Dear Care & Feeding: My Friend's Husband Doesn't Trust My Big Dog

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

A good friend from college is now married with two small kids. When we visit each other (no less than twice a year), there is always tension with her husband, “Paul,” and my big dumb dog, “Scooter.” The kiddos and Scooter all like each other and are very cautiously interested in playing with each other (which only happens with supervision, of course). Every once in a while, something happens and they need a short break from each other: The dog barks at a passing car and the kids get scared, a kid throws a tantrum or drops a toy and the dog gets spooked. Pretty standard interactions, at least as far as my friend and I are concerned.

However, Paul is always on high alert when Scooter is around.
He says weird things directly to him—i.e., “If you bite my baby, I will kill you”—which are obviously meant to put me on notice as if I’m not already keeping a close eye on how my dog treats his children. Paul also gets annoyed that I don’t apologize when Scooter does something that freaks the kids out. I’m not exactly over here keeping score, but I don’t believe he’s ever apologized when his children have done normal, annoying kid stuff like pulling my hair with mac-and-cheese-covered hands.

Keeping Scooter in another room during these visits isn’t an option because he will bark incessantly. My husband is pretty neutral in all this but picks up on the tension and, like me, keeps a close eye on the dog at all times when Paul’s family is around. Our annual visits are so great otherwise, and I’d like to keep them going. What to do?

—Ruh-Roh

Dear RR,

Not all dog owners are “dog people,” but I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that you are, in fact, a dog person. You know, the sort who loves “big dumb dogs” and can hold an entire conversation with a stranger’s doggo in the park. The type of person who says, “Oh, it’s OK, he’s friendly” when their dog sniffs around a stranger, as opposed to “I’m sorry, he’s friendly, are you OK with him being that close?” The gal who is the reason for those “We love your dogs, and we are so sorry, but we cannot allow them inside” signs that are increasingly common outside of dining establishments because they believe it’s just totally normal for Fido to be slobbering around and shit while the rest of us are trying to enjoy our scones at the bakery.

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Dog people are not inherently self- or dog-centered, but they don’t always seem to realize that there’s a whole segment of the population that does not enjoy or care about dogs. They also don’t make the same sort of distinction between pups and people that the rest of us would, which I got from you pointing out that Paul expects apologies for Scooter’s dog-like behavior while not offering them for his little ones’ childlike antics.

It sounds like two things could be at play here:

1) Paul is not a dog person.

2) Paul has some sort of fear-based anxiety related to dogs that is triggered by the sight of your big-ass dog interacting with his children—which could be related to a traumatic event.

To be on the safe side, let’s just operate with the empathy that the latter would require and also take the former into consideration when introducing Scooter to new humans in the future.

Let Paul know that you are keenly aware of the discomfort he experiences when his kids play with your dog, and though while Scooter has no prior history of violence or aggression, you take his concerns seriously. Explain that you and your husband will always keep a close eye on Scooter when he’s around the kids, but that you’ll also work with his wife to design an itinerary that limits their interactions during these special-but-rare visits. It doesn’t matter how much the children like Scooter or how comfortable you and your homegirl are with watching them play; if Paul is this bothered by it, you are one very small scratch away from having these annual get-togethers shelved for good. Respect the man’s feelings. If anyone is going to break down his feelings and convert him to the Church of Doggo, it won’t be you. Happy holidays!