agonyaunt | Dear Prudence: EPIC TREE WAR

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Dear Prudence: EPIC TREE WAR

Q. Passive-aggressive Christmas ornaments: I have had an exclusively beach-themed Christmas tree for about 15 years because it matches my home's decor and, quite frankly, I'm a bit obsessed with all things seaside. All my ornaments are sentimental, from trips and the times I've lived by the ocean. I had children a few years ago (who are ocean-themed-named), and my mother-in-law wanted to start getting them ornaments. To my horror, last year she got each of them several forest critter ornaments and aggressively asked why they weren't on the tree. When I capitulated and put them in not-visible areas, she got upset and moved them up front. She is generally domineering toward me, and this is just one more bizarre outlet for her.

My husband doesn't want to get in the middle (he doesn't care about Christmas anyway), and I have floated a small tabletop tree idea for the girls, but he's not wild about that either. I am really thinking about the long-term—these ornaments could pile up and take over my theme, which would make me sad. I take a lot of joy from my mermen, octopuses, flamingos, etc. Am I being unreasonable, or should I make a stand?

A: On the one hand, I don't love that your husband has attempted to stay out of "the middle." Saying he doesn't care about Christmas but continuing to let the two of you plan it, while he presumably still shows up/eats the food/looks at the decorations/marks the holiday with you, strikes me as a little weaselly. But on the other hand, I can’t join you in a sentiment like "To my horror, my children received forest-themed tree ornaments." Even if your mother-in-law is a really difficult person, I don't think this is the battleground to start with. If there are other areas where you'd like to say no to her and you want to enlist your husband's perspective and support, by all means have at it. And by all means limit the number of her ornaments you put on the tree if they're threatening to tip the tree over. But adding, say, three to five stoat- and pine marten–themed ornaments to an otherwise consistently marine Christmas-scape isn't going to hurt. Figure out the important things you need to change, talk to your husband about helping you maintain a polite, relatively friction-free relationship with his family, and let this one go.

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*hands out popcorn and crackers*

LOL

Myself, I would go for the separate smaller tree for the kiddies idea, that was my thought too when I read of the LW's dilemma.

(also, what an overbearing MIL, sheesh!)

Oh, and the LW could even argue that "oh it's to show the ornaments to their best advantage, otherwise, I feel they get lost/overlooked amongst all the beach-themed ones" :P

Holy shit????? This reminds me of that Reddit question about the guy who put his dick in a jar of peanut butter.

I cannot believe that a letter starting with that first sentence could make me have an opinion even roughly in defense of the letter-writer, but... I think DP is wrong here.

The letter-writer is a bit nuts for being stuck on her whole-house decor theme, but it's still her house and her Christmas tree. If this was about her children asking or wanting to put ornaments of their choice on the tree that didn't match her theme, I would feel a lot less charitable towards her, although she could still maybe negotiate with them. But there's no indication how the children feel about it at all, and absent that, nobody's mother-in-law has the right to dictate what goes on their Christmas tree or where.

The ornament is a small issue that would be a non-issue for most people, but the key is that her MIL knows it is important to the LW, which makes this a deliberate attempt to violate her boundaries. MIL is trying to show dominance by trying to find a way to piss off the LW that she can get away with in order to trap the LW between capitulating and letting MIL 'win' or looking like the asshole. And the mere fact that she's trying to play a fucked-up game like that means the LW should squash the attempt calmly and without justifying or arguing.

Also, I hope this woman looks around more and finds some tips about dealing with a partner who thinks they can recuse themselves from conflict between their own parent and their spouse.

Holy shit????? This reminds me of that Reddit question about the guy who put his dick in a jar of peanut butter.

Wait, what?

context is that a guy and his gf decided to put his dick in a jar of peanut butter which was labelled with his name and he then returned to the pantry. roommate ate his peanut butter, even though it was labelled, and then got grossed out about the owner of said peanut butter having put his dick in his own peanut butter.

There are layers. I'm on the side of the peanut butter dick person in that one. It was labelled! This is a good example of why you do not eat food that is not yours.

And I'm on the side of beach-theme tree person here. You like what you like and your MIL can have her very own Christmas tree in her very own space. Or the kids can have their own tree with all the kid-made ornaments they will make in school and the ornaments from their grandmother.

*falls off chair in hysterics* omg, what a roommate battle, omg. I can't even.

Yeah. It's memorable enough that I knew exactly what

cimorene was referring to immediately. And cackled the whole time I was looking for it. :)

LOL and I mean--peanut butter is inexpensive--why didn't the roommate buy his own?

I'd not eat another person's peanut butter, first, of course, because it's theirs, and second, some people lick the knife, etc....(although a scenario such as this one would have never occurred to me!) :P

I just read that for the first time (yes, to quote XKCD< I'm in the lucky 10000, er dubious luck in this case) and I don't understand why it got rated an "Everyone Sucks"

Ifhe had done it to try to catch out the roomates that would be one thing but he was using but it's clearly explained that he and GF were using the peanut butter for their own pleasure and it had nothing to do with the roommate (except for the part where because of the label there was a reasonable expectation of roomate should either respect that or be forewarned)

Dubious luck indeed. :) sorry?

