Low stakes Dear Abby, how do we get our inlaws to stop giving us stuff we don't like need or want?

[lemonsharks]

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I argue about returning gifts his parents give us. They are well-off and buy excessively for their grandkids throughout the year, especially at holidays. They also buy multiple gifts for my husband and me. We are drowning in too much stuff and constantly battling clutter in our home.


None of these gifts are from our family’s wish lists, nor are they particularly thoughtful. In years past, I have asked my mother-in-law to limit her purchases to three gifts — one toy, one outfit, one book — with no success. I also have pleaded with her to stop buying me small knickknacks, and have suggested more experience-based gifts. Still, year after year, we come home with a bunch of stuff we neither need nor want.

How can I get my in-laws to respect our wishes? To make matters worse, my husband becomes defensive of his parents when I get frustrated, even though he fundamentally agrees with me. How do I help his parents understand that what they are really giving us is a fight? And, if none of them care about my wishes, how do I get past feeling disrespected and disregarded? — BURIED IN STUFF

DEAR BURIED: By now you should have realized that your mother-in-law, “Lady Bountiful,” isn’t going to change. You will spend less time being frustrated if you let go of your resentment about her spending sprees. My heartfelt advice to you is to develop a sense of humor where she’s concerned. If you can’t use her gifts, donate, regift or sell them.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

Bombarding the inlaws with an equal or greater quatity of dust collectors from the dollar store would probably not go over well, but I bet it would be satisfying.

[azurelunatic]

:D

[misbegotten]

Getting the in-laws to respect your wishes is probably a losing battle. But arguing with your SO about what to do with the stuff is a separate matter. Abby advising LW to get rid of the gifts isn't feasible if the husband throws a fit. They need to deal with that issue.

[minoanmiss]

Indeed. What's the husband's plan, just become buried in his parents' largesse?

[azurelunatic]

For the excess of the kids' stuff, if you're not doing this already (and you might be), I suggest the Toybox Triage. With the kid, and I'm assuming in the 4-8 range of kid, explain that it looks like there are toys that you don't play with very much anymore, and it's getting harder to find the toys you do love amongst the rest, and this afternoon we should sort into three (four) categories: Keep, Go, and Maybe. (Go is divided between Donate/Give and Trash/Recycle.)

Having the Maybe pile is key: it lets the kid put things in a grey area where maybe they don't really play with it very much but when they do it's still fun, or other ambivalent feelings. It also enables the kid to be extremely definite about things that should go, which is remarkably freeing and sometimes even fun. In the years since I did this, digital photos have become much easier to take and store. Sometimes the correct course is to take a loving photo or five of the object, and then put it in the Go pile. (This is one of the tactics I used on my beloved high school shirts that my tits would never have been able to squish into ever again.)

Don't argue (very much) about the Keep pile. (It may be necessary to subdivide it to Keep vs. Repair, if the toy has become ratty, dirty, or broken.)

At the end of the sorting, the Maybe pile goes into a box that the kid can't access, or has a less easy time accessing. This gets it out of the daily ignored-objects rotation, removes some distinct objects from the daily WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOING RIGHT HERE ON THE FLOOR JESUS I ALMOST BROKE MY NECK rota, and the kid has some time to discover if their feelings about it change if it's not in sight. (note: I have not tested this with a child with non-ADHD object permanence. YMMV.)

After a suitable interval, you can revisit the Maybe box. (Sometimes that's right after the sorting when you realize the kid's put something you know they love in there, sometimes it's when the kid asks for something back out of the box, sometimes that's after some weeks, sometimes there are things that you have been dying to get rid of from the second they entered the house and you are confident will never be missed.)

pro tip: placing transparent tape over all or part of the speaker grill of a "noisy toy" can reduce the decibel level to something more acceptable.

[conuly]

With kids in that age range, many people find it helpful to have two or more boxes of toys that rotate in and out anyway - a few toys are ALWAYS out, but otherwise they go in and out on a rough schedule. Eventually toys in rotation rotate their way out of the house.

pro tip: placing transparent tape over all or part of the speaker grill of a "noisy toy" can reduce the decibel level to something more acceptable.

So can taking out the batteries. "Whoops, guess it's irreparably broken now, so sad."

[lemonsharks]

"sorry kiddo, those are grandma's special batteries. We have to save them for when we visit grandma"

[conuly]

Quite seriously, if this is happening after visits to Grandma's house, which it sounds like, the thing to do is to rave loudly about this WONDERFUL toy which Grandma bought FOR VISITS so you can always play with it AT GRANDMA'S HOUSE and not let her speak long enough to "correct" you.

Or visit less. That is also an option. Or if Dad won't go for that, then perhaps send the kids on the plane alone (which is what my parents did with us starting in kindergarten, on trans-atlantic flights, no less!) and then be very clear about the lack of budget for excess baggage. Or if that's a step too far, rent a very small car for visits, and pack it full of "essential" water bottles - whoops, too bad, so sad, there's just no room! We can take the toys or the kids, and, well....

[lemonsharks]

I don't have kids but it's not completely off the table and I'm wondering about the utilitarianism of watching some tier list videos with the littles (or more realistically, the mediums) and parleying that into "lets do/film a tier list of your toys!"

And then use that data to guide ~~a later today~~ at a later date into keep maybe go

[naath]

Put the things somewhere where they will inevitably break inside a year... people who do this seem absolutely convinced that these things get 'used up' so use them up. (says the woman with a mug mountain)

[lemonsharks]

Having accidentally broken both mugs my ex gave me inside six months of our breakup (we're still friends and it's still weird) was a blessing; they were good mugs and i liked them functionally but the emotional relief of accidentally elbowing them onto the tile floor was emmense.

[pensnest]

Hmph. My advice would be, ask for the gift receipts, and smile, showing lots of teeth. But I am in a grouchy mood today.