agonyaunt | Entries tagged with dear amy

Dear Readers: The following Q&A first ran in 2014. It has been flying around the world, shared on various platforms, ever since.

Dear Amy: Every fall, my sister, cousins and a cousin’s sister-in-law have a weekend shopping excursion in our home city. We stay in a hotel, treat ourselves, shop for our children and go out for lunches and dinners. It is a great time to reconnect.

I have a sister “Wendy,” who we do not invite. She is offended to the point of tears when she finds we have not invited her. My two sisters and I are very close in age, but Wendy hasn’t been as close to this set of cousins as my sister and I have been through the years. We are all married stay-at-home moms. Wendy is a divorced, working mom with one young child.

There are several reasons we do not include her. We know she doesn’t have very much money for such an outing. She also does not have many of the same interests as we do. Her life is quite different from ours. We’re not interested in what she has to talk about. She claims to have some kind of neurological disease that some of us feel is more psychosomatic than real and which she uses to avoid getting up for church on Sundays. She also complains about her ex-husband who left her for another woman, but everyone knows it takes “two to tango” and she is not without fault. We’re all very active churchgoers, while she only sporadically attends services. Plain and simple, she does not really fit in with us.

She takes it very personally, and last year even came over to my home unannounced crying about it, which upset my children and caused my husband to threaten to call the police if she did not leave. Now she barely speaks to me and has told our relatives that I am a horrible person (even though I’ve helped her). How can we get her to understand that she should perhaps find another set of friends whose lives and interests align more closely with hers?

— Sad Sister

( Read more... )

conuly

1. Dear Miss Manners: I am expecting houseguests, and their visit will include a Sunday morning. Normal Sunday mornings for us include a church service; we only stay home if someone in the house is ill or the roads are unsafe due to weather.

Our guests will be invited to join us at church, but if they decline, ought I stay at home with them? Or is it acceptable to leave them at the house with a generous supply of coffee, pastries and the Sunday paper?

( Read more... )

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2. Dear Amy: All of the kids in our family were brought up with religion not being a part of our lives. We are all over 60 now and recently my wife and I were invited over for Easter dinner at my sister’s place. Suddenly, my brother-in-law starts saying grace. It’s not important to me, so I just sat there. After dinner was over, my sister said to me, “You could at least have bowed your head.”

Religion was never a part of our family and I felt it wrong for her to all of a sudden expect me to have to bend to their new beliefs. I don’t care if they say grace, it’s just not my thing. Your thoughts?
— No Grace for Me

( WTF Amy )

conuly

Dear Amy: I was married to a wonderful woman for 30 years. We raised five children together and had our ups and downs, but overall I felt that we had a solid marriage.

After our youngest left the nest my wife, almost immediately, became a different person. I know she had a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. She befriended single women and started going out frequently. She lost interest in saving the marriage. This went on for four or five years, and then she decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore and got her own apartment, but we stayed friendly. I tried to make the transition as smooth as possible, but I’ll admit that I had an ulterior motive to reconcile.

During the eight years since, we’ve halfheartedly attempted numerous reconciliations, but it has never worked out. There has never been any abuse or infidelity. I’ve always felt we got along way too well to give up. The past few years she has been living with her elderly mother. We are in touch multiple times daily and spend time together. She continually says that when she is no longer required to aid her mother that we will spend more time working on reconciliation. That has all been fine with me.

Recently I ran into a friend, and she told me that she saw my ex at a social club with an elderly gentleman, which naturally got my attention. She said that they were clearly on a date and that my ex “was really dressed up and looked great.” My question for you is, is it time to give up? I’ve been avoiding her these past few days and I’m struggling with how to approach this.

— Dazed and Confused

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a bright, high-functioning 16-year-old daughter.

I have been teaching her how to perform basic household chores (I do the same with our 12-year-old son), and some basic cooking and cleaning skills in order to have some help at home, but mainly so that our kids will understand that everyone in the family pitches in, and that it’s important to have some life-skills. I am a stay-at-home parent and a busy volunteer at their school.

At first I thought our daughter didn’t understand some of these basic instructions, which I had shown her and then written down. She just couldn’t seem to get things right. She used floor cleaner on the stove, left wet paper towels on the wooden dining room table, damaging it, and a few other mess-ups like “forgetting” to put wet laundry in the dryer, but leaving it on the floor, instead.

Then I overheard her bragging to her cousin that she was purposely messing up in order to get me to back off. I am furious. My husband thinks she’s being clever and doesn’t want to punish her. What do you think I should do now?

– Disgusted

( Read more... )

conuly

1. Dear Amy: I recently graduated with my master’s. My mother and mother-in-law flew separately to my graduation from the other side of the country. I am grateful they both came, but while my MIL was here she made repeated comments that I felt put down my degree.

She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time. She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day. I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.

After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.

I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked. She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job. I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?

