agonyaunt | Entries tagged with finances

1. DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my daughter went "no contact" with both sides of our family -- grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, as well as cousins. Since then, I have been struggling with how I should answer acquaintances who ask, "How is she doing?" as well as those who ask, "Do you have children?"

I have been told by friends and family that I should tell the acquaintances that I don't know why because she doesn't speak to the family. However, I have found this response leads to more uncomfortable questions. I am embarrassed to have to tell people "Yes, but she does not speak to us" -- and worse, try to answer "Why?" Lately, I have been telling people, "No, we don't have children" so I won't have to explain.

Can you advise me how I can answer these questions without explanations, embarrassment or lies? -- FORMER PARENT IN WASHINGTON

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*****

2. DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like "Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you." Was I wrong? -- NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA

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minoanmiss

Dear Quentin,
I read your response to this woman who was scammed and is still waiting by the phone. I have been living a nightmare with my mother for seven years.

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Current Mood: anxious

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: curious

conuly

Link

1. Dear Pay Dirt,

Is there etiquette (or ethics) around what survivors do with memorial money donated at a funeral? I always thought a memorial donation was meant to be given to a charity of the family’s choice in honor of the deceased. A close friend of mine just lost his elderly father, and because the family hadn’t listed any preferred charities in the obituary, I put a hefty cash donation with the card at the funeral, assuming it would go to a charity of their choice.
Later, my friend mentioned that he and his siblings were going to put any memorial cash toward funeral expenses. I know that funerals are expensive, but my friend is doing well financially, and his brother married into generational wealth of an amount that is mind-boggling. It seems petty and cheap, and perhaps dishonest, of them to put memorials toward expenses. If I had known this, I would have donated directly to a charity, but it’s too late for that now. If they were struggling financially, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it seems inappropriate at best, and downright sleazy at worst. Or maybe everyone does this and I have been deluded about the purpose of memorial donations. I’m also not sure whether to bring it up with my friend or let it go. Your thoughts?

—Memorial Muddle

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2. Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m struggling with money and the parents of my child’s friends. My middle school-aged child is kind and engaging and has lots of friends who spend a lot of time at our home. I have spent several thousand dollars feeding these guests over the summer. (Not snacks, meals.) I ask myself when they leave home in the morning, and their parents have not given them any money, who do their parents think is feeding their children night after night after night?

Most of the hanging out happens at our house. Occasionally, my child will go to one of their homes. I don’t think they have ever been given more than a bag of potato chips by another parent. My child always texts to see if I can send money to buy dinner. I’ve never met any of their parents. These kids have to take buses to get here so it’s not like they can go home, eat, and come back, even if their parents were home to feed them.

I wish I were one of those people who loves to wine and dine the multitudes, but I hate to cook, and I don’t have a lot of money. I’m ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I wonder how I can feed my child dinner without feeding everybody else. Any advice is welcome!

—Not Proud of Feeling Stingy

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misbegotten

From NY Mag

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, cohabitating for two. We’re both 29 and, like most of our friends, have struggled to make ends meet between paying for student loans and rent. I work in early-childhood education, and my boyfriend is a chef. We are not wealthy by any means, but my boyfriend comes from a privileged background and his dad recently did something incredibly generous: He helped us with the down payment on a house.

( Anxiety! )

conuly

Dear Pay Dirt,

Everyone in my family is an academic achiever except me. Despite tests showing high intelligence, my grades were terrible. Decades later, I learned I had an undiagnosed, learning disability. I never told my family. When I was 7, I misunderstood a gift and spent $20 on a bunch of candy instead of returning the change. Because of that, my family thinks I’m bad with money.

My parents also bailed me out of credit card debt in college, but I haven’t taken their money since. My family never lets me pick up a check because they believe I’m poor. I don’t discuss my finances because they don’t believe me. My husband and I have a combined income in the mid-six figures with over seven figures in savings. (I outearn one of my siblings!) My family tried to stop us from buying a house and sending our kids to private school.

During estate planning, my parents allocated me more money than my siblings because they think I’ll need it. One sibling wants me to get it because they don’t want to be financially responsible for me and the other is complaining that my parents are punishing them for being responsible. It’s not my fault my family never updated their views, and if they think I need “special help,” then it’s ethical to accept it, right? I’m not lying to or deceiving anyone.

