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Care and Feeding: Two On Dogs
Apr. 3rd, 2025 11:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minoanmissI Want to Kick My Neighbor Out of the Camp Carpool Because She Doesn’t Like Dogs
If she responds this way to friendly face kisses, how will she be around kids?( Read more... )
My Brother’s Dog Viciously Attacked My 6-Year-Old. His Reaction Has Left Me Shaken. I responded as any father would, but he’s somehow mad at me? ( Read more... )
If she responds this way to friendly face kisses, how will she be around kids?( Read more... )
My Brother’s Dog Viciously Attacked My 6-Year-Old. His Reaction Has Left Me Shaken. I responded as any father would, but he’s somehow mad at me? ( Read more... )
Dear Prudence: Really?
Mar. 4th, 2025 07:24 pmceretaLink.
Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together three years and live separately. He lost his wife six years ago and his children have not accepted any of his new romantic relationships. They are 23, 20, and 16. I actually worked with his eldest on a volunteer project, only for her to turn so nasty and hostile when she found out that I had dinner with her father that the coordinator had to keep us on separate schedules. It was bizarre. At that point, I would have considered us friendly.
My partner is a kind, loving man. He put his kids in therapy after he lost his wife, but the older two stopped going after they got older. He has assured his kids that he always will love their mother and would never try to replace her, but he doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. It hasn’t made a dent. I love him and wasn’t expecting it to be all sunshine and roses, but the kids refuse to warm up to me. Getting them to be civil is like pulling teeth. I hit my limit when his 16-year-old son took job that was out of town. He doesn’t drive and no one could pick him up after his shifts. It was, however, on my commute. I stupidly volunteered to pick him up.
What I got for my help was a sullen lump that refused to even make small talk about the weather. Then one time, I was about a half hour late due to traffic, my phone had died, and I forgot my charger. When I pulled up, he wasn’t there. He had gotten a ride with his manager. I drove to the house and knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face. When I got home, I texted my partner about what happened and to consider my chauffeuring services over. We ended up getting in a fight because he seemed to think that forcing an apology out of his son was good enough. I told him that I am sorry his kids are still grieving but it wasn’t an excuse for them to treat me this way. We been on a break ever since.
His son lost his job because there was no one to pick him up. The other two have made social media posts making pretty open remarks blaming me. My partner has texted about how much he loves and misses me. He wants to marry me. My heart is aching. I truly love him. Is there any hope?
—Not Even a Stepmother
Dear Not Even,
Yes, but okay, I’m going to be real with you. You need to take some responsibility for the chauffeuring incident. You can’t really fault a teenager for not enthusiastically talking to you or being effusively grateful for the favor; teens literally treat the experience of being in a car with anyone who isn’t their friend like it’s the worst torture that humankind has ever endured. Your expectations on that front were too high, yes, but you also need to admit that you did kind of let him down by being late, even if it was due to forces beyond your control. A teenager (who’s still in mourning) does not have the neurons to be forgivably empathetic about that: All he knows is that you didn’t show up when you said you would, which probably triggered a deep-rooted fear that doesn’t not have to do with his mother’s death.
Of course he got a different ride. Then, when you confronted him, he became justifiably angry and reacted as much. You need to apologize to your partner’s son for not picking him up on time, full stop. (Be prepared to receive, best case scenario, a grunt in acknowledgement.) Then you need to make it clear to your partner that you do not appreciate name-calling, and would like him to communicate that to all of his kids. You need him to understand that you want a basic degree of respect, but he also needs you to understand that these are his kids, and they’re going to come first. The oldest two are adults and should be held to higher expectations; but the 16-year-old should get more leniency. It’s in adolescent wiring to say some ghastly shit to one’s own biological parents on the regular; you’re even more of a stranger to him, and you have to build up a little tolerance for him to teenage it out.
Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together three years and live separately. He lost his wife six years ago and his children have not accepted any of his new romantic relationships. They are 23, 20, and 16. I actually worked with his eldest on a volunteer project, only for her to turn so nasty and hostile when she found out that I had dinner with her father that the coordinator had to keep us on separate schedules. It was bizarre. At that point, I would have considered us friendly.
