Dear Care & Feeding: Am I A Grinch?

[minoanmiss]

I can’t pretend that I believe in Santa in front of my friends’ kids.

I’m a (happily!) childless twentysomething with several friends with kids. I’m happy to listen to my friends’ stories and look at endless pictures of their cute babies.

I identify as Jewish. I buy holiday presents for my friends’ kids (which I’m sure they open on Christmas), and I’m beginning to get anxious now that more of the kids are old enough to understand the concept of Santa. I have no desire to lie to children and say that I believe in a Christian tradition when I am part of a family that has experienced persecution, forced conversion, murder, and general inconvenience by said religion.

My previous script when I was asked by a kid if I believe in Santa (an event that has been surprisingly frequent) was along the lines of: “I don’t believe in Santa, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t. People in the world have different holidays that they celebrate and different ways they live, and that’s what makes the world an interesting place to live.”

One of my friends texted last year to ask me if I could pretend to believe in Santa so I don’t “ruin Christmas” for their kid. I told them that to ask that of me made me feel deeply uncomfortable, and they dropped it, but I can’t shake how upset I am by it. It’s making me anxious that it’ll happen again. I don’t want to ruin someone else’s holiday, but I feel like “please don’t force me to pretend I’m Christian or that I believe in Santa” isn’t that unreasonable of a request. Is there a better script for this if it happens again? How do I make people understand that this is a completely bananas thing to ask and not as harmless as they think it is? Am I being the unreasonable one?

—Am I a Grinch?

Dear AIaG,

If you feel evincing belief in a largely secular rite to indulge the children of your friends is an affront to your own faith, well, that’s how you feel. The question of whether you’re being unreasonable isn’t salient.

Your friend asked you not to ruin Christmas for their kid by puncturing their own belief; I’m sorry this is still making you feel deeply uncomfortable one year on. I do indeed think there’s a better script for this, so here you go:

Friend’s kid: Auntie G, do you believe in Santa?
You: Hm, I don’t know. What do you think?
Friend’s kid: But really, do you believe in Santa?
You: I just don’t know! What are you excited to get this year?
Friend’s kid: But is Santa real?
You: I don’t know, but I hope he brings you a bike!

Your previous answer made the mistake of taking the kid’s question at face value. No young child cares what you or any grown-ups think; they are, always, talking about themselves. You don’t have to participate in what you feel is a lie; you can simply redirect with lots of questions, and avoid the ire of your friends.

If you truly feel you cannot even do this—play dumb, essentially—then yes, I do think you’re being unreasonable, and for no particular reason. Ruining your friends’ kids’ ability to suspend disbelief—to be a kid!—is not some intellectual or religious victory for you. You might think Santa is bananas (he is), but you’re an adult and surely you know that life sometimes demands that we roll our eyes and keep our opinions to ourselves.

Comments

n.b.

[minoanmiss]

I posted this one because I am honestly uncertain about it and I suspect it's one of those questions where many people will think the answer is obvious but the "obvious" answer will be different for different people.

Specifically I'm thinking about how the LW's friend did/should handle this, what they can/should ask of the LW. Is this a fair request? Is it a religious "micro"aggression?

(Also, I hate it when people call Christmas secular. It's got Christ right in the name. It's not secular. And that's not the only place where I disagree with the answer.)

Re: n.b.

[ashbet]

I think that pushing the LW to say "I don't know" (which translates to "Maybe I believe in him") is a religious micro-aggression.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for the LW to say "I'm Jewish, we don't have Santa in our holiday celebrations, but I hope you have a great Christmas."

I don't think she's trying to spoil anyone's holiday by outright declaiming that Santa isn't real, but saying that Santa isn't part of her religion's/culture's traditions isn't ruining Christmas for kids.

Re: n.b.

[julian]

I think it's a micro-aggression, yeah. I mean, not a huge one, and as these things go not a big deal, but it's there.

And the thing is, I think there's a distinction between, as C&F puts it, "playing dumb," and pushing the LW to profess belief in Santa, which is where this answer goes wrong.

There are *so many* ways to deflect and/or be enthusiastic with the kid that *aren't* professing belief that it's just kind of weird to ask LW to act like they *do* believe.

And you can have C&F's exact dialogue, too!

[anotherslashfan]

I hope I'm not the only one who's dissatisfied with that answer. The script at the end seems somewhat useful, but I fully understand why the LW is so sensitive to the topic.

[cereta]

Nope. Problems.

[cereta]

If you feel evincing belief in a largely secular rite to indulge the children of your friends is an affront to your own faith, well, that’s how you feel.

