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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have never had an easy relationship with my mother-in-law. She is an Orthodox Jew and I come from the Bible Belt. She initially told my future husband that he wasn’t allowed to date me and later, when it became clear he wasn’t going to abide by her dictate, she took me aside and explained that marriage wasn’t possible between us because any future children wouldn’t be considered Jewish as it passes down the maternal line and that within the Orthodox tradition, conversion was viewed with skepticism. For good measure, she added that she couldn’t bear coming to her son’s home and seeing a Christmas tree. When we married, she basically hijacked our wedding plans to ensure it didn’t offend anyone she knew. We had little say in the wedding plans—not even the wedding date.
Fast forward a few years: Things have only improved slightly. I have gone above and beyond to try and ingratiate myself with my in-laws. When our kids were toddlers, I invited them over for Christmas and pulled out all the stops (they routinely spent Christmas at the home of Christian friends). I decorated the house to the hilt, made every dish from scratch for Christmas lunch, and was as gracious as any Southern belle could be. On her way out the door, my mother-in-law declared, “It was all too much, too much. Never again!” I shut the door and burst into tears.
In the intervening years, my in-laws have had a relatively cordial relationship with me and our children. Their preference for their other granddaughter (my sister-in-law married a Jewish man) is clear to both me and my daughters. Despite living just 20 minutes away, we probably only see them four or five times a year. My in-laws seemed much more content taking multiple cruises throughout the year than building a relationship with our kids. I think all parties were more or less fine with that, although I was genuinely sad that our daughters would never have the wonderful, life-enriching relationships I enjoyed with my grandparents.
Then the inevitable happened: My mother-in-law fell and broke her hip. She’s now in a nursing home for her post-op rehab, but the expectation is that we visit as often as possible. Beyond that, it’s clear that the future is bleak, especially as my MIL is reluctant to participate in the most basic physical therapy. Already, my husband is expected to take my father-in-law to medical appointments since my mother-in-law can’t accompany him. I’ve asked my husband what our future relationship with his parents will look like, but even he knows he’s the “bad son,” so he is now expected to prove himself. I don’t know how to support him, how to guide our (now early teen) daughters through this, and I’m grappling with my own feelings of resentment toward my MIL and wanting to support my husband, whose own feelings are mixed. Any advice would be welcome.
—Bible Belt Shiksa
Dear Bible Belt Shiksa,
The first thing to do is to make peace with the fact that no amount of good deeds will enable your husband to successfully “prove himself,” as you put it. Unfortunately, your mother-in-law determined long ago that your marriage and family were inconsistent with her vision for her son’s life. Grocery pick-ups and rides to physical therapy appointments are unlikely to change that. If your husband is hoping for some kind of redemption arc to come from this, I think a gentle reality check might be in order.
That doesn’t mean you should abandon the in-laws. I understand you might be tempted by an attitude of “you reap what you sow,” but I think that, when possible, kindness should win out. Your husband’s parents need him, and he’s willing to step up. That’s laudable. The key will be to have very clear expectations for what kind of help he is able to give them, and what boundaries the two of you need to put in place to ensure caretaking doesn’t disproportionately consume your whole relationship or your family’s entire calendar. If you two haven’t had that conversation yet, now is the time. You’ll also notice I said “what kind of help he is able to give,” because while you’ll undoubtedly field some of this work here and there, it needs to fall primarily to your husband (which it sounds like it already does), given your history with his family.
Even with boundaries, I suspect that you will continue to be resentful about this situation. From what you’ve shared in your letter, that is understandable. She clearly has not made things easy for you over the years. But recognize that your husband has a history with his parents that predates your relationship with her, which likely would make it hard for him to abandon them in a time of need, no matter how much frustration he feels on your (or his) behalf. If you find yourself struggling to make peace with the situation, find a therapist to talk to—someone who will let you be as snarky and disgruntled as you want to be, but who can also help you constructively work through these feelings.
My final thoughts are about your teen daughters. You mention that you don’t know how to guide them through this. I think you can and should be transparent without airing all your dirty laundry. Let them see you modeling grace and support to your in-laws, but also let them see you setting boundaries for your family’s sake. Maybe there are ways they can show a little extra love to their dad, to support him as he helps his parents. There’s a real opportunity here to demonstrate what healthy family dynamics look like, and that’s a valuable lesson they can take into adulthood. Good luck.