My partner is a kind, loving man. He put his kids in therapy after he lost his wife, but the older two stopped going after they got older. He has assured his kids that he always will love their mother and would never try to replace her, but he doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. It hasn’t made a dent. I love him and wasn’t expecting it to be all sunshine and roses, but the kids refuse to warm up to me. Getting them to be civil is like pulling teeth. I hit my limit when his 16-year-old son took job that was out of town. He doesn’t drive and no one could pick him up after his shifts. It was, however, on my commute. I stupidly volunteered to pick him up.
What I got for my help was a sullen lump that refused to even make small talk about the weather. Then one time, I was about a half hour late due to traffic, my phone had died, and I forgot my charger. When I pulled up, he wasn’t there. He had gotten a ride with his manager. I drove to the house and knocked on the door to make sure he was okay. I apologized and he called me a bitch and slammed the door in my face. When I got home, I texted my partner about what happened and to consider my chauffeuring services over. We ended up getting in a fight because he seemed to think that forcing an apology out of his son was good enough. I told him that I am sorry his kids are still grieving but it wasn’t an excuse for them to treat me this way. We been on a break ever since.
His son lost his job because there was no one to pick him up. The other two have made social media posts making pretty open remarks blaming me. My partner has texted about how much he loves and misses me. He wants to marry me. My heart is aching. I truly love him. Is there any hope?
—Not Even a Stepmother
Dear Not Even,
Yes, but okay, I’m going to be real with you. You need to take some responsibility for the chauffeuring incident. You can’t really fault a teenager for not enthusiastically talking to you or being effusively grateful for the favor; teens literally treat the experience of being in a car with anyone who isn’t their friend like it’s the worst torture that humankind has ever endured. Your expectations on that front were too high, yes, but you also need to admit that you did kind of let him down by being late, even if it was due to forces beyond your control. A teenager (who’s still in mourning) does not have the neurons to be forgivably empathetic about that: All he knows is that you didn’t show up when you said you would, which probably triggered a deep-rooted fear that doesn’t not have to do with his mother’s death.
Of course he got a different ride. Then, when you confronted him, he became justifiably angry and reacted as much. You need to apologize to your partner’s son for not picking him up on time, full stop. (Be prepared to receive, best case scenario, a grunt in acknowledgement.) Then you need to make it clear to your partner that you do not appreciate name-calling, and would like him to communicate that to all of his kids. You need him to understand that you want a basic degree of respect, but he also needs you to understand that these are his kids, and they’re going to come first. The oldest two are adults and should be held to higher expectations; but the 16-year-old should get more leniency. It’s in adolescent wiring to say some ghastly shit to one’s own biological parents on the regular; you’re even more of a stranger to him, and you have to build up a little tolerance for him to teenage it out.
ceretaOlder column, but hoo boy. Note: Letter is second in the column.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.
My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.
I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?
—Selfish Sister
Dear Selfish Sister,
Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?
You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.
Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”
I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.
Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.
My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.
I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?
—Selfish Sister
Dear Selfish Sister,
Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?
You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.
Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”
I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.
Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.
Well, this is at least a bit, er, unusual
Sep. 9th, 2024 12:08 pmoursinI am falling for an amazing woman who is a flat-earther. Can I reconcile my diminishing respect?
I am a divorced man, raising two sons alone and getting back into the dating world at 43 years old. I am a few months into dating this absolutely amazing woman and I’ve enjoyed it very much. She seems to be the total package in many, many ways! She is kind, thoughtful, empathetic, soft, genuine, intuitive, honest and many more beautiful characteristics. I truly am falling for her and I feel we could have a long, beautiful future, but I just recently found out she is a flat-earther. I was absolutely shocked. At first, I thought she was kidding. After some discussion, she deeply believes flat earth conspiracies, suggests that I’m just following what I’ve been told, and does not seem very receptive to learning more about it.
