Welp, Doyin's gonna Doyin, I guess

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a low stakes question: My 2-year-old daughter called me a “poo head” the other day. I was distraught; she was bubbling over with glee. I put on my best mischievous grin and responded that SHE was the poo head. She laughed a lot, said I was the poo head and it continued. I was honestly having fun. I looked over to find my partner (her Dad) looking somewhat exasperated. I asked him what was up. He said we’re not supposed to go along with it, that name calling is a thing, and that it probably shouldn’t be a game. I said I think it’s OK, it’s clear we’re having fun and if she was trying to be mean or trying to hurt me, or if it hurt another child, my response would be different. He shrugged, he thinks she’s too young to get different contexts and that I’m “making a rod for my own back” later down the line. I really wasn’t sure… do you think this will come back to bite me?

—Poo Head

Dear Poo Head,

I’m not well-versed in Boomer jargon, so I had to Google the meaning of “making a rod for my own back” — but I get it now. In any case, I tend to agree with your husband on this.

Seemingly innocuous teasing and name-calling can be the gateway drugs for bullying, racism, and other nefarious behavior if not checked early on. Not to mention, eventually you’ll learn there’s an expiration date on this type of nonsense. Sure it’s cute now to call each other poo head now, but would it be as cute when she’s a fourth grader? Or when she’s in middle school? Probably not. There are much better ways to engage with your child other than resorting to name calling, because whether you think you’re doing this or not, you’re basically telling her that this kind of behavior is funny and OK.

You don’t want to be the person raising a kid who teases everyone. Stop being a poo head and put an end to this name-calling foolishness, stat. And yes, I know what I did there.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/navigate-teen-romance-age-gap-flirtation-advice.html

Comments

[conuly]

With my niblings whom I helped raise now being adults, I can say this: "It's not going to be cute if they're still doing it later" is technically true but mostly unhelpful. Also, literal gateway drugs are a myth and figurative ones probably are either.

I mean, it's not going to be cute if LW's two year old is still pooping in the tub when she's 12 either, but nobody says "So you gotta nip this behavior in the bud now" because we know that's not going to happen.

The kid may not know context yet, but she certainly will by the time she's a fourth-grader. Or, if she doesn't, it won't be LW's fault for doing some back-and-forth, everybody's-laughing teasing when the kid was a toddler.

Of course, it is important to be clear to your kid that teasing is only fun if everybody is having fun and that means that they all have to have the ability to say know and no their no will be accepted - but, really, that's something kids can learn.

[syderia]

And also, toddlers are perfectly able to understand different contexts. My Nephew at that age didn't behave the same with just me and my parents, or with his parents in the room (including by changing whether he'd eat egg or not 😀).

[ambyr]

“Boomer jargon”? Doyin, how old do you think the average parent of a two-year-old is today?

[conuly]

I will say that that specific phrase is something I've mostly heard from more conservative parents and grandparents.

[ashbet]

It’s a very, very CHRISTIAN saying, and an old-fashioned one.

Goes back centuries, though, not just to Boomers!!

[ethelmay]

I seem to recall reading a British parenting book when my kids were small that suggested if your child called you a "silly old cow," you should say cheerfully, "And you're a silly young calf." No, wait, I found it and the context is a little different than I thought: Penelope Leach, Your Growing Child, talking about children using angry words, says "Try to acknowledge the feeling and help her to carry on using words to tell you more--'I'm sorry you're feeling so cross; what is it about, do you think?'

"Lesser insults of the 'silly old cow' variety can usually be defused if you can remember that it is a child who is insulting you and that you do not therefore have to be deeply offended. 'If I am a silly old cow you are a cross little calf' will probably end the whole episode in giggles.

"The point, of course, is that as she grows up you want her to be able to use words for feelings, words for attack or defense, because words do less harm than actions and being able to express herself verbally is her best assurance of good communication with other people all through her life. It is the teenager who finds himself silenced by the sarcasm of the teacher who is liable to slash her car tires. The one who can 'answer back' has far less need to be violent."

Well, Leach lost me with the bit about "words do less harm than actions" (especially not seeing the harm the teacher might be doing the student in the very next example), but otherwise it makes sense.

[cimorene]

It's rather remarkable that Doyin persists in being wrong in so many different directions, as it were. I definitely wouldn't have guessed this one.

[minoanmiss]

Me neither. It complicates the Doyin Bingo card I'm trying to write.

[conuly]

Really? This seems typical of him.

I have questions about his answer to the letter above this one, with the teenage boy and his younger maybe-crush maybe-girlfriend. I'm not thrilled with a 17 year old boy and a 14 year old girlfriend either, but it seems you're more likely to get a positive reaction if you make it clear that the problem is sex and/or the appearance thereof - if they're just hanging out doing dating things in public where people can see them it's all more likely to die down faster than if either of them perceives this as a forbidden love.

[cimorene]

Oh geez...

[feast_of_regrets]

I’m not well-versed in Boomer jargon

So, we're going to start this frankly bitter and myopic response by engaging in some undereducated and ageist generational warfare bologna? Alrighty then.