Even without the whole 'putting his genitals in the food' bit, roomie shouldn't eat someone else's labeled food. Stealing someone's food item they were not using for food pourposes is just another reason to leave their stuff alone.

The thing that decisively tipped the balance for me into NTA was that it was an entire separate section. You shouldn't have to label "this is the sex condiment" in your dedicated cupboard.

I don't think that's the reason why we don't eat other people's food, although it's a good object lesson in not doing so. Ew all around.

It was viral on Twitter and Tumblr. https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/e51ad8/aita_for_putting_my_penis_in_peanut_butter_and/

Yeah, I feel like LW's insistence on the seaside theme is a little bit nutty, but it's her house and the MIL is deliberately trying to mess with how she wants her house.

Yes, this. I admit that when I read this I cracked up laughing, but I do think the LW has not done anything wrong and has a right to the dream tree she's created, unlike the misdeeds of husband (by inaction) and MIL (by action, to say the least).

it's time for a separate tree for the children - who cares what the husband thinks, since he's abdicating any responsibility or interest in the whole subject - personally, I'd say he needs to step up and tell his mother to back off, but that's me

so yeah - a small tree with ornaments picked out or made by the children, and the forest critter ornaments can have pride of place there.

Or a small tree for each child, in their own room! My grandmother gave each of us a two-footer when we were young, and it was great (mind you, it was more often that we wanted to have a strict theme for a tree and Mom and Dad wanted massive chaos on the big one, but it was great and I still put the little one up every year) and we could take it on to college and first apartments too.

I think there could be a cultural divide between LW and MIL; some family christmas trees are "all the sentimental ornaments, who cares how it looks" and some are "carefully chosen and designed theme". I have always been Type 1 but Type 2 people aren't *wrong*, and it's not like it would have been hard for MIL to find ornaments that fit the theme.

This is clearly MIL being a petty tyrant towards LW. It's just in such a hilarious manner I had to laugh (but I wouldn't laugh if LW were discussing this with me).

"I know what'll show that impudent twit my son married! I'LL MESS UP HER CHRISTMAS TREE THEME!" omg what. *giggles helplessly*

It probably was more like "My DIL is so obsessed with her weird decorating compulsions that she won't let my grandchildren enjoy a PROPER Christmas with a FAMILY tree that they can ALL enjoy, I must do something about this!"

I mean, if you tried to marry into anywhere in my mom's family with a strictly themed tree that didn't let kids put their own ornaments on, you would probably get a lot of that kind of thing muttered behind your back. Especially if you had named your kids to match the theme.

MIL is not *right*, but she probably has convinced herself she's standing up for a (silly) important principle.

These aren't even the kids' ornaments, though. They're ornaments the MIL bought that happen to have the kids' names on them.

If the KIDS had picked out the ornaments, the LW would be the asshole.

But LW had kids "a few years ago," which means they're probably fairly young, and the MIL picked out the ornaments AND THEN "GOT UPSET" AND MOVED THEM INTO MORE PROMINENT POSITIONS ON THE TREE when LW diplomatically put them on the tree, but in an unobtrusive place.

This is a dominance move by the MIL, and I have zero sympathy for her -- picking "several" forest-critter-themed ornaments for each ocean-named child is not an accident . . . and if it had been, "getting upset" and redecorating the LW's tree is boundary-trampling.

(Why, yes, my mother has been very critical of my home-decor skills/choices over the years, why do you ask? LOL. She's actually a master-level amateur decorator, and her house IS beautiful and tasteful and full of gorgeous antiques -- but I like my action figures, framed Nagel posters, weird dolls, and Halloween tat, and I'm not interested in making my house into a hyper-clean museum of decorative vases and silk flowers!)

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Well said in all particulars!

But I can't stop giggling.

Give her not a single inch!

The small tree for the kids does sound like a great idea, and it's entirely okay if the kids don't want that to become a proxy war battlefield for Grandma's weird war on Mom's harmless preferences.

MIL is trolling. Tree decorations can be put up in a variety of ways in a variety of places. If hubs isn't on board with another smaller tree (I mean I'd do it anyway since he won't get off his ass and get involved) then he can find somewhere else for his mother's deccies to hang. Pin them to the wall, a banister, a cork board, whatever.

Okay, two preliminary comments:

1. This woman is not getting out of her children's childhood in one piece if she doesn't learn to let go. Based on what I'm guessing the kid's ages are, they are about to start having Opinions about their clothes, their Halloween costumes ($5 says she's dressed at least one of them as a mermaid/merman already), their room decor, and all the things that are going to disrupt her obsession. And I mean, I did some heavy-duty indoctrination of the child, so I get it, but she still wants to watch the Kardashians.

2. Also, she needs to start processing NOW that the house is the family's house. Apparently, her husband either is content to let her have her obsession or just doesn't care, but she's going to need to learn to give on the shared space a little. It's the kids' house, too.