I cannot eloquently explain how disappointed I am, or why! It defies all logic, observable facts, and is absolutely absurd. I feel like I’ve lost so much respect for her and I cannot seem to reconcile that feeling with how I care about everything else she is. And to make matters worse, she is teaching her kids to believe the same thing. I am a very mathematical and science-oriented man and I could even sit her down and show her some basic maths, but I doubt that would go well!
How should I handle this? She seems annoyed when I bring it up, and I probably didn’t handle it very well at first. I seriously care for her but I also am struggling with respecting anyone who believes such a nonsense conspiracy theory they learned about on YouTube. Please help!
WTF did I just read?
Jul. 13th, 2024 03:49 amconulyDear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.
They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous
( Read more... )
They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous
( Read more... )
minoanmissAsk A Manager, 13 Feb 2024:
I was rejected from a role for not answering an interview question. I had all the skills they asked for, and the recruiter and hiring manager loved me. ( Read more... )
I was rejected from a role for not answering an interview question. I had all the skills they asked for, and the recruiter and hiring manager loved me. ( Read more... )
conuly1. Dear Care and Feeding,
My son passed away in a car accident eight months ago, leaving my daughter-in-law, who I’ll call Nancy, with my grandchildren, who are 3-year-old twins. They lived in a big city, and they always flew home for Christmas, even before they were married. I’m very worried about Nancy and my grandchildren. Nancy works a very busy job and seems overwhelmed. She refused to fly here for Christmas this year, even though it’s barely a 3-hour flight and she visited her family for her Jewish holidays in another state, and she only reluctantly offered for me to stay with them when I insisted I wanted to see my grandchildren for the holidays. When I arrived, the house was a mess, and she seemed frazzled and couldn’t socialize very much. The kids seemed miserable and were throwing tantrums, and she seemed too tired to adequately take care of them for the week I was there.
Things have been frosty ever since she refused to let my grandsons be baptized, so I didn’t want to criticize her and make things worse, but the situation seems untenable at this point. I gently suggested getting a housecleaner, and she said that she couldn’t afford it, even though I’m sure that my son’s life insurance must have left her with a hefty sum. I also suggested it might be good for her to get a less busy job that pays more. She’s an attorney for a non-profit, and it would be more lucrative and less stressful for her to get a more traditional lawyer job. She got angry when I suggested it, and I don’t understand why she won’t make these kinds of changes to make her life easier. I also suggested that she could move in with me, and I’d pay all the relocation expenses. I have lots of space, since your buck goes further in the Midwest, and there’s a church down the street that has free daycare for the boys. I could even watch them on my time off. She told me bluntly that she thought I should get a hotel, and I acquiesced since she seemed so upset. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do or how to help! She won’t answer my calls now, and it’s been over a week and a half since I’ve facetimed with my grandsons.
—I Just Want to Help
( Read more... )
***
2. ( Cut for LW being awful, at a commenter's request )
My son passed away in a car accident eight months ago, leaving my daughter-in-law, who I’ll call Nancy, with my grandchildren, who are 3-year-old twins. They lived in a big city, and they always flew home for Christmas, even before they were married. I’m very worried about Nancy and my grandchildren. Nancy works a very busy job and seems overwhelmed. She refused to fly here for Christmas this year, even though it’s barely a 3-hour flight and she visited her family for her Jewish holidays in another state, and she only reluctantly offered for me to stay with them when I insisted I wanted to see my grandchildren for the holidays. When I arrived, the house was a mess, and she seemed frazzled and couldn’t socialize very much. The kids seemed miserable and were throwing tantrums, and she seemed too tired to adequately take care of them for the week I was there.
