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magidThird question in this week’s NY Times’ Social Q’s, posted because I’m flabbergasted by the guests’ question.
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
magidysobelDear Miss Manners: After several decades of typing on keyboards, I have lost my ability to write nicely by hand. My solution is to send electronic notes — for expressing appreciation, recognizing significant events, etc.
There are several lovely e-card forms available. Using them results in more timely responses, as well as significant savings over printed cards and postage.
I feel it would be nice if Miss Manners would acknowledge that electronic thank-yous are as valid as handwritten in today’s communication environment. Any thank-you is better than no thank-you at all.
Sorry, but you will have to snatch the fountain pen out of Miss Manners’ cold, lifeless hand before she agrees that electronic messages are as meaningful as handwritten ones.
She will concede, however, that any response is better than no response (has it really come to this?) as long as the sentiment itself is not computer-generated. “Thank you for the (insert present) that you gave me. It was very special and/or significant” is not fooling anyone.
As for your argument about saving money? Miss Manners highly doubts that the dozen or so letters you write annually is anywhere near the equivalent cost of the computer that you no doubt replace every few years.
[WaPo link]
There are several lovely e-card forms available. Using them results in more timely responses, as well as significant savings over printed cards and postage.
I feel it would be nice if Miss Manners would acknowledge that electronic thank-yous are as valid as handwritten in today’s communication environment. Any thank-you is better than no thank-you at all.
Sorry, but you will have to snatch the fountain pen out of Miss Manners’ cold, lifeless hand before she agrees that electronic messages are as meaningful as handwritten ones.
She will concede, however, that any response is better than no response (has it really come to this?) as long as the sentiment itself is not computer-generated. “Thank you for the (insert present) that you gave me. It was very special and/or significant” is not fooling anyone.
As for your argument about saving money? Miss Manners highly doubts that the dozen or so letters you write annually is anywhere near the equivalent cost of the computer that you no doubt replace every few years.
[WaPo link]
ysobelFrom yesterday's Miss Manners:
Dear Miss Manners: The other night, around 6 p.m., my mother-in-law came to our house without a call or text. Just randomly showed up and started talking to us in the dining room.
I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and had timed it so that I could do other things while the food was in the oven. However, that was interrupted when she came by.
After 15 minutes, I took the food out, added sauce and put it back in for an additional 5 minutes. She saw me do this, and instead of leaving since it was clearly our dinnertime, she pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down! I'm not sure how she failed to read the room.
What is the best way to let her know, without seeming rude, that she should call or text before just popping in?
MM: This was not just any guest, and the term mother-in-law carries often-unjust overtones that are irrelevant to your situation.
If your husband's mother wants to drop by unannounced and stay for dinner, and your husband is unwilling to toss her out, you are stuck. But Miss Manners does not see why this should ruin your night.
Set her a place at the table. After dinner, she can sit with the rest of the family while you go about your evening. If she is still around when the kids go to sleep, your husband can sit with her while you catch up on work — or on a good book.
Dear Miss Manners: The other night, around 6 p.m., my mother-in-law came to our house without a call or text. Just randomly showed up and started talking to us in the dining room.
I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and had timed it so that I could do other things while the food was in the oven. However, that was interrupted when she came by.
After 15 minutes, I took the food out, added sauce and put it back in for an additional 5 minutes. She saw me do this, and instead of leaving since it was clearly our dinnertime, she pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down! I'm not sure how she failed to read the room.
What is the best way to let her know, without seeming rude, that she should call or text before just popping in?
MM: This was not just any guest, and the term mother-in-law carries often-unjust overtones that are irrelevant to your situation.
If your husband's mother wants to drop by unannounced and stay for dinner, and your husband is unwilling to toss her out, you are stuck. But Miss Manners does not see why this should ruin your night.
Set her a place at the table. After dinner, she can sit with the rest of the family while you go about your evening. If she is still around when the kids go to sleep, your husband can sit with her while you catch up on work — or on a good book.
michelel72Dear Miss Manners: I sent out a dinner invitation to my in-laws. My brother-in-law called my husband to confirm attendance. He added that he will be bringing his boyfriend, and will require certain food accommodations because the boyfriend was just discharged from the hospital a couple of days ago after a major organ transplant surgery.
I decided to cancel the dinner, telling my husband that it is rude and entitled to inconvenience your host. If one is that delicate that he needs special treatment, then he should stay home. My husband says I’m being too sensitive and should just ignore the request. What does Miss Manners think?
That someone should be checking in on the boyfriend who just had a major organ transplant?!
Miss Manners has sympathy for the rampant abuse of hosts when it comes to inviting extra people and dictating menus. But she does not cancel dinners over them — and not for legitimate excuses such as bringing an established partner and asking to accommodate his post-hospitalization diet.
Not only are you being too sensitive, you are being actively insensitive. But you may take comfort in knowing that your husband's idea to ignore the (likely) medically necessary dietary request may actually be worse.
(Gift link to the full column)
I decided to cancel the dinner, telling my husband that it is rude and entitled to inconvenience your host. If one is that delicate that he needs special treatment, then he should stay home. My husband says I’m being too sensitive and should just ignore the request. What does Miss Manners think?
That someone should be checking in on the boyfriend who just had a major organ transplant?!
Miss Manners has sympathy for the rampant abuse of hosts when it comes to inviting extra people and dictating menus. But she does not cancel dinners over them — and not for legitimate excuses such as bringing an established partner and asking to accommodate his post-hospitalization diet.
Not only are you being too sensitive, you are being actively insensitive. But you may take comfort in knowing that your husband's idea to ignore the (likely) medically necessary dietary request may actually be worse.
(Gift link to the full column)
(no subject)
Jan. 16th, 2024 05:19 pmysobel[I don't agree with MM that the two are the same -- surely the equivalent of "gift reaction/thanks" is "dinner reaction/thanks"?]
Dear Miss Manners: I must admit I’ve never understood etiquette’s requirement to invite people to one’s home after being invited to theirs. When my spouse and I host, we feel that it’s our idea — nobody asked us to make a dinner and invite the group. We enjoy cooking and spending time with everyone.
Is it not improper for hosts to expect that they will be “repaid” with invitations from their guests?
Your statement is akin to the frequently argued one that people should give presents because they really want to, and therefore responses from the recipients are unnecessary. So only selfish people feel the need for positive reactions from those they entertain or send presents.
Evidently, you do not care whether the presents were successful, or if your guests liked you enough to initiate seeing you again. Most of us do. Miss Manners can think of hardly anyone — or even any business — not wishing, if not clamoring, for “likes” and feedback.
However, reciprocating hospitality does not necessarily involve duplicating the original scenario — what you characterize as repayment in kind. People entertain in different ways, and an invitation to a picnic or a bistro would be full reciprocation for a formal dinner.
What is important is what it says: “We were not just looking for a free night out. We enjoyed ourselves and want to see you again.”
Dear Miss Manners: I must admit I’ve never understood etiquette’s requirement to invite people to one’s home after being invited to theirs. When my spouse and I host, we feel that it’s our idea — nobody asked us to make a dinner and invite the group. We enjoy cooking and spending time with everyone.
Is it not improper for hosts to expect that they will be “repaid” with invitations from their guests?
