Dear Prudence: The Bath Runneth Over

[lilysea]

Dear Prudence: My boyfriend’s sister “Clara” recently got divorced and moved into a fixer-upper with her kids. She has been working on it for a while but it has been a slow go. My boyfriend and I took a week of our vacation to come down and help her out. He worked on landscaping and fixing the porch while I painted and replaced tiles in the kitchen. I have extensive experience in home renovation since I worked for my uncle flipping houses in college. I worked on that kitchen every day—I was even able to update her cabinets cheaply with finds from a charity store. I also took long baths around 9 every night. I run and asked Clara if I could use the tub after the kids had gone to bed. I usually was aching after everything and liked to rewind with a book and a bath. She said it was OK. I did finish the kitchen before we left and Clara thanked me. I was pretty pleased with myself until Clara added me accidentally to the wrong group chat. She was texting her other sisters about what a horrid houseguest I was. I obviously was “raised in a barn” because who takes baths every night in a stranger’s house? How could I even ask that and do it every night!

I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I thought my boyfriend’s family had been warming up to me. I come from a very different background than him and I know my boyfriend has had fights with them over me. I hoped that was in the past. Clara has bragged about my kitchen remodel on social media but didn’t mention my name. She just did a general thank you to friends and family. I have not showed the messages to my boyfriend yet. I know he will back me no matter what and get upset with Clara. The holidays are coming and we were going to go see his family. I don’t want to ruin that. Should I apologize to Clara or ask her to apologize to me. Did I cross some taboo as a guest?

Answer: There’s an important distinction to be made here: You were not a guest in Clara’s home. You were an unpaid interior designer, house painter, and construction worker. It might have been strange to ask to take a bath in her home had you been a professional contract worker, but you and your boyfriend (her brother!) performed an extremely generous favor, and it was not inappropriate for you to ask if you could use her bathroom to clean yourself up after spending all day remodeling her kitchen. Clara was astonishingly rude to say “Yes” to your request, then complain about the fact that you needed to get clean after a day of refurbishing her house for free.

I think you should show the messages to your boyfriend, especially because you’re already sure he’ll back you up. You have nothing to apologize to Clara for, but if you want to clear the air (and frankly, make her stew in the knowledge that she made an embarrassing error including you in that group chat) before the holidays, I think you should kill her with kindness: “I’m sure you didn’t intend for me to see the messages you sent your sisters about my using your bathroom, but you did. There must have been some miscommunication. After a day of remodeling your kitchen for free, I was often tired and dirty, and needed to get clean. Since you said I could use your bathroom, I assumed you meant what you said. In the future, if something I’ve done bothers you, please tell me directly.”

This should go without saying, but I think you should also decide that your days of helping Clara remodel—or being anything other than icily and distantly polite to her—are over.

Question. Re: Baths: Personally, I’d send Clara an itemized bill for the kitchen remodel, including your time and whatever materials you bought. Add that you know you used her hot water and so on for the long baths, so if she would just let you know her costs you can subtract them from what she owes you. Just to make it more fun I’d say this on the same chat she mistakenly added you to, but that’s just me.

Answer: I’m so tempted to offer this advice, too (there were also a few suggestions that the letter writer should text the whole group back and apologize for spending their vacation remodeling her kitchen). In a movie, it would be a supremely satisfying moment! Also, I now have a personal vendetta against Clara and long to see her get her comeuppance. But the letter writer does have to continue interacting in some form with their boyfriend’s family, and I think Clara’s behavior has been so obviously petty and selfish that simply acknowledging it and asking her to speak more directly about any complaints in the future will be sufficient.

But letter writer, if you do bill her or respond triumphantly to the group thread, please send screenshots.

Comments

[eleanorjane]

whaaaaaaaat

All the sympathy for the LW. Unless the other side of the story is pretty huge, Clara is a jerk.

[jadelennox]

the only likely variant I can see from Clara's side of the story that would change everything, would be that it's not clear how much the brother and the LW were invited/asked to help, and how much they insisted upon helping. If Clara's side of the story were "and then my brother and his pain in the ass SO insisted on showing up and making a mess of my house because they didn't like how I was keeping it" that would change a lot of things. But I feel like I'm breaking the part of the social contract with letters columns where we try to take LWs at face value.

[lydiabell]

Taking baths means you were raised in a barn? Damn, you learn something new every day.

[cereta]

I...don't even get what she did that Clara is objecting to. Who has house guests at all and doesn't expect them to bathe every day? And that's ignoring that the "guest" is getting dirty doing free renovation.

Honestly, I suspect that the "answer" to this lies in whatever it is about the LW that her boyfriend's family objects to, with the added insult of her having done something nice (how dare she?). If it hadn't been baths, Clara would have found something else to complain about.

[xenacryst]

I guess I'm not quite with either suggested course of action. Clara knows what she did, even if she's not fully aware of the fact that LW also knows. So the first response of gently rubbing her nose is what she did is likely going to piss people off - it's a passive aggressive thing, and that kind of action doesn't generally lead to good outcomes, even if it does "clear the air." (It clears the air by making it clear that people can't stand each other, rather than putting up the social contract front that we're family and we can get along.) The second response is just aggressive. Myself, I'd prolly just live and let live - I don't have to interact with you much, and I can steel myself for the few times I do. And then make sure the interactions are kept to a minimum; they'll know why and I'll know why, but we won't have to openly stew about it.