agonyaunt | Entries tagged with pay dirt

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My boyfriend, who is 60 years old, and I (48) have been together for 15 years. I make low six figures, and he makes about $20,000 to $30,000 less than that. We live in his house with about 10 years left on the mortgage. We’ve talked about getting married, and he is anxious to move into a home that is more friendly to aging in place. We’ve been saving money to buy a house together, plus I have a few thousand from selling a small townhouse a few years ago.

My concern is that if we buy a house together, he’s made it clear that both of our names will be on the mortgage but it will be only his name on the house title. His philosophy is that if we’re married and he dies, I will inherit the house anyway. My concern is that if we split up (let’s be realistic here), I will be left on a mortgage that I’ve helped pay down with nothing to show for it. (This is after I’ve basically paid his $800 mortgage as “rent” since we moved in together 10 years ago. I also pay our cell phone bill and he pays all other utilities.) He says we can write up documents showing what each of us brought to the house purchase and what each of us contributes monthly, but my gut says I’m putting myself in a precarious financial situation. Am I right to be concerned, or can we put something on paper so I can protect myself whether or not we’re married?

—Paying With Nothing to Show for It

Dear Paying With Nothing to Show for It,

I’m a big “trust your gut” girl. You already feel as though you’re paying more toward your joint expenses than you should, and if I read between the lines, you seem to feel that by paying $800 in rent, you’re a mortgage meal ticket. That’s no way to feel about someone you supposedly want to marry.

I don’t understand his reasoning. If you each put down an equal amount for a down payment and contribute the same amount on the mortgage, you should share ownership of the property equally. You should own the property as joint tenants with rights of survivorship. If he puts down substantially more, and is willing to shoulder a proportionate share of the expenses, then you can own the property as tenants in common, reflecting the percentage of the total each of you has contributed. If he can’t understand and agree to this sharing of an asset, I wonder what else he isn’t getting about you and your relationship.

As for papering over the issue, sure. You can sign a partnership agreement covering the purchase of the property—and all of your other joint assets. You can dictate how much each of you should put in to cover your expenses and then divide who pays for what any number of ways: by percentage of income (you’d pay more since you earn more) or equally. But why not back that up with ownership?

minoanmiss

I don’t want anything to do with my father or half-siblings. He walked out on our family when I was 7 because he knocked up a neighbor. ( Read more... )

minoanmiss

...I'm Afraid I Know What He's After.

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Current Mood: curious

conuly

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1. Dear Pay Dirt,

Is there etiquette (or ethics) around what survivors do with memorial money donated at a funeral? I always thought a memorial donation was meant to be given to a charity of the family’s choice in honor of the deceased. A close friend of mine just lost his elderly father, and because the family hadn’t listed any preferred charities in the obituary, I put a hefty cash donation with the card at the funeral, assuming it would go to a charity of their choice.
Later, my friend mentioned that he and his siblings were going to put any memorial cash toward funeral expenses. I know that funerals are expensive, but my friend is doing well financially, and his brother married into generational wealth of an amount that is mind-boggling. It seems petty and cheap, and perhaps dishonest, of them to put memorials toward expenses. If I had known this, I would have donated directly to a charity, but it’s too late for that now. If they were struggling financially, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it seems inappropriate at best, and downright sleazy at worst. Or maybe everyone does this and I have been deluded about the purpose of memorial donations. I’m also not sure whether to bring it up with my friend or let it go. Your thoughts?

—Memorial Muddle

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2. Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m struggling with money and the parents of my child’s friends. My middle school-aged child is kind and engaging and has lots of friends who spend a lot of time at our home. I have spent several thousand dollars feeding these guests over the summer. (Not snacks, meals.) I ask myself when they leave home in the morning, and their parents have not given them any money, who do their parents think is feeding their children night after night after night?

