Dear Abby: Unhappy Grandma Gets an Eyeful of Son-in-Law Wearing Skivvies

[lilysea]

Dear Abby,

After my future son-in-law moved in with our daughter, my husband and I stopped by unannounced to visit. He answered the door in his underwear and never bothered to go put on a pair of shorts. We didn't say anything and, of course, didn't stay long.

It was close to Christmas, so we bought him a robe and my husband jokingly told him, "We figured you didn't have one since you stay in your underwear when we're here." Even after that, he still does it.

I finally told my daughter, "Since he can't take a hint, please tell him to put on clothes when I'm coming over." Since then, when we've stopped by (dropping off the grandbabies) he still doesn't put shorts on.

It happened again today. I asked him to please throw on some shorts, and his response was, "You're killing me in my own house," but he did do it. They rely on us to help with our granddaughters, but I'm fed up with having to see him in his underwear. I also don't think he should go around that way around his 6-year-old stepdaughter and his 2-month-old daughter. What are your thoughts on this? -- HURTING EYES IN FLORIDA

DEAR HURTING EYES: Because you are doing your daughter and her husband the favor of looking after the grandkids, and you have let them know you prefer not seeing your son-in-law in his undies, your wishes should be respected. However, different families have different standards regarding attire around the house, and you shouldn't judge him for what he chooses to wear in the privacy of his home when you are not around.

Comments

[lilysea]

I have questions:

What's the climate like? hot? humid? does he have aircon? can they afford to run it? Is LW originally from a cooler climate?

Does son in law have any skin issues or sensory issues or pain issues?

What are the undies in question? Boxer shorts/boxer briefs are pretty respectable, they cover butt and genitals just as thoroughly as shorts.

Is it possible that LW tends to overstay her welcome, and the wearing undies is a way to make sure that she actually LEAVES?

[ellen_fremedon]

Is it possible that LW tends to overstay her welcome, and the wearing undies is a way to make sure that she actually LEAVES?

The first time this happened, she says she'd stopped by unannounced--I'm betting the son-in-law didn't get dressed that time to discourage her from coming in at all. But not only did she not take the hint, she bought him a bathrobe and kept twitting him about it. So now it's become a thing where he's not going to get dressed because that would be admitting she had had the right to come over uninvited and still expect his full hospitality.

[jadelennox]

When my mother moved closer to me, I flat out told her that if she dropped by unannounced ever, she might not like what she saw. And she never has.

[lilysea]

I just noticed that they're in FLORIDA - so hot AND humid. I think a lot of slack should be cut if the son in law doesn't have aircon, or can't afford to run it!

[shirou]

Putting on clothes for a visitor, even an unannounced visitor, is a pretty normal expectation. If the son-in-law is trying to communicate that the LW is unwelcome, either because she drops by unannounced or because she stays too long, then doing so by remaining undressed is passive aggressive bs - not an acceptable substitute for a real conversation about privacy and boundaries. (Although clearly not all her visits are unannounced; the SIL should have expected she would return his kids to him.) "You're killing me in my own house" is also ridiculously over-dramatic. Personally, I think the SIL is a jerk. The LW should hold fast to her entirely reasonably request that he wear clothes when she's there and not let his petulance get to her.

[jadelennox]

I don't like either of them. Answering the door in your underwear can be actionable in some parts of the US, and is creepy around a six-year-old stepdaughter. Creepy enough to be a red flag, when the kid is that old. But dropping by unannounced and giving passive aggressive gifts is also pretty shitty.

[shirou]

I agree they've both done things wrong, but I think the son-in-law is far worse. After some initial missteps, the LW's behavior improved. She stopped dropping hints and attempted to initiate an adult conversation with a simple, direct, and completely reasonable request. By contrast, the son-in law kept degenerating into further petulance. He dug in, first ignoring the request, and then blowing up.

[kutsuwamushi]

I agree with this one. Different families have different standards - in some families you would never see your parents in their underwear, while in others, underwear is just normal, around-the-house wear. Grandma needs to get over the idea that her standards are universal and objectively right.

Personally, I kind of wish that my family was more open about this. I was raised in a family where we just never saw each other less than fully dressed, and I think I might have a healthier attitude toward my body if I didn't get the idea that it should always be "hidden." (I mean, I was never shamed for anything, but ... you absorb things, as a kid.)

[movingfinger]

The 6-year-old stepdaughter doesn't need to see Stepdad hanging in his underwear, no matter what kind it is. Boxers can also reveal quite a lot of what's in them.

The LW should talk to her daughter and ask her why the man cannot wear pants around other people. Yes, it's his home. It's also his children's home.

LW should stop viewing this as a personal affront and start considering it a boundary violation. She should continue with the child care and listen carefully to them.

[minoanmiss]

Huh. My father hung out at home in his underwear, and of all the things I think my parents did wrong, that's not one of them. I don't think this is necessarily some precursor to sexual abuse or something.

Honestly, what worries me about SIL's attitude is not the underwear but the intransigence.

[lilysea]

Boxers can also reveal quite a lot of what's in them.

Really? I'm wondering if this is a US/Australia uses language differently thing?

I'm picturing something like this:

[lilysea]

Of course, it could also be different cultural norms:

our former prime minister wore these to public beaches on a regular basis while he was the sitting Prime Minister:

www.frasercoastchronicle.com.au/news/tony-dons-those-budgie-smugglers-in-bay-challenge/1353602/

[the_rck]

Those are longer and tighter in the legs than what I think of as boxers, but I get the impression (looking at Amazon) that length varies wildly. I don't think my husband's boxers go more than an inch below the crotch. Depending on how he's sitting, the dangly bits can be visible when he's only wearing the boxers.

[eleanorjane]

I must admit, maybe it's a cultural norms thing, maybe my family were just weird, but I don't quite get the stress over the kids seeing their step/father in his underwear.

I saw my parents naked - stepping out of the shower as I'd barge in to ask a question (children: not patient!), going in to wake them up in the morning, talking to them while they were getting dressed, whatever. It reduced in incidence significantly as I got older, but there was never a sense of shame or prurience about it. Bodies are bodies; we all have them in some conformation, and treating them as Automatically Sexual is not obligatory.

That said, I do think it's a dick move (heh) of the SIL not to dress when hosting guests, even unwelcome ones, but that's a courtesy and manners thing, not a think-of-the-children thing.

[minoanmiss]

This is what I was flailing at trying to say. Admittedly I have a monkey in this circus -- I'm helping raise children who are not biologically mine, and I would be massively dismayed to be expected to be fully-dressed-with-bra around them every waking moment or somehow be A Dire Influence. Sometimes they barge in when I'm dressing or they climb into my bed after a nightmare while I'm just wearing a ratty T-shirt and panties. I really don't think this is sexual or otherwise inappropriate.

But I'd never be seen by their grandparents in my underwear!

[cereta]

We live in a house with one bathroom and a fairly crowded upper floor. The lack of concern about nudity in our house is breathtaking. I have and would been braless and in a pretty short nighty around my in-laws, but we lived together in AZ, in a house with an inefficient AC. Weirdly, I am much less casual at my mom's house these days.