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agonyaunt2021-12-14 01:57 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-12-14 01:57 pm
Entry tags:
Care & Feeding: Should I Tell My Girlfriend’s Kids The Truth About Their Father?
I can’t stand seeing them get hurt again.
When is it appropriate to be honest with kids about what an asshole their deadbeat dad is? My girlfriend’s ex walked out on their four kids (7, 8, 10, and 14-years-old) and has seen them once every few years since then. Not only are his visits spaced out, he’ll promise the kids he’s coming to see them a few times a year, make real, detailed plans with them, and then text my girlfriend a few hours after he’s supposed to be there that he’s not coming. The kids always get excited, ask for special outfits, make him gifts, and get their hearts broken just as badly each time. I met him briefly exactly once. He’s not exactly the kind of influence I would want in the kids’ life anyway. (There are too many examples to write here but he’s homophobic, and sexist, and just sucks), but he could at least talk to them, or acknowledge their birthdays, or at least stop messing with them.
I get that their mom can’t say how she actually feels, but every time she encourages them to get their hopes up and then makes excuses for him and assures them next time will be different. Watching these kids eagerly rearrange their lives only to be crushed, confused, and blame themselves is making me think that this is unhealthy and will lead to self-esteem issues. I don’t want them to think being manipulated is a normal, acceptable part of a relationship.
There are always a few days of behavior problems that only happen after he lets them down, and I can’t help but think this is affecting their development. They have a fantastic, solid, loving mom, and I (also a woman) have been lucky enough to be in their lives for three years, so they have examples of real adults they can depend on. But I feel like knowing how to recognize someone treating them badly is as important as seeing models of how they should be treated. Obviously they wouldn’t be responsible for setting boundaries right now, but if we started talking about his behavior for what it really is and telling the kids that they didn’t have to bend over backwards for someone who may or may not show up, wouldn’t that be a positive lesson? Or would it cause them more stress and put them in the middle, like my girlfriend thinks? I can’t stand that he gets to hurt them over and over.
—Beat the Deadbeat
Dear Beat the Deadbeat,
Your girlfriend is giving her ex several opportunities to connect with their children, rather than completely writing him off and refusing to let him see the children on the rare occasions that he shows up as promised. Some might consider that commendable. It removes any room for the accusation that she didn’t “allow” him to see his children when he wanted. Many custodial parents fear that accusation, whether it may come from their ex, their family, or their children once they become adults.
But you’re right; children don’t deserve to be repeatedly lied to by their parents, and they don’t need one of their parents to enable the empty promises the other makes.
The oldest of the children is 14, and that’s a great age to ask them to think about what is and isn’t true about their relationship with their dad. Does he show up when he says he will? How many times have they waited for him, only to be disappointed? How would they like to proceed the next time their father breaks his promise? The children’s wishes should be honored here. If there’s no formal visitation agreement in place, they’re old enough to be actively engaged in the decision-making process. As long as they want to keep extending their father grace, their mother should afford them the opportunity to do so. When they decide they’ve been gracious enough (and they will eventually come to this decision on their own), she should decline scheduling a visit their father will likely miss. The onus would then be on him to formalize a legal visitation schedule. Until he does, let the children participate in the boundary-setting process. As they grow older, the work of setting healthy boundaries with their father will fall less on you and your girlfriend and more on each of them. Now is the time to start modeling what that can look like.
—Stacia
When is it appropriate to be honest with kids about what an asshole their deadbeat dad is? My girlfriend’s ex walked out on their four kids (7, 8, 10, and 14-years-old) and has seen them once every few years since then. Not only are his visits spaced out, he’ll promise the kids he’s coming to see them a few times a year, make real, detailed plans with them, and then text my girlfriend a few hours after he’s supposed to be there that he’s not coming. The kids always get excited, ask for special outfits, make him gifts, and get their hearts broken just as badly each time. I met him briefly exactly once. He’s not exactly the kind of influence I would want in the kids’ life anyway. (There are too many examples to write here but he’s homophobic, and sexist, and just sucks), but he could at least talk to them, or acknowledge their birthdays, or at least stop messing with them.
I get that their mom can’t say how she actually feels, but every time she encourages them to get their hopes up and then makes excuses for him and assures them next time will be different. Watching these kids eagerly rearrange their lives only to be crushed, confused, and blame themselves is making me think that this is unhealthy and will lead to self-esteem issues. I don’t want them to think being manipulated is a normal, acceptable part of a relationship.
There are always a few days of behavior problems that only happen after he lets them down, and I can’t help but think this is affecting their development. They have a fantastic, solid, loving mom, and I (also a woman) have been lucky enough to be in their lives for three years, so they have examples of real adults they can depend on. But I feel like knowing how to recognize someone treating them badly is as important as seeing models of how they should be treated. Obviously they wouldn’t be responsible for setting boundaries right now, but if we started talking about his behavior for what it really is and telling the kids that they didn’t have to bend over backwards for someone who may or may not show up, wouldn’t that be a positive lesson? Or would it cause them more stress and put them in the middle, like my girlfriend thinks? I can’t stand that he gets to hurt them over and over.
—Beat the Deadbeat
Dear Beat the Deadbeat,
Your girlfriend is giving her ex several opportunities to connect with their children, rather than completely writing him off and refusing to let him see the children on the rare occasions that he shows up as promised. Some might consider that commendable. It removes any room for the accusation that she didn’t “allow” him to see his children when he wanted. Many custodial parents fear that accusation, whether it may come from their ex, their family, or their children once they become adults.
But you’re right; children don’t deserve to be repeatedly lied to by their parents, and they don’t need one of their parents to enable the empty promises the other makes.
The oldest of the children is 14, and that’s a great age to ask them to think about what is and isn’t true about their relationship with their dad. Does he show up when he says he will? How many times have they waited for him, only to be disappointed? How would they like to proceed the next time their father breaks his promise? The children’s wishes should be honored here. If there’s no formal visitation agreement in place, they’re old enough to be actively engaged in the decision-making process. As long as they want to keep extending their father grace, their mother should afford them the opportunity to do so. When they decide they’ve been gracious enough (and they will eventually come to this decision on their own), she should decline scheduling a visit their father will likely miss. The onus would then be on him to formalize a legal visitation schedule. Until he does, let the children participate in the boundary-setting process. As they grow older, the work of setting healthy boundaries with their father will fall less on you and your girlfriend and more on each of them. Now is the time to start modeling what that can look like.
—Stacia
no subject
when she was six, my niece told someone that she was spending Christmas with her father, not her family; if a six year old can tell the difference, a 14 year old surely should be able to!
no subject
I appreciate Stacia's advice here, especially that large last paragraph. Let them decide, although some advice can't hurt.
"There are always a few days of behavior problems that only happen after he lets them down, and I can’t help but think this is affecting their development."
I mean. Yes, it is. But that's the thing, is that trying to deny him access would have made it worse. Also, behavior problems after that kind of thing are standard. If you love your girlfriend, you're gonna have to learn that, and cope with it. You can't just make it all better by cutting the dude off, either.
no subject
That will at least give the kids the information that you also see what's going on, and it's not something you approve of.
Telling the kids that you do not like their father as a person should probably wait until most of them are older and only if they ask you.
no subject
This. Gotta keep it factual and remind them that he's their dad and they're allowed to feel what they feel about him, whether that's love, anger, sadness, or all of the above at the same time.
no subject
OP could also read up on intermittent reinforcement and then maybe have a workout or do some heavy housecleaning to have an outlet for the angry energy.
no subject
There's no winning.
no subject