Most of the hanging out happens at our house. Occasionally, my child will go to one of their homes. I don’t think they have ever been given more than a bag of potato chips by another parent. My child always texts to see if I can send money to buy dinner. I’ve never met any of their parents. These kids have to take buses to get here so it’s not like they can go home, eat, and come back, even if their parents were home to feed them.

I wish I were one of those people who loves to wine and dine the multitudes, but I hate to cook, and I don’t have a lot of money. I’m ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I wonder how I can feed my child dinner without feeding everybody else. Any advice is welcome!

—Not Proud of Feeling Stingy

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minoanmiss

... I Made the Mistake of Telling Him So. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: ESH

jadelennox

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I are in our mid-40s and in a good year, we average a household income of about $800,000.( Read more... )

jadelennox

Dear Pay Dirt,

In May, I traveled 1,000 miles at my own expense to attend my niece’s wedding. The invitation was unclear about the dress code, specifying formal cocktail attire for a 4 p.m. event. I texted her for clarification providing a list of possible sartorial choices from suit and tie, to polo shirt and khakis, to board shorts and flip-flops. She replied, “The attire is cocktail just no jeans or tennis shoes.” Based on that, I wore black dress shoes, black slacks, and a hand-screen, silk-blend Hawaiian-style shirt that resembled Fred Flintstone’s outfit. I thought it was dressy for cocktail, but fun to recognize the celebratory nature of the event and the time of day. ( Read more... )

jadelennox

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conuly

Dear Pay Dirt,

Everyone in my family is an academic achiever except me. Despite tests showing high intelligence, my grades were terrible. Decades later, I learned I had an undiagnosed, learning disability. I never told my family. When I was 7, I misunderstood a gift and spent $20 on a bunch of candy instead of returning the change. Because of that, my family thinks I’m bad with money.

My parents also bailed me out of credit card debt in college, but I haven’t taken their money since. My family never lets me pick up a check because they believe I’m poor. I don’t discuss my finances because they don’t believe me. My husband and I have a combined income in the mid-six figures with over seven figures in savings. (I outearn one of my siblings!) My family tried to stop us from buying a house and sending our kids to private school.

During estate planning, my parents allocated me more money than my siblings because they think I’ll need it. One sibling wants me to get it because they don’t want to be financially responsible for me and the other is complaining that my parents are punishing them for being responsible. It’s not my fault my family never updated their views, and if they think I need “special help,” then it’s ethical to accept it, right? I’m not lying to or deceiving anyone.

—You Can’t Handle the Truth

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jadelennox

[Note from poster: Sometimes you start reading a pay dirt column and you get to the answer and you think dear god that must be Athena because in a million years I cannot imagine Elizabeth writing those words. And it turns out you are right, self!]

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I live in a home with large lot that requires a lot of upkeep.

Neither of us enjoys yardwork, and my preference would be to hire it out. We are both well-compensated attorneys who work 60-hour weeks; time is far more precious to me than money. But my husband says paying someone else is a “waste” and that we “can’t afford it.” (We are literally millionaires). He insists on doing everything himself, for hours every Saturday, grumbling and snappish the entire time because I’m not helping. He also expects a lot of praise for the upkeep, but it’s actively something I would prefer he not do. I would much rather he spend time with the family or recharge his batteries while we pay a gardener a handsome living wage. Do I have to help? How much credit should he get for something I hate that he’s doing anyway?

—I Didn’t Ask for This

Dear I Didn’t Ask For This,

It sounds like he’s doing this out of pride. He’s proving to himself that he can still maintain his yard and home without needing anyone, despite how wealthy he is. That would also explain why he demands credit from you and feels as though he’s not getting enough of it. Whatever the reason, you don’t have to agree with him about the best way to approach this. But you’ve done what you can to convince him to hire landscapers. In the meantime, you might try a different tactic: Offer him a little support.

I would ask him how he would like you to contribute besides helping with the yard work itself (since you’ve offered to pay for it on your end and he’s refused). Does he want you to bring over some water bottles when he’s outside working? Would a nice lunch break together help him feel better about this situation (mind you, of his own making)? I’m not saying that needing constant reassurance from you about a situation you’ve offered to solve isn’t frustrating, but a little reassurance and support can go a long way. Maybe then, he’ll even see the light and come around on those landscapers.

