Wife resents brother-in-law and his wife for lack of generosity

[raine]

Dear Amy: My husband is an identical twin. He is very close to his twin brother, "Chet." Chet is married and has three children. His wife is a spoiled millennial with a short fuse and unpredictable moods. My husband and I have tried for children for a decade now, with no luck. I take issue with something I feel I can't talk to my husband about without him getting defensive and upset. We are very good to his brother's family, attending the kids' games, events and birthday parties. I gave up going on vacation this year so his brother and kids could go with my husband instead of me. We give gifts to the kids, and for Chet and his wife's birthdays. (I'm lucky to get a text message on my birthday.) For Christmas, we dropped more than $200 on gifts for them. My husband and I received nothing from them. I give so much throughout the year! Do we just continue to be neglected because we don't have kids? I felt like I was kicked in the gut leaving the Christmas 'gift exchange' with nothing. Am I being too sensitive, or are my feelings warranted? What is the best way to communicate this to my husband without him feeling like I'm attacking his brother/family? - Flying Solo

Flying Solo: It’s tough to face this sort of very obvious imbalance. Of course you notice, and of course you feel bad about it! My question is — given the imbalance that seems to exist here, why do you sign up for more? You need to take better care of yourself. You should not surrender your own vacation for this other family. Your husband is a twin, but he is married to you. You should continue to give to the children. Dive in and love these children abundantly. If the adults don’t participate in a gift exchange (many adults don’t), then you shouldn’t, either. That way, you can enjoy your generosity toward the children without feeling sorry for yourself.

Comments

[raine]

I feel like Amy missed an important thing here - that the letter writer is being ignored by her husband.

[weedpizza]

Ding ding ding!!

[minoanmiss]

THIS.

[raine]

Very much!

[conuly]

Yup.

[cereta]

You know, I have kind of been there, being the last of my siblings to have kids by a fair bit, but some things jumped out at me:

1. WTF "spoiled millennial"? What else in the letter has anything to do with that?

2. I am trying to figure out the logistics of LW giving up a vacation so husband could go with BiL and kids. I'm not succeeding.

3. If the imbalance in what you do and spend bothers you, for the love of God, STOP.

4. The LW's problem in not with her inlaws. It's with her husband. There needs to be a Come to Jesus talk, and possibly counseling, about priorities.

[raine]

That's what grabbed me about this. It's like the letter writer is trying to deflect the fact her husband is leaving her out of this picture by blaming her sister-in-law.

[conuly]

1. WTF "spoiled millennial"? What else in the letter has anything to do with that?

Unless LW is trying to have a kid very late in life, or simply doesn't know what the word "millennial" means, her SIL is the same age she, hubby, and BIL are.

And given that LW's niblings are old enough to have things to go to, that conclusion seems likely.

[kelly_holden]

2. I think she probably means the going away bit of vacation, rather than the time off bit. Husband went away with BiL, which meant he didn't have enough time off to also go away with her.

[raine]

It read to me like the husband told her, "Oh, you can't go because I want to take my bro and my nephews." Which, if true, is all sorts of WTF.

[rmc28]

If someone thought of me as a spoiled millennial (and that kind of contempt does come through) I probably would have a short fuse around them ..

[raine]

And don't forget the obvious child envy. That kind of stuff doesn't go unnoticed, either.

[malkingrey]

The twin thing does complicate the issue somewhat, though. It shouldn't, of course, but "shouldn't" never stopped people from being . . . well, people. Especially if the twin pair have spouses who -- for whatever reason -- can't stand each other. (Because I'm fairly certain that however much the LW dislikes the sister-in-law, the sister-in-law reciprocates in spades.)

In that case, I can imagine at least one way the vacation thing could have happened: "Hey, Twin! If just you and I go and take your kids, then we can all relax and have a nice vacation without spending the whole time wondering when your wife and my wife are going to snap and start going after each other with the barbecue forks."