Care and feeding: spreading germs, illness

[shirou]

From Care and Feeding by Nicole Cliffe

Dear Care and Feeding,

While there is a long laundry list of ways my parenting style (and overall approach to life) differs wildly from my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, I’ll limit it to one issue in particular.

I firmly believe there is a difference between the inevitability of kids getting sick because kids and school and irresponsible parents who are lazy about germ spreading. Sending your kid to preschool with a low-grade fever because you can’t take off work without losing your job? Inevitable and normal, as much as it sucks for everyone.

Bringing your actively green-snotting and coughing kid to my house without warning, wiping said green snots with a napkin, THEN USING THE SAME NAPKIN SECONDS LATER to wipe my toddler’s mouth? Lazy. And gross. Which is exactly what my sister-in-law did, and exactly the type of thing she does regularly. My daughter gets an ear infection with every single cold, which means a trip to the doctor for antibiotics and time off work for me. Spoiler alert: This happened a few days ago, and we are both well into Cold Territory. Is it a huge deal? Of course not. But it was so easily preventable.

Also? My mother-in-law regularly SUCKS MY DAUGHTER’S THUMB because she thinks it’s “cute” since my daughter sucks her own thumb. I have always been a Type B, “whatever” kind of gal, but this makes me squirm. Why would anyone suck a child’s finger? Am I insane for thinking this is gross? Look, I kiss my kid on the lips 100 times a day, but this is just … yeeesh.

They have been doing stuff like this since my daughter was 3 weeks old, when she caught her first cold and had a close call with respiratory syncytial virus, which terrified the living daylights out of me and my husband. We generally keep a wide berth when we can, but since we can’t make it a permanent one (we do love them of course, and they live nearby), please tell me how I can politely address this with them. I have generally been rendered speechless when these things happen as my soul completely exits my body in dread, and plus I know they think I’m uptight (among other things), so I usually just limit my bitching to my husband, who agrees with me.

We’re expecting a second child this year, so I want to be firmer on my “Please don’t be careless about spreading germs. It’s actually not that hard to be conscious of other tiny humans” stance. But I don’t want to be an asshole.

—Not Into Hosting Typhoid Mary

Dear NIHTM,

That is … completely disgusting. THE SAME NAPKIN? Sucking the BABY’S thumb? What the hell! No, of course this is not acceptable conduct. Wow, what a great week for telling people to firm up their very reasonable boundaries!

Look, babies and small children really do get sick all the time, because their damp little hands and faces touch everything they come into contact with. Which is why we do what we can to minimize direct contact with people who are actively draining mucus out of their faces.

You think that being “the uptight one” makes it hard to say something, but my dear, it actually makes it easier. They’re always going to think you’re the uptight one, so DON THAT MANTLE GLADLY. Be more uptight!

If you are planning to visit, or they ask to visit you, ask if anyone in the group you’ll be seeing is sick. If they say yes, you can say you’ll reschedule. If they lie about not being sick, you get to get back in the car or usher them out to theirs. You do not bring sick children to someone else’s home unless in the direst of circumstances.

I am sure you do not need me to spell out to you the correct avenue for dealing with THUMB-SUCKING GRANDMA at this point, but I’ll do so anyway: “Mildred, don’t suck her thumb. It’s unhygienic.” Raise your voice if you get ignored. No one finds this behavior acceptable.

Having two women you have very little respect for believe that you are uptight is meaningless. You will be the uptight one who skips RSV.

Comments

[shirou]

I like Nicole Cliffe. Her answer is clearly right: the LW has to put an end to this behavior. It's disgusting, and her daughter's health depends on it. Occasional ear infections rarely cause lasting damage, but frequent ear infections over many years raise the risk of long-term harm. There's also the possibility the child will contract a more serious infection.

The one thing I would add to Nicole's advice is that if the LW's daughter actually gets an ear infection with every cold, it's time for a conversation with the pediatrician. It's possible the child's immune system will grow stronger with age, but it's also possible she has an immunodeficiency disorder increasing her susceptibility to bacterial infections. I have such a disorder, and I too get secondary infections with every cold. My particular disorder, neutropenia, was difficult to diagnose when I was a kid—it required I get my white blood cell count measured every day for weeks—but today, a hematologist can diagnose it with a single genetic test. Knowing about an immunodeficiency disorder is important not only because it increases the importance of avoiding minor illnesses, but also because it changes how a hospital would treat a severe infection such as pneumonia.

[cereta]

Actually, what's a lot more likely is that the child has an anatomical issue that prevents easy drainage. It's not uncommon: things in there can straighten out as they grow, thankfully. My daughter had an ear infection literally every six weeks the first six months of her life, to the point that she got tubes at six months, which is really young. She had one more infection where everything literally drained out of her ear (it was icky, but not painful for her), and another a year later just after a tube had fallen out, but grew out of them. LW should really be asking about ear tubes (which are actually more grommits than tubes). It's an incredibly common, very safe surgery, and it saves SO MUCH pain, time, and medication.

[shirou]

I didn't know about that! Definitely time for a chat with the pediatrician.

[cadenzamuse]

Yes! I was just thinking this. My son had ear infections and eye infections with every cold until we got tubes and a similar five minute surgery for blocked tear ducts (that the opthalmologist called "roto-rootering out his ducts"). Now he has the typical daycare crud and no other problems.

[cereta]

*nods* My daughter was literally getting a new ear infection as soon as the antibiotics cleared out of her system from another. Once we got the tubes, we still had the daycare plague (OMG, coxsackievirus), but we weren't constantly giving her antibiotics. FWIW, by the time she got to kindergarten, she had the immune system of a god. She has hardly ever gotten even a cold.

[minoanmiss]

Oh ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

[rosefox]

Where's the LW's husband in all of this? This is HIS sister and HIS mother endangering HIS child, and he needs to at the very least present a united front with the LW. Ideally, he should be taking the lead.

[shirou]

Yeah, I also subscribe to the idea that each spouse should take the lead on dealing with their family. The husband needs to talk to his mother and sister about avoiding spreading germs to keep his daughter healthy. However, this is also a situation that will need addressing in the moment when a transgression occurs, so the LW needs to be prepared to speak up if her husband isn't present.

[xenacryst]

You would think. But even here in the very liberal Bay Area, I've noticed a very distressing trend over the ten years I've been a dad of mothers being the primary social gatekeepers of the family as it pertains to kids. I have been to so many birthday parties, play dates, hanging out at the park where every other parent is a mother, and the fathers are all either at their 72-plus hour a week tech jobs or clustered together in another part of the room talking about completely unrelated things while being able to claim the mantle of "engaged father" by virtue of simply being there.

Point being that, definitely, urge the LW's husband/partner/whatever to step it up, but also acknowledge the reality that LW is going to have to be the one to instigate it, unfortunately.

[via_ostiense]

just ew ew ew to the behaviors the LW describes. The advice not to worry about whether people you think are behaving grossly care if you're uptight is helpful, and makes a lot of sense!