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Entry tags:
Inlaws, inlaws, inlaws!
1. Dear Amy: I recently graduated with my master’s. My mother and mother-in-law flew separately to my graduation from the other side of the country. I am grateful they both came, but while my MIL was here she made repeated comments that I felt put down my degree.
She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time. She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day. I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.
After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.
I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked. She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job. I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?
– Recent Grad
Dear Grad: Your husband’s mother decided to make a big deal over him on the occasion of your graduation, belittling you in the process. Her preferential treatment is embarrassing, silly (and in my opinion, sexist), and you could try to address your lingering sensitivity about this honestly, but carefully.
When you call, start by thanking her for making the journey to celebrate your graduation. Tell her, “Something’s been bothering me, and because it’s still on my mind, I thought I should try to talk to you about it. You said a few things over the weekend that made it sound like you don’t value my degree and my profession. I hope you understand that I’m sensitive because I’ve worked so hard to achieve this. Do you really feel that way?”
Give her a chance to respond, listen with intention, and do your best to transition this encounter from a confrontation to a conversation. Assure her that you value your husband’s support, and now that you have this advanced degree, you’ll do your best to support him in the style to which he’s accustomed.
Link
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2. Dear Amy: My son married “Marian,” who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter. In spite of her attitude toward us, we have been very generous with them because we adore our three grandchildren and have a great relationship with them. We’ve paid for summer camp and all the extracurricular activities for the children, along with the down payment for their house.
However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts.
I know I put up with too much disrespect from both of them for many years, just to be able to see the grandchildren. Recently our young granddaughter seemed proud about scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it he said, ”It’s none of your business.” This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won’t let the children have contact with us.
– Hurting
Dear Hurting: Your son and his wife have used you for years. And now that they have the house, the extras, and probably limited need for a babysitter, they are done with you.
Of course they won’t let you see the kids! They’ve been using these kids as leverage, and they don’t seem to care about the impact of this loss on their own children.
I’m very sorry.
Link
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3. Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house and while cleaning I’ve seen the handbag in her closet. This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her.
It is obvious about what transpired: While she and my son bought luxurious gifts for her family, she went shopping in her closet for me.
She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot). I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.
A part of me just wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly “regift,” which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.
I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?
– Lonely Purse
Dear Lonely: You are not obliged to prove your affection for your son and his wife by cleaning their house. I hope you are at least compensated for this work.
And even though your generosity is evident and your motivations understandable, you should not purchase a gift you can’t afford.
You are tempted to retaliate in some way for this embarrassment, but sarcasm or humiliation is not a mature response.
I hope you can summon up the courage to calmly approach your daughter-in-law about this. Tell her, “This is embarrassing, but I want you to know that on Christmas you regifted to me the bag I gave to you – two years ago. I realize that you and I don’t have a very close relationship, but I do want you to know that this has made me feel sad and somewhat unappreciated. I’ve tried my best to get to know you, but I wish our relationship was on a better footing.”
Link
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4. Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she's being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough "I'm fine" armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.
Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I've never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn't ask for or take suggestions well, so I've always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children's lives.
Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. -- Concerned Grammy
Dear Concerned Grammy: There is nothing funny about belittling or teasing someone. You sound very psychologically aware, especially to notice that her behavior comes from a place of insecurity based on her own upbringing. But that does not make it right. When people know better, they do better. So my guess is that she doesn't know how damaging her teasing is. Continue to lead by example, but also, talk to your son about your concerns. And in the meantime, continue to praise and support your grandchildren without the putdowns.
Link
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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister-in-law I no longer speak to due to the fact that she thought she was entitled to my deceased mother's belongings. My mother died of old age about a year ago and didn't leave a will, so my brother, sister and I had to divide her belongings. My siblings and I didn't have issues with this task, but my sister-in-law caused problems.
