Agony Aunt

Dear Carolyn: I heard my new sister-in-law, “Ann,” call my husband a jacka--, and I don’t know whether to talk to her about it. I heard Ann and her best friend whispering about something at a recent party, and I admit it: I eavesdropped. I heard her friend say, “Is the short one the jacka-- brother-in-law?” And Ann said, “No, it’s the tall one,” meaning my husband.

My husband likes Ann, but he also likes to tease and joke around about some of Ann’s quirks. She is nice and a good hostess, but she’s also kind of pretentious. Like she’ll use cloth napkins and china plates for a cookout, put flowers in a salad and call pouring custard “crème Anglaise.” So my husband teases her, saying she spilled flowers in the food or calling her Martha Stewart — mild stuff like that, all very good-natured. I know he’d be surprised and hurt if he knew what she thought of him.

I think this could blow over if I explained to her that it’s all in good fun and that he really does like her, but I’m not sure how to bring it up.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: The fastest blow-over opportunity is for your husband to stop being a jacka--.

You think it’s “mild stuff” and “all very good-natured,” but what you describe is an established member of a family constantly hammering on about how different a new member is from everyone else.

Have you ever been in that environment yourself? It’s never as pleasant or harmless as the person creating it thinks, especially over time.

You assume she’ll be okay with it — and therefore you and your husband can avoid making any effort yourselves — as soon as she knows it’s “all in good fun.” Maybe you’re even right about that. But you haven’t accounted for other reasons his remarks might annoy her. She could fully understand he likes her and means well, for example, and still find his shtick unfunny, annoying or stale. Even a crackin’-good Martha Stewart joke is a bad one the second or 17th time.

So the decent move is to flip your intervention impulse 180 degrees: Support Ann, and coach up your spouse. First, pick a quiet moment and suggest to him that the Ann jokes are wearing thin. Remind him you both like her, yes? And she knocks herself out to make things nice for her new extended family? So maybe just an even-more-good-natured “thank you” will do.

Then: When your husband still says, “Oops, there are flowers in the salad,” har-dee-har, say to Ann: “Ignore him. That looks amazing. Where’d you get the recipe?”

When she breaks out the china and cloth napkins, compliment her table. What’s china for at this point, anyway: adding a formal touch to the attic it sits in? And cloth napkins are: (a) Environmentally sound. (b) Much nicer and more practical than paper. (c) Homespun as all get-out. Choose whichever you’re least likely to pick on.

When she refers to crème anglaise, consider that she, like me, never heard the term “pouring custard” until you used it. Because this big country has a lot of regional pockets that we’re all born into by no choice of our own. To her, I’m guessing, you’re all a bunch of “quirks.”

Dear Carolyn: I am a single 75-year-old woman who has recently had the good fortune to move into a house that my oldest son bought for me next door, so that I could spend time with my young grandkids. I moved from another state and I am part of their lives generally every day, a win-win for me, grandkids, and parents alike. I loved being a mother and homemaker, carry this same joy into my grandparenting, and feel this is where I shine.

My problem concerns my daughter-in-law. Even though I feel many of her rules concerning her kids are too rigid, unnecessary, and are a killjoy for them and for me, I believe I need to honor these rules. But there is one area that has long annoyed me and that, now that I live nearby and have some control over it, I would like your opinion on.

When I mailed gifts, they often would not get opened on the day of, and were sometimes opened weeks later. I can appreciate her rules about when things get opened, and that sometimes this is challenging and delays things, but where my gifts are concerned I just feel a lack of urgency in general. She calls the shots on how things go down in that household and the focus is largely on her own family. It really takes away from my joy.

Now that I live next door, I would like to give my own gifts on the day of, at my own home. I am anticipating resistance from my daughter-in-law. Sometimes I feel my hands are tied in so many ways with regard to the kids and we could have so much fun if not for my daughter-in-law’s frequent disapprovals. Of note: When I was their guest, I was not allowed to wash dishes, fold the laundry, put away the toys, etc., and I’m certain it was because I didn’t do it to her standards. She has her good qualities too, of course, and my son seems happily married, but the body language and facial expressions toward so many of us are an annoyance I’m going to have to fight every day.

— Next Door

Next Door: If I understand you correctly, you see living next door as an exciting new opportunity to finally win some power struggles with your rigid daughter-in-law.

I.e., to celebrate your Powerball win by trying to shoplift some candy.

Your place in this family is not only solid, it’s solid beyond the wildest dreams of anyone who has a daughter-in-law on the flinty side. I hope you’ll take my inbox’s word on this.

And although I accept your position 100 percent that you have been kept at a tight-lipped distance when it comes to her Ways of Doing Domestic Things — and I feel your resulting frustrations — the bigger arc of your story just doesn’t ring true.

Principally, I can’t buy into an assertion that “she calls the shots” and favors her own kin in a marriage that acquired the house next door for her mother-in-law who obviously isn’t her biggest fan.

You see where I’m coming from here, yes?

