agonyaunt | Entries tagged with affection

Dear Captain,

Like 12 years ago, I (she/her) met a guy (he/him) online dating. He was perfect on paper and I felt sparks, which isn’t very common for me. Due to some mental health stuff he was very open about, he was super flaky. We’d get together a few times, then he would disappear for months. We ended up in that cycle for a while – having a great time for a bit before extended periods of silence. He was always kind, gentle, and non-judgmental and was doing his best. I ended up feeling very strongly connected to him, in a way that I haven’t with most other people.

In late 2015, he discovered that a) a different mental health diagnosis better fit his symptoms, and b) he had late-stage cancer and would be starting aggressive treatment. Things were not smooth sailing, cancer-wise. In summer 2016, he got in touch late in the evening and said he needed some support. I headed over to his neighbourhood and we went for a walk and talked for hours. Things got deep and we both shared a lot. There was some vodka (both of us) and some drugs (him) involved. He was waiting for some test results and expected them to be bad. We ended up in a small park in the middle of the night and things got a bit mutually flirty. And then the heavens opened up and we were caught in a sudden, intense rainstorm. Captain, it was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me. Anyway, we both (him first) expressed interest in touching, made out under a bridge, then went back to his place and naked fun ensued.

A day or two later, I invited him to mine for more no-strings-attached fun. (Bad idea, since I had caught feelings). He enthusiastically agreed, but cancelled before we met up, saying he wasn’t really up to being around people. I assumed he got the test results back and his fears had been confirmed. This time, the silence lasted over three years. I reached out every few months, but never got a response. It broke my heart. I started to wonder if he had cared about me at all. So I stopped reaching out and put him out of my mind. About a year ago, I looked online to see if he was even still alive. I found an obituary, but it was for his girlfriend, who had died unexpectedly a few months prior. I left that man alone.

Then a few days ago, after a tough few weeks – and a dream in which I hit it off with, then got ghosted by Jason Mantzoukas – I was cycling past where he used to live, and got all up in my feelings. I went back to that park, cried, and sat on the grass until my foot got numb and it started to get cold. There’s not much to find online, but I don’t see an obituary. I found a picture that I think is relatively recent and he looks good. Like, lookin’ good, but also looking healthy.

So. Where does casually* reaching out fall on a scale from 1 to This is Bad News Bears and Everyone Knows It But Me? *Saying I was randomly thinking about him recently and asking how he’s doing. No Feelingsbombs.

I know that, usually, when someone stops talking to you, they don’t want to. Is it worth considering he might be too embarrassed about how things went down to reach out? Is there a legitimate possibility that things could be different now, if he is cancer-free and his mental health is mostly under control? Or am I deluding myself because of strong feelings and an idealized relationship that I’ve imagined?

Unbreak My Heart

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conuly

1. Dear Annie: For six years, I've been with a man -- let's call him "Ben." We have one child together and one on the way. I'm frustrated because I do all of the housework even though we're both employed. We divided up expenses. He pays for the house payment and the babysitter when we need one, and I pay for all of the utilities and groceries. I also do most of the childcare tasks.

I don't feel like I should have to ask for him to get off his butt and help; I feel like he should naturally want to help and just do it. I've noticed that when we are around his family, he jumps to help them with anything in a split second. He seems like he would just rather be lazy when it comes to our own home life, expecting me to do all the domestic work.

I'd try talking to him about this, but he's not a talk-about-your-feelings type of guy, more of a sort-your-own-laundry type of guy. In the past, anytime I've brought up anything remotely uncomfortable, he seems to register it as a threat and says something negative directed towards me and not at all helpful to resolving the issue. Advice? -- Unheard Girlfriend

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2. DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years. We rushed into marriage, unfortunately, before getting to know each other very well. Whenever we have a disagreement, he gives me the silent treatment for days. Sometimes, it lasts weeks.

He won't eat anything I cook or help around the house. If I'm in one room, he will lock himself up in another one. He sleeps on the couch or on a pull-out mattress. Eventually, he will end it by returning to our bed and trying to initiate intimacy. I usually accept, but the issue never gets resolved or discussed -- we just carry on. When I've tried discussing the issues, he says, "Don't start!"