I wanted the dining room table because we grew up eating our meals around it, and I had many fond memories. However, my sister-in-law wanted it because she was remodeling their kitchen and thought it would look good in their house. My brother was indifferent about the table and didn't care whether he got it. We started arguing about it and eventually came to the decision that I would get the table. For the remainder of the division of my mother's things, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. It's been this way for over a year. Is there any way we can resolve this when she won't speak to me? -- Inheritance
DEAR INHERITANCE: People become oddly territorial when it comes to the belongings of the deceased. That's why a will is so important, and I recommend that everyone have one -- even if you think you don't own any possessions of value. When you are gone, everything that you owned can seem valuable to your grieving loved ones.
That said, since you are keenly aware of what happened and feel bad about it, you can be proactive. Reach out to your sister-in-law. Tell her that you would like to reconnect with her. Address the elephant in the room. Say that you know you two fell out over your mother's table. You can express your sorrow that this possession caused a fracture in your relationship with her. Tell her you would like to rekindle your bond. Life is too short and precious for the two of you to still be at odds. See what she says.
Link
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6. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What’s the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TIDY: The best way to address this would be the direct approach. Ask your daughter-in-law if she has noticed that you have been helping to clean her house. If the answer is no, explain that you would be glad to continue helping out and you have a few hours a week to work WITH her, if she’s willing. You are a kind and considerate mother-in-law, and I hope she is appreciative.
Link
She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time. She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day. I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.
After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.
I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked. She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job. I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?
– Recent Grad
Dear Grad: Your husband’s mother decided to make a big deal over him on the occasion of your graduation, belittling you in the process. Her preferential treatment is embarrassing, silly (and in my opinion, sexist), and you could try to address your lingering sensitivity about this honestly, but carefully.
When you call, start by thanking her for making the journey to celebrate your graduation. Tell her, “Something’s been bothering me, and because it’s still on my mind, I thought I should try to talk to you about it. You said a few things over the weekend that made it sound like you don’t value my degree and my profession. I hope you understand that I’m sensitive because I’ve worked so hard to achieve this. Do you really feel that way?”
Give her a chance to respond, listen with intention, and do your best to transition this encounter from a confrontation to a conversation. Assure her that you value your husband’s support, and now that you have this advanced degree, you’ll do your best to support him in the style to which he’s accustomed.
Link
2. Dear Amy: My son married “Marian,” who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter. In spite of her attitude toward us, we have been very generous with them because we adore our three grandchildren and have a great relationship with them. We’ve paid for summer camp and all the extracurricular activities for the children, along with the down payment for their house.
However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts.
I know I put up with too much disrespect from both of them for many years, just to be able to see the grandchildren. Recently our young granddaughter seemed proud about scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it he said, ”It’s none of your business.” This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won’t let the children have contact with us.
– Hurting
Dear Hurting: Your son and his wife have used you for years. And now that they have the house, the extras, and probably limited need for a babysitter, they are done with you.
Of course they won’t let you see the kids! They’ve been using these kids as leverage, and they don’t seem to care about the impact of this loss on their own children.
I’m very sorry.
Link
3. Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house and while cleaning I’ve seen the handbag in her closet. This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her.
It is obvious about what transpired: While she and my son bought luxurious gifts for her family, she went shopping in her closet for me.
She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot). I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.
A part of me just wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly “regift,” which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.
I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?
– Lonely Purse
Dear Lonely: You are not obliged to prove your affection for your son and his wife by cleaning their house. I hope you are at least compensated for this work.
And even though your generosity is evident and your motivations understandable, you should not purchase a gift you can’t afford.
You are tempted to retaliate in some way for this embarrassment, but sarcasm or humiliation is not a mature response.
I hope you can summon up the courage to calmly approach your daughter-in-law about this. Tell her, “This is embarrassing, but I want you to know that on Christmas you regifted to me the bag I gave to you – two years ago. I realize that you and I don’t have a very close relationship, but I do want you to know that this has made me feel sad and somewhat unappreciated. I’ve tried my best to get to know you, but I wish our relationship was on a better footing.”
