Care & Feeding: Can My Daughter Wear A Gift Kimono?

[minoanmiss]

We’d never want her thinking somebody else’s culture is a costume.



My husband’s closest friend from childhood is Japanese American, and although he moved back to Japan after college, they are still very close. He’s our daughters’ godfather, and they think of him and his wife as another uncle and aunt (we’re also called “Uncle” and “Auntie” by his kids). For our daughter’s fifth birthday, they sent her a sweet gift of a box full of Japanese candies, a stuffed toy, and a kimono in her size. It’s absolutely gorgeous, but I’m hesitant to let her wear it, as much as she’s begged us to let her dress up and show it to her friends. I know how big of an issue cultural appropriation is, and I don’t want to let her think that somebody else’s culture is a costume. She has a lot of anti-racist children’s books, and books about kids from other cultures celebrating holidays and traditions, and this could be a great way for us to talk about the problem of white people appropriating other cultures and using them as costumes—but also, our friends have been asking us if she liked her kimono, and I don’t know what to tell them! I will confess: I don’t want to be thought of as another insensitive white lady who lets her kids “dress up” as stereotypes of other cultures, and that may be part of what’s holding me back from letting her wear it, so I think an outside perspective might help. What should I do—let her wear it, or talk to her about why she can’t?

—To Wear or Not to Wear

Dear TWoNtW,

Your question made me think of a couple of not-the-same-but-similar situations in my own family. The closest comparison might be when my birth father returned from a trip to Korea and gave hanbok to everyone in the family, including the non-Koreans. As in your case, an individual was the giver of a cultural item they really wanted to share in the spirit of family/friendship. I don’t think it’s wrong for your child to wear a gift from close family friends, especially because you know they would like her to enjoy it. If she can do so respectfully and with care, I’d probably tell her it’s fine to wear her kimono at home, show it to friends, etc. But I do think it’s important that she not be encouraged to wear it flippantly, or to think of it as just playing dress-up—I wouldn’t have her wear it as a Halloween costume, for example.

I talked this through with a Japanese American friend, who reminded me that there’s a correct way to tie and wear different types of kimono. If your child is going to wear hers, you should help her learn to do so properly, in part so it’s not viewed as just another robe or dress-up outfit. It’s up to you, but if your friends ask about the kimono again, it could also be worth talking with them about this. Depending on your friendship, there may be room to let them know that you’re very grateful for their beautiful gift, and you also want to be sure that your child is taking care of and being respectful of it.

AMany people are mocked or stereotyped or slotted into some “foreigner” category for wearing clothing that honors our cultures. Sometimes, for one reason or another, it can also be difficult for us to feel we have a right to these things. (As a Korean adoptee, I didn’t get my first hanbok until I was in my 30s, and it was hard to feel like I deserved to wear it.) On the flip side, white people are often entitled or just plain careless in their appropriation, treating our cultural identities like fun trends or costumes without having to endure any of the prejudice, doubt, or othering we do. So I do think it’s really important to talk with your daughter about why cultural appropriation is not OK—and that was always going to be important, whether or not she received a kimono from her godfather and his wife. I don’t think having this discussion and letting her occasionally wear the kimono she was given need to be mutually exclusive.

Comments

I have thoughts about this

[minoanmiss]

1) I love the LW, who seems really dedicated to anti-racism and thoughtfulness.

2) I think this is an example of cultural sharing rather than appropriation, since LW's family friend gave their daughter a gift from his culture.

2a) So if they talk to him about it I think the best phrasing would be "We want to make sure our daughter wears this properly, so we wanted to ask you about that." Because it is weird to give someone a gift from one's culture and have them refuse it with "we don't want to be culturally appropriative" (I have had this happen).

3) I generally agree with the advice here. Is there anything I'm missing?

[cimorene]

I agree with all your points, but I'm a white American, so not particularly qualified to spot if there was something missing.

My family were active as host families for the exchange programs in the local university, which had an active partnership with a Japanese university, when I was a child, and we received lots of hostess gifts from the people who stayed with us, so I may be biased by my experience. But I think the kimono provides a good opportunity for the kid to learn about the culture, if they use it as such. There are picture books and various educational materials in English, I'm pretty sure, about, for example, Children's Day, when children are given carp kites and photographed at shrines in kimono, and Girls' Day/Doll Day, when girls display traditional dolls of the emperor and empress (and are photographed at shrines in kimono). I would suggest learning about how a Japanese kid her age would wear the kimono physically - the right way to put it on and store it, as the answer mentions - and then also what it would be worn for, perhaps with a children's book or video about these or other relevant holidays, for example.

[rosefox]

We had the same situation: J's stepfather, who's Japanese, gave our then-three-year-old, who's white, a little kid "kimono" jacket and matching shorts. (The "tie the belt properly" thing didn't come into it—it was intended to be everyday wear for a small child and just had a simple tie.) We came to the same conclusion: Wear it around family and friends; don't wear it to school, unless as part of a "share your family's heritage" day; definitely don't wear it in any situation where people are wearing costumes. They wore it on occasional weekends and to my mother's wedding, and everyone was happy with that.

I also have an actual kimono that belonged to J's stepfather's mother, and have never figured out how or whether to wear it.