Dear Care & Feeding: Christmas Gift Power Struggle

[minoanmiss]

I have a 2 ½–year-old and a 1-year-old. This year, we’re spending Christmas at my in-laws for the first time, which is lovely as both my kids adore their grandparents. The problem is that my mother-in-law refuses to tell me what she plans to get them for Christmas.

There’s an ongoing issue where she thinks I’m a killjoy, and I think she disrespects my parenting decisions. It’s my right to know what gifts my toddlers receive and have veto power, right?? I asked her what they were getting, and when she refused to tell me I asked why she wouldn’t tell me, and she just walked away. So now I’m worried about ruining Christmas because there are things that I don’t want my kids having (a sandbox, an iPad or tablet, etc.). I’m baffled as to what to do next.

—Battle of the Gifts


Dear Battle,

Ah yes … turning the giving of gifts into an opportunity to remind your daughter-in-law that she’s a joyless nag whose authority you don’t respect—the spirit of Christmas!

I’m so sorry. Everyone has their own parenting rules and philosophies, and sometimes these can be especially hard to translate across the generations. I think you need to enlist your husband in this struggle because yes, it is your right as the parent of such small children to determine what is appropriate for them. If you say no guns and no screens, and your mother-in-law gives them iPads and assault rifles, she is feigning generosity while she acts out some weird, misplaced aggression.

If your mother-in-law still maintains that it’s her right to surprise her grandkids with whatever she wants, you’ll have little choice but to repossess any forbidden gifts. I wouldn’t worry about this making you the bad guy; your kids are young enough that they’re easily fooled. And maybe this will show your mother-in-law that you’re serious about raising your children according to your rules. Good luck!

Comments

[minoanmiss]

*rolls my eyes at both of them*

On the one hand, yes, parents should know what their children are going to be given. MIL is being ridiculous.

On the other hand, how likely is it that MIL is going to give them assault rifles? DIL is being overbearing.

Not to sound like Miss Manners, but I think there is something to be said for accepting a gift, any[1] gift, gracefully and with gratitude, and then later making it disappear if need be. I definitely think this is better than throwing a gift back in someone's face.

[1] Obvious exception for insulting gifts, such as in the letter where the LW's family kept giving him misgendering gifts. But LW hasn't given us any indication that MIL is likely to give a gift like that.

[lemonsharks]

I think it's more likely that MIL plans to give:

• an unreasonable volume of toys
• toys lw disapproves of like fighting toys/toy guns/military dress-up/food sets that include pretend meat (ie some vegan parents)
• Things contradictory to LW's parenting philosophy (ie a leappad and accountrements or kids branded tv (remember those?) for a Montessori parent)
• Age-inappropriate or breakable things (ie an ipad pro, Barbies or Legos with choking hazard parts; LW may have rejected stuffies/teddies when the kids were infants/newborns, as they're no longer recommend for the littlest babies?)
• Properties LW doesn't support (ie Hasbro [because sweatshops], Disney [because sweatshops and also Disney), kids' Kindle fire (because Amazon))
• Media LW doesn't want her kids exposed to, whether that's on the Christianist propaganda end or leftist end of the spectrum, or she just wants to skip having her kids shriek-singing "Let It Go" for as long as she can
• Toys that make noise or musical instruments without age appropriate lessons
• Weirdly sexualizing kid clothes (like these that MIL thinks are cute/funny)

All of which are reasonable DNWs for LW to have but would also add to the dynamic LW and MIL have going. However, the actual issue here is Where The Fuck Is LW's Partner And Why Aren't They Taking Point With Their Mom???

[minoanmiss]

Oh, quite likely. I forget at the moment who suggested the LW supply categories to avoid, but I also think, especially with such little kids, that any gift can be quietly vanished when they're asleep. I think the odds of the vegan toddler insisting on sleeping with the plastic T-bone every night are fairly small. (But not zero, because rule of funny.)

And yes, where is the living link between these two women and why hasn't he[1] stepped up to say something?

[1] playing the odds...

[likeaduck]

Vegan toddler can't let go of plastic T-bone is my favourite mental image today.

[redbird]

I think there's room for a parent asking someone else not to give their child specific things, or kinds of things. I suspect that a more specific request, even if it's as broad as "no tablets or ipods, and nothing really messy unless it's going to be kept at your house for when they visit" might have gone over better than "please tell me exactly what you're giving the kids so I can decide if it's appropriate.