—You Can’t Handle the Truth

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conuly

1. DEAR ABBY: I am 76. My husband and I planned our final wishes for cremation because I have had a lifelong fear of being buried underground. My children from my first marriage are Jewish and very much against cremation. When I told them my wishes, they attacked me with a barrage of negatives about cremation, such as, "You won't go to heaven," "You won't see your deceased mother or grandson in heaven," "We won't be able to say kaddish for you," etc., so I immediately changed my plans. My husband and I purchased side-by-side crypts, thinking it was an acceptable alternative.

I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA

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2. Around a decade ago, my mom informed each of her children that she and my stepfather put a codicil in their wills disinheriting any of their children married to someone not recognized as Jewish by her local Orthodox Rabbinate.

I believe a will is not just about money; it’s also an expression of values and love. I have strongly objected to this codicil, or more specifically, to her having informed us about it: The two are thereby using their wealth as an implicit weapon in service of their religious views.

She says I’m reading too much into it. She claims she informed us in the name of “transparency,” so we wouldn’t be surprised later, and that it’s her money to do with as she pleases, anyway — though she concedes that she also informed us in case it may influence decisions we make.

I’ve since married someone who fits her definition of a Jew, so the codicil doesn’t apply to me. Still, I have three middle-aged siblings who are all not religious and unmarried, and I think they remain so at least partially because they’re stuck, unable to both follow their hearts and avoid betraying my mother’s love — and its most powerful signifier, her will. Is she right to have the codicil? And to have told us about it? — Name Withheld

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jadelennox

Dear Pay Dirt,

When I graduate college in 2022, I was gifted a large sum of money as a graduation present to help pay off my loans. My parents (who are missionaries and also recently inherited a lot of cash) offered to match this gift to help me out. But when Biden’s plan for student loan forgiveness got announced, my parents asked/demanded the money for their ministry (which has no issue fundraising), saying that I should manage and pay off the rest of my loans to learn “financial responsibility” even though I am otherwise almost entirely financially independent. I tried to object but my entire family said I was being selfish and acted disgusted that I would want some control over my own finances, so I gave in. But now that it seems like student loans will not be forgiven, I want the money back. Am I incredibly selfish? What do I do?

—Morally Confused

Dear Morally Confused,

You’re certainly not selfish for wanting control over your finances or wanting to pay off your student loans. But it sounds like your parents did not give that gift freely and instead actually wanted it routed toward their ministry. If student loan forgiveness gets overturned by the Supreme Court, you could request the gift back, but it doesn’t sound like it was ever much of a “gift”—just a way to guilt you into donating more to your parents’ ministry. Asking for your donation back will not give you peace with your family, only a fresh round of being called “selfish.” You might be better off paying the last bit of your student loans without their assistance. If you want independent control over your finances, you will have to refuse money from your parents with attached strings and guilt.

jadelennox

Dear Pay Dirt,

My fiancée and I have both considerable debt, with low-paying jobs, and skyrocketing rent. We both work remotely but she goes into the office a lot. We rent a small studio. My father owns several properties and offered to let us “rent” his one-bedroom condo for what amounts to the cost of the fees and taxes. We would essentially be paying less than a third of the market rate. In three years, we could pay off most of our debts and maybe start saving for a wedding.

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source at slate

misbegotten

( Husband is secretive, irresponsible, and weird about money )

shanaqui

Dear Amy: My 26-year-old grandchild “Sal” (and roommates) lost everything in a fire earlier this year. I reached out through Facebook to lament their loss, and many of my friends responded through donating money generously.

The (quite substantial) check was made out to me. They instructed me to handle it any way I thought best.

I contacted Sal and asked how I should get them this money. The response was that they would pick it up sometime in the future from their parents and would share it with roommates.

I know that this young adult is in dire financial straits right now, so I remarked something to the effect that I knew that Sal could probably use the money sooner rather than later.

The response from Sal was: “Please do not give me unsolicited financial advice again. I’m very busy with this gig and can’t help you to set up Venmo. If you can cash the check and give it to my parents, I’ll pick it up from them sometime in the next few weeks.”