Your statement is akin to the frequently argued one that people should give presents because they really want to, and therefore responses from the recipients are unnecessary. So only selfish people feel the need for positive reactions from those they entertain or send presents.
Evidently, you do not care whether the presents were successful, or if your guests liked you enough to initiate seeing you again. Most of us do. Miss Manners can think of hardly anyone — or even any business — not wishing, if not clamoring, for “likes” and feedback.
However, reciprocating hospitality does not necessarily involve duplicating the original scenario — what you characterize as repayment in kind. People entertain in different ways, and an invitation to a picnic or a bistro would be full reciprocation for a formal dinner.
What is important is what it says: “We were not just looking for a free night out. We enjoyed ourselves and want to see you again.”
ceretaDear Miss Manners: When texting or emailing friends or clients, I often start off with “Good morning” or “How are you?” and end with “Have a great day.”
I always get short, right-to-the-point answers back, like “Okay,” and they don’t usually start with “Good morning” or end with “Have a good day.” So sometimes, I sarcastically reply “Good morning to me, too,” which I know people don’t like.
Am I too sensitive? I am old school and I just think people are being rude. They can say a little more than “Be there” or something like that. Maybe my expectations are too high and I won’t expect as much anymore.
Miss Manners: An excess of sensitivity would not be the diagnosis from Miss Manners after you admitted to the sarcastic barb. In the hope of preventing the next one, let her point out that different methods of communication carry with them different expectations about brevity.
While she agrees it would be unmannerly not to say hello to someone to whom you have just been introduced in a social setting, she would prefer to dispense with the prelude when warning someone about a fast-approaching car. Texts fall somewhere in between.
I always get short, right-to-the-point answers back, like “Okay,” and they don’t usually start with “Good morning” or end with “Have a good day.” So sometimes, I sarcastically reply “Good morning to me, too,” which I know people don’t like.
Am I too sensitive? I am old school and I just think people are being rude. They can say a little more than “Be there” or something like that. Maybe my expectations are too high and I won’t expect as much anymore.
Miss Manners: An excess of sensitivity would not be the diagnosis from Miss Manners after you admitted to the sarcastic barb. In the hope of preventing the next one, let her point out that different methods of communication carry with them different expectations about brevity.
While she agrees it would be unmannerly not to say hello to someone to whom you have just been introduced in a social setting, she would prefer to dispense with the prelude when warning someone about a fast-approaching car. Texts fall somewhere in between.
livAn advice column we haven't seen much yet. Kai Cheng Thom at Xtra: (the actual title is an essay so I abbreviated it) I I sent some (fully dressed) selfies to a prospective date and they blocked me. What am I missing?"
( CN: mention of transphobia, mention of sexual harassment. Also long answer is long. )
( CN: mention of transphobia, mention of sexual harassment. Also long answer is long. )
lemonsharksDEAR ABBY: What is proper etiquette when attending an event and sitting at a table with more than six people? I think it’s rude to talk to a person across the table.
Talking to a person next to you is acceptable. Talking to someone across the table is rude because the other diners must stop talking to the person seated next to them and be forced to listen to your conversation.
Seeing this happen is becoming more and more annoying. What do you think?
- FORCED TO LISTEN
DEAR FORCED: While that rule of etiquette may have been true in Edwardian times, table etiquette today is no longer so rigid. While, of course, it is desirable to converse with the guests seated next to you, unless communicating with someone across the table requires one to shout — which would be distracting and disruptive — I see nothing rude about it.
Talking to a person next to you is acceptable. Talking to someone across the table is rude because the other diners must stop talking to the person seated next to them and be forced to listen to your conversation.
Seeing this happen is becoming more and more annoying. What do you think?
- FORCED TO LISTEN
DEAR FORCED: While that rule of etiquette may have been true in Edwardian times, table etiquette today is no longer so rigid. While, of course, it is desirable to converse with the guests seated next to you, unless communicating with someone across the table requires one to shout — which would be distracting and disruptive — I see nothing rude about it.
Miss Manners: Restaurants and Birthdays
Jun. 15th, 2022 11:17 amceretaDear Miss Manners: My wife and I went to a restaurant on my birthday. A sign at the door advertised a special reward when paying the bill if you were dining on your birthday. So, I mentioned to the waitress that it was my birthday, in anticipation of the reward.
When it came time to order dessert, the waitress brought a large dessert of the restaurant's choosing to my table with a showy sparkler stuck into it.
I was appalled. This was not a dessert that I could share with my wife, as she didn't like it, and I was hugely embarrassed as I do not make a big deal out of my birthday. Now everybody in the restaurant knew it was my birthday.
I didn't want to hurt the feelings of the waitress, so I feigned delight and ate the dessert. I really wanted to share a dessert with my wife, but because of the actions of the waitress, I was cheated out of this opportunity and I'm not very happy about it.
How should I have handled the situation better? Should I have sent the unexpected dessert back and ordered what we really wanted? And why do people do stuff like this on birthdays without asking the celebrant first if it's what they really want?
Miss Manners: People generally do not do things like this, but companies do. And no matter how many times the restaurant assures you that they are all about people, or people are their business, or people come first — what they are doing is running a business.
Miss Manners does not object to this; in fact, she is sympathetic. She mentions it to explain her lack of surprise that a restaurant that no doubt prides itself on “tailoring their service to your every need” in fact establishes rigid policies for their employees that do not always fit a given situation.
Someone in the head office thought it would be nice to do something special for the birthday boy or girl. They told someone, who told someone, who told the staff. You ordered the special reward, and out it came. A more astute waitperson would indeed have noticed that you had not ordered your dinner from the children’s menu, and may have been able to adjust the reward accordingly. But as it was free, Miss Manners agrees with your accepting it with reasonable grace — and not asking about the free pony ride.
When it came time to order dessert, the waitress brought a large dessert of the restaurant's choosing to my table with a showy sparkler stuck into it.
I was appalled. This was not a dessert that I could share with my wife, as she didn't like it, and I was hugely embarrassed as I do not make a big deal out of my birthday. Now everybody in the restaurant knew it was my birthday.
I didn't want to hurt the feelings of the waitress, so I feigned delight and ate the dessert. I really wanted to share a dessert with my wife, but because of the actions of the waitress, I was cheated out of this opportunity and I'm not very happy about it.
How should I have handled the situation better? Should I have sent the unexpected dessert back and ordered what we really wanted? And why do people do stuff like this on birthdays without asking the celebrant first if it's what they really want?
Miss Manners: People generally do not do things like this, but companies do. And no matter how many times the restaurant assures you that they are all about people, or people are their business, or people come first — what they are doing is running a business.
Miss Manners does not object to this; in fact, she is sympathetic. She mentions it to explain her lack of surprise that a restaurant that no doubt prides itself on “tailoring their service to your every need” in fact establishes rigid policies for their employees that do not always fit a given situation.
Someone in the head office thought it would be nice to do something special for the birthday boy or girl. They told someone, who told someone, who told the staff. You ordered the special reward, and out it came. A more astute waitperson would indeed have noticed that you had not ordered your dinner from the children’s menu, and may have been able to adjust the reward accordingly. But as it was free, Miss Manners agrees with your accepting it with reasonable grace — and not asking about the free pony ride.
