Carolyn Hax: Grandma with Boundary Issues

[cereta]

I have had this open to post for weeks.




My son and his family recently moved back to our area after an extended time away, and I could not be more excited. The kids are all school-age now, and were born while my son lived many hours away. I feel as though I’ve missed so many milestones and family events, though I did make the effort to visit them every month or so. Once the kids started school, I joined the PTA and signed up for several volunteer opportunities, though I live about 45 minutes from that area. I so enjoyed my time as PTA president when my sons were small, and I thought it would be a good way to get to know the school and many of the parents of my grandchildren’s friends. Yesterday, when I told my son and DIL, I thought they'd be excited that I am getting involved in the school. Instead, my DIL started to cry, said “we never should have moved back,” and rushed off to sit in the car. My son gathered up the kids and left, and we haven’t spoken since. I don’t understand what happened, though I have always had a rather frosty relationship with my DIL. I’ll admit that she is not my favorite person. I did not approve of my son marrying her, and I found her immature in the past. Since the kids were born though, I tried to let bygones be bygones. She responded with ignoring any advice I’ve ever provided, and making it as difficult as possible for me to schedule visits. She is cordial but not friendly or caring with me, and I feel as though she excludes my husband and me from some events, as if she does not want us there. If she had her way, I’m sure she’d exclude us entirely. What do I do now? I want to be involved in my grandkids’ lives, and I don’t trust my DIL to include me on her own. And I’m sure the school will be upset to lose such a willing volunteer. -I was trying to be helpful

A: Carolyn Hax

If I were a better sport, I'd post a selfie so you could see my expression right now.

Envision this

:O

with lazy ponytail and $4 reading glasses.

Please, please, please reread this part of your letter and imagine, as you do it, that your MIL is writing it about you:

"I’ll admit that she is not my favorite person. I did not approve of my son marrying her, and I found her immature in the past. Since the kids were born though, I tried to let bygones be bygones. She responded with ignoring any advice I’ve ever provided, and making it as difficult as possible for me to schedule visits. She is cordial but not friendly or caring with me, and I feel as though she excludes my husband and me from some events, as if she does not want us there."

And then this:

"I did make the effort to visit them every month or so" during their "extended time away."

And then this:

"I joined the PTA and signed up for several volunteer opportunities, though I live about 45 minutes from that area."

Again--look at this not as stuff you've said and done, but as the stuff said and done by your in-laws.

Do you see it? At all?

As you read this, I'm typing out what I see. If you're here live, please tell me if this exercise has budged your perspective any.

Comments

[zulu]

I don't think she'll see it.

[eleanorjane]

The lack of self-awareness would be funny if it weren't so tragic.

[minoanmiss]

Gaaaah.

[deird1]

Oh dear...

[deird1]

Posting the LATER Carolyn reply below, for the benefit of interested commenters...

Okay, here's what I see:

Since the beginning, you positioned yourself as your DIL's staunch adversary. You did not approve, you wanted her out, you looked down on her.

You lost your campaign to get rid of her.

Your response to that was to "let bygones be bygones" (or some such--I won't stop to check the original)--but, hello, that's not something you were in a position to do. -You- were the one being antagonistic--and trust me,even if you never took her on directly, there is 0% chance she didn't know you wanted her out of her son's life--so -she- was the one to let (or not let) your hostility to her go. Your choice was either to be proactive about being a warmer part of her life, starting with apologies, or to recognize that your lobbying against her meant your place in their lives had to be on the sidelines. Civil, unintrusive, chastened, unless and until they welcomed you in.

That's "do you see it"? item 1.

But you didn't do either--you didn't apologize and whoa nelly you didn't butt out. Instead, you just set the DIL loathing aside (sort of) and kept on your path of helping yourself to this family experience as you feel entitled to.

You felt like -you- were missing out, so you made sure you were there--on a very frequent visiting schedule, imo--even though you say yourself that your DIL wasn't necessarily on board with your visits.

You advise her and then are outraged she doesn't take it--but did she actually ask you for this advice? And even if she did ask, since when is advice confer any obligation to follow it? Autonomy is paramount.

And you put yourself on the PTA without talking to them first!!!! We started this chat on boundaries, and then you set before me one of the most stunning boundary violations I've seen lately. And I hope as I type this you're seeing it, even a little, because your question suggests your only emotional awareness right now is of -your- sense of outrage.

Thing is, you're the one who stands to lose the most from your refusal to see things from your DIL's perspective.

Besides the PTA thing, she's been going along with your rather heavy involvement in their kids' lives, despite your establishing from jump that you see her as immature, a disappointment, a mistake your son made. Please recognize your own primal parental feelings, summon them up, or a recollection thereof ... and now give a good think to how you'd have felt if it were your henhouse and your MIL (apologies if you're a dad--I may be speed-assuming here) had announced herself early as a fox.

In that scenario, you would, I have zero doubt, feel moved to get solid proof that the fox had renounced its fox ways entirely before you felt comfortable inviting her in to hang out with your chicks.

Of course it's not that simple, because the fox in this scenario is the parent of one of the parents--and so your son is in the awkward position of wanting his own parent to be part of his and his kids' lives, and knowing this parent poses (or has posed) a pronounced emotional threat to the person he loved enough to share his life with.

It is excruciating.

So the deal he and his--frankly, pretty damn generous--wife made was to include you in a careful way, while leaving the wife room to say no sometimes, because she's absolutely entitled to that. (But which you see only through the lens of your own wounds--"I feel as though she excludes my husband and me from some events, as if she does not want us there"--instead of the ones you inflicted on her.

And your response to your careful inclusion has been to be anything -but- careful--of your DIL's feelings, of the strain on your son's loyalties, of your place as invited guest to vs. star of this show.

So, my advice? -See it,- please. See what your place is, what your culpability is in creating then worsening this strain, what you've done to push your DIL to her breaking point.

Then apologize for overstepping so far for so long and so hard.

And say you let your excitement for the grandkids blind you to the fact that you had your turn to raise your kids and this is their turn, and that this "aha" moment is one you will not forget--because it will guide you from now on to ask first what they want and need, instead of assuming that what you want and need will automatically be good for them.