I responded (sarcastically) that I was sorry to have offended, and that I could assure Sal that it would never happen again.

Sal responded, “Thank you!” (Obviously the sarcasm went right over their head.)

I truly don’t know what to do. I’m offended by the snippy, self-absorbed response; by the rudeness of it to anyone, particularly a grandmother.

I put the money into my savings account.

I admit I am very angry. To add insult to injury, Sal has never written one thank you email to any of my friends who donated to these funds, despite my sending along their email addresses.

Please give me some guidance here. I’m torn between family duty, and giving this young person a lesson they’ll not forget.

– Offended Gran

Dear Gran: You could play this two ways: Don’t respond at all, and don’t do anything, forcing “Sal” to contact you directly regarding the money.

The second response would be to craft a short, warmly-worded email (lose the sarcasm): “You’ve given me many moments of pride as I’ve watched you grow into an adult. This is not one of them. I know you’ve been through a lot, but there are times through life when it is vital that you remember to treat others as you would like to be treated. This IS one of them. My friends and I rallied and answered a need. When you can figure out how to respond to this generosity with gratitude, I’ll be happy to send these funds to you. I’d also be happy (with my friends’ permission) to donate it to your town’s fire and rescue squad. You decide. Love always, Gran. PS: I figured out how to use Venmo!” (It’s easy!)

minoanmiss

[That's the abbrieved title.]

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Current Mood: blah

lannamichaels

https://captainawkward.com/2022/04/13/1372-help-me-plant-the-right-boundaries-for-the-future/

( Creating farm and family problems )

conuly

Dear Amy: My wife and I got married right after college and quickly welcomed our first child.

I knew that having kids would take all of my wife’s attention, therefore, I did not want any more children.

But shortly after the first child came baby number two.

At that point I got a vasectomy.

Twenty years later, I have built a very successful career, while my wife chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids.

She has taken the lead with the kid’s activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do.

She has held various low-paying, “do good”-type positions in the community.

She has a lot of skills and did not have to compromise her career for the children.

There are a lot of successful women doing it all.

My wife has nothing to show for working year after year.

I am very resentful of her career choices and have expressed this many times.

I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse.

Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it.

My wife now has decided to pursue a second degree so she can increase her skills.

I told her that I would help her start a small business if she abandoned going back to school.

She declined.

I do not feel obligated to pay for her education, which I could easily do. She is taking out student loans, but she will never be able to catch up to my salary.

Am I being unreasonable for not helping, and for feeling so resentful toward her?

– Resentful Husband

( Wow, I hate this man so much )

minoanmiss

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minoanmiss

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Current Mood: incredulous

minoanmiss

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minoanmiss

[n.b. this is the one I couldn't help mentioning yesterday.]

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Current Mood: shocked

minoanmiss

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Current Mood: confused

minoanmiss

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter is 9 and wonderfully smart and creative. One of her favorite creative outlets is cooking. ( Read more... )

fairestcat

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I met working at a major tech company. He left with more than $2 million at age 36. On the outside, our life looks great. But he hasn’t worked since we got married nearly 20 years ago, and as a result, he’s blown through all our cash. I knew he was selling off stock but was unaware of the extent until a few years ago. I never expected he would not work again. Now he resents watching colleagues advance to senior roles, making good money, and working on exciting tech products. A few friends are starting to retire. That would have been us, too. But now we’re in our 50s with no savings.

I’m a best-selling author, and my early books netted nearly $1 million from book sales. Today, I still hustle for editorial projects. He claims he couldn’t work all those years because he was too busy setting me up in my writing career. He has been helpful, no doubt about it. But I never asked him to forgo working for years. Now he’s deeply depressed. He keeps me up at night bemoaning how he’s a loser, and messed up his life, and I should leave him, or blaming me for it. I’m exhausted the next day but work on various projects—while he sleeps all day—and then the cycle starts again. I haven’t sold a book in years, and I know it’s partly due to the stress.

We have a second home that I inherited a few years ago. He’s pressing me to sell it so we have some cash. I really don’t want to sell it. I know we’ll blow through the cash in a couple of years, and then we’ll be in the exact same position. That house is the only asset that I have in my own name, and knowing that I have a potential place to land if we split up is all that’s keeping me sane.