Carolyn Hax: more shower stuff
Jun. 15th, 2022 11:05 amceretaHi, Carolyn:
When I heard my niece was getting married, I decided to host a wedding shower for her. My mother has been ill, uses a wheelchair and may not be able to travel to the wedding. I thought it would be nice to have the party in my mom’s condo clubhouse so she could just wheel herself there. I planned a sit-down lunch, since it is difficult for her to talk to people who are standing up.
Due to the limited space, the guest list was quite small. It was approved by the bride and the bride's mom. I made the unfortunate decision to not invite cousins because there are so many of them.
When three of the guests asked me if they could bring their daughters — the bride's cousins — I said no.
Now none of the other side of the family will be attending. Everyone is mad at me, including my sister, the bride’s mom. While I set out to do something nice, I have instead caused a huge rift between the families. Is there anything I can do now to fix this?
— Party-Planning Failure
Party-Planning Failure: You are not a party-planning failure!
You are a party-defining failure. A party-explaining failure, at worst. Meaning, you failed to articulate this wasn’t meant to be THE shower, merely A shower, a small one, to allow your mother possibly her only chance to celebrate with her granddaughter. And maybe if you had communicated that effectively, then someone else in the bride’s orbit could have stepped in to plan a second, more inclusive event — protecting the tender thoughtfulness of your luncheon.
But here's the problem with leaving it at that: The three people who called to get their daughters included, which was a manners failure from the start, and then took “no” for an answer by pitching a classless, intergenerational, party-boycotting hissy fit? They're the true failures here, the ones first in line for correcting. (Your sister is behind them, for initially backing your plan and then withdrawing her support, it seems, when she saw it was unpopular.) All any of them had to do was show up as invited instead of trying to re-engineer someone else's party into one they liked better.
Even if we're talking about a super-tight family in which both excluding cousins and shutting up about it were absolutely unheard of, then there was still a better way: a discreet, open-minded inquiry into your reasoning for the abridged guest list, followed by, “Oh, I get it, I'm so sorry I doubted you,” and maybe — just maybe — an offer of a second event.
But here we are.
Because you're not the bride, existing instead a couple of circles out from the decision-making center, it's not for you to decide unilaterally how to fix this — assuming it's even fixable. The bride and your sister might just want this behind them so the embers can start to cool.
Do ask them, though, if they would like you to address a letter to all affected parties. Something like: “In planning the shower, I regret not making clear that my intentions were only to host a tiny event that would allow Mom to celebrate without feeling overwhelmed. The failure to communicate that is on me. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause a distraction for the bride at this exciting time. Thank you for reading this and I look forward to celebrating with everyone soon.”
Even the boycotters, if they deign to get over themselves.
When I heard my niece was getting married, I decided to host a wedding shower for her. My mother has been ill, uses a wheelchair and may not be able to travel to the wedding. I thought it would be nice to have the party in my mom’s condo clubhouse so she could just wheel herself there. I planned a sit-down lunch, since it is difficult for her to talk to people who are standing up.
Due to the limited space, the guest list was quite small. It was approved by the bride and the bride's mom. I made the unfortunate decision to not invite cousins because there are so many of them.
When three of the guests asked me if they could bring their daughters — the bride's cousins — I said no.
Now none of the other side of the family will be attending. Everyone is mad at me, including my sister, the bride’s mom. While I set out to do something nice, I have instead caused a huge rift between the families. Is there anything I can do now to fix this?
— Party-Planning Failure
Party-Planning Failure: You are not a party-planning failure!
You are a party-defining failure. A party-explaining failure, at worst. Meaning, you failed to articulate this wasn’t meant to be THE shower, merely A shower, a small one, to allow your mother possibly her only chance to celebrate with her granddaughter. And maybe if you had communicated that effectively, then someone else in the bride’s orbit could have stepped in to plan a second, more inclusive event — protecting the tender thoughtfulness of your luncheon.
But here's the problem with leaving it at that: The three people who called to get their daughters included, which was a manners failure from the start, and then took “no” for an answer by pitching a classless, intergenerational, party-boycotting hissy fit? They're the true failures here, the ones first in line for correcting. (Your sister is behind them, for initially backing your plan and then withdrawing her support, it seems, when she saw it was unpopular.) All any of them had to do was show up as invited instead of trying to re-engineer someone else's party into one they liked better.
Even if we're talking about a super-tight family in which both excluding cousins and shutting up about it were absolutely unheard of, then there was still a better way: a discreet, open-minded inquiry into your reasoning for the abridged guest list, followed by, “Oh, I get it, I'm so sorry I doubted you,” and maybe — just maybe — an offer of a second event.
But here we are.
Because you're not the bride, existing instead a couple of circles out from the decision-making center, it's not for you to decide unilaterally how to fix this — assuming it's even fixable. The bride and your sister might just want this behind them so the embers can start to cool.
Do ask them, though, if they would like you to address a letter to all affected parties. Something like: “In planning the shower, I regret not making clear that my intentions were only to host a tiny event that would allow Mom to celebrate without feeling overwhelmed. The failure to communicate that is on me. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause a distraction for the bride at this exciting time. Thank you for reading this and I look forward to celebrating with everyone soon.”
Even the boycotters, if they deign to get over themselves.
Ask Amy: ever more entitled dog people
Jan. 29th, 2022 10:29 amlemonsharksDear Amy: We are starting to have trouble with family members who are dog-lovers.
( rude and thoughtless dog-lovers with poorly trained and dangerous animals )
( rude and thoughtless dog-lovers with poorly trained and dangerous animals )
Traditional manners and male deference
May. 13th, 2020 10:40 pmgreen_grrlDear Amy: Women today have been empowered to act and speak out against sexual harassment, bullying, rape, etc. This is a major milestone.
However, over the past few years I have observed the lack of traditional manners toward women by men. I notice husbands and male partners pushing through doors before their wives and dates (instead of holding doors open). I see them seating themselves in restaurants before their dates and wives have been seated.
Along with the gains that women have made, have they also lost the benefit of traditional manners and male deference?
— Wondering
( Response )
However, over the past few years I have observed the lack of traditional manners toward women by men. I notice husbands and male partners pushing through doors before their wives and dates (instead of holding doors open). I see them seating themselves in restaurants before their dates and wives have been seated.
Along with the gains that women have made, have they also lost the benefit of traditional manners and male deference?
— Wondering
( Response )
ceretaDEAR HARRIETTE: One of my former employees got married a month ago. I was unable to attend because I had to work. Another is getting married in the fall, and once again I am not available for the bridal shower. The day conflicts with a previously scheduled trip for my daughter’s school. I feel bad that I cannot be there for these young women who thought enough of me to invite me to participate in this important moment in their lives. How can I make it up to them? I want them to know how much I care about them and how happy I am for this next step in their lives. -- Missing the Celebration, Denver
DEAR MISSING THE CELEBRATION: Congratulations to your former employees, who are about to take that next great step in life. And congratulations to you for being such a role model that they thought to include you in their ceremonies.
Start by offering your love to your former employees, and let them know how sorry you are that you will not be able to join them. Immediately offer to celebrate with each couple after the wedding. Invite them to dinner or another private gathering where you get to interact personally. At this event, you can present them with a wedding present, or you may want to buy something through their registry and send that ahead.