I'm fed up with his childish behavior. We have a 7-month-old baby and children from my previous marriage, so it has become increasingly difficult for me to leave him. He's not the type to go to therapy. He will admit we have communication issues, but that's the extent of it. I've reached the point that I no longer care about our marriage, and if I had the means, I'd happily leave. Please help. -- SILENT TREATMENT IN THE NORTHEAST

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3. Dear Prudence,

My fiancé has always been close to his sister, “Becky.” They text each other daily and frequently talk on the phone. They’re twins, and I thought I understood their bond. However, we went to his family’s house for Thanksgiving, and I met Becky for the first time—she’s been working abroad for the past two years and only moved back to the U.S. last month—and to be honest, I was a little freaked out about their closeness. Becky and my fiancé finish each other’s sentences, giggle at their private jokes, and are often physically affectionate. Hugging, kissing on the cheek, holding hands. At one point, Becky even sat on my fiancé’s lap and pretended he was “Santa.” Apparently, it’s an old joke of theirs. I have two brothers, but I’ve never behaved like that with them.

On the drive back from his family’s house, I told my boyfriend that I found the way he interacts with Becky “icky.” He blew up and accused me of having a dirty mind. I apologized, feeling that I overreacted. However, now that we’re back home, I keep thinking about Becky and I do think it’s icky. Should I talk to my fiancé about the ick factor again? I don’t know if I can stand to see Becky sitting on my fiancé’s lap giggling and baby talking at future family functions. It’s too disturbing. I’ve even thought about proposing a tropical vacation instead of the next visit so we can be away from his family. This is the perfect man if he didn’t have that weird dynamic with his sister!

—Too Close for Comfort

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4. Dear Amy: Ever since the #metoo era my husband does not initiate sex. We've talked about this. He says that doing so could be construed as sexual harassment. He doesn't talk about sex or make innuendos. He no longer tells jokes -- he says it is because they could be of a sexual nature and that he doesn't want to be demeaning to women.

When I do want sex, he is quite accommodating, though I have to explicitly tell him what I like, but he never tells me what he likes because, he says, if he says something it may be taken the wrong way. He no longer compliments me (or any other man or woman) on how I (or they) look or dress, which used to be quite forthcoming. He says that he doesn't want to be judgmental.

Other than that, we have a good relationship. He drinks only an occasional beer, and we have great discussions about what's going on in the world, (except for things that concern sex, such as any LGBTQ issues or fashion). If he does complain, it's about something he could have done better. He's in great shape and easy on the eyes. But I miss the easy, loving, uninhibited sex life that we used to share. My husband says he's sorry that he can't be a part of that because times have changed and that his previous behavior is not acceptable for a man anymore. Any suggestions?

– Sad Wife

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5. Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. He has been totally estranged from his mother the whole time I’ve known him. I’ve never met her. Well, his mother started messaging with me on Facebook and she really wants to get back into his life. She wants to apologize for the mistakes she has made. I invited her over to our house without telling my boyfriend. He blew up when he saw her and now says that he wants to break up with me. I was just trying to help mend his relationship with his mom! What can I do to get him to come back?

– Devastated

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6. Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my mid-20’s and I’ve been with my boyfriend since high school. I fell in love with him in ninth grade and (honestly) pursued him for a couple of years until I let him catch me (ha ha).

I’ve always been quite large and overweight, and my weight is a huge issue for him. He only showed an interest in dating me after I had lost a considerable amount of weight in high school. I’ve mainly kept this weight off, but it has been a struggle. I’m down to a size 8.

We are talking about marriage, but he says he will only propose to me if I lose a little more weight. Several of my female family members are overweight, and he says that if I wind up looking like them, he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship. We are super-compatible in every other way. I guess I need a gut check (ha ha) about my relationship. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.

– Wondering Woman

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7. Dear Carolyn: I have been dating a woman long enough that we’ve talked about marriage. I get along well with her family, who live near us. She has never met my family, who do not live near us, and recently I gave her the whole story, that I see them only occasionally and in small doses because of the way they have treated me over the course of my life.

My girlfriend listened to my explanation and said: “You sound like a bratty teenager complaining about your parents. I’m sure they did their best.” I was floored. I feel like her response shows a fundamental lack of empathy for the fact that I wasn’t blessed with a loving family like she was, and it is making me rethink our relationship.

She has apologized for the way she phrased what she said, but I am really wondering if it’s possible for me to have a future with a person who shows such a lack of understanding about something so fundamental to who I am. Do you see a way forward here?

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a 15-year-old girl and had always been an only child until March of this year, when my parents legally adopted their goddaughter after her parents died in an accident. I love “Abby” and have known her since we were tiny, though she lived far away for a long time. Now she’s living with us and we call each other sisters. She’s obviously been in a terrible place emotionally and struggling with grief, but she’s said a few times that she has found happiness here despite everything and that she loves having a big sister (she’s 13). We’re looking forward to Christmas and my parents and I want to make it especially special for Abby.

