agonyaunt | Entries tagged with civility

1. DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my daughter went "no contact" with both sides of our family -- grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, as well as cousins. Since then, I have been struggling with how I should answer acquaintances who ask, "How is she doing?" as well as those who ask, "Do you have children?"

I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.

Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON

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2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA

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oursin

You be the judge: my housemate always loses our keys. Should he pay for a smart lock?

The prosecution: Mark Rami has offered to go halves on an electronic key fob – but he should pay for it all.
Rami is a good mate. We met at uni and he moved in to my place eight months ago when I had to remortgage my house and found the cost had gone up exponentially. I have a three-bed and am recently single, while Rami needed to find a new place after his old landlord sold up, so it made sense for both of us.

We’re both 32 and like living together as we’ve got similar interests: kickboxing, going to the gym, cooking. We’re both pretty tidy, although I’m definitely less laid-back. Rami misplaces things – in particular, our house keys. I can’t tell you the number of times he has lost them. It’s ridiculous.

He’s lost them on nights out, or just coming back from work. One time he left a set on the train. The first couple of times I gave him spares and didn’t ask him to pay for a new set because I had loads, but after that I would say: “Mate, this is on you.” He told me it’s because his old house had a smart lock, where you key in a code. And when he lived with his parents, they had a key box. He says he’s just not used to carrying around keys.

As a compromise, I installed a key box outside the house, concealed in a little pouch by the front window. You put a code in to unlock the box and get the keys out. At first, I didn’t like the idea of having the keys right next to the front door, and wondered if people would be able to smash the box open, but I got used to it.

But then Rami wouldn’t put the keys back into the box. He’d take them straight into the house. A couple of times when I came home, I couldn’t get in. I’d have to call him to open the door. One time he went out to meet a friend, and took the keys with him, so he locked me out completely.

Rami needs to respect the key box. Now I’ve taken to carrying my own set of keys, which defeats the purpose. He has suggested getting an electronic key fob for our door. I’m not a huge fan of this idea – I don’t like how it looks and it’s expensive. Rami said he would pay half, but seeing as he’s the one who keeps losing keys, I don’t think I should have to pay for it at all.

( The defence: Rami )

( The jury of Guardian readers )

conuly

1. Dear Carolyn: My daughter-in-law-to-be, “Jennifer,” has been cool to me, and I’ve wondered why. My son said he hadn’t noticed anything. I think I figured it out, and it’s all a misunderstanding.

I always thought Jennifer was divorced from the father of her 5-year-old, but I just found out she never was married.

I think she overheard me talking with my sister at a recent party about a 20-year-old girl we know who is having a baby. We agreed it was a shame that thoughtless, careless people procreate without intention, without marriage and without adequate income when it is so easy to prevent. It could have looked as if we were describing Jennifer — she got pregnant in college — but we definitely were not.

Should I address this misunderstanding with her, or hope it blows over?

— Misunderstood

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2. Dear Carolyn: I am in the middle of a divorce, and my 13-year-old son is being, frankly, a brat about it. I get that divorce is hard on kids, but it’s hard on the adults, too, and I’m losing my patience with him.

The big issue right now is we have both agreed that we will allow him to decide whom he’s going to live with during the week (he’ll live with the other on weekends). This decision needs to be made soon, and he is flat-out refusing to decide. My soon-to-be ex and I are both at a loss on how to get a decision out of him. Any suggestions?

— Divorcing

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conuly

1. DEAR NATALIE: My friend divorced recently and I was the last to know what was going on. In fact, I only found out when our mutual friend invited us to her “divorce party.” I was really disgusted to even be included in something so crass, and I told my friend that I didn’t even know they were having marital problems. “Oh yea, she’s been miserable for months,” is what my friend said to me. For months? I had just been out with her and her husband several weeks before this announcement and they seemed fine. I also didn’t appreciate my friend confiding in everyone before me. I don’t think I want to go to this party. We are very good friends with her soon-to-be ex-husband, as well. Do you think if I skip it I’ll look as though I’m choosing sides? I care about her, of course, but why celebrate something so sad? It doesn’t sit well with me. Thoughts on this? – WHY A PARTY?

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2. My sister staged a fake wedding years ago. Her boyfriend’s mother was giving money to her children, and the married ones got double the amount of those who were single. We flew cross-country, in good faith, for this charade and spent thousands of dollars. I discovered the truth only six years ago, when I learned that my sister receives Medicaid benefits as a single person who earns little, even though she lives with her boyfriend in a huge house with many trappings of wealth. Now, my mom wants me to invite them for Christmas dinner with my sisters’ families, but I can’t overlook their lies. My mom says it’s none of my business, but as taxpayers, my sisters and I are outraged at the way they scam the system. I think inviting them would end in a big fight. Advice?

SISTER

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3. Dear Carolyn: I am 39, and I have three younger brothers. One of them is engaged and living with his fiancée, and one weekend last summer we all stayed with him. And I cannot stand his fiancée.

Part of it is on principle: My brother is 37, and she is 26. He is a doctor, and I think he focused on getting established, and when he wanted to have kids, he picked a younger woman. I have a lot of female friends in their 30s who describe dating as very hard specifically because men want younger women.

The other part is that she is such a Stepford wife. She is a teacher and was off for the summer. Their entire house was clean and organized, she had meals or local restaurants planned, she made activities suggestions for our other brother’s kids, and looked incredible — thin, young, hot. It feels like my smart, accomplished brother picked a young, hot woman instead of somebody his own age who is too busy with a career to put cereal in plastic bins.

I agreed to be a bridesmaid because I couldn’t think of a way to say no. But I don’t know how to fake it for an entire wedding.

My husband just says, “She was very nice to us,” which is true if you just look at the surface. I need help not tearing my hair out.

— Anonymous

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ysobel

(original title "by kids of son’s girlfriend")

Letter cut because the description of the kids infuriates me. One crime? They use HANDS to eat PIZZA, the absolute horror.

( no favoritism here, nosireebob )

minoanmiss

https://www.askamanager.org/2022/03/my-boss-jokes-about-firing-people-my-awful-ex-coworker-works-at-the-company-im-interviewing-with-and-more.html

( 1. My boss jokes about firing people )

( 2. My awful former coworker works at the company I’m interviewing with )

conuly

Hi, Carolyn: My daughter-in-law has always been quiet and polite and acts like she needs a lot of alone time. I assumed she was introverted or shy and didn’t hold it against her.

I recently met a classmate of hers who described her as talkative and outgoing. Ever since then, I’ve felt resentful of how standoffish she is with me and my husband. I told her I’d met a friend who described her as very talkative, and she said politely and emotionlessly, “Yes, they’re a fun group.”

My husband said she’s two-faced and not worth the trouble, but I want her to open up to me. I know I shouldn’t feel so angry, but I feel like she pretended to be shy to avoid me.

Is there any way I can tell her that I want her to feel free to talk to me like she would a friend?

- Angry

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minoanmiss

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Current Mood: laughing helplessly

minoanmiss

Dear Prudence,
My marriage ended because my wife had a late-in-life epiphany that she was gay. After we separated, she and her friend “Carole” began dating. ( Read more... )