DEAR MISSING THE CELEBRATION: Congratulations to your former employees, who are about to take that next great step in life. And congratulations to you for being such a role model that they thought to include you in their ceremonies.
Start by offering your love to your former employees, and let them know how sorry you are that you will not be able to join them. Immediately offer to celebrate with each couple after the wedding. Invite them to dinner or another private gathering where you get to interact personally. At this event, you can present them with a wedding present, or you may want to buy something through their registry and send that ahead.
ceretaDear Annie: A man who extends his hand demanding a handshake is presumptuous and arrogant. Handshaking is unsanitary and disgusting, in my opinion. Any gentleman with any intelligence should know how abhorrent it is to most ladies. Especially repulsive are workmen who have dirty hands or workers in a position of servitude. They seem to have the opinion that they are offering a gesture of friendliness rather than committing an act generally rebuffed in contempt of such poor manners.
To express my displeasure, I withdraw away from the ignoramus and will retaliate by not doing business with him. Gentlemen should know better than to extend their hand to a lady.
Please print my letter so that people who have this gross habit might understand that it is not met with the approval they seem to expect. They do themselves a grave disfavor in most instances. Being a lady, I'm a devout hater of handshakes! -- Handshake Hater
Dear Handshake Hater: Lady, the one with poor manners is you. I can't for the life of me understand why you'd show such scorn for a gesture that is meant -- even by your own acknowledgment -- to show friendliness. If you're that afraid of the germs, wash your hands more often or keep some hand sanitizer handy. Negativity poses its own health risks, by the way, so shake that attitude.
To express my displeasure, I withdraw away from the ignoramus and will retaliate by not doing business with him. Gentlemen should know better than to extend their hand to a lady.
Please print my letter so that people who have this gross habit might understand that it is not met with the approval they seem to expect. They do themselves a grave disfavor in most instances. Being a lady, I'm a devout hater of handshakes! -- Handshake Hater
Dear Handshake Hater: Lady, the one with poor manners is you. I can't for the life of me understand why you'd show such scorn for a gesture that is meant -- even by your own acknowledgment -- to show friendliness. If you're that afraid of the germs, wash your hands more often or keep some hand sanitizer handy. Negativity poses its own health risks, by the way, so shake that attitude.
Dear Prudence: Plus one
Jul. 18th, 2018 05:49 amcereta Q. Wedding +1: I can’t believe I’m asking this question, but I’ve become super-duper anxious all of a sudden. I was invited to a wedding of a longtime, but not close, friend. I was given a plus one, which just says “guest.” I want to bring a friend, one whom the couple has met a few times. The couple has no idea whether I’m dating anyone, they don’t know my orientation, and they gave me a plus one anyway. The internet seems dead set against bringing anyone other than a date, but I can’t imagine that these people, who are queer-friendly, are super into conventional, couple-centric etiquette. So, can I bring my friend? Should I calm down?
A: If I count as part of the internet, then it certainly isn’t all dead set against bringing anyone besides a romantic Interest as a plus one to a wedding. You’ve been given a plus one and get to use it as you see fit. (Does the internet think that if you’re not in a romantic relationship, you should return your plus one to the happy couple and arrive stag? What’s going on with the internet today?) Bring your friend and have a great time.
Follow Up:
Q. Re: Wedding +1: It is unbelievably rude to bring a friend to a wedding. This really is for dates only. A wedding is not about you. It is about a couple. It is one thing to come with your boyfriend or girlfriend, but another to impose on them a random friend they have not invited and now have to pay for. (A wedding dinner’s cost per head is expensive.) If the letter writer is not close enough that the couple doesn’t even know whether she is queer, to do that is just outrageous.
A: Why on earth would it be rude to bring a friend to a wedding? In what way is bringing a guest when an invitation specifies that one can bring a guest making someone else’s wedding “about you”? I agree that it would be rude, inconvenient, and financially burdensome to bring a guest when an invitation doesn’t specify a plus one, but I’m not at all clear on why you think this is so outrageous.
A: If I count as part of the internet, then it certainly isn’t all dead set against bringing anyone besides a romantic Interest as a plus one to a wedding. You’ve been given a plus one and get to use it as you see fit. (Does the internet think that if you’re not in a romantic relationship, you should return your plus one to the happy couple and arrive stag? What’s going on with the internet today?) Bring your friend and have a great time.
Follow Up:
Q. Re: Wedding +1: It is unbelievably rude to bring a friend to a wedding. This really is for dates only. A wedding is not about you. It is about a couple. It is one thing to come with your boyfriend or girlfriend, but another to impose on them a random friend they have not invited and now have to pay for. (A wedding dinner’s cost per head is expensive.) If the letter writer is not close enough that the couple doesn’t even know whether she is queer, to do that is just outrageous.
A: Why on earth would it be rude to bring a friend to a wedding? In what way is bringing a guest when an invitation specifies that one can bring a guest making someone else’s wedding “about you”? I agree that it would be rude, inconvenient, and financially burdensome to bring a guest when an invitation doesn’t specify a plus one, but I’m not at all clear on why you think this is so outrageous.
Ask Natalie
Apr. 7th, 2018 09:46 amceretaDEAR NATALIE: I've noticed that when I buy something at any store, the cashier rarely says "thank you" after handing me my change and my bag. I find myself saying "thank you" to them. But, shouldn't they be thanking me? I have stopped saying it, and I wait for them to and they rarely do. What do you think? It seems as if no one is friendly anymore. Is it worth mentioning to the manager? -- Thanks for Nothing
DEAR THANKS FOR NOTHING: A world without "please" and "thank you" does not sound like a nice world to live in. And yet, I notice that people say those words less and less. It's a shame. You know what else is a shame? When you let someone cut in during the rush hour traffic or let them make a turn at the light ahead of you and they don't so much as nod in your direction. Socially, we are distracted and isolated from each other. We are too busy looking at our phones for people who aren't in front of us and fail to put any time and energy into those we encounter face to face every day. If it makes you feel better, mention it to the manager and continue to be friendly. Don't let others stop you from being the polite person you are.
DEAR THANKS FOR NOTHING: A world without "please" and "thank you" does not sound like a nice world to live in. And yet, I notice that people say those words less and less. It's a shame. You know what else is a shame? When you let someone cut in during the rush hour traffic or let them make a turn at the light ahead of you and they don't so much as nod in your direction. Socially, we are distracted and isolated from each other. We are too busy looking at our phones for people who aren't in front of us and fail to put any time and energy into those we encounter face to face every day. If it makes you feel better, mention it to the manager and continue to be friendly. Don't let others stop you from being the polite person you are.
ceretaThe following is a rerun from 2015.
Dear Amy: I recently started working for a new company in a pretty heavily male-dominated field.
On certain emails sent to large groups of co-workers, I've noticed that my colleagues address the email to "Gentlemen."
There are clearly at least two females cc'd on most of these emails.
I feel as though the emails are not addressed to me with this greeting; I believe that it is old-fashioned and offensive. Do you have thoughts on how to address this -- without ruffling feathers or coming off the wrong way?
