Dear Care & Feeding: My In-Laws Called My Culture Backwards

[minoanmiss]

I am Indian, and my husband is white. His family lives a few hours away in a majority-white area of the state and are mostly liberal, but there have been times I’ve felt like they see me as the representative for every Indian ever, and it’s tiring. For example, his aunt has asked me multiple times what to cook for her son’s Indian friend, since she doesn’t want to “confuse him” with American food. Upon talking to her about him, I learned he was actually adopted from India and had lived here his whole life, and told her to just ask him his favorite food. Or I get relatives asking me if I naturally know yoga or can teach them how to make “authentic chai from my home country” (I’ve spent my whole life in the USA).

Whenever something like this happens, I’ve tried to explain why I’m not an expert on India, that it’s very diverse and multicultural, etc., because I felt like they were genuinely curious and didn’t know better, as many of them have spent their entire lives in mainly white places. I also try to remind myself that a lot of them are firm Democrats and are passionate about equality, they just… need more educating in some areas.

I’m currently six months pregnant with our first child (a girl) and was telling my MIL about the special earrings my family had sent from India. She said that it was sort of unfair to send a gift that couldn’t be used until the baby was much older, and I explained that these were for when she was 4 months old, the same age I had my ears pierced, and were designed so she wouldn’t grab them. My husband understands that this is culturally important to me. But MIL and her sister got very upset, and said that they couldn’t support a “sexist and backwards tradition” and it may have been “acceptable to harm babies” when I was little in India, but that they couldn’t allow it here.

I got very upset and started crying, and my husband and I left. His family have not apologized and have called me dramatic and told my husband they were “defending his daughter’s rights.” I am so angry with them, and I feel like telling my MIL and her sister that if they think I’m going to raise my daughter “backwards,” then they just don’t get to see her. My husband thinks I’m being too extreme, and says that his mom is just “older and has a different perspective on other cultures” and pointed out that she was never racist before, and she wasn’t trying to offend me. I still want to put my foot down, but I’m also kind of wondering if I went too far. I can’t get over her calling my culture backwards and insinuating that something safe and normal is some evil exotic practice. Would I be wrong to set some firm boundaries because of this, or am I being too emotional and overreacting?

—Setting Boundaries in Brooklyn

Dear Setting Boundaries,

I’m sure you’re aware of this now, but white liberals can be some of the most racist people in America. Just because they vote a certain way or have a “I’m so happy you’re my neighbor” sign written in multiple languages on their lawn doesn’t mean a damn thing if their actions aren’t aligned with equity. Yes, your relatives (and other white liberals) need more educating.

By the way, I chuckled when you wrote about your in-laws believing you’re an expert in “all things India.” The same thing happens quite often when clients ask, “Hey, Doyin, do you think the Black community will like this product?” Hell if I know. I’m just one guy, and you’re asking me to be the spokesperson for 13 percent of our nation’s population? Get outta here. I don’t know any white person alive who was tasked with speaking for all white people.

I digress.

In regard to your question, I know better than to recommend my first inclination, which would be to put double middle fingers in your mother-in-law’s face, since that wouldn’t be half as disrespectful as her behavior was toward you. Instead, you can politely thank her for her opinions, but let her know you’re going to do whatever you want for your baby.

Your husband needs to understand how serious it is to have your culture insulted while calling you a drama queen for being offended. If he loves you, he should stand beside you instead of brushing it off like it’s not a big deal. They denounced a part of you, which denounces a part of your daughter. That’s never OK.

No, you didn’t go too far. As a matter of fact, you didn’t go far enough. I would flat out tell them that if they don’t sincerely apologize for their words and behavior that they will not be able to see your baby in person. Sorry, but that’s the price for being xenophobic and racist.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I am of course, furious and exasperated on LW's behalf. I spent years trying to be friends with people who made me swallow a thousand 'micro'aggressions and I remain thankful beyond belief that my sweetie has my back. I would be shattered by such a betrayal, especially while pregnant.

Because that's what this is on the husband's part, a betrayal. He has to understand that part of his job, being from the majority and most powerful ethnicity and married to a woman of a different ethnicity, is to stand up to his family and rebuke them when they are racist to her. Which they most spectacularly were (atop the kajillion 'micro'aggressions of "please represent all of India for us thank you" and the bullshit about how someone born and raised in the US would be 'confused' by American food. Did I mention this one pissed me off?)