—Athena

source

jadelennox

Dear Pay Dirt,

When I graduate college in 2022, I was gifted a large sum of money as a graduation present to help pay off my loans. My parents (who are missionaries and also recently inherited a lot of cash) offered to match this gift to help me out. But when Biden’s plan for student loan forgiveness got announced, my parents asked/demanded the money for their ministry (which has no issue fundraising), saying that I should manage and pay off the rest of my loans to learn “financial responsibility” even though I am otherwise almost entirely financially independent. I tried to object but my entire family said I was being selfish and acted disgusted that I would want some control over my own finances, so I gave in. But now that it seems like student loans will not be forgiven, I want the money back. Am I incredibly selfish? What do I do?

—Morally Confused

Dear Morally Confused,

You’re certainly not selfish for wanting control over your finances or wanting to pay off your student loans. But it sounds like your parents did not give that gift freely and instead actually wanted it routed toward their ministry. If student loan forgiveness gets overturned by the Supreme Court, you could request the gift back, but it doesn’t sound like it was ever much of a “gift”—just a way to guilt you into donating more to your parents’ ministry. Asking for your donation back will not give you peace with your family, only a fresh round of being called “selfish.” You might be better off paying the last bit of your student loans without their assistance. If you want independent control over your finances, you will have to refuse money from your parents with attached strings and guilt.

jadelennox

Dear Pay Dirt,

My fiancée and I have both considerable debt, with low-paying jobs, and skyrocketing rent. We both work remotely but she goes into the office a lot. We rent a small studio. My father owns several properties and offered to let us “rent” his one-bedroom condo for what amounts to the cost of the fees and taxes. We would essentially be paying less than a third of the market rate. In three years, we could pay off most of our debts and maybe start saving for a wedding.

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source at slate

jadelennox

( Making sure I want for nothing satisfies him, and being cared for so wholly pleases me. )

source at slate

misbegotten

( Husband is secretive, irresponsible, and weird about money )

minoanmiss

From Pay Dirt: Our Horrible Neighbors Are Forcing Us to Sell Our Home ( Read more... )

From Dear Prudence: Help! We’re Getting a Free House. My Only Concern Is the Pedophile Next Door. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: confused

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: curious

minoanmiss

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jadelennox

Dear Pay Dirt,

What’s the appropriate amount to give to charity for my income level? I make around $700,000 a year, and give around $10,000 a year to charity, which seems measly for my income level. Some days I think this is absurdly low—with current levels of inequality I should be giving half of my after-tax income to charity. Other days I think, hell, my effective tax rate is about 50%. Do I really owe society more?

—Am I A Scrooge?

Dear Scrooge,

Acknowledging inequality says a lot about you, so no, I don’t think you’re a total scrooge. Honestly, I would get angry paying that much in taxes myself. And you may have other situations where you’re being generous—supporting family members who have less, for example—that aren’t strictly “charity,” as most would understand it.

People’s opinions may differ, but I don’t think you should have to give to a charitable cause just in order to feel better about your high income. Instead, acknowledge your high income as a gift and find a cause you feel passionate about. Donating just because is different than donating to a cause that keeps you up at night. You may find that, as you become more passionate about the work being done, you may want to donate more, whether that be dollars or time. You could also look into making a recurring donation, like setting up a scholarship fund at a local non-profit. You’d be making a difference while changing someone’s future.

Source

Current Mood: angry

minoanmiss

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minoanmiss

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minoanmiss

I wanted to compare and contrast these letters.

( Letter One From PayDirt: My Sister Just Cut Off Our Elderly Parents for the Absolute Worst Reason )

( Letter Two from Dear Prudence: My Sister Is Threatening to Cut Me Off Over Participating in a Lesbian Wedding )