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lemonsharksDEAR HARRIETTE: I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. She recently told me that she still has a lot of the gifts that an ex-boyfriend gave her.
I got a lot of pushback from her when I told her that it made me uncomfortable that she still has the gifts. I think that her unwillingness to part with them may signify an emotional attachment to the items — and thus an emotional attachment to the person who gave them to her.
Could I be overthinking this?
- Throw Them Out
DEAR THROW THEM OUT: Start by assessing what the gifts are.
I wouldn’t automatically say that your girlfriend is holding on to old feelings about her ex because she has some stuff he gave her. It could simply be that she likes the things.
Ask her and listen to what she has to say. I would be worried if she seems to go down memory lane when she speaks of her ex or of the items in question.
The reality is that if you date someone who previously was with someone else, it is likely that the person may have items from the ex. Even more, there surely are memories of their times together. You may want to know a bit about what she liked about this person, how they spent their time and why they broke up.
Rather than automatically wanting her to expunge any memory of him from her life, learn about her past. Allow her to learn about yours as well, and see where this path of mutual discovery leads you.
I got a lot of pushback from her when I told her that it made me uncomfortable that she still has the gifts. I think that her unwillingness to part with them may signify an emotional attachment to the items — and thus an emotional attachment to the person who gave them to her.
Could I be overthinking this?
- Throw Them Out
DEAR THROW THEM OUT: Start by assessing what the gifts are.
I wouldn’t automatically say that your girlfriend is holding on to old feelings about her ex because she has some stuff he gave her. It could simply be that she likes the things.
Ask her and listen to what she has to say. I would be worried if she seems to go down memory lane when she speaks of her ex or of the items in question.
The reality is that if you date someone who previously was with someone else, it is likely that the person may have items from the ex. Even more, there surely are memories of their times together. You may want to know a bit about what she liked about this person, how they spent their time and why they broke up.
Rather than automatically wanting her to expunge any memory of him from her life, learn about her past. Allow her to learn about yours as well, and see where this path of mutual discovery leads you.
minoanmissQ. An artful PSA: Recently, an ex of mine contacted me about some digitally altered pics I had posted detailing experiences I went through with him. He wanted me to remove them, as they did not portray him as the “nice guy” everyone knows. I had always kept my promise of never posting them when we were together, but nothing was said or implied about after a breakup. I’m an artist and writer. Sometimes these guys become my muse or source of inspiration when I need to express my thoughts and feelings at the time. They also serve as PSAs for people in similar situations who might feel as if they are going through, let’s say, domestic violence. Sure, I know there is a risk, but am I obligated to take down my artistic creations when there are no names attached to these pieces? I should add he was never a follower of mine on these sites when we were together.
A: “Obligated” in what sense? Morally, legally, relationally? How “altered” are these pictures, and was the alteration in service of increased anonymity for him, or in heightened dramatic tension? Did you, say, blur his face a little bit, or did you fictionalize the scenes entirely? I can’t help but suspect that what you altered, and in what direction, is the most important question and you declined to elaborate on that front because you weren’t sure it would help your case. I don’t think it’s relevant whether your ex “followed” your social media page when you were together. If he’s still recognizable in the pictures you’ve posted, I don’t think it’s relevant that you’ve withheld his name, either; if he might reasonably expect people to be able to identify him in the pictures, he certainly has a right to object. At that point you’ll have to use your own judgment to determine whether you think his objection holds water.
If you don’t care about staying friends with your ex, that’s a relevant data point. You might at that point decide you want to stand by your artistic decision, even if he objects to it or threatens legal action, and perhaps consult a lawyer yourself. But there’s a difference between “I want to keep it up because it’s true and operating as a PSA” and “I want to keep it up because it’s my art,” and it will be important for you to decide which assertion you want to make.
A: “Obligated” in what sense? Morally, legally, relationally? How “altered” are these pictures, and was the alteration in service of increased anonymity for him, or in heightened dramatic tension? Did you, say, blur his face a little bit, or did you fictionalize the scenes entirely? I can’t help but suspect that what you altered, and in what direction, is the most important question and you declined to elaborate on that front because you weren’t sure it would help your case. I don’t think it’s relevant whether your ex “followed” your social media page when you were together. If he’s still recognizable in the pictures you’ve posted, I don’t think it’s relevant that you’ve withheld his name, either; if he might reasonably expect people to be able to identify him in the pictures, he certainly has a right to object. At that point you’ll have to use your own judgment to determine whether you think his objection holds water.
If you don’t care about staying friends with your ex, that’s a relevant data point. You might at that point decide you want to stand by your artistic decision, even if he objects to it or threatens legal action, and perhaps consult a lawyer yourself. But there’s a difference between “I want to keep it up because it’s true and operating as a PSA” and “I want to keep it up because it’s my art,” and it will be important for you to decide which assertion you want to make.
minoanmissCan't move in. My boyfriend lost his job and has moved in with me, since I own my own home and rent prices have risen sky-high. We have been talking about marriage. He shares custody of his 5-year-old son with his ex. 
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Tough Love: Indignant
Dec. 9th, 2018 11:30 amfairestcatMy ex writes about sex and relationships and recently wrote that, after we broke up, all my pictures were just me “in the woods” and likened me to Bon Iver. I hike all the time, so it wasn’t Justin Vernon–esque escapism. Is it OK to feel indignant?
Of course you can feel indignant. Just like she can feel indignant that you subtweeted her to an advice column. Consider yourselves even. And in the future, avoid the temptation to read her writing; nothing good can come of it.
Of course you can feel indignant. Just like she can feel indignant that you subtweeted her to an advice column. Consider yourselves even. And in the future, avoid the temptation to read her writing; nothing good can come of it.