And if he's unwilling to understand that, or deliberately refuses to understand that, I think he's going to keep breaking her heart and helping his family grind her down.

I would hate to recommend that a pregnant woman leave her home and partner except under the most dire of circumstances, but I foresee two decades of the husband's family trying to "Americanize" the daughter and undermine the LW at every turn. If they told her to her face that her culture is "backwards" why wouldn't they tell the child that what her mother feeds her is 'disgusting', for instance?

I'm really worried about LW. I deeply hope her husband can love her enough and open his mind enough to catch a very necessary clue, but his reaction here doesn't bode well.

[purlewe]

OOF this one is rough. I feel so bad for the LW. And I hope that she and her hubby get to a therapist that helps them make some decisions on how to deal with the family as a unit together as a team. Bc without both of them being on the same page, he is going to rub the salt in the wounds every time they do something as shitty as this over and over again.

[cimorene]

Wow, yeah. The husband just committed major partnerfail by not backing her up. It would be bad enough for him to be minimizing it if they HAD apologized or if she weren't pregnant, but all at once? I'm thinking couples counseling and ultimatums. Possibly mandatory reading lists.

[minoanmiss]

And the counselor has to be carefully chosen. I just worry that they'll end up with someone who has No Idea about racism and spends the time telling LW she's Overreacting.

[xenacryst]

pointed out that she was never displayed her racist beliefs in public before

There, husband, I fixed that for you.

[xenacryst]

I mean, seriously, having a "different perspective on other cultures" does not have to include disrespecting and dehumanizing them. How fucking hard is this? Especially when this is your own fucking family.

Husband needs to shape up, pronto, before he gets yeeted into the sun along with the rested of the in-laws.

[vindoletta]

"having a "different perspective on other cultures" does not have to include disrespecting and dehumanizing them."

Yes, this. Thank you for putting it so clearly.

In Spain and Latin American countries it's also very common to pierce baby girls's ears and have them wear earrings, so it's not an specific "backwards" culture thing. Whether the practice itself is bad or not, that's something else entirely. (My opinion leans more towards "not imposing it on kids when they aren't old enough to refuse.") It's a permanent body modification, after all.

I guess that's why the mother-in-law freaked out? I've heard negative opinions about piercing girls from people from English-speaking countries before. However, the insults towards LW's culture, acting like she was abusing her daughter, and doubling down on their attitude were totally uncalled for.

[vindoletta]

I had my ears pierced when I was around 8, and it was done by my mother using a not-disinfected safety pin, I think? I don't remember much xD So age & way of piercing might be why I still have the marks - although they have closed since I barely wear earrings. What you say about there being a special kind of first earrings is interesting, I didn't know that was what they were called. ("Abridores" means literally "openers", for those that might not know Spanish.) If you don't mind me asking, where are you from?

I regret getting my ears pierced so I admit that influences my opinion. The piercing job my mom did wasn't the best, and later I resented her forcing these feminine things on me because I've always been a tomboy. I guess I see it as more of a gender-expression thing rather than a cultural tradition - like putting on makeup, or wearing dresses vs wearing trousers. But it seems like it's different for you?

[vindoletta]

I see! It's a bit different from where I'm from (Spain). Older women do see it as tradition, but I get the feeling it's not as important for the younger generations. Men didn't start wearing earrings until 10 years ago or so, as piercings became popular with young people. I like that everyone wears jewelry there without caring about gender, that's really cool. ^^

[minoanmiss]

That sounds distinctly unpleasant, to say the least. A safety pin? I want to hug Little You.

[vindoletta]

I think my earlobes were inflamed for around five days afterwards? It was painful for the first two or three days but afterwards it was just an unpleasant sensation. In any case, I appreciate it.

[conuly]

d if you stop using earrings sometime during infancy/early teens (like my cousin and I did) the piercing closes and doesn't even leave a mark in a relatively short time.

True for some people, not for everybody.

