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ceretaOlder column.
Q. Fragrance sensitivity: I began dating “Kara” about a year ago. When we first met, she told me she suffered from migraines, often induced by strong smells. I switched my deodorant and stopped burning scented candles in my home (a big change for me—scented candles had previously helped me control my anxiety). I’ve changed other things too; we’ve even left parties early because hosts had plug-in air fresheners. This has been challenging for me, but I do love her and I want her to be well.
A month ago, Kara tested positive for COVID after losing her sense of smell and taste. She had some gastrointestinal symptoms, and, without thinking, I sprayed scented air freshener to cover up bathroom smells. Kara couldn’t smell the air freshener, and she didn’t have a migraine. I feel disconcerted that I’ve been “cleansing” my life of all scented fragrances for a year, only to realize this is perhaps all in her head. I don’t want to bring this up because I don’t want to upset her during a difficult time. But I also don’t want to raise children with someone who is either a hypochondriac, seeking attention, or unable to exist with the normal fragrances that are part of daily life. Is it worth bringing up with her? Should I seek some sort of medical opinion? Does it matter whether it’s all in her head or a legitimate physical response? Please help.
A: I confess I had rather the opposite response you did: Since Kara can no longer smell anything, at least for now, it stands to reason that scents would stop being a significant migraine trigger too. And at the risk of sounding glib, where else would migraines and fragrance sensitivity be a problem, if not “in the head”? I’m not at all inclined to take this sudden change in her migraine triggers as evidence that she’d previously been faking them.
But you say you don’t want to raise children with someone who can’t “exist with the normal fragrances that are part of daily life,” so even if we set aside the “Kara is a hypochondriac” hypothesis, you’ve apparently realized something pretty significant about your future together. Part of me wants to argue that things like changing deodorant brands and occasionally leaving parties early because your hosts used artificial air fresheners aren’t so challenging that they’re worth ending an otherwise good relationship over, although I can understand the difficulties of finding certain smells relaxing or anxiety-relieving when your partner can’t abide them. But if you consider this a deal breaker, I don’t want to try to convince you to stay with her, mostly for her sake—I think she deserves a partner who finds accommodating her fragrance sensitivity manageable, and who doesn’t assume a temporary respite in her triggers means she’s been faking migraines. I think you should do your best to put your suspicions aside and enjoy your relationship with Kara, but if you can’t, do her a favor and let her find someone else.
Q. Fragrance sensitivity: I began dating “Kara” about a year ago. When we first met, she told me she suffered from migraines, often induced by strong smells. I switched my deodorant and stopped burning scented candles in my home (a big change for me—scented candles had previously helped me control my anxiety). I’ve changed other things too; we’ve even left parties early because hosts had plug-in air fresheners. This has been challenging for me, but I do love her and I want her to be well.
A month ago, Kara tested positive for COVID after losing her sense of smell and taste. She had some gastrointestinal symptoms, and, without thinking, I sprayed scented air freshener to cover up bathroom smells. Kara couldn’t smell the air freshener, and she didn’t have a migraine. I feel disconcerted that I’ve been “cleansing” my life of all scented fragrances for a year, only to realize this is perhaps all in her head. I don’t want to bring this up because I don’t want to upset her during a difficult time. But I also don’t want to raise children with someone who is either a hypochondriac, seeking attention, or unable to exist with the normal fragrances that are part of daily life. Is it worth bringing up with her? Should I seek some sort of medical opinion? Does it matter whether it’s all in her head or a legitimate physical response? Please help.
A: I confess I had rather the opposite response you did: Since Kara can no longer smell anything, at least for now, it stands to reason that scents would stop being a significant migraine trigger too. And at the risk of sounding glib, where else would migraines and fragrance sensitivity be a problem, if not “in the head”? I’m not at all inclined to take this sudden change in her migraine triggers as evidence that she’d previously been faking them.
But you say you don’t want to raise children with someone who can’t “exist with the normal fragrances that are part of daily life,” so even if we set aside the “Kara is a hypochondriac” hypothesis, you’ve apparently realized something pretty significant about your future together. Part of me wants to argue that things like changing deodorant brands and occasionally leaving parties early because your hosts used artificial air fresheners aren’t so challenging that they’re worth ending an otherwise good relationship over, although I can understand the difficulties of finding certain smells relaxing or anxiety-relieving when your partner can’t abide them. But if you consider this a deal breaker, I don’t want to try to convince you to stay with her, mostly for her sake—I think she deserves a partner who finds accommodating her fragrance sensitivity manageable, and who doesn’t assume a temporary respite in her triggers means she’s been faking migraines. I think you should do your best to put your suspicions aside and enjoy your relationship with Kara, but if you can’t, do her a favor and let her find someone else.