Oh, fuck off. Look, I don't even begin to pretend that I have all the answers, here (or even any answers), or that I haven't been all over the place on the LW's question, but can we stop pretending that Christmas is somehow religiously neutral? There is nothing neutral about one religion having a major feast day as a federal holiday accommodated by schools.

[onlysmallwings]

Well, that sure is a garbage answer.

"Largely secular rite" my entire ass. Christ is right in the name and it's frequently the only time folks go to church all year.

Yes, asking a Jewish person to pretend to believe in Santa 'for the kids' is a micro-aggression.

Teaching children that there are a lot of people in the world who do not believe the same things they do is not a bad thing for the child.

[cynthia1960]

This!

[lemonsharks]

I dug out my keyboard for this one. I think I was six when a classmate gave me the santa spoilers? It did not "ruin christmas," I did not die, and I think the person most upset was my mom. It did bug me that my parents kept up the charade for another ten years afterward--at some point I think it started being more about fuckin' with me than about the ~magic of ~christmas. (I'm an only child.)

Yes: asking a Jewish friend to pretend to believe in Santa, or to pretend to not know whether Santa is real to them or not, is absolutely a religious microaggression. It shouldn't even be a request the parent-friends should think to make.

But since they have: I think a better (and still imperfect) solution would be something that redirects--LW is Jewish, and a lot of Jewish people go out to the movie theater and have Chinese food on Christmas because so many of their non-Jewish friends are having family time and following up with questions about the kid and their favorite things.

Also, I dislike the entire Santa and elf on a shelf pageant more and more each year. It feels like an underhanded attempt to buy a couple of months of unquestioned obedience from the kids without being the bad guy and holding Schrodinger's presents hostage in the guise of Mom and Dad.

[minoanmiss]

Ah, the Elf on the Shelf: Baby's first Panopticon!

[gingicat]

Well, and that's the thing, too; when Jewish kids say there's no such thing as Santa, they often get told "well, you're on the naughty list then!" by their peers.

[julian]

Like, a) Christmas is not secular, sorry!

And b) There are infinite number of ways to be enthusiastic with a kid about a fun holiday without saying you yourself believe in Santa.

Care and Feeding, you Fail.

[redbird]

In the letter writer's place, I would be very tempted to tell that friend "if telling the truth that I don't believe in Santa Claus is 'ruining' Christmas for your kids, I'll stay out of it altogether. Do you want me to explain why I'm waiting until their birthdays to buy them presents?"

If telling the truth plus buying the kids presents is "ruining Christmas," LW can get the same result a lot cheaper. Kids who are repeatedly asking "do you believe in Santa?" already have doubts; they may be looking for a grown-up to tell them "No, I don't. It's okay if you don't either."

Tempting though it would be, LW probably shouldn't offer to tell the kids, honestly, "No, I don't. I'm Jewish, and we believe in one God, who doesn't have that sort of helper." Or to ask those friends "when do you plan to teach your children that God is One, who doesn't have or need the help of a toy factory full of elves?"

Part of what's weird about the Santa Claus thing is that so many people want you to pretend to believe in something that they don't believe in either.

[eleanorjane]

No, I don't. I'm Jewish, and we believe in one God, who doesn't have that sort of helper

Wait, Santa is seen as a Jesus Helper thing?

Now I understand why people are saying it's not secular. My experience has mostly been of older Christians complaining about the Santa-ification of Christmas _because_ he's secular (in their opinion) and it detracts from Christmas being Christian. So I was a bit bemused. But if Santa is getting roped in to the religious side of Christmas now, that makes a lot more sense to me.

[ambyr]

My response to any gentile telling any Jew that any aspect of Christmas is secular is and will always be to want to write FUCK YOU in sparkly letters as large as their screen can display.

[purlewe]

this.

[lavendertook]

Ditto!

[rosefox]

If Christmas is ruined by the child learning that not everyone believes the same thing—especially if the child is old enough to start suspecting that not everyone believes in Santa, and to ask about it—then that's a parent problem, not a friend problem.

"I don't know" is still a lie, so really not a good way to go. Some better options:

"Santa's part of Christmas and I don't celebrate Christmas. Even people who celebrate Christmas do it different ways. What's it like at your house?"

"You know, since I'm Jewish, I actually don't know much about Santa. Can you tell me about him?"

"Jews believe that Elijah the prophet visits on Pesach, and sometimes we help him bring gifts for kids*. I think that's a little like what Santa does, right? Let's share our holiday traditions."

* I actually have no idea if this is a common thing or just what was done in my family, but we have an "Elijah brings the kids books and drinks wine" tradition that's a tiny bit Santa-like.

Or the one I bet the kids' parents really don't want: "Hm, that's an interesting question. Why do you ask?"

