Dear Abby: In-Laws' Criticism Wearing New Mother Down

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby girl, our first. We both work full-time, but my husband is gone nights and weekends and I'm the primary parent at home with our daughter.

Something has been bothering me since my daughter came along. My in-laws have never once told me I'm doing a good job as a mother. I'm critiqued every time they come over, whether it be that her hands are too cold, her room is too warm or her nails are too "sharp."

They compliment my husband repeatedly, and he's the first to give all the credit to me, but I feel like they don't think I'm doing a good job and it makes me feel bad. Am I being too sensitive? -- CRITICIZED ALL THE TIME

DEAR CRITICIZED: It is possible that in making these comments, your in-laws are simply trying to be helpful. Instead of regarding them as criticism, take them under consideration.

However, if your hurt feelings persist, you -- or your husband -- should point out to his parents that in trying to be helpful, they have forgotten to be supportive, and mention some of the things you are doing right.

Comments

[kaberett]

... almost everything about this answer is wrong. Wow. Wow.

[jadelennox]

Abby is made of wrong in this one. It's not even the old-skoolness of Abby's column; Miss Manners would hang here out to dry for this one.

[cereta]

Dear LW:

You have my sympathies. Welcome to the default position of motherhood: in the wrong.

Also, welcome to one of the most annoying parts of parenting culture (at least in the US, which the writer may not be from, admittedly): fathers who do anything at all have their asses kissed, while mothers who do, well, everything else are nitpicked and critiqued. That your husband speaks up for you is right and just. Getting your in-laws to listen...arg.

If it helps ease the sting, take the first sentence of Abby's advice to heart. They think they're helping. It doesn't make it right, but if it makes you feel any better at all, remind yourself of that. Or don't if it doesn't. Feel no requirement to "take them under consideration" if you don't find them helpful. If they are really bothering you, your husband, who does know how much work you do, should be the one to tell them to back off. It's hard, but sometimes a direct, "Look, this is really undermining our time together; can you not do it?" is needed. There's no guarantee that it will work, though, so you may just have to grit your teeth and be the mother you think is best.

[xenacryst]

^^ THIS

Look, in-laws, I don't care if you think you're being helpful, you've stepped into a huge cultural slime pit of Dad Is Awesome/Mom Needs Help. You may not realize that's where you are, or just how deep and slimy the pit is, but once LW (or anyone else, for that matter) tells you where you are, it's on you to climb back out. LW already has put a whole lot of emotional work into just HAVING the child, she doesn't need the extra emotional work of having to deflect your criticisms. So stop. Tell her that she's being wonderful, because you know who's listening? YOUR GRANDKID, and she needs to have a chance to grow up without this cultural baggage, ok?

[fox]

Instead of regarding them as criticism, take them under consideration.

Noooope.

Does the present Abby have children? Criticizing a new parent is never a good look. Criticizing a new mom and praising a new dad is worse. Having anything but effusive praise for your daughter-in-law w/r/t her parenting of your grandchild ought to be a felony. (It's possible that as a relatively new parent myself I have strong feelings on this topic. Though in my case it's my own mother who gets under my skin; my husband's mother is fine.)

[cereta]

Oh, I was right there with you. My in-laws never said a peep. My mother? Whole other story. She's the one I finally had to (a) say, "look, this thing you keep harping on is really affecting our visits" to, and (b) grit my teeth through a lot of it.

[the_rck]

I think I was lucky. My daughter was my in-laws third local-to-them grandchild, and my parents live on the other side of the country. We depended on my MIL a lot for transportation to and from medical appointments in the first year or two.

My step-father tried very hard, however, to convince me not to have a child because he thought disabled people can't be good parents (and that has never quite healed. He's told my mother that he was wrong, but he hasn't told me).

[tielan]

No, the parents are just being critical and she is under zero requirement to take their stuff under consideration.

Who, exactly, is the parent of this baby?

*flames coming off the side of my face*