Things have been frosty ever since she refused to let my grandsons be baptized, so I didn’t want to criticize her and make things worse, but the situation seems untenable at this point. I gently suggested getting a housecleaner, and she said that she couldn’t afford it, even though I’m sure that my son’s life insurance must have left her with a hefty sum. I also suggested it might be good for her to get a less busy job that pays more. She’s an attorney for a non-profit, and it would be more lucrative and less stressful for her to get a more traditional lawyer job. She got angry when I suggested it, and I don’t understand why she won’t make these kinds of changes to make her life easier. I also suggested that she could move in with me, and I’d pay all the relocation expenses. I have lots of space, since your buck goes further in the Midwest, and there’s a church down the street that has free daycare for the boys. I could even watch them on my time off. She told me bluntly that she thought I should get a hotel, and I acquiesced since she seemed so upset. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do or how to help! She won’t answer my calls now, and it’s been over a week and a half since I’ve facetimed with my grandsons.
—I Just Want to Help
( Read more... )
2. ( Cut for LW being awful, at a commenter's request )
ceretaDear Carolyn: My husband and I are trying for a baby. We've had many talks about parenthood and are mostly on the same page.
One part leaves me cold: He says he needs paternity tests for all our kids. Every aspect of our relationship is solid and wonderful except for this. We've never cheated on each other, but when he tells me he wants the test I feel like he doesn't trust me. He says that's not the case.
He says it's not "fair" that a mother always knows the baby is hers while the father can never be 100 percent sure.
I'm completely in love with my husband and want to have a child with him, but this is ruining the entire experience for us. I'm pregnant and I haven't even told him yet. I know he would be ecstatic and would love to know, but I feel none of this really matters until the paternity test — and then he can finally love our child, with proof it's his.
Am I overreacting? Should I just let him have the paternity test?
— Pregnant
Pregnant: OMG.
No.
This is hideous on so many levels that I fear for you and the coming child.
“We’ve never cheated” is just a flat-out nonstarter. You can love and trust each other and feel sure, but you can’t KNOW what the other has (not) done. Not firsthand. Not provably. You just can’t.
I’m starting here because in making this unmakeable declaration, you’re carrying his water for him. Someone as dead certain as he is that the whole world is out to cheat him — do you know what that often means? That he himself is cheating. That’s his certainty. It’s called projection.
I obviously can’t say he is for sure but, wow, the pieces are in place. He’s got you declaring his innocence for him. Perfect cover for bad acts.
That’s before we get to the slack-jawed horror show of his treating you like a cheater from within a “solid” marriage, like cheating’s a given, no matter what you’ve actually done. This is call-an-attorney behavior. I am so sorry you’ll be doing this now while pregnant instead of before.
I don’t know, by the way, how you can be “completely” in love with someone who is “ruining the entire experience for us” — not accidentally, but by dark emotional design. That alone is call-a-therapist cognitive dissonance, but the whole package belongs in a therapist’s office, SOLO, not with him and his monstrous paranoia and control. ASAP.
And finally, though extraneously, after all the “Get out!” advice prior:
Do you think the world is fair? Do you believe you are owed fairness by higher powers, biology or humankind?
Someone who has such an emotional need to get what he thinks he should get, who is ticked off at nature for not guaranteeing him fairness, is not well. Seriously not well.
Yes, we all want fairness and go to some lengths to ask it of employers, friends, government, institutions. But this guy has a beef with nature. And he thinks he’s entitled to defame you just to get the upper hand on biology. It’s appalling, and I’m worried about you. Therapist, domestic abuse hotline (1-800-799-SAFE), online threat assessment (mosaicmethod.com). No way his control efforts stop here.
The column, originally published in 2021, was republished for the 25th anniversary of Carolyn Hax’s column. You can read the original comments here.
One part leaves me cold: He says he needs paternity tests for all our kids. Every aspect of our relationship is solid and wonderful except for this. We've never cheated on each other, but when he tells me he wants the test I feel like he doesn't trust me. He says that's not the case.
He says it's not "fair" that a mother always knows the baby is hers while the father can never be 100 percent sure.
I'm completely in love with my husband and want to have a child with him, but this is ruining the entire experience for us. I'm pregnant and I haven't even told him yet. I know he would be ecstatic and would love to know, but I feel none of this really matters until the paternity test — and then he can finally love our child, with proof it's his.