[minoanmiss]

I want to award everyone here the columnist's pay since everyone's done much better with the question than they did, but especially to you. I love these conversational ideas.

[lavendertook]

Oh, FUCK YOU Care & Feeding with your complacent aversive bigotry!!!

Santa may not be an orthodox part of Christianity but it is a long appropriated part of a Christian holiday that has nothing to do with Judaism or the other minority religions in the US, saving certain Euro-Asian paganisms from which the concept was appropriated, and where they don't call the figure Santa. Santa is a throughly Christian thing in the US.

The LW's usual response is perfect. It is above the head of small children, but that's perfectly fine, because kids should be exposed to concepts that may be out of their range because it helps them grow if they are curious, or it will go in one ear and out the other for the ones that aren't in that moment, which would be most, and that accomplishes not spoiling their idea of Santa in any way.

The friend who is asking LW to play along is being totally intolerant of the Jew in their midst. LW has no reason to accommodate them. If LW wants to call the friend out for the bigot they are, they would be in their rights, and someone should do so. But if that is not their style, than can just say "no, I'm a Jew--this is what I do" if told again, otherwise feel free to ignore it. if they get uninvited or otherwise shut out, it's because their friends are bigots, and it's very hard, but they should not look back at such small minded people.

I speak as a Jew who plays well with Christmas and all sparkly holidays, except when someone starts with crap like LW's friend or like the Care and Feeding advisor here, then I am all Chanukah on their butt like a good USian agnostic Jew. Feh.

[cynthia1960]

This advice fails the "don't be an asshole" commandment big time.

[conuly]

Sooner or later your child IS going to learn Santa isn't real. Which is why we never did Santa as a real thing in the first place, only ever as a fun game to play, where everybody was in on the joke from the start. And thus, we never worried about Christmas being "ruined".

[colorwheel]

i'm steamed at this answer for reasons already articulated. i'm jewish, i've lived in christian mainstream culture my whole life, don't tell me santa isn't christian. also:

Your previous answer made the mistake of taking the kid’s question at face value. No young child cares what you or any grown-ups think; they are, always, talking about themselves.

that's patently fucking false. i have many kids in my life and i have been a teacher. kids often DO care what adults think about various things. sure, the kids are often asking because they're thinking "about themselves" -- but not always, and even when they are, they're often working on what they think themselves BY asking what other people think. almost as if they're humans who communicate and whose evolving thoughts sometimes shift through interaction.

[minoanmiss]

Well said. I mean, the advice was so many different kinds of wrong, but I definitely huffed aloud at the quoted bit. As if children can't seek out knowledge, let alone don't.

[amireal]

I think there's a conflation happening between the requested "change in response" and an unspoken potential response. I think it's okay to ask someone not to say "Santa isn't real" to your children because that's one of those conversations that belongs to parents and also, you're just being a jerk.

THAT isn't what's being asked of LW here but I think the question is being answered as IF that's the phrase the LW is being asked to avoid. I absolutely think the parents the LW are writing about are attempting to avoid a slightly more complex conversation with their kids about different people with different beliefs are allowed to believe different things than you.

[minoanmiss]

I'm so glad I decided to ask about this one. This is another piece of it where I could see that the answer was wrong but not quite how, and your comment has made the how clear to me.

[ioplokon]

What horrible advice - imo, there's nothing wrong with LW's response? I guess one of the results of being raised by a very religious Catholic family is that I was never taught to consider Christmas as secular? Santa for my family was Saint Nicholas (though obviously an altered version) and was part and parcel of the whole religious aspect of the season (Advent, Confession when I was older, midnight mass). Even in my incredibly religiously homogeneous environment, I was still taught that people from different traditions celebrated different holidays? It didn't really affect whether I as a child believed in Santa to know that?

EDIT: Also - if the child is like, flat-out asking whether people believe in Santa (which LW's script leads me to believe) then like......... the fact that some people don't is already in the child's head??? Like, the cat's already poking it's whiskers out of the bag here... I feel like it's probably that this is far more about the parents' ideas of childhood innocence than the actual child's emotional maturity...

[cynthia1960]

Yes, this. Being a observant Catholic growing up does make Christmas and Easter very non-secular.

[gingicat]

There is actually an Isaac Bashevis Singer story about a rich nobleman in red robes who comes to play dreidel with a poor Jewish family, losing terribly and leaving a pile of gold behind...

As you know, I told our Jewish kids about St. Nicholas back around the time that their friends believed in Santa Claus, and said "so now you can truthfully say that there is a real Santa, just nod and smile at the North Pole bit."

[minoanmiss]

I had forgotten you did that! Why did I forget that awesomeness?

[azurelunatic]

...
...
Wow. No.