minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2020-08-27 12:38 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-08-27 12:38 pm
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Dear Prudence: I gave my husband's cousin money I shouldn't've
Dear Prudence,
received an unexpected Facebook message from my husband’s cousin asking for money. I see him once or twice a year and we’ve always had pleasant exchanges. He’s definitely made some poor decisions, but it all seemed like typical young-guy stuff. After talking with him, it really seemed like he was trying to get his life together, and I sent him some money. My husband was very angry when he found out and called his family. Come to find out, this guy stole a valuable family heirloom from his father in an attempt to pawn it and was kicked out of the house after his parents filed charges. He’s been spending all his money on drugs since then. Apparently he’s also been making threats to family members who are refusing to give him money. Prudie, I feel terrible for sending him money that he’s almost certainly going to blow on drugs, but I had no idea any of this was going on. But what I really feel bad about is that his parents, who are going through so much right now, are insisting on paying us back. I know they don’t have the money to do so, and I never expected to be paid back anyway, but they are insisting. They’re also mad at me for not coming to them first. The thought of going home for the holidays this year is upsetting to me, and I’m trying to convince my husband that it’s a good idea for me to stay with my family this year and let him visit his family alone. He doesn’t like this idea and thinks I need to get over it and “learn my lesson.” What do you think?
—Payback
While your husband shouldn’t be framing a holiday visit as a way to ensure you “learn your lesson,” I do think you could have handled this situation differently. Even without knowing the entire story, once you were approached by a member of your husband’s family you barely know with a request for money, the wiser action would have been to speak to your husband about it before writing a check. There was no reason for secrecy on your part—unless you had some idea of what your husband’s response would be—and your husband’s anger is understandable. You shouldn’t feel guilty for trusting your husband’s cousin, who misrepresented himself to you, but you should apologize to your husband for not talking to him about the message until after you’d sent the money. Then the two of you should handle the fallout from this situation as a team.
Your husband knows his family better than you do, so ask for his input in dealing with his cousin’s parents. Is repaying their son’s debts a matter of honor to them? Could you talk them into repaying you slowly so that they aren’t put in a precarious financial situation? Could your husband talk them out of repayment entirely, or would that insult them? They’re in a difficult place right now—ashamed of their son’s behavior, feeling indebted to an in-law they don’t know well. I don’t think avoidance is the right tack to take here (avoidance didn’t work out well for you the last time you tried it). Be honest, and apologetic, and open, and once you get through the initial discomfort, I think you’ll find your relationship with your husband and his family the stronger for it.
received an unexpected Facebook message from my husband’s cousin asking for money. I see him once or twice a year and we’ve always had pleasant exchanges. He’s definitely made some poor decisions, but it all seemed like typical young-guy stuff. After talking with him, it really seemed like he was trying to get his life together, and I sent him some money. My husband was very angry when he found out and called his family. Come to find out, this guy stole a valuable family heirloom from his father in an attempt to pawn it and was kicked out of the house after his parents filed charges. He’s been spending all his money on drugs since then. Apparently he’s also been making threats to family members who are refusing to give him money. Prudie, I feel terrible for sending him money that he’s almost certainly going to blow on drugs, but I had no idea any of this was going on. But what I really feel bad about is that his parents, who are going through so much right now, are insisting on paying us back. I know they don’t have the money to do so, and I never expected to be paid back anyway, but they are insisting. They’re also mad at me for not coming to them first. The thought of going home for the holidays this year is upsetting to me, and I’m trying to convince my husband that it’s a good idea for me to stay with my family this year and let him visit his family alone. He doesn’t like this idea and thinks I need to get over it and “learn my lesson.” What do you think?
—Payback
While your husband shouldn’t be framing a holiday visit as a way to ensure you “learn your lesson,” I do think you could have handled this situation differently. Even without knowing the entire story, once you were approached by a member of your husband’s family you barely know with a request for money, the wiser action would have been to speak to your husband about it before writing a check. There was no reason for secrecy on your part—unless you had some idea of what your husband’s response would be—and your husband’s anger is understandable. You shouldn’t feel guilty for trusting your husband’s cousin, who misrepresented himself to you, but you should apologize to your husband for not talking to him about the message until after you’d sent the money. Then the two of you should handle the fallout from this situation as a team.
Your husband knows his family better than you do, so ask for his input in dealing with his cousin’s parents. Is repaying their son’s debts a matter of honor to them? Could you talk them into repaying you slowly so that they aren’t put in a precarious financial situation? Could your husband talk them out of repayment entirely, or would that insult them? They’re in a difficult place right now—ashamed of their son’s behavior, feeling indebted to an in-law they don’t know well. I don’t think avoidance is the right tack to take here (avoidance didn’t work out well for you the last time you tried it). Be honest, and apologetic, and open, and once you get through the initial discomfort, I think you’ll find your relationship with your husband and his family the stronger for it.