-- No Gentleman
Dear No: When composing a professional group email, the writer needs to imagine the intended recipients gathered together in a conference room.
It is not professional (or polite) to address a group of colleagues -- where at least one is a woman -- as "Gentlemen."
One option for you now is to compose a group email addressed to your colleagues with the salutation: "Ladies."
Ah, but you and I know that you probably cannot do this.
Alternatively, perhaps you could send out a group email to your work group with the subject line, "A Quick Suggestion."
In the body of the email you could write: "It would be helpful (certainly to me) if we could address emails to our working group as 'Colleagues' or a similar gender-neutral term. I don't speak for the other women in our group, but when I am included on emails addressed to 'Gentlemen,' I'm sometimes unsure if they are intended for me."
If you are not willing to do this -- or are unable to -- because of your position, you could ask your supervisor or HR representative for suggestions on how to handle this salutation situation. This is not the biggest (or the most sexist) issue you will encounter, but you should react honestly.
Dear Amy: I recently started working for a new company in a pretty heavily male-dominated field.
On certain emails sent to large groups of co-workers, I've noticed that my colleagues address the email to "Gentlemen."
There are clearly at least two females cc'd on most of these emails.
I feel as though the emails are not addressed to me with this greeting; I believe that it is old-fashioned and offensive. Do you have thoughts on how to address this -- without ruffling feathers or coming off the wrong way?
-- No Gentleman
Dear No: When composing a professional group email, the writer needs to imagine the intended recipients gathered together in a conference room.
It is not professional (or polite) to address a group of colleagues -- where at least one is a woman -- as "Gentlemen."
One option for you now is to compose a group email addressed to your colleagues with the salutation: "Ladies."
Ah, but you and I know that you probably cannot do this.
Alternatively, perhaps you could send out a group email to your work group with the subject line, "A Quick Suggestion."
In the body of the email you could write: "It would be helpful (certainly to me) if we could address emails to our working group as 'Colleagues' or a similar gender-neutral term. I don't speak for the other women in our group, but when I am included on emails addressed to 'Gentlemen,' I'm sometimes unsure if they are intended for me."
If you are not willing to do this -- or are unable to -- because of your position, you could ask your supervisor or HR representative for suggestions on how to handle this salutation situation. This is not the biggest (or the most sexist) issue you will encounter, but you should react honestly.
Dear Annie: Another Thank You Note Letter
Mar. 24th, 2018 04:54 pmceretaDear Annie: Recently, I attended the funeral of a lady at my church, whom I didn't know very well; but when I read her obituary in the newspaper and found that she had sung in the choir in her younger days, I made a donation to the church's choir fund. Afterwards I received a thank-you note from her daughter and her husband (who only signed the card from "Bob" and "Cindy," even though I don't know them), saying, "Thank you for the memorial gift". It would have been much nicer if she had said something like, "Thank you for the memorial gift to the church's choir fund in my mother's memory." The same kind of thing applies to bridal couples who send out thank-yous for wedding presents. I hope that you will share this advice with the rest of your readers. -- Memorial Gift Forgotten
Dear Memorial Gift Forgotten: I've received and printed many letters about thank-you notes, and I thought I was done with the subject for a while. But I wanted to address this one, because it's a special case. Yes, thank-yous for wedding gifts are a must, but memorial gifts are different. This is one situation in which it's completely understandable for someone not to send a thank-you.
Memorial gifts are meant not only to commemorate the dead but also to comfort the grieving. If the bereaved forget to thank you for the comfort you've offered, or if they thank you in the "wrong" way, forgive them. Grief has a way of being distracting. Your gesture was kind. Don't tarnish it with unmet expectations.
Dear Memorial Gift Forgotten: I've received and printed many letters about thank-you notes, and I thought I was done with the subject for a while. But I wanted to address this one, because it's a special case. Yes, thank-yous for wedding gifts are a must, but memorial gifts are different. This is one situation in which it's completely understandable for someone not to send a thank-you.
Memorial gifts are meant not only to commemorate the dead but also to comfort the grieving. If the bereaved forget to thank you for the comfort you've offered, or if they thank you in the "wrong" way, forgive them. Grief has a way of being distracting. Your gesture was kind. Don't tarnish it with unmet expectations.
Ask Natalie: Adults-Only Invitation
Jan. 26th, 2018 10:28 amceretaDEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are fairly young, and we have many close friends who have children. We still get together with these friends regularly, and most of the time their children are also welcome. We love their kids, and some of the children are practically like nieces and nephews to us! But occasionally an event will pop up that is simply not appropriate for children.
For example, my husband and I recently had a party at our house, and we invited close to 40 people. We knew it would be crowded and not the type of party for children, however we struggled with how to communicate this to our friends. Our friends always just assume their kids are invited. We don't want to outright say, "Your children aren't invited and you need to pay for a sitter," but we don't know what the alternative is. Any advice would be appreciated. -- ADULTS ONLY
DEAR ADULTS ONLY: I love kids. Just so I don't get a bunch of angry emails after giving my advice, I repeat: I love kids! However, I don't love kids at cocktail parties. Or any event after 6 p.m. that doesn't involve them directly. Your friends chose to have children, and I think it is fabulous that you are close to their kids. However, it is unrealistic for your friends to assume that you always want to see their kids at your adult parties.
The next time you send out a Facebook invite, eblast, mass text message or formal invite, make it very clear that this is an "adults-only event." If your friends ask if they can bring their kids, be polite but firm. "As much as I love (little Shiloh or Zelda), this is just a party for the adults. I know you understand, and I hope you can make it!" Leave it there. Direct communication is the best. (But not in a "Real Housewives" wine glass-throwing-sort-of-way).
For example, my husband and I recently had a party at our house, and we invited close to 40 people. We knew it would be crowded and not the type of party for children, however we struggled with how to communicate this to our friends. Our friends always just assume their kids are invited. We don't want to outright say, "Your children aren't invited and you need to pay for a sitter," but we don't know what the alternative is. Any advice would be appreciated. -- ADULTS ONLY
DEAR ADULTS ONLY: I love kids. Just so I don't get a bunch of angry emails after giving my advice, I repeat: I love kids! However, I don't love kids at cocktail parties. Or any event after 6 p.m. that doesn't involve them directly. Your friends chose to have children, and I think it is fabulous that you are close to their kids. However, it is unrealistic for your friends to assume that you always want to see their kids at your adult parties.
The next time you send out a Facebook invite, eblast, mass text message or formal invite, make it very clear that this is an "adults-only event." If your friends ask if they can bring their kids, be polite but firm. "As much as I love (little Shiloh or Zelda), this is just a party for the adults. I know you understand, and I hope you can make it!" Leave it there. Direct communication is the best. (But not in a "Real Housewives" wine glass-throwing-sort-of-way).
ceretaDEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommates think it is OK to eat asparagus with their hands. However, I believe this looks childish and that asparagus should be eaten with a knife and fork. Is it really a finger food?
GENTLE READER: Yes, it really is. Every once in a while, etiquette likes to shock people, and this will do it.
However, as it offends you, you can invest in asparagus tongs. Miss Manners assures you that seeing what look like small silver forceps on the dinner table will produce an equal amount of shock.