The problem is my grandparents. They really believe in “blood ties” being the most important thing and have not been welcoming to Abby. Abby and I have birthdays close together, and they sent an expensive present for me and not even a card for her, despite my parents having told them that they have two daughters now. They barely talk to Abby when we see them and referred to her as a “guest” in our home until my mom had a huge fight with them about it.

My parents seem good at standing up to them about this stuff, but I don’t know how to deal with it myself. When I went to visit my grandparents recently, my gran kept going on about how she and my grandpa were desperate to spoil me because they “just know I’m not getting the attention I need at home anymore.” When I said it was fine (my parents still give me plenty of time and we honestly get on great), my grandpa acted like I was “putting a brave face” on things while my gran kept saying how important it was that I got to come to their place and have my own space again. She then made a comment on something I was wearing, noting that it was a lot like a style Abby wears, and asked if I was trying to dress up like her to get my parents’ attention. I’m not! It was just a cute top! I had no idea what to say and just kept trying to change the subject.

I don’t think I’m handling them right, but I don’t know what to do. They keep giving me “secret” presents now because they think my parents will “kick off again” if they find out because they “don’t care about their own daughter anymore.” I find this all really upsetting and confusing, and I don’t know what to do with the gifts because they really press them on me. Sometimes it’s money. I want to split it with Abby and go shopping but I also don’t want to hurt her more by revealing all this stuff my grandparents are giving me while deliberately excluding her. My mom and dad have a lot going on right now, and I’m worried that by telling them about this, it’ll start a huge fight and possibly make Abby feel even worse—she got upset last time she realized there was a fight with my grandparents over her. What should I do? Is there something I can say to my grandparents that will make them stop doing this?

—Torn Granddaughter

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conuly

Hi, Carolyn: My daughter-in-law has always been quiet and polite and acts like she needs a lot of alone time. I assumed she was introverted or shy and didn’t hold it against her.

I recently met a classmate of hers who described her as talkative and outgoing. Ever since then, I’ve felt resentful of how standoffish she is with me and my husband. I told her I’d met a friend who described her as very talkative, and she said politely and emotionlessly, “Yes, they’re a fun group.”

My husband said she’s two-faced and not worth the trouble, but I want her to open up to me. I know I shouldn’t feel so angry, but I feel like she pretended to be shy to avoid me.

Is there any way I can tell her that I want her to feel free to talk to me like she would a friend?

- Angry

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conuly

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a seven-month-old baby.

My husband has never been a sympathetic person. I have always accepted this about him. However, now with the baby I find myself needing more emotional support than he can give me.

The long nights with a nursing and poorly sleeping baby have left me feeling exhausted and needing some reassurance and comfort from my husband.

Whenever I broach the subject, he tells me that he works so I can be home (I work too, but fewer hours and from home), and that he doesn't feel bad for me because he has a long commute and that I need to get a grip (although he doesn’t use those exact words).

How can I either talk to him, or find another outlet to get the support I can’t get from him?

— New Mama

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cereta

Q. I love you, OK? Now let me hang up: I love my daughter. I swear I do. But she has gotten into the habit of turning “bye” into “I love you—bye” every damn time she calls me at work, which is several times a day for mundane reasons. In the past she’s gotten upset because I leveled with her and tried to kindly tell her that I generally don’t like to kiss on the lips (hugs and cheek kisses are great). I’m not a horrible mother, I swear. Is there some way I can tell my daughter, “Yes, you can have a cookie, bye” instead of “Yes, you can have a cookie, love you, bye”? I feel like being forced to continually say it takes away from the meaningfulness.

A: I’m not sure how old your daughter is, which seems like it would have a great deal of bearing on the issue, but my guess is that if she’s calling you multiple times a day at work to ask if she can have a cookie, she’s fairly young—probably too young to understand the type of conversation you want to have with her. Sure, if she were an adult and you wanted to have casual conversations that don’t always turn into an “I love you” fest, that would be reasonable, but if a little child wants to say “I love you” at the end of every phone call, I don’t think that’s too much for her to ask. That said, if she’s calling you repeatedly during work hours, it may be that you need to ask whoever’s looking after her while you’re away to restrict those phone calls to “only in case of emergency.”

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Agony Aunt

April 2025

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conuly - (no subject)
conuly - All these people need to break up with all these other people
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conuly - Carolyn Hax: What if she’s only introverted around us?
conuly - Ask Amy: New mom needs respite and empathy
cereta - Dear Prudence: My Daughter Says "I love you" Too Often

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