He refuses to get counseling. He has started to reach out to places to apply for jobs in earnest, but at his age, with a résumé gap of 18 years, I’m worried it’s too late, especially for the kind of jobs he’s after in the tech industry. He would never consider getting a “normal” job, like working retail or as a bartender, as he’d be embarrassed if his colleagues ran into him someplace. I really feel that I need some therapy, but I know we can’t afford it. I’m now seriously considering abandoning my writing career.

I’ve been applying for jobs in part to get us health care, since we have to drop ours, as we can’t afford it. But since I also haven’t had a traditional job, it’s been a real challenge for me, too, and incredibly depressing. Friends tell me to leave, but I genuinely love my husband. He’s a smart guy who can do just about anything. He’d actually be great working for a company. But he doesn’t believe it. The negative voice in his head has become too strong and his ego is too fragile. What am I to do?
—Overdrawn

Since it took the two of you more than 20 years to get to this point, I don’t think you’re going to be able to figure out the way forward (and whether it’s possible to move forward together) in a single conversation. If he refuses to get counseling, go without him. If you can only afford one or two sessions, go once or twice. If he refuses to apply to realistic jobs, apply to some yourself, and let your writing serve as a part-time job. Instead of selling the house, why not rent it out? That way you’ll have at least some money coming in as you try to figure out your next move.

Set up an immediate state-of-the-financial-union meeting and commit to having regular conversations about your debts, your budgets, and what you can do in the short and long term to start making money again. I understand that you don’t want to leave your husband, and I think it’s worth at least trying to figure out if you two can make changes together. I also understand that habits of 20 years don’t disappear overnight, and you two have fallen into a long-running pattern of not talking about money that’s enabled you to avoid difficult feelings. Talking about money is going to feel painful and unnatural. The more often you do it, the easier it’s going to get—besides, you’d both have to go over your finances if you did get divorced, so it’s not exactly something you can avoid either way.

If, however, despite all your best attempts to talk about this, your husband refuses to participate, continues to blame you for his choices, and tries to get you to liquidate your house so he can avoid looking for work for another few years, then I think you will need to consider leaving him, not just to preserve your own financial independence, but to preserve your peace of mind.

cereta

( Debt )

lilysea

Dear Prudence,
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway

A: I certainly hope your dislike for Mary is rooted in something other than “she can’t afford to spend as much money on appetizers as I can,” because the only sin she appears to have committed is being less rich than the rest of your friends. While you’re certainly within your rights not to invite Mary to an event you’re hosting, sending dinner-party invitations with further instructions about who someone can invite as a plus one should be reserved for more extreme cases than this one.

I think your best option is to include Amy on the invitation and find a way to enjoy yourself despite Mary’s presence—surely at a dinner party full of guests you’ll find someone you want to talk to. It would be awkward and, I think, an overexertion of your rights as a host, to send Amy an invitation “plus one,” then add, “but not the one you’d like to bring.” It would be one thing if Mary had said something rude or offensive the last time you’d had her as a guest in your home. In that case you might say something like, “I would love for you to come but I have to ask you not to bring Mary, because she was so rude to Scorinthians last time she visited/monopolized the conversation/stole my dishwasher.” That said, if you simply can’t stand the thought of Mary as a guest in your home, then you should ask Amy not to bring her. If Amy decides not to attend, or is angry with you for asking, then that’s a risk you’re simply going to have to run.

cereta

( Finances )

cereta

( Financial and marital issues )

cereta

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I each own our homes and have about the same mortgage payment. She ends up staying with me most of the time because I live closer to where we both work.

I recently found out that she has been Airbnbing her condo a lot of the weekends when she stays with me. I feel taken advantage of even though it doesn't really affect me whether her place is empty or she's getting rent.

What is the etiquette on such an arrangement? Should I be getting a cut? I feel if I told her I wanted to stay at her place and rent out mine, she would want some of the money. -- WEEKEND ROOMIES

DEAR WEEKEND ROOMIES: There is no rule of etiquette governing whether you're entitled to some of the income she receives from renting out her place while she's visiting you. Discuss this with your entrepreneurial girlfriend and see how she feels about sharing the wealth. Her reaction will give insight into her character.