Though if it's gotten to "she thinks I'm a killjoy and I think she doesn't respect my parenting decisions" that's larger than Christmas gifts. And where is the children's father in all this?

[goljerp]

My wife and I had a very simple request: no screens and nothing that needed batteries. (No, we're not luddites. Our son got screens... eventually.)

[lemonsharks]

In the unlikely event that I have a kid it's going to be "nothing that makes high pitched noise and no musical instruments without at least a year of age appropriate lessons included". Because sensory hell.

(Sensory hell is a huge part of the reason I'm almost definitely not having a kid.)

[goljerp]

Ooh, yeah. The 'no batteries' thing was to try to reduce the noise factor in our small apartment. There are a lot of toys nowadays which do lots of noise, and kids like repetition. There are lots of quiet toys out there, and of course kids did fine 100 years ago.

[conuly]

There's something weird with the c+p in this post.

With that said, if you have a short veto list, then it's okay to say "None of these items". You don't need to know what she IS getting to say no to a few things.

[xenacryst]

Yanno, a functional relationship would go sort of like this:

MIL: "What do you think they'd like for Christmas?"

LW: "Oh, this or that kind of thing, or perhaps the other. And the younger really isn't old enough to express preferences, but tends to like these things.
Oh, and so you know, we're trying to stay away from this category of thing."

But, that ship sailed long ago. Hint, LW: it's not about the presents.

[cynthia1960]

Oh lord yes. If it wasn't holiday or birthday presents, it would be something else. And yeah, anytime there's some sort of agonyaunting that involves in-law type relationships I want to know where the people who are actually related (by birth or by adoption) to the in-law are. A lot of time, they seem to be pretty uninvolved.

[lemonsharks]

In a functional relationship:

LW's partner but let's be real here it's probably her cis husbando: Mom, either fall in line with our parenting choices or you don't get see us for holidays. We're just as happy to stay home and make our own new traditions

Partner's mom: I feel usurped but FINE, a relationship with you and your children is worth respecting your parenting choices as cost of admission

[movingfinger]

I feel that anyone with a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old shouldn't feel the need to spend Christmas or any holiday anywhere but at home, which is not what LW asked but which would considerably reduce the strain of the situation for everyone who is strain-able (grandparents excepted: they're adults who do not have excitable small children). The grandparents can stay in a nearby hotel and come over.

Apropos LW's question, this shifts the power dynamic to the children's parents' side and removes most opportunities for weird grandparent crap.

[melannen]

I have to say, I would have reacted badly to this request too, because the way my family does gifts, it's ludicrous on the face of it.

LW, not only may you be coming of as distrustful and super controlling, but, look, a lot of people still do most of their gift shopping by walking into an actual, physical store and seeing what is there that their loved one might want. I'm not going to stand in the aisle at Big Lots desperately texting you so you can pre-approve this $1 bouncy ball before I put it in the cart. Sure I'll have a list of ideas but a lot of times I don't even know what I'm getting you until I've bought it!

It sounds like you may be thinking of Christmas gifts as one or two big items that are planned out well in advance - and for those kinds of gifts, pre-approval makes sense. You mother-in-law may not be thinking in those terms at all. This is probably the first real Christmas you've had with them since you had the kids - you would probably be well served by opening up a general discussion of what gift expectations are in general - and, yes, that can include things like "no sandboxes or electronics". It can also include whether you do a few large gifts, or many small ones, and can certainly include a suggested list of things you have pre-approved that you actually do want for the kids, or even a request not to get a huge pile of small tchotkes. But expecting her to send a list of what she's bought so you can strike things off it is not reasonable.

I mean, possibly she is planning to get you a sandbox and a pile of AK-47s, and will do so no matter what you say, because she thinks that's an effective way of registering her opinion of your parenting style. But in that case nothing you say to her is going to result in you getting gifts you actually want. The approved method of dealing with gifts from Grandma that you don't want your kids to have is, depending on the gift and your relationship with Grandma, either remarking on how great it is and that it's going to stay at Grandma's house so you can play with it there, or taking it home and telling the kids that since it's from Grandma it's a special gift to play with only sometimes, putting it on the top shelf of the hall closet, and hoping everybody involved forgets about it.