Link
4. Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she's being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough "I'm fine" armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.
Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I've never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn't ask for or take suggestions well, so I've always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children's lives.
Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. -- Concerned Grammy
Dear Concerned Grammy: There is nothing funny about belittling or teasing someone. You sound very psychologically aware, especially to notice that her behavior comes from a place of insecurity based on her own upbringing. But that does not make it right. When people know better, they do better. So my guess is that she doesn't know how damaging her teasing is. Continue to lead by example, but also, talk to your son about your concerns. And in the meantime, continue to praise and support your grandchildren without the putdowns.
Link
5. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister-in-law I no longer speak to due to the fact that she thought she was entitled to my deceased mother's belongings. My mother died of old age about a year ago and didn't leave a will, so my brother, sister and I had to divide her belongings. My siblings and I didn't have issues with this task, but my sister-in-law caused problems.
I wanted the dining room table because we grew up eating our meals around it, and I had many fond memories. However, my sister-in-law wanted it because she was remodeling their kitchen and thought it would look good in their house. My brother was indifferent about the table and didn't care whether he got it. We started arguing about it and eventually came to the decision that I would get the table. For the remainder of the division of my mother's things, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. It's been this way for over a year. Is there any way we can resolve this when she won't speak to me? -- Inheritance
DEAR INHERITANCE: People become oddly territorial when it comes to the belongings of the deceased. That's why a will is so important, and I recommend that everyone have one -- even if you think you don't own any possessions of value. When you are gone, everything that you owned can seem valuable to your grieving loved ones.
That said, since you are keenly aware of what happened and feel bad about it, you can be proactive. Reach out to your sister-in-law. Tell her that you would like to reconnect with her. Address the elephant in the room. Say that you know you two fell out over your mother's table. You can express your sorrow that this possession caused a fracture in your relationship with her. Tell her you would like to rekindle your bond. Life is too short and precious for the two of you to still be at odds. See what she says.
Link
6. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What’s the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TIDY: The best way to address this would be the direct approach. Ask your daughter-in-law if she has noticed that you have been helping to clean her house. If the answer is no, explain that you would be glad to continue helping out and you have a few hours a week to work WITH her, if she’s willing. You are a kind and considerate mother-in-law, and I hope she is appreciative.
Link
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2. There are so many holes in this narrative. Stop blaming your DIL for your son's choices, LW!
3. Do we know that DIL "bought luxurious gifts for her family"? No, I don't think we do. This may seem obvious to LW, but it looks a lot less obvious to me. At any rate, LW, nobody is making you do things for DIL. If you don't want to - stop!
4. Well, I really just want to know exactly what DIL is saying to her kids and what the kids think about it. Some teasing in a family or a group of friends may in fact be funny and appreciated if - and this is important! - everybody is in on the joke and feels equally able to tease back and also to say "No, stop, that joke is not okay". Without any context, I don't know who's right.
5. Brother did not grow up eating around this table, he does not have fond memories, and it's all his witchy wife's fault that there was ever a dispute about this table in the first place, got it.
Well, if that story is accurate as reported, does LW5 really want to talk to this woman? Because I wouldn't, if this was the situation.
6. Oh ffs, Abby and LW, you are assholes. LW, if your son is incapable of keeping his house clean, talk to him and apologize for not teaching him better when he was a child. Leave his poor wife out of it!
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3. A HANDBAG /Lady Bracknell. Maybe she did not like it, it was not her kind of thing? Perhaps she thought it was one of those presents people buy because they love thing and think other person must do too? And did cleaning really require poking in closets, just asking?
5. Inheritance. Honestly even if people leave wills, they don't necessarily minutely detail items of furniture and personal possessions. The deceased may suppose that the survivors will divide up these spoils more amicably than is realistic and in particularly in the supposition that her doted on firstborn who seldom visited is not a grasping so and so who has probably already been evaluating certain things for being valuable antiques (hai, late Uncle E!).
