Dear Prudence: My Husband Never Sticks Up For Me

[minoanmiss]

This one is brutal. I'm putting even the title under the cut. Involves reproduction, abortion, and cruelty.

Help! My Sister-in-Law Called Me a Baby Murderer, and My Husband Looked the Other Way.

Q. Pregnancy: When my husband and I were grad students, we had an unexpected pregnancy. After much discussion, we both agreed it wasn’t the right time for us. I had an abortion. For years, I thought it remained a private matter between us. This year we decided to try for children. Over Christmas, I missed my period. I got excited and asked my husband to buy me a pregnancy test. It was negative. Our actions got out, and my sister-in-law asked drunkenly if I was going to “kill this one” as well. She has struggled with infertility for years, and apparently, my husband confided in her about the abortion. She announced this to all of our extended family, including her very conservative Catholic parents. My husband failed to do anything. At all. He just stood there. I went up to my sister-in-law and called her a “heartless barren bitch.” Then I walked right out the door.

I have been staying with my sister. I feel humiliated and betrayed. All the messages from my husband have been about damage control, not us. I have swallowed a lot of shame over our choice, but it was we who decided, him and me. I honestly do not think I can be in the same room as my sister-in-law again. A month ago, I was happy and looking forward to my future. Now I don’t know if my marriage will survive. Please help.

A: This is so painful, and I’m so sorry. Your husband’s betrayal of you was both private and public, and required ongoing cover-up. He failed to defend or assist you in any way as his family tore you apart, and now he’s only concerned about how to smooth their feelings over and isn’t offering you an abject apology for his behavior. I think you’re right to stay elsewhere, because he hasn’t demonstrated that you will be able to trust him or consider him a partner if you were to return home. If he can’t acknowledge how seriously he damaged your trust, if he can’t demonstrate just how he plans on protecting you from his family, and how he will own up to his own part in your mutual decision to get an abortion, and if he can’t commit to honoring your privacy in the future, then I think you should stay away from him. Don’t start a family with a man who betrays your confidence and throws you to the wolves at the first opportunity.

Comments

[topaz_eyes]

There was and is absolutely no shame in LW's actions. Her husband, however, should be debasing himself at her feet, for betraying her trust in the past and refusing to defend her in the present. Since he hasn't, and probably won't, imho LW should file for divorce ASAP.

[jadelennox]

you know, LW was hurt and shocked, and people lash out when they are both (1) betrayed and (B) attacked cruelly. But "heartless barren bitch" was out of line. I don't think I'd be able to apologize for it, personally, given the cruelty of SIL, but I bet you could craft an excellent apology if you were smarter than I am that's along the lines of "Dear SIL, I realize attacking you for struggling with infertility was out of line. I apologize for lashing out with 'barren', you heartless bitch."

Then go to your husband and tell him he has one chance to save his marriage, and be prepared to go straight to a divorce lawyer if he doesn't take you seriously.

[mrissa]

Yes, all of this.

[minoanmiss]

That line was why I just labeled this whole story as "brutal". I think LW was in the aggregate more sinned against than sinning but I can't support the "barren" insult, no matter what her SIL said (and what her SIL said was horrendous).

[lethe1]

Agreed.

[movingfinger]

Ignore his texts and send him divorce papers, LW. The relationship and the family connection are not worth salvaging. Your husband is more concerned about his birth family than his wife.

[conuly]

Oof. I get that LW was very badly provoked, but there is such a thing as going too far.

With that said, LW's marriage appears to be over.

[swingandswirl]

I may be in the minority here, but the SIL started it by accusing the LW of murder. We give infertile women too much leeway - just because somebody can't have kids does not excuse them from having basic decency. LW did not go too far at all. If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

And LW needs to dump her spineless coward of a husband.

[minoanmiss]

Oh I don't thnk anyone here thinks the SIL was remotely in the same galaxy as justified in her hideous calumny.