Dear Social Q’s: Wardrobe Policing

[lilysea]

Question: My nephew recently married a lovely woman. His parents, who are fond of her, are socially conservative. They notice that she often wears low-cut tops, even to family dinners, which makes them uncomfortable. They mentioned this to their son, who, perhaps ill-advisedly, told his wife. Now, hurt feelings abound. How can they be friends again? And how would you have addressed this issue?
ANONYMOUS

Answer: What’s the magic word? Keep guessing if you thought, “please.” The only truly magic syllables are “sorry.” And that’s what your nephew’s parents should say to their daughter-in-law. They have insulted her in a couple of ways. First, if they don’t like low-cut blouses, they should not wear them — ever, even if they’re marked down 75 percent. But no need for them to police the wardrobes of other adults. (“Uncomfortable” with someone else’s top? Unless there’s an office dress code, get a real problem.)

An apology may also fix the bad dynamic they fostered. Criticizing their new daughter-in-law, behind her back, as if their son controlled her and her wardrobe, was a low-probability shot. Now that they know that Sonny won’t play — and good for him! — they should only tell him things about her that they would say to her face. And unless they revel in estrangement, I’d accentuate the positive.

Comments

[vass]

I'm confused. How is LW involved in this situation?

Alice likes low-cut tops. Her in-laws, Bob and Carol, don't like this. They told Dave, Alice's husband. Dave told Alice. Now Alice and Bob and Carol and Dave are all upset. And now Bob and Carol's sibling/sibling-in-law Evelyn is writing a letter to Society Qs because...?

This family seems to have a boundary problem.

[jadelennox]

Also Nephew needs to learn to keep his damn mouth shut. At best, he should have confronted his parents about it without ever telling his wife. But telling his wife was only going to help if he was trying to convince his wife to stop wearing the low-cut tops -- and in that case, he should have taken ownership for the feelings being his own. "Hey, wife, I have a super uncomfortable favor to ask you. You know I was brought up Orthodox, and you know I am not anymore. But when we were at my parents I start reverting back to childhood, and I feel like I'm obliged to protect my parents from the scandalous sight of ladyflesh. I know this is something that I need to talk about with my therapist, but in the meantime, would you mind, horribly, not wearing halter tops when we go for Shabbat dinner?"

[vass]

Also Nephew needs to learn to keep his damn mouth shut.

...Kind of.

At best, he should have confronted his parents about it without ever telling his wife.

I don't agree with that part. He shouldn't make it her problem, but I can see wanting to keep her in the loop, since it affects how they are treating her and she may have already noticed it.

e.g. "Ugh, sorry about how my mother was glaring at you last week. I found out what was up with that. They have issues with your top being low-cut. Yeah, it's bullshit, I know. They even tried to tell me to tell you to wear something more modest. Of course I told them you're capable of dressing yourself and I'm your husband not your owner. So anyway, if you want to show up next week dressed in cling-film, or both of us in matching clown suits, I've got your back."

That doesn't mean it'd be okay for him to become the conduit of in-law disapprobation after every visit ("And she thought your hair looked so nice before you got it cut like that, and that colour lipstick is terrible on you, she says...") just that (depending on the people involved) there might be a space in between being his parents' message boy and handling his parents entirely without her, in which he and she could be a united front.

[jadelennox]

You are totally right.

[minoanmiss]

Oh, well said!

[minoanmiss]

'Because we see things through the lenses of our own experiences, I wonder how buxom DIL is. As a boobsy girl, I can wear a shirt that buttons up to my throat and it'll look boobsy because it's full of boobs. I remember many fun conversations with my parents about how I looked like a slut because, well, I have boobs, pretty much no matter what.

But that's just a random thought. Mostly, I wonder what the LW has to do with all of this anyway.