Those things said, I think the LW is to some extent looking for a line in the sand to draw with her MiL, something concrete that will let her start taking back control. I am beyond unimpressed that husband is washing his hands of the situation, and I think it's serious enough to warrant both a Come to Jesus talk and some counseling. She can't be the only one drawing boundaries when MiL is just going to walk right over them.

As others said, if the LW had refused to add the kids' actual ornaments to the tree (as in ornaments the kids chose or made or otherwise delighted in), I'd be much less sympathetic to her. And she does need to expand her conceptions, as you pointed out.

But/and I can understand having one thing that makes one happy, and maybe the tree is it for her. More importantly, "Those things said, I think the LW is to some extent looking for a line in the sand to draw with her MiL, something concrete that will let her start taking back control. " is why I said I was handing out crackers in my first comment. It's pretty clear the MIL has been pushing on the LW for awhile, and they're both at BEC level vs each other. It's just that envisioning the Christmas tree as the scene for the climactic battle keeps making me giggle and giggle and also giggle.

Edited 2019-12-18 00:25 (UTC)

Oh, believe me, in terms of her struggle with her MIL, I am entirely on her side. And I can even see this being a line in the sand. I mean, I have lines that I'm sure people in my family found/find silly (even as I have to carefully prepare my child so she doesn't run right over their parenting lines, whoo boy). But I'm also a parent who had some lines when my child was tiny that I gleefully jumped right over with her only to find some joy in them (see icon).

And I'm also (as you know, Bob) someone who knows from obsessions. I mean, people here are giggling about the ocean-themed names, and so did I a little, but let's face it: I named my child after a Stephen King character. And I'm beyond grateful that my wee one has, in fact, become a horror fan, but I was really bracing myself for the day when I had to admit that I had never, in fact, read enough Judy Blume to recommend them.

Honestly, I think LW kind of needs to separate things out a bit. Her kids will be bringing home homemade ornaments soon enough (and let me tell you: my kid brother was doggedly hanging his huge plaster oval with an impression of a leaf onto my mother's tree well into his thirties), so she needs to figure out how she's going to deal with the tree in general. I like the idea of giving each child a mini-tree for their own rooms, and letting them choose ornaments for them. And then she needs to metaphorically whap her husband upside the head until he takes some damn responsibility in their family.

(And yes, I giggled, too. ;)

Ugh. I am super unimpressed with both LW and MIL, and for once I sympathize with the husband staying out of it. I wouldn’t want to get between those two either.

I kind of want to agree, but... what if his mother countermands his wife on something important, like feeding a child something the child is allergic to? I do think his wife should know her husband has her back.

That said, the tree as the site of this battle keeps making me giggle.

Well, if MIL crosses an important boundary, then of course the husband has to step in. But I don't agree that couples need to be united in all things. Sometimes something is important to one person and not the other. This beach theme seems like just such an occurrence!

What if the husband doesn't think a beach theme is worth fighting over? (I'd agree with him.) I think it's okay for husband to say he's happy to go along with a beach-themed tree, but if this is the battleground LW is choosing, he's not showing up for the fight.

I LOVE THIS. And also totally, little Sandy and Moana and Shale can have their own trees with their own ornaments and then when they come up with *their* own themes and Moana only wants red and white ornaments and Sandy only wants things they made, MIL can stew.

"Sandy and Moana and Shale" omgomgomg *wheezes with laughter*

Sorry, should have used the correct icon.

This post keeps getting better and better.

This is one of the few times I have a solution that my own (wacky and strange) mother initiated that actually works.

My mother was super into her tree. And frankly as a kid it wasn't my tree, or even the family tree, it was mom's tree (or tangentially my parents). And my mom got us ornaments every year she put in a box for our own tree, someday. And that is my suggestion. All the ornaments with kids names on them, all ornaments made by children, all ornaments bought with them in mind are put into a box to be given to them when they either move out of the house or pass the age of 18. Mom gets to have her themed tree, kids get a keepsake box where all their precious items go for their future trees.

*commits to memory*

I'm team LW here. The ocean tree brings her joy, let her keep her ocean tree filled with nothing but oceaned themed decor!

The kids can have small trees each, and free reign within the margins of safety [no electrical hazards, no trip hazards]

Tell MIL "I don't want tree ornaments as presents. Any tree ornaments that you give me will go straight to the Op Shop" and STICK TO IT.

:waves: While I agree that MiL is being a bit of a beach here, I dune think that this is the the place to draw a line in the sand. I think things could get rocky if you did, so I shell suggest what others have - trees for the kids, that they can spray with all the other ornaments. Save getting crabby for the things that really matter, where it's clear she's really violating your boundaries on porpoise. I understand you needed to get this off your chest - you treasure your theme, and that's good!

*splorfle*

Tsunamis of applause!!

is swept away by a flood of puns

*WHEEZING NOISES*

Sounds like the theme is more important than the season to the LW.

So let her have otters and bears eating salmon.

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Dear Prudence: EPIC TREE WAR

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