Dear Prudence: Our Son's Current SO Wants Us To Disown His Ex

[minoanmiss]

Like a daughter: We took in my son’s girlfriend when she was 15, after her stepfather broke her arm and her mother threw her out because she wouldn’t lie to the police to protect him. She was the daughter people pray for: kind, respectful, and smart—she graduated fourth in her class despite everything she went through. My son and her broke up in their senior year, but she continued to live with us even while our son went off to college. (She went to community college and became a pharmacy tech.) They are both 23 now. We see her regularly and consider her part of our family. My son’s current girlfriend dislikes this. She says she will not come to visit us if we continue to have her over, and guilts my son for coming alone. He skipped Christmas and Thanksgiving last year on her orders.

This breaks my heart, but I don’t know what to do. My family is not going to give up what amounts to our foster daughter on the whims of this new girlfriend. We love and miss our son but are saddened by his cowardice here. My younger daughters are very angry with their brother and refuse to speak to him, even online. Our foster daughter has no one but us. I don’t want to lose my son over this, but I won’t let my family relationships be dictated by a girl he has been sleeping with for six months. What can I do?

Exactly what you are doing, I think. Continue to see your foster daughter regularly, gently encourage your son to reconsider his decision to allow his current girlfriend to dictate how he spends his holidays just because she’s uncomfortable with the fact that someone he dated in high school has a close relationship with his family, and let him make his own mistakes.

Commentary:

Q. Re: Like a daughter: I’d be curious to hear what the son thinks of having his ex-girlfriend around. Is he fine with her being his “foster sister,” or does it make him uncomfortable? If the son would also prefer not to hang around his ex-girlfriend, then I think maybe the letter writer should consider a more nuanced approach that incorporates her son’s feelings. I feel terribly for the ex-girlfriend/foster daughter, but if the son is uncomfortable having her around, then I think some of the family dynamics need to be reconsidered.

A: The key here, I think, is that the son never had any problem with this family dynamic until he started seeing his new girlfriend. This woman has been a part of his family now for eight years. If that wasn’t a problem until his new girlfriend showed up, then I think the issue lies not with how the letter writer interacts with the foster daughter, but how the letter writer’s son deals with conflict in his romantic relationships.

Q. Re: Like a daughter: Keep re-enforcing that he and his girlfriend are always welcome. Welcoming current girlfriends is super important. Don’t let the girlfriend get traction in telling him that you are pushing him away and that you hate her. Keep inviting them both and keep the channels of communication open.

A: Yes! Don’t get drawn into this enforced dynamic where it’s “us against them.” Continue to make it clear that your pre-existing relationship with his high school girlfriend is in no way a comment on his current girlfriend, and that she’s welcome anytime she’s ready to stop manufacturing a threat that doesn’t exist. (Maybe don’t phrase that last part in exactly the same way.)