– Recent Grad

( Read more... )

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2. Dear Amy: My son married “Marian,” who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter. In spite of her attitude toward us, we have been very generous with them because we adore our three grandchildren and have a great relationship with them. We’ve paid for summer camp and all the extracurricular activities for the children, along with the down payment for their house.

However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts.

I know I put up with too much disrespect from both of them for many years, just to be able to see the grandchildren. Recently our young granddaughter seemed proud about scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it he said, ”It’s none of your business.” This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won’t let the children have contact with us.

– Hurting

( Read more... )

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3. Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house and while cleaning I’ve seen the handbag in her closet. This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her.

It is obvious about what transpired: While she and my son bought luxurious gifts for her family, she went shopping in her closet for me.

She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot). I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.

A part of me just wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly “regift,” which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.

I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?

– Lonely Purse

( Read more... )

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4. Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she's being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough "I'm fine" armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.

Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I've never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn't ask for or take suggestions well, so I've always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children's lives.

Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. -- Concerned Grammy

( Read more... )

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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister-in-law I no longer speak to due to the fact that she thought she was entitled to my deceased mother's belongings. My mother died of old age about a year ago and didn't leave a will, so my brother, sister and I had to divide her belongings. My siblings and I didn't have issues with this task, but my sister-in-law caused problems.

I wanted the dining room table because we grew up eating our meals around it, and I had many fond memories. However, my sister-in-law wanted it because she was remodeling their kitchen and thought it would look good in their house. My brother was indifferent about the table and didn't care whether he got it. We started arguing about it and eventually came to the decision that I would get the table. For the remainder of the division of my mother's things, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. It's been this way for over a year. Is there any way we can resolve this when she won't speak to me? -- Inheritance

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6. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What’s the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Amy: My wife and I got married right after college and quickly welcomed our first child.

I knew that having kids would take all of my wife’s attention, therefore, I did not want any more children.

But shortly after the first child came baby number two.

At that point I got a vasectomy.

Twenty years later, I have built a very successful career, while my wife chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids.

She has taken the lead with the kid’s activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do.

She has held various low-paying, “do good”-type positions in the community.

She has a lot of skills and did not have to compromise her career for the children.

There are a lot of successful women doing it all.

My wife has nothing to show for working year after year.

I am very resentful of her career choices and have expressed this many times.

I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse.

Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it.

My wife now has decided to pursue a second degree so she can increase her skills.

I told her that I would help her start a small business if she abandoned going back to school.

She declined.

I do not feel obligated to pay for her education, which I could easily do. She is taking out student loans, but she will never be able to catch up to my salary.

Am I being unreasonable for not helping, and for feeling so resentful toward her?

– Resentful Husband

( Wow, I hate this man so much )

conuly

Dear Amy,

Am I racist?

A couple of teenagers were at my front door, and I shouted to my husband: "Hey, there are some Black kids at the door, and I don't have time to deal with them."

Kids at the door in my neighborhood are usually selling something or are looking for yard work.

My biracial future daughter-in-law was present when I did this and took offense. Apparently, behind my back, she and my stepson discussed how "un-woke" I am.

Anyway, I love these two so much that as soon as I learned she had been offended, I immediately sent a note of apology to her.

I am in my 60s and was raised in the South.

My grandfather referred to all Black people using the N word.

However, I was active in civil rights during my youth.

I was the first white student at my high school who insisted to be put on bathroom cleaning duty just like the students of color had to. (The white students got to work in the office.)

As a reporter for a newspaper in the South, I had a gun pulled on me as I was covering a boycott of white businesses.

But these kids have never bothered to ask.

I meant no harm referring to these teens as "Black kids."

I don't enjoy receiving a lecture on being "woke" from two suburban Midwesterners, one of whom has traveled the world working with the disadvantaged.

I know their hearts are in the right place, but what about giving someone the benefit of a doubt, before inferring they are racist?

( Read more... )

movingfinger

Dear Amy: My daughter said she got the wedding of her dreams.

Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate her nuptials.

It was lovely in every respect, and both her mother and I were thrilled that things went as she wanted.

However, she was so caught up as the center of attention that she ignored the common tradition of greeting each table and saying a few words to their guests.( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 40 years.

We have two daughters in their 30s.

I happily was a stay-at-home mom, and my husband was a busy physician. Although busy, he and I never missed a sporting or school event that our daughters participated in.

We traveled, gave them every opportunity in life, and they had a wonderful childhood.

Or so we thought.

My youngest informed me last night that she had some “childhood trauma” (she couldn’t give me an example) that she is going into therapy for.

She also informed me that her older sister told her that she had a horrible childhood.

My oldest has in the past been very disrespectful and dismissive of both my husband and me. She has never provided a reason for her attitude.

She is mother to our only grandchildren, whom we adore.

Could her father and I have gotten it so wrong?

I’m beyond devastated. Thoughts?

– Totally Confused Mom

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Amy: I have been married to my husband for four years. His entire family hates me. He was raised a strict Mormon but left the church long before he met me. Yet his family openly blames me for "making him " turn his back on religion.