Am I overreacting? Should I just let him have the paternity test?
— Pregnant
Pregnant: OMG.
No.
This is hideous on so many levels that I fear for you and the coming child.
“We’ve never cheated” is just a flat-out nonstarter. You can love and trust each other and feel sure, but you can’t KNOW what the other has (not) done. Not firsthand. Not provably. You just can’t.
I’m starting here because in making this unmakeable declaration, you’re carrying his water for him. Someone as dead certain as he is that the whole world is out to cheat him — do you know what that often means? That he himself is cheating. That’s his certainty. It’s called projection.
I obviously can’t say he is for sure but, wow, the pieces are in place. He’s got you declaring his innocence for him. Perfect cover for bad acts.
That’s before we get to the slack-jawed horror show of his treating you like a cheater from within a “solid” marriage, like cheating’s a given, no matter what you’ve actually done. This is call-an-attorney behavior. I am so sorry you’ll be doing this now while pregnant instead of before.
I don’t know, by the way, how you can be “completely” in love with someone who is “ruining the entire experience for us” — not accidentally, but by dark emotional design. That alone is call-a-therapist cognitive dissonance, but the whole package belongs in a therapist’s office, SOLO, not with him and his monstrous paranoia and control. ASAP.
And finally, though extraneously, after all the “Get out!” advice prior:
Do you think the world is fair? Do you believe you are owed fairness by higher powers, biology or humankind?
Someone who has such an emotional need to get what he thinks he should get, who is ticked off at nature for not guaranteeing him fairness, is not well. Seriously not well.
Yes, we all want fairness and go to some lengths to ask it of employers, friends, government, institutions. But this guy has a beef with nature. And he thinks he’s entitled to defame you just to get the upper hand on biology. It’s appalling, and I’m worried about you. Therapist, domestic abuse hotline (1-800-799-SAFE), online threat assessment (mosaicmethod.com). No way his control efforts stop here.
The column, originally published in 2021, was republished for the 25th anniversary of Carolyn Hax’s column. You can read the original comments here.
azurelunaticFirst letter:
HR won’t do anything about a coworker who’s angry about my weight loss
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/02/hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
& original community discussion https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/594086.html
Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/update-hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
( OP lawyers up, high-up HR's response, and Aubrey's lawn tantrum )
HR won’t do anything about a coworker who’s angry about my weight loss
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/02/hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
& original community discussion https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/594086.html
( Dramatic clothing size drop due to removal of dangerously large )
What on earth. ( More of Alison's response )
Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/update-hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
( OP lawyers up, high-up HR's response, and Aubrey's lawn tantrum )
swingandswirlThis poor woman's partner is damned lucky to still be whole, is all I'm saying.
Dear Carolyn: Yesterday, I spilled a bunch of breast milk on the floor because I was pumping while simultaneously trying to clean up our living room during my lunch break from work. My husband got irritated at me about the spill, which came -close- to hitting his laptop (but didn’t!), and I was apologetic.
On reflection, though, I am furious about that interaction. I have the kind of breast pump that can be worn on the go, and the implication is that I can work while wearing it. But it’s not enough that I’m providing food for our baby while working a full-time job, I have to triple-multitask by trying to do housework during work hours because he never does.
And instead of noticing that I’m spinning so many plates that one came -close- to dropping, and offering to help, he snapped at me for the near miss.
Am I just spiraling, or do I have a point? And, is there any way to get this point across without just sounding like a harpy?
— Sigh!
( Sadly, murder was not on the list of suggestions. )
Dear Carolyn: Yesterday, I spilled a bunch of breast milk on the floor because I was pumping while simultaneously trying to clean up our living room during my lunch break from work. My husband got irritated at me about the spill, which came -close- to hitting his laptop (but didn’t!), and I was apologetic.
On reflection, though, I am furious about that interaction. I have the kind of breast pump that can be worn on the go, and the implication is that I can work while wearing it. But it’s not enough that I’m providing food for our baby while working a full-time job, I have to triple-multitask by trying to do housework during work hours because he never does.