[cynthia1960]

Nailed it. And now you've got me with a mental image of the sandbox and semi-automatic weapons getting unwrapped. I can't unsee that, thanks ;).

[jadelennox]

yeah, this. if M-I-L has been disrespectful of simple requests thus far, then have M-I-L's kid (who is presumably still in the picture, if you're spending the holidays with their mom) lay down the law. Otherwise, tell them "no sandboxes or mobile devices", thanks, and let them buy whatever's in the toy aisle at Costco that's shiny. And ffs, get over yourself if it's not just a small veto list. It's reasonable to ban ( screens | noisy toys | misgendering toys | weapons | batteries | Trumpy Bear ), but if grandma buys the kids Barbies or Bratz dolls or puzzles with the world's ugliest picture of dogs playing poker, then suck it up. Your kids will play with worse toys than that before they hit kindergarten.

[lemonsharks]

I mean, possibly she is planning to get you a sandbox and a pile of AK-47s, and will do so no matter what you say, because she thinks that's an effective way of registering her opinion of your parenting style. But in that case nothing you say to her is going to result in you getting gifts you actually want.

I'm thinking it's more likely Barbies/Legos with choking hazard pieces, toy guns, age appropriate but LOUD toys, and/or weirdly sexualizing childrens' clothing that MIL thinks is cute/funny for some reason.

If MIL is my mom's age, half the toys she and grandma got me as a toddler with no issues are either frowned on or flat out banned. Ah, choking hazard Polly pocket and eye injury causing strangulation hazard Skydancers, how I miss you.

Your solutions, however, are chef's kiss excellent

[melannen]

I had a great-aunt who thought ceramic figurines and battery-operated dolls that cried *just like a real baby* were good toddler gifts. My parents got a lot of mileage out of "we'll save this to play with later" and "let's take out the batteries now so we don't waste them, we can put them back in later when you really need them*"

*Never

[resonant]

My parents got a lot of mileage out of "we'll save this to play with later" and "let's take out the batteries now so we don't waste them, we can put them back in later when you really need them*"

And the advantage of doing it that way is that it doesn't give the MIL the opportunity to set up a power struggle where you argue with her about what your own children are allowed to do in your own house.

When Dr. Spock tells parents they need to have an air of cheerful assurance, that's not just useful in dealing with preschoolers -- it's also useful in dealing with other adults. You don't even need to say "I get final veto over what comes into my house." You just do it.

[melannen]

Yeah, and it's also, like, kinder? Aunt Lucille wasn't trying to engage in a power struggle - she just had no idea about kids. What would have been the point of attempting to force her to give us something else? It wasn't like a great tragedy that a five-year-old got a creepy clown figurine that they would never see again, my parents got to model how to graciously handle things like that for their kids, and it made Aunt Lucy happy.

If Grandma is going to be a huge part of the kids' lives you should definitely put in the relationship-building work to teach her the kinds of gifts that work, but if you see her once a year at Christmas, then take the chance to teach the kids that gifts are sometimes more about making the giver happy.

[sporky_rat]

Slightly off topic but I am reminded of being small and gifted a Lite-Brite with all the extra pegs by my uncle for Christmas, and two years later, my mother doing the same for my cousin.

[lemonsharks]

CHOKING HAZARD LITE BRIGHT! With burn hazard incandescent bulb! Oh man I MISS mine it was my favorite

(I also got a 5? foot tall inflatable T-Rex and stegosaurus one year and apparently they still make them.

[ashbet]

"There’s an ongoing issue where she thinks I’m a killjoy, and I think she disrespects my parenting decisions."

It's definitely not just specifically about the Christmas presents.

(I'd otherwise think the LW is maybe being a bit over-anxious/nitpicky, but for TODDLERS, it's not an entirely unreasonable ask . . . especially if you have strong opinions about certain types of items.)

But it's not about the gifts, it's the DIL being anxious that the MIL is somehow going to *weaponize* the gifts to undermine her parenting choices.

[ioplokon]

Not the point (which I think everyone has covered) but like. How do you secretly give someone a sandbox? Is there a different kind than what I'm thinking of?

[minoanmiss]

I visualized (an inflatable pool full of sand with two more bags of sand placed by the LW's car) and cannot stop giggling

[likeaduck]

All I can come up with is maybe one of these?