I hope so, because the stakes of your relationship with your son's family were already high and just got higher — access to your grandchildren, love, inclusion, community, shelter, care as you age — and because in the same move, the already-small stakes of the whole timing-of-gift-unwrappage thing just got microfreakingscopic.

Please trust me on this, too. As sympathetic as I am to the emotional power of our self-definitions, and as vulnerable as you are to her “frequent disapprovals,” using your proximity to try to claw back some control over family rituals sounds dreadfully misguided. Her resistance isn’t personal, even; you say yourself she’s like this with “so many of us.”

Instead, I urge you use your maternal talents in a more profound way: to encourage them not to regret moving you next door. (I kid.) Use them to think bigger and become the mother (-in-law) your son and daughter-in-law need. Don’t throw away your self-image or dull your shine, just tweak them both to reflect the role you play now in the family yours has become.

From where I sit, the couple have made it clear what they welcome: They want you close, they want you involved daily with the kids — and they want you to leave their towel-folding, toy-filing, gift-opening systems alone. Such clarity might not be as impressive as buying you a home, but it too is a generous gift.

In case you’re wondering: I have my opinions on “her rules.” But what I think of them is irrelevant unless and until they ask me what I think.

You can take that exact position yourself with real conviction; not just, “I need to honor these rules,” but, “Whew, I get to be the daily Grandma and I’m off the hook for dishes!” Isn’t that in the “joy” column, too? Or can’t it be, at least, if you deliberately put it there?

And choose to drop the gift thing completely? I can’t recall a battle that has ever begged harder not to be picked.

Dear Annie: The problem is not with our son, but his wife. They dated in high school and college, and she was friendly and nice to us during those periods, visiting us quite often. They were married after living together for more than five years, and during that time we had good relations with them. They would visit us once a week.

My son and daughter-in-law are well-educated, and they now have two young daughters, ages 6 and 3. The girls are very attached to us. But our daughter-in-law controls the girls and they rarely visit us.

When they do visit, their mother won't let the kids out of her sight. The other day, my wife showed the children the strawberries that had grown in our backyard. Their mother immediately told them not to eat them, even though my wife had said they would be washed. Their mother said no.

We helped our son and his wife financially to buy their house. They live around 10 minutes' drive from our house. Yet we go to their house only two times a year to attend our granddaughters' birthdays. Otherwise, they never invite us. Being in our 60s, we are not young. It seems odd, but even when we want to babysit, she refuses to have them stay with us. Yet her parents babysit all the time.

When he is alone with us, our son is happy to chat, but once she arrives, he becomes a totally changed person -- as if he is her puppy.

Once a week, we insist that our son have lunch with us at a restaurant during his lunch break from work. But if we bring up any issues involving his wife's attitude toward us or our grandchildren, he gets very mad, so we don't even discuss it.

We have another son and we have no problems; he and his wife let my wife babysit, and we meet with them often.

We are sad about the son whose wife has become unfriendly, and we are turning to you for advice. -- Questioning Grandparents

Dear Questioning Grandparents: Keeping your grandchildren away from you and your husband not only hurts you, but it also hurts the children. Grandparents can provide security and wisdom to their grandchildren. They can tell them stories of what their dad was like when he was their age. Kids always get a kick out of that. It is understandable that you crave a loving relationship with them. Grandkids can help grandparents to stay mentally sharp and stave off depression or loneliness.

Your daughter-in-law seems to be a controlling person, and that is creating problems for your relationship with your and for your son. So continue to tread lightly and appreciate the time you get with your son and his children, however limited it is. Also, watch that you don't try to control your own son by saying "we insist" that he have lunch with you once a week.

Keep talking to your son about your desire to have a close relationship, and explain all of the mutual benefits. Ask what would make your son and daughter-in-law more comfortable visiting or letting you babysit. Get interested in her concerns. At the same time, continue to nurture your relationship with your other son's kids and enjoy being terrific grandparents.

Okay, the subject line is not exactly neutral (there wasn't one at the site), and if "adulting" can be a word, so can "senioring."

( Physical health, accusations of hypochondria )

I have had this open to post for weeks.

( And I mean boundary Issues )

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby girl, our first. We both work full-time, but my husband is gone nights and weekends and I'm the primary parent at home with our daughter.

Something has been bothering me since my daughter came along. My in-laws have never once told me I'm doing a good job as a mother. I'm critiqued every time they come over, whether it be that her hands are too cold, her room is too warm or her nails are too "sharp."

They compliment my husband repeatedly, and he's the first to give all the credit to me, but I feel like they don't think I'm doing a good job and it makes me feel bad. Am I being too sensitive? -- CRITICIZED ALL THE TIME

DEAR CRITICIZED: It is possible that in making these comments, your in-laws are simply trying to be helpful. Instead of regarding them as criticism, take them under consideration.

However, if your hurt feelings persist, you -- or your husband -- should point out to his parents that in trying to be helpful, they have forgotten to be supportive, and mention some of the things you are doing right.