GENTLE READER: Yes, it really is. Every once in a while, etiquette likes to shock people, and this will do it.
However, as it offends you, you can invest in asparagus tongs. Miss Manners assures you that seeing what look like small silver forceps on the dinner table will produce an equal amount of shock.
minoanmissThis column is great -- I have some doozies to post here next week. Meanwhile,there's more than one question in this particular one, actually. ( Read more... )
ceretaDEAR ABBY: My wife and I are expecting our first child. A friend of hers pulled me aside to ask if I had already gotten my wife a "push gift." I have never heard of this, but apparently it's supposed to be something nice, like jewelry, to celebrate the birth.
We have already been spending a lot of extra money to decorate a nursery. In addition, the delivery will be costly under our high-deductible health plan. Combined with the fact that my wife just retired from her teaching job, the expenses are starting to freak me out.
In light of this, what do you think of the idea of a push gift? Have you heard any good ideas for a low-cost but appropriate alternative? -- EXCITED FATHER-TO-BE
DEAR EXCITED: A push gift can be a piece of jewelry, your first "family vacation," a piece of electronic equipment for your wife or a piece of furniture for the nursery. Some couples prefer something less materialistic, such as help with baby care or money for the child's education.
We have already been spending a lot of extra money to decorate a nursery. In addition, the delivery will be costly under our high-deductible health plan. Combined with the fact that my wife just retired from her teaching job, the expenses are starting to freak me out.
In light of this, what do you think of the idea of a push gift? Have you heard any good ideas for a low-cost but appropriate alternative? -- EXCITED FATHER-TO-BE
DEAR EXCITED: A push gift can be a piece of jewelry, your first "family vacation," a piece of electronic equipment for your wife or a piece of furniture for the nursery. Some couples prefer something less materialistic, such as help with baby care or money for the child's education.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: The husbands of both my two daughters asked for my blessing prior to asking my girls to marry them. I felt what they did was respectful and it was very much appreciated. My wife felt the same way when I relayed the good news to her.
I believe this courtesy replaced what in the "olden days" was a request for permission from the father rather than a blessing and, in my opinion, is more appropriate. If I am correct in my assumption that "permission" has evolved to "blessing," I wonder if it would have been more appropriate for them to have asked my wife and me together for our blessing. Your thoughts? -- PROUD PAPA
DEAR PROUD PAPA: Men asked permission of fathers to marry their daughters in "olden days" because the daughters were considered property. They could not marry without their father's consent. Thankfully, those customs are long gone -- in western society, at least. Please stop second-guessing your sons-in-law, who both seem like gems to me. Many couples today forgo the courtesy altogether.
I believe this courtesy replaced what in the "olden days" was a request for permission from the father rather than a blessing and, in my opinion, is more appropriate. If I am correct in my assumption that "permission" has evolved to "blessing," I wonder if it would have been more appropriate for them to have asked my wife and me together for our blessing. Your thoughts? -- PROUD PAPA
DEAR PROUD PAPA: Men asked permission of fathers to marry their daughters in "olden days" because the daughters were considered property. They could not marry without their father's consent. Thankfully, those customs are long gone -- in western society, at least. Please stop second-guessing your sons-in-law, who both seem like gems to me. Many couples today forgo the courtesy altogether.
Miss Manners: Addressing mail
Jan. 9th, 2017 03:35 pmceretaDEAR MISS MANNERS: Almost all of the examples I now see on how to address invitations are totally different from what I was taught in school many years ago. Have the rules changed, or are young people these days making up their own etiquette rules?
I was taught that for a married couple, the correct address would be " Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Jones" and "Mr. and Mrs. Patrick White," not "Mr. Ben and Mrs. Elizabeth Jones" and "Mr. Patrick and Mrs. Taylor White." I was also taught that the male's name came first on the envelope.
Please set the record straight before too many young brides commit a faux pas and look uneducated.
GENTLE READER: Yes, some rules have legitimately changed, and yes, unauthorized people who make up their own rules are often unintentionally offensive. But come to think of it, the old standard that you cite also sends some people into a tizzy.
Miss Manners wishes everyone would just calm down.
There are couples who use the Mr. and Mrs. form you learned (the only one in which the gentleman's title comes first) and they should be so addressed. But there are others who prefer to be addressed more as individuals for various reasons, some of which are eminently sensible, although society used not to recognize them.
All that takes now is one extra line on the envelope:
Dr. Angelina Breakfront
Mr. Rock Moonley
or:
Mr. Oliver Trenchant
Mr. Liam Lotherington
or:
Ms. Norina Hartfort
Mr. Rufus Hartfort
Is that too much effort to ask?
I was taught that for a married couple, the correct address would be " Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Jones" and "Mr. and Mrs. Patrick White," not "Mr. Ben and Mrs. Elizabeth Jones" and "Mr. Patrick and Mrs. Taylor White." I was also taught that the male's name came first on the envelope.
Please set the record straight before too many young brides commit a faux pas and look uneducated.
GENTLE READER: Yes, some rules have legitimately changed, and yes, unauthorized people who make up their own rules are often unintentionally offensive. But come to think of it, the old standard that you cite also sends some people into a tizzy.
Miss Manners wishes everyone would just calm down.
There are couples who use the Mr. and Mrs. form you learned (the only one in which the gentleman's title comes first) and they should be so addressed. But there are others who prefer to be addressed more as individuals for various reasons, some of which are eminently sensible, although society used not to recognize them.
All that takes now is one extra line on the envelope:
Dr. Angelina Breakfront
Mr. Rock Moonley
or:
Mr. Oliver Trenchant
Mr. Liam Lotherington
or:
Ms. Norina Hartfort
Mr. Rufus Hartfort
Is that too much effort to ask?
ceretaDEAR ABBY: I suffer from severe seasonal allergies. I have watery eyes and sneeze during January and February every year. I went to an allergist last winter, but he couldn't do much for me.
As I struggle to get through my days as quietly as possible, every sneeze seemingly elicits a "God bless you" from some stranger. If I'm unable to acknowledge it, I often get a "Well, thank you!" or some other show of indignation.
Abby, I don't need "blessings." Calling attention to my difficulties, frankly, just annoys and embarrasses me. I am trying the best I can to be quiet and avoid disruption. Can you please ask your many readers to end this ancient, silly convention and let those of us with allergies suffer in peace? -- ATCHOO IN KANSAS CITY
DEAR ATCHOO: No. The "God bless you" convention originated in the Middle Ages. People thought that when someone sneezed the soul left the body for a minute, and would be snatched by the devil if someone didn't say "God bless you." Those who say it today may be doing it because it has become a conditioned reflex, or to be polite. Accept the kind gesture and kwitchurbitchin.
As I struggle to get through my days as quietly as possible, every sneeze seemingly elicits a "God bless you" from some stranger. If I'm unable to acknowledge it, I often get a "Well, thank you!" or some other show of indignation.