They are upset with me because I will not have any more children (my husband does not have biological children of his own). They ignore me any time we are around them, even at our wedding. How can I get them to see that they are toxic, and it's not all me, as they constantly claim? — Frustrated in Washington

( Read more... )

raine

Dear Amy: My husband is an identical twin. He is very close to his twin brother, "Chet." Chet is married and has three children. His wife is a spoiled millennial with a short fuse and unpredictable moods. My husband and I have tried for children for a decade now, with no luck. I take issue with something I feel I can't talk to my husband about without him getting defensive and upset. We are very good to his brother's family, attending the kids' games, events and birthday parties. I gave up going on vacation this year so his brother and kids could go with my husband instead of me. We give gifts to the kids, and for Chet and his wife's birthdays. (I'm lucky to get a text message on my birthday.) For Christmas, we dropped more than $200 on gifts for them. My husband and I received nothing from them. I give so much throughout the year! Do we just continue to be neglected because we don't have kids? I felt like I was kicked in the gut leaving the Christmas 'gift exchange' with nothing. Am I being too sensitive, or are my feelings warranted? What is the best way to communicate this to my husband without him feeling like I'm attacking his brother/family? - Flying Solo

( Read more... )

cereta

Dear Amy: My beloved father-in-law passed away a few months ago. Before he died, he was bedridden for several years. He received a handicap parking permit. During the years of his sickness, mom proudly displayed it whenever she parked, even though dad was not with her.

Now that he has died, she still uses it everywhere she goes, even though she is very healthy and walks 2 miles every day.

Recently, my wife and I took her out to dinner. I was very embarrassed when she pulled the permit out and told me to park in the handicap space. I offered to drop her off at the door and park in a normal spot. She would have none of it.

To avoid an argument, I parked in a handicap space. Afterward, I vowed not to do that again because it is illegal and wrong. My wife thinks that I am overreacting. She wants to appease her mother and believes the permit reminds her of dad. Please help.

— In a Quandary

Dear Quandary: A parking permit is a strange totem to attach emotional meaning to. Perhaps you should simply assume that your mother-in-law is attached to the convenience of illegally using a handicap permit.

When you are transporting people in your own car, you get to say how and where you will park. Your offer to drop off your mother-in-law at the entrance was the appropriate gesture to make. Your wife could have easily walked with her to the restaurant entrance and waited inside while you parked in a regular spot.

Because you know it was wrong of you to park in the handicap spot, you might have made your point clearly if you had told the group before the meal: "I feel terrible about taking up that spot while we are sitting here eating. I'm going to move the car now. When we leave, I'll retrieve it and pick you up at the entrance, if you don't want to walk."

cereta

( Misogyny like whoa )

amadi

Dear Amy: My wife's daughter (age 26) has lived with us for the past five years. She pays rent of $400, including everything. Her boyfriend of three years also lives with his parents, but he pays them no rent. They party every weekend, and then she stays the weekend at her boyfriend's parents house.

I added tougher rules at our house in hopes they would get a place of their own. It hasn't happened. We don't allow him to spend the night here and we insist that when we go to bed, he must go home. He bought her a "promise ring," I believe to keep her from nagging about their next step.

I love my stepdaughter, but as a parent I feel we need to give her a bigger push to move out and become self-sufficient. She talks about staying here until her school loan is paid off, but at the rate she's paying, it would be a decade before that happens.

I seriously believe her boyfriend has no intention of ever moving from his parents' house. It seems so strange to me that they don't seem to want a place of their own. I try and encourage our daughter to save money so that they could buy a house, but each time I bring it up, she gets defensive.

Any suggestions?

— Frustrated in Portland, OR

Dear Frustrated: The last thing you should do is encourage your stepdaughter to cohabit with her boyfriend. Nor should you point her/them toward buying a house. Her boyfriend sounds completely dependent on his parents, and you can assume that he will remain so.

These two are not candidates for cohabitation or homeownership.

The way to put the squeeze on your renter is to gradually increase her rent until she is paying roughly market value. Then it will be obvious that she can afford to live elsewhere. You can discuss this with her as a family, helping her to set goals and a timeline, and then you should start the clock running. Depending on where you live, she might be able to afford to rent a room in a group house. This would be a good option for her; it would get her further out in the world and might provide an incentive to work more, party less and get on with her (own) life. I assume she would prefer this to you and her mother controlling her romantic choices in your home.

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Agony Aunt

Entries tagged with dear amy

Holy judgeballs

Two letters on guests and prayer/church

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Inlaws, inlaws, inlaws!

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Dear Amy: I Need to Discipline my 34-Year-Old Daughter

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Wife resents brother-in-law and his wife for lack of generosity

Dear Amy: My MiL Misuses a Handicapped Parking Permit

Dear Amy: why do women lie about not wanting to have sex?

Dear Amy: Stepparent wants to give adult daughter the boot

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May 2025

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