And instead of noticing that I’m spinning so many plates that one came -close- to dropping, and offering to help, he snapped at me for the near miss.
Am I just spiraling, or do I have a point? And, is there any way to get this point across without just sounding like a harpy?
— Sigh!
( Sadly, murder was not on the list of suggestions. )
jadelennoxA key fact necessary to understand the face I am making. Billy Graham died in 2018.
From the writings of the Rev. Billy Graham
Dear Dr. Graham:
I became a Christian a few years ago and I thought my troubles would go away. Now that I have learned more from the Bible, I realize that being a Christian can add to our problems. During COVID-19 I have seen how the church has come under attack. Why is this?
( Read more... ) source
Dear Prudence: I cannot even.
Aug. 18th, 2022 05:38 pmminoanmiss(Not the original title. Contents include: busy wife and jealous husband. also small children. Yes, you've seen this before.)
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
minoanmisscontents include coercion, sex work, misuse of sociopolitics, and a LW I wish I could bail out. ( Read more... )
An oldie but a doozy
May. 31st, 2022 11:08 pmswingandswirlCarolyn Hax: Brother has limited involvement with family. Can they make him change?
I vacation with my parents at least every other year; my brother hasn't been on vacation with us in 12-plus years. He spends Christmas at his in-laws' house, Thanksgiving in San Diego and comes home maybe five days a year. He buys us expensive gifts, sends flowers for all the funerals, etc., but doesn't attend. My mom talks to him every Sunday. This is pretty much his level of involvement with the family. My mom lies to her friends because she doesn't want them to think badly of my bro.
After all that one-sided history, here’s the problem. My brother and his wife are having a baby soon. My mom, being one who has trouble holding in her opinions, already has expressed dismay that they’re having a natural birth with a midwife/doula, using cloth diapers, etc. I’ve calmed her worries, and expressed this to my brother, BUT he won’t let my mom come see the new baby for a month. This is killing my mom (she was at the hospital for both of my kids). Should there be a point where my brother just once allows the level of “family togetherness” that the rest of us expect?
— V.
(Originally posted in 2008 and recently republished.)
Dear Carolyn: From late high school on, my younger brother has chosen to distance himself from family. My parents are Cuban, and we’re a pretty close family, with its share of Hispanic-mom guilt trips, manipulations, etc. My brother is supersmart, high school valedictorian, etc., so I think he felt marginalized at school. In college he really seemed to come out of his shell, and after graduating, he moved to Utah with his girlfriend. My mom was devastated that he moved so far from home (Texas). A couple of years later, they got married and moved to San Diego — more devastation for Mom.I vacation with my parents at least every other year; my brother hasn't been on vacation with us in 12-plus years. He spends Christmas at his in-laws' house, Thanksgiving in San Diego and comes home maybe five days a year. He buys us expensive gifts, sends flowers for all the funerals, etc., but doesn't attend. My mom talks to him every Sunday. This is pretty much his level of involvement with the family. My mom lies to her friends because she doesn't want them to think badly of my bro.
After all that one-sided history, here’s the problem. My brother and his wife are having a baby soon. My mom, being one who has trouble holding in her opinions, already has expressed dismay that they’re having a natural birth with a midwife/doula, using cloth diapers, etc. I’ve calmed her worries, and expressed this to my brother, BUT he won’t let my mom come see the new baby for a month. This is killing my mom (she was at the hospital for both of my kids). Should there be a point where my brother just once allows the level of “family togetherness” that the rest of us expect?
— V.
lemonsharksQuestion:
I(36m) was a groomsman for my friend Sara's(34F) wedding this past week. I'm only acquaintances with the groom but because I've known Sara for nearly 20 years she wanted me in the party. I'm on medication for anxiety and depression that has to be taken at a certain time of the day and also requires food, so I asked Sara what time the food would be served.