[cereta]

When my daughter was about six months old, my Latino spouse asked if we were going to get her ears pierced (he was still in that stage where he put decisions like that on me; he got better), because that's what his family did. I replied that I didn't really like the practice and would prefer not to. What was funny was that he then turned around and opined that she should have to wait until she was fourteen to get them pierced. I kind of facepalmed at that point.

(She actually waited a bit longer than I expected. I offered to let her do it at eight, but she waited until she was ten. We took her to a tattoo/piercing place, and she actually smiled at laughed through the whole thing.)

[vindoletta]

First, I just want to say I love your icon, it's very funny.

Haha, it seems he never paid it much mind before so he went with the flow. I'm glad ear piercing was a positive experience for your daughter!

[melannen]

There's an intra-white-culture thing, at least in my area, where piercing baby girls' ears is a class/religion/ethnicity marker - piercing a baby's ears means you are working class, or Catholic, or of Mediterranean descent, or whatever. And people can get passionate about it on both sides, especially in mixed families, though being white American people they often have more trouble articulating why they care so much. I could absolutely see a similarly fraught argument happening between two white families, if one was, IDK, blue-collar Greek Orthodox and one was white-collar Presbyterian.

But there is also a vein in Well-Meaning White Liberals though where infant piercing = circumcision = fgm, and they are all equally bad, and given the specific accusations in the letter, I suspect that's what they hit here. Often this is used as a defense for why your obsessive opposition to circumcision/fgm isn't racist/antisemitic, because you hate infant piercing too and white Christian people do that! I have very little patience for that one, and husband certainly has no excuse for not backing her up.

[vindoletta]

That actually clarifies things a lot. Thank you for explaining.

[mirlacca]

No, it's not permanent, not unless you're deliberately stretching the holes in your earlobes. I had my ears pierced some 40+ years ago, stopped wearing earrings some 20 years ago, and if I wanted to wear them now I'd have to have them re-pierced. You can't tell they were ever pierced. The holes do close.

[conuly]

I had my ears pierced as a child, stopped wearing earrings within a few months of getting them done, and I still have the marks.

I'm sure that the holes are closed and I'd have to get them repierced if I wanted to wear earrings, but you can tell they were pierced. Because they have little hole-shaped scars, decades later.

Your experience is not universal. The mark from the piercing can indeed be permanent.

[mirlacca]

Fair point. You're right; my experience, though valid, is not universal.

[conuly]

FYI, it was like 4 in the morning when I posted that and in retrospect I was just a bit more vehement than the subject deserved. I mean, I was factually accurate, but....

[conuly]

So... sorry.

[mirlacca]

Not to worry. It's a legitimate point, and one I've made myself... so when I'm guilty of the same lapse, it's fair to point it out!

[cereta]

You know, if y'all keep having these reasonable resolutions to tense discussions, you're going to put me out of a job.

[lemonsharks]

The "she's from a different time" doesn't cut mustard with me, either. Mom in law is not from a ~different time; she's from the 60s. Possibly the 70s. She grew up with Sesame Street and watched the civil rights movement and/or aftermath on live television.

MIL should know better and if not that, then act better.

Sister-in-law doesn't even have the paper-thin excuse of coming of age in the Reagan administration.

Can a conversation be had about under what circumstances it's appropriate to have body modification done on your child? Absolutely. Can that conversation be had with these people? Not at great risk to the LW's emotional wellbeing.

[cereta]

Also, I'm assuming MiL has not been living in a protective bubble since the 60's. People are more than capable of, you know, learning.

[lemonsharks]

Yeeeeepp.

[shreena]

It's a tricky one. I am from the same culture as the OP and I really empathise with a lot of what she says. I think her MIL crossed the line with "backwards".

However... I also think that it's ok to discuss and disagree with cultural practices. For example, I kind of disagree with circumcision (except for medical reasons) and I would not be very happy for a grandson of mine to be circumcised even if my hypothetical daughter in law was Jewish. I would hope that I would express myself with more tact.

[minoanmiss]

I've seen friends of mine have the Circumcision Discussion and the Baby Earrings discussion, and I know it can be done with a lot more tact than by calling someone's culture "backwards" or "savage".

(Also, I have to admit, whenever I hear White people call India "primitive" or "backwards", the part of me that wanted to be an archaeology major thinks, "there were well planned cities in the Subcontinent when Europe was just learning to farm".)