Abby, I don't need "blessings." Calling attention to my difficulties, frankly, just annoys and embarrasses me. I am trying the best I can to be quiet and avoid disruption. Can you please ask your many readers to end this ancient, silly convention and let those of us with allergies suffer in peace? -- ATCHOO IN KANSAS CITY
DEAR ATCHOO: No. The "God bless you" convention originated in the Middle Ages. People thought that when someone sneezed the soul left the body for a minute, and would be snatched by the devil if someone didn't say "God bless you." Those who say it today may be doing it because it has become a conditioned reflex, or to be polite. Accept the kind gesture and kwitchurbitchin.
ceretaDEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend is very particular about table manners. She makes a point of leaving a scattering of food on her plate at the end of a meal rather than finishing every crumb as I do.
I know it only amounts to one or two forkfuls, but having traveled extensively in very poor countries, I think this is wasteful and absurd. The plates are also harder to wash. What are your thoughts?
GENTLE READER: That she would like to be excused before someone discovers her responsibility in this matter. But that would be cowardly.
The sad truth is that a century ago, it was indeed the case that children in families that could afford it were taught not to finish everything on their plates. The embarrassing part is that the rule was phrased as "Leave something for Miss Manners" (and in England, "Leave something for Lady Manners").
So yes, while some people were starving, others were wasting food. Miss Manners was not starving, because she got all the rich folks' leftovers.
It was Eleanor Roosevelt's grandmother who repealed this rule. As recounted in Mrs. Roosevelt's "Book of Common Sense Etiquette": "My grandmother came to believe that food was needed in the world and we who had an abundance should not waste it."
Miss Manners agrees -- thoroughly and, as you might notice, selflessly.
I know it only amounts to one or two forkfuls, but having traveled extensively in very poor countries, I think this is wasteful and absurd. The plates are also harder to wash. What are your thoughts?
GENTLE READER: That she would like to be excused before someone discovers her responsibility in this matter. But that would be cowardly.
The sad truth is that a century ago, it was indeed the case that children in families that could afford it were taught not to finish everything on their plates. The embarrassing part is that the rule was phrased as "Leave something for Miss Manners" (and in England, "Leave something for Lady Manners").
So yes, while some people were starving, others were wasting food. Miss Manners was not starving, because she got all the rich folks' leftovers.
It was Eleanor Roosevelt's grandmother who repealed this rule. As recounted in Mrs. Roosevelt's "Book of Common Sense Etiquette": "My grandmother came to believe that food was needed in the world and we who had an abundance should not waste it."
Miss Manners agrees -- thoroughly and, as you might notice, selflessly.
Dear Abby: Gift-giving reciprocity
Jul. 3rd, 2016 10:59 amceretaDEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two kids under the age of 2. Our close friends "John and Jane" also have two kids under 2.
We recently invited them to our oldest daughter's birthday party. When they arrived, Jane informed me they hadn't had time to shop for a gift and that they "owed us one." I brushed it off and said I was just happy they came.
Well, now it's their older daughter's birthday. We are invited and I'm confused. Do we still buy her a gift? We want to go, but we feel ripped off because our daughter received nothing. Would it be rude to attend the party without buying their daughter a gift? -- RIPPED OFF IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR RIPPED OFF: Yes, it would. You say these are close friends. John and Jane may not have followed up with a gift for your daughter because you told them you were "just happy they came," so don't hold it against them. If this happened repeatedly, my advice might be different, but this may simply have been an oversight.
We recently invited them to our oldest daughter's birthday party. When they arrived, Jane informed me they hadn't had time to shop for a gift and that they "owed us one." I brushed it off and said I was just happy they came.
Well, now it's their older daughter's birthday. We are invited and I'm confused. Do we still buy her a gift? We want to go, but we feel ripped off because our daughter received nothing. Would it be rude to attend the party without buying their daughter a gift? -- RIPPED OFF IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR RIPPED OFF: Yes, it would. You say these are close friends. John and Jane may not have followed up with a gift for your daughter because you told them you were "just happy they came," so don't hold it against them. If this happened repeatedly, my advice might be different, but this may simply have been an oversight.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: My wife and I are friends with a couple we have known for many years. When the four of us eat together, it's obvious to me that the husband directs the conversation toward my wife. Even when the topic is general in nature, his eye contact is with her to the point where it makes me uncomfortable. On a cruise last year, when we ate together regularly, I intentionally sat across from him and, sure enough, he talked diagonally across the table to my wife.
I have always made a conscious effort in mixed company to direct the majority of my conversation toward my male counterpart and not his wife. I feel that it's more appropriate. I really don't think there is any threat from him, maybe just bad manners on his part. How should I handle this? Should I ignore it, or make him aware of it? -- BOTHERED BY IT IN ALABAMA
DEAR BOTHERED: If there is a rule of etiquette covering this, I have never heard of it. You have two choices -- continue to ignore it and let it bother you, or ask him why he does it. He may be doing it unconsciously because he finds your wife to be an interesting conversationalist.
I have always made a conscious effort in mixed company to direct the majority of my conversation toward my male counterpart and not his wife. I feel that it's more appropriate. I really don't think there is any threat from him, maybe just bad manners on his part. How should I handle this? Should I ignore it, or make him aware of it? -- BOTHERED BY IT IN ALABAMA
DEAR BOTHERED: If there is a rule of etiquette covering this, I have never heard of it. You have two choices -- continue to ignore it and let it bother you, or ask him why he does it. He may be doing it unconsciously because he finds your wife to be an interesting conversationalist.
ceretaDear Carolyn:
My household received a written invitation to a birthday party for a 1-year-old. It reads, “Not every child is lucky enough to have a birthday party like A. In lieu of a gift, we are asking that you consider making a donation (of cash) to a nonprofit that claims to ‘help poor children.’ ”
What are they trying to say? That their child doesn’t deserve gifts because she’s “too rich”? Logically, does the child even “deserve” a party in the parents’ belief system?
Are the parents (middle-class liberals) having some sort of contest with their neighbors to show who’s the most enlightened, sophisticated liberal — class warfare? No gifts for A in the class struggle?
I looked into the nonprofit mentioned — the director pays herself well out of the “donations.”
I told someone the parents should turn off the leftist TV channel they watch because it’s causing them mind rot — denying their toddler presents. Your thoughts?
— Pittsburgh
Dear Pittsburgh: Thanks for the proof that people who want to get their knickers bunched will find reasons to in just about anything.
Are these parents playing by the etiquette book? No, because using the invitation to direct your guests’ gift-giving behavior is a well-established “Don’t.”
It is, however, a matter of degrees. These parents aren’t ordering you to bring them cash because they don’t want whatever you pick out. Instead, they are acknowledging their child was born into a life of plenty whereas many babies are not, and (if I may project a bit) are using this opportunity of a birthday when the kid is way too young to understand what a birthday is — much less notice or care what people bring — to do something decent for needy families.
Again, is it strictly proper for them to recruit their guests as do-gooding proxies? No. Is it sanctimonious? Certainly possible. But at least at the end of their faux-pas rainbow, some needy families get diapers and a few guests are spared from figuring out what to bring.
What’s at the end of your angry rainbow? Hosts who are blessed with your complaining about them behind their backs, by your own admission (that’s not in the etiquette books, either), and showering contempt on their beliefs in general and their attempt at generosity in particular. Within five paragraphs of self-congratulation you manage to deride them as liberals, leftists and class warriors who are — you outdo yourself here, putting words in their mouths — “denying their toddler presents” because she “doesn’t deserve gifts.”