Now this is a vegetarian wedding, I'm not vegetarian but I have no problem not eating meat for a meal especially when it comes to supporting my friend. The only issue I had was when I found out the size of the meals. The entire course consisted of a side salad, a side of corn, and a side of broccoli.. If this were only for a few hours that wouldn't be a problem, but because the wedding party has to arrive before everyone, between the ceremony and shuffling to the reception the whole event was going to be over 8 hours and I knew there was no way a small salad and a few tablespoons of corn and broccoli were going to hold me over(I'm 6'2 185lbs fwiw). When Sara told me what they were serving I said something like, "Oh will there be another entre?" and she immediately got defensive so I hushed myself before causing any further tensions.
Normally I would have been straight forward about all this, but I could see she was already stressed and I didn't want to add to it, so I decided during the reception dinner that I was going to covertly order a pizza, meet the guy outside, and just sneak in and out here and there to grab a few slices from my car. I told my friend this and of course word got around to some of the other party members. Turns out I wasn't the only one who was uncomfortable going so many hours with little food, so by the time I placed the order there were about 12 other people(all from the wedding party) throwing down. I ordered 4 larges and kept them in my car so people could just kind of come and go and grab some whenever they were hungry. Nobody really seemed to notice anything until Sara couldn't find the groom anywhere. She had her mom help her find him and as you can guess she found him out by my car eating pizza..
Well to say she blew up was an understatement. She said I embarrassed her, made her feel cheap, said I only did this because it was a vegetarian wedding(3 of the pizzas had meat on them). I tried to apologize explaining the situation, but she was having none of it. The other party members that were eating the pizza were all silent, I was thrown to the wolves. She told me to leave while her mom stared daggers at me. It's been 4 days and she hasn't responded to me. Her husband did reach out to apologize for all the "confusion" but the majority of her friends(even some who ate the pizza) are telling me I'm an AH and what I did is unforgivable as she'll always remember her wedding as "not being good enough" because of my "stunt". AITA?
Top answer:
Was that ALL the food they served?? In my country, weddings have not one but multiple buffets (charcuterie, breads, sweets, confections, hot dishes….), waiters going around with trays of canapés, cake…
This is so odd. We value abundance here and a person leaving hungry would be the most embarrassing thing ever. If she planned that little food, yes, it’s her fault people wanted to enjoy her event and still be full. NTA !!!! Even tho in normal circumstances it would be very unpolite to order outside food at a reception, I think health and being hungry is a good exception.
People can get severely sick if they don’t eat enough (hi, hypoglycemic here), and it’s not a “vegetarian” problem, it’s a catering planning problem. It’s a long ass event, there’s time in there to fit two meals. Awful not to think about the well-being of her guests.
And people who ate the pizza calling you asshole, hypocrisy much?
OP Clarification:
I'm going to hop on this to reply because unfortunately I'd go over the character limit in the OP. To clear some things the food was from a catering company, but it was not buffet style. We were summoned by table and each person received one plate. The entirety of that plate was the salad, broccoli and corn. The salad was spruced up a bit and the broccoli and corn were prepared and seasoned, but that was literally all each person got for their plate. Cake was served after dinner for every person to get one slice each. I didn't have an issue with the food itself, I just didn't think it would be enough for me because by that point I had not eaten in hours and needed to take my medication. if I don't eat enough food with my meds I get really nauseous and it becomes a bit of a nightmare, unfortunately.
Last letter!
Dec. 20th, 2021 01:13 pmconulyDear Care and Feeding,
My brother and his daughter came to stay with me and my husband over Thanksgiving. They live a few hours away, so it’s always a joy to be able to get together again. My niece, “Ivy,” is 8, and my brother shares custody of Ivy with his ex. I know this might seem minor to some people, but I’m really irritated by a passive-aggressive comment that Ivy made about me at my house. I have a framed picture of me at my high school graduation in my living room, amongst other pictures of me and my husband. Ivy pointed to that picture before dinner and asked who that is in the picture. I explained that it was me. She then said, “Oh, you look so different there!”