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I've also heard of folks who put labels on the backs of pictures and undersides of furniture while they were living so that when the kids were splitting things up they'd know who was intended to have what. It won't eliminate fights, because grief and emotions are unpredicable, but in a lot of cases it helps.
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I do have, myself, the 4-tier revolving bookcase that was my grandparents' and then my parents', and I also have my mother's elephant-bead necklace and pendant (bone not ivory, I should add), as reworked by
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6. I give it at least 1 in 3 odds that the DIL has been mentally composing a letter to an advice column that goes, "Dear Abby-or-equivalent: When my MIL drops my kids off, she hides our possessions in random places where we can't find them and sometimes uses cleaning products that make me sneeze on surfaces that I did not ask her to clean and certainly not with those products. We appreciate the time she spends with the kids, but how can I get her to stop 'helping' with our house?"
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LW didn't say how many kids her son has, just mentioned there is more than one and the eldest is 5. I immediately thought of KC Davis' previous house on "reset" day - the shared living space had lots of clothes and child clutter in it until reset day where all of that got taken care of and things got put back where they belong. KC Davis has a 2 year old and a 4 year old I think (might be 5 & 3 by now). Toys for that age range are often quite big and don't really match any kind of decor style other than "We have a kid/We have kids" and can instantly make small spaces feel claustrophobic.
Example videos of KC Davis' living space:
https://www.tiktok.com/@domesticblisters/video/6909096628381158662?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7157033283089090094
https://www.tiktok.com/@domesticblisters/video/6944775883232201989
https://www.tiktok.com/@domesticblisters/video/6964470236586298629
Could also be that husband needs to step in and help out with kid care and take the kids places more frequently so wife can tidy the house, or could be that wife needs husband to step in and help out with household care tasks, assuming the current house clutter ratio isn't working out for the adults who live there.
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3 - First mistake was purchasing a gift you couldn't afford. Second mistake - so much emotion attached to the gift. Recognize there are annual gift giving holidays where you are socially obligated to give people gifts, in turn, the gift receivers are socially obligated to like them (or pretend to like them if they don't), and some people are incredibly difficult to shop for. LW swung and missed with her gift, DIL swung and missed with the regift, it happens. Maybe have an honest discussion about what can be given of actual value in the future (gift cards instead? experience gifts like movies, museum, dinner, mani/pedis, spa, etc?).
4 - Different strokes for different folks. Some parents do have such a relationship with their kids where they joke about the emotionally heavy stuff and it's fine. It sounds like that may be the case with your DIL and grands, while your husband is handling the more heavy emotional lifting. I would also recommend examining the mindset of "my DIL looks to me as a role model" - generally people accept advice/suggestions from role models. This sounds more like things from previous generations of "set a good example for your younger siblings/younger kids," as if everyone is even paying that close of attention/putting that much weight into something one person is doing.
6 - When you say the house is "dirty" - what kind of dirty? Are the kids not able to move around/use the space? Are there moldy dishes and food left out? Or is it just cluttered? If the space is functional and sanitary - leave her alone. People have different preferences for their living spaces. It's fine. If there is a sanitization concern, talk to your son about helping out around the house and helping with childcare. There are two adults who likely live there who should be able to manage the space just fine.
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For the rest of them, I'd throw out some general rules of life:
- Yes, your mother-in-law is being an asshole, but if I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a reaction. Take her behavior as information about her character, and make future decisions about her accordingly.
- Don't give any gift or service that (1) you can't afford, or (2) you haven't been asked for, or (3) you're going to resent. Definitely don't do this if no one is even asking you to do it.
- Your children and their spouses get to make decisions about their own families and homes. Assuming that no one is being harmed, judge them quietly in your own mind, if you want to, but don't try to make them change. (When I say "no one is being harmed," don't counter with "but it has to be bad for children to live in a dirty house.")
- All your relationships will be easier if you can stop worrying about "disrespect."
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