How about doesn’t need gifts and won’t even notice their absence? An ideal gift for a 1-year-old is a chance to make a racket with your pots and pans. And since when is it wrong to value presence over presents? It’s not unheard of for children themselves to agree to, even spearhead, parties that serve as charity drives and not gift grabs.
There’s also this: When a party is for a child too young to understand birthdays, it’s safe to assume it’s just an excuse for the parents to welcome in the village. Many such hosts are very concerned their invite-the-village impulse will be mistaken for an excuse to collect gifts, and so reach for ways to discourage them. Ironic, isn’t it.
As a villager who apparently thinks your untouchable authority-given right to buy stuff is being trampled, and who apparently doesn’t think much of these parents, I suggest you politely decline the invitation.
Whether you accept the invitation or not, please do — if you can keep the relish out of your voice — notify the hosts of any published record of impropriety in their charity’s use of donations. That’s a kindness no matter what color onesies your politics wear.
My household received a written invitation to a birthday party for a 1-year-old. It reads, “Not every child is lucky enough to have a birthday party like A. In lieu of a gift, we are asking that you consider making a donation (of cash) to a nonprofit that claims to ‘help poor children.’ ”
What are they trying to say? That their child doesn’t deserve gifts because she’s “too rich”? Logically, does the child even “deserve” a party in the parents’ belief system?
Are the parents (middle-class liberals) having some sort of contest with their neighbors to show who’s the most enlightened, sophisticated liberal — class warfare? No gifts for A in the class struggle?
I looked into the nonprofit mentioned — the director pays herself well out of the “donations.”
I told someone the parents should turn off the leftist TV channel they watch because it’s causing them mind rot — denying their toddler presents. Your thoughts?
— Pittsburgh
Dear Pittsburgh: Thanks for the proof that people who want to get their knickers bunched will find reasons to in just about anything.
Are these parents playing by the etiquette book? No, because using the invitation to direct your guests’ gift-giving behavior is a well-established “Don’t.”
It is, however, a matter of degrees. These parents aren’t ordering you to bring them cash because they don’t want whatever you pick out. Instead, they are acknowledging their child was born into a life of plenty whereas many babies are not, and (if I may project a bit) are using this opportunity of a birthday when the kid is way too young to understand what a birthday is — much less notice or care what people bring — to do something decent for needy families.
Again, is it strictly proper for them to recruit their guests as do-gooding proxies? No. Is it sanctimonious? Certainly possible. But at least at the end of their faux-pas rainbow, some needy families get diapers and a few guests are spared from figuring out what to bring.
What’s at the end of your angry rainbow? Hosts who are blessed with your complaining about them behind their backs, by your own admission (that’s not in the etiquette books, either), and showering contempt on their beliefs in general and their attempt at generosity in particular. Within five paragraphs of self-congratulation you manage to deride them as liberals, leftists and class warriors who are — you outdo yourself here, putting words in their mouths — “denying their toddler presents” because she “doesn’t deserve gifts.”
How about doesn’t need gifts and won’t even notice their absence? An ideal gift for a 1-year-old is a chance to make a racket with your pots and pans. And since when is it wrong to value presence over presents? It’s not unheard of for children themselves to agree to, even spearhead, parties that serve as charity drives and not gift grabs.
There’s also this: When a party is for a child too young to understand birthdays, it’s safe to assume it’s just an excuse for the parents to welcome in the village. Many such hosts are very concerned their invite-the-village impulse will be mistaken for an excuse to collect gifts, and so reach for ways to discourage them. Ironic, isn’t it.
As a villager who apparently thinks your untouchable authority-given right to buy stuff is being trampled, and who apparently doesn’t think much of these parents, I suggest you politely decline the invitation.
Whether you accept the invitation or not, please do — if you can keep the relish out of your voice — notify the hosts of any published record of impropriety in their charity’s use of donations. That’s a kindness no matter what color onesies your politics wear.
Dear Abby: Something Borrowed
Aug. 28th, 2015 09:18 amceretaDEAR ABBY: Can you please help me understand the rule of etiquette when borrowing a wedding dress? The owner was fully aware that the bride intended to alter it. It was obvious that it would need to be made several sizes smaller and shortened. Also, the bride stated clearly that she intended to lower the neckline and remove the sleeves. Everyone seemed happy the gown was being used again after 25 years of being in a box.
After the wedding, the dress was professionally cleaned, boxed and returned to the owner. She is now livid and contends that the dress should have been returned in its original state -- just like it was loaned.
I'd appreciate your help settling this family dispute. How should this work? -- BORROWING TROUBLE IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR BORROWING TROUBLE: It is a fact of life that when cloth is excised so a garment can be made "several sizes smaller," it cannot be put back in its original condition. If that was the expectation of the owner, it was unrealistic. The bride did the right thing by having the wedding gown professionally cleaned and boxed, and it shouldn't be necessary for her to make any apologies.
After the wedding, the dress was professionally cleaned, boxed and returned to the owner. She is now livid and contends that the dress should have been returned in its original state -- just like it was loaned.
I'd appreciate your help settling this family dispute. How should this work? -- BORROWING TROUBLE IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR BORROWING TROUBLE: It is a fact of life that when cloth is excised so a garment can be made "several sizes smaller," it cannot be put back in its original condition. If that was the expectation of the owner, it was unrealistic. The bride did the right thing by having the wedding gown professionally cleaned and boxed, and it shouldn't be necessary for her to make any apologies.
Dear Annie: Graduation Party?
Mar. 5th, 2013 07:40 amceretaDear Annie: I am the youngest of seven children and the only one who didn't marry young. I am also the only one who attended college. I am graduating in May and mentioned to my parents that I hoped to have a small graduation party with family and close friends. One friend already offered to make my cake.
You can imagine my disappointment when my parents said it was silly to have a graduation party, and they'd rather spend money on a wedding whenever I get married. Annie, I wasn't asking them to spend money. I just wanted to use the hospitality of their home because my college apartment is a few hours away.
I've worked hard for my degree, and I'm hurt by their lack of excitement. I want to share my happiness. I don't need gifts. Would it be against etiquette to throw myself a party? -- Puzzled
Dear Puzzled: It is OK to give yourself a party, but please don't mention your graduation until after your guests arrive. You don't want to give the impression of, "I'm so fantastic and accomplished -- bring presents." Simply say you want to have a party. You can then tell them during the event that you are celebrating your degree. Another option is to get together with your classmates and have a group celebration, whereby you are essentially giving a graduation party for one another.
You can imagine my disappointment when my parents said it was silly to have a graduation party, and they'd rather spend money on a wedding whenever I get married. Annie, I wasn't asking them to spend money. I just wanted to use the hospitality of their home because my college apartment is a few hours away.
I've worked hard for my degree, and I'm hurt by their lack of excitement. I want to share my happiness. I don't need gifts. Would it be against etiquette to throw myself a party? -- Puzzled
Dear Puzzled: It is OK to give yourself a party, but please don't mention your graduation until after your guests arrive. You don't want to give the impression of, "I'm so fantastic and accomplished -- bring presents." Simply say you want to have a party. You can then tell them during the event that you are celebrating your degree. Another option is to get together with your classmates and have a group celebration, whereby you are essentially giving a graduation party for one another.