I know what that means. That means, “You are old and ugly.” I graduated about twenty years ago, and it stung to have that rubbed in my face. After dinner, when my husband and I were alone, I brought up the comment and how rude and hurtful it was. My husband said that I was beautiful and not to overthink it or discuss with my brother. That being said, if she’s saying this to her own aunt, what is she saying to other people? I mentioned to my brother that I was hurt by Ivy underhandedly insulting my appearance, to which he said that he didn’t see it as an insult. He said he was going to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he needs to teach Ivy better manners. I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings and stop gaslighting me. I’m also worried that this passive-aggressive behavior is going to become a pattern for Ivy, and she’ll end up hurting a lot of other people around her. What else can I do to deal with this situation?
—Passive Aggressed
( Read more... )
My brother and his daughter came to stay with me and my husband over Thanksgiving. They live a few hours away, so it’s always a joy to be able to get together again. My niece, “Ivy,” is 8, and my brother shares custody of Ivy with his ex. I know this might seem minor to some people, but I’m really irritated by a passive-aggressive comment that Ivy made about me at my house. I have a framed picture of me at my high school graduation in my living room, amongst other pictures of me and my husband. Ivy pointed to that picture before dinner and asked who that is in the picture. I explained that it was me. She then said, “Oh, you look so different there!”
I know what that means. That means, “You are old and ugly.” I graduated about twenty years ago, and it stung to have that rubbed in my face. After dinner, when my husband and I were alone, I brought up the comment and how rude and hurtful it was. My husband said that I was beautiful and not to overthink it or discuss with my brother. That being said, if she’s saying this to her own aunt, what is she saying to other people? I mentioned to my brother that I was hurt by Ivy underhandedly insulting my appearance, to which he said that he didn’t see it as an insult. He said he was going to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he needs to teach Ivy better manners. I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings and stop gaslighting me. I’m also worried that this passive-aggressive behavior is going to become a pattern for Ivy, and she’ll end up hurting a lot of other people around her. What else can I do to deal with this situation?
—Passive Aggressed
( Read more... )
conulyI was 41-years-old when I was dating a lovely 16-year-old girl. I made the cardinal mistake of inviting her to my company party. The gossipmonger types engaged in salacious banter that hurt my reputation. I ended up leaving that job.
At 45, I’d asked my then-girlfriend (age 17) to accompany me to my office party. I told her not to volunteer any demographical information about herself and instructed her to tailor her appearance to “look a bit older.”
Unfortunately, a senior VP’s daughter was a high-school classmate with my date and he recognized her right away. The shame and humiliation that I endured in the aftermath forced me to quit that employer.
Today, I’m on an executive track in a senior leadership role at a great company that has much career advancement potential.
I’m 48, and my gorgeous wife of eight months just turned 19. Heeding the lessons of my past, I’m extremely reluctant to take my wife to the party this week.
But skipping it would be detrimental from a networking standpoint.
However, if I attend with my wife, I risk possibly irking many people, especially since numbers of my colleagues have daughters in her same age-range. I don’t think this’ll go well in this #MeToo era. Should I attend the party alone?
( And the answer )
http://ellieadvice.com/dating-much-younger-people-can-cause-judgement-from-others/
At 45, I’d asked my then-girlfriend (age 17) to accompany me to my office party. I told her not to volunteer any demographical information about herself and instructed her to tailor her appearance to “look a bit older.”
Unfortunately, a senior VP’s daughter was a high-school classmate with my date and he recognized her right away. The shame and humiliation that I endured in the aftermath forced me to quit that employer.
Today, I’m on an executive track in a senior leadership role at a great company that has much career advancement potential.
I’m 48, and my gorgeous wife of eight months just turned 19. Heeding the lessons of my past, I’m extremely reluctant to take my wife to the party this week.
But skipping it would be detrimental from a networking standpoint.
However, if I attend with my wife, I risk possibly irking many people, especially since numbers of my colleagues have daughters in her same age-range. I don’t think this’ll go well in this #MeToo era. Should I attend the party alone?
( And the answer )
http://ellieadvice.com/dating-much-younger-people-can-cause-judgement-from-others/