Link
I have never had an easy relationship with my mother-in-law. She is an Orthodox Jew and I come from the Bible Belt. She initially told my future husband that he wasn’t allowed to date me and later, when it became clear he wasn’t going to abide by her dictate, she took me aside and explained that marriage wasn’t possible between us because any future children wouldn’t be considered Jewish as it passes down the maternal line and that within the Orthodox tradition, conversion was viewed with skepticism. For good measure, she added that she couldn’t bear coming to her son’s home and seeing a Christmas tree. When we married, she basically hijacked our wedding plans to ensure it didn’t offend anyone she knew. We had little say in the wedding plans—not even the wedding date.
Fast forward a few years: Things have only improved slightly. I have gone above and beyond to try and ingratiate myself with my in-laws. When our kids were toddlers, I invited them over for Christmas and pulled out all the stops (they routinely spent Christmas at the home of Christian friends). I decorated the house to the hilt, made every dish from scratch for Christmas lunch, and was as gracious as any Southern belle could be. On her way out the door, my mother-in-law declared, “It was all too much, too much. Never again!” I shut the door and burst into tears.
In the intervening years, my in-laws have had a relatively cordial relationship with me and our children. Their preference for their other granddaughter (my sister-in-law married a Jewish man) is clear to both me and my daughters. Despite living just 20 minutes away, we probably only see them four or five times a year. My in-laws seemed much more content taking multiple cruises throughout the year than building a relationship with our kids. I think all parties were more or less fine with that, although I was genuinely sad that our daughters would never have the wonderful, life-enriching relationships I enjoyed with my grandparents.
Then the inevitable happened: My mother-in-law fell and broke her hip. She’s now in a nursing home for her post-op rehab, but the expectation is that we visit as often as possible. Beyond that, it’s clear that the future is bleak, especially as my MIL is reluctant to participate in the most basic physical therapy. Already, my husband is expected to take my father-in-law to medical appointments since my mother-in-law can’t accompany him. I’ve asked my husband what our future relationship with his parents will look like, but even he knows he’s the “bad son,” so he is now expected to prove himself. I don’t know how to support him, how to guide our (now early teen) daughters through this, and I’m grappling with my own feelings of resentment toward my MIL and wanting to support my husband, whose own feelings are mixed. Any advice would be welcome.
—Bible Belt Shiksa
Dear Bible Belt Shiksa,
The first thing to do is to make peace with the fact that no amount of good deeds will enable your husband to successfully “prove himself,” as you put it. Unfortunately, your mother-in-law determined long ago that your marriage and family were inconsistent with her vision for her son’s life. Grocery pick-ups and rides to physical therapy appointments are unlikely to change that. If your husband is hoping for some kind of redemption arc to come from this, I think a gentle reality check might be in order.
That doesn’t mean you should abandon the in-laws. I understand you might be tempted by an attitude of “you reap what you sow,” but I think that, when possible, kindness should win out. Your husband’s parents need him, and he’s willing to step up. That’s laudable. The key will be to have very clear expectations for what kind of help he is able to give them, and what boundaries the two of you need to put in place to ensure caretaking doesn’t disproportionately consume your whole relationship or your family’s entire calendar. If you two haven’t had that conversation yet, now is the time. You’ll also notice I said “what kind of help he is able to give,” because while you’ll undoubtedly field some of this work here and there, it needs to fall primarily to your husband (which it sounds like it already does), given your history with his family.
Even with boundaries, I suspect that you will continue to be resentful about this situation. From what you’ve shared in your letter, that is understandable. She clearly has not made things easy for you over the years. But recognize that your husband has a history with his parents that predates your relationship with her, which likely would make it hard for him to abandon them in a time of need, no matter how much frustration he feels on your (or his) behalf. If you find yourself struggling to make peace with the situation, find a therapist to talk to—someone who will let you be as snarky and disgruntled as you want to be, but who can also help you constructively work through these feelings.
My final thoughts are about your teen daughters. You mention that you don’t know how to guide them through this. I think you can and should be transparent without airing all your dirty laundry. Let them see you modeling grace and support to your in-laws, but also let them see you setting boundaries for your family’s sake. Maybe there are ways they can show a little extra love to their dad, to support him as he helps his parents. There’s a real opportunity here to demonstrate what healthy family dynamics look like, and that’s a valuable lesson they can take into adulthood. Good luck.
Link
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Your MIL has told you that she'll never accept you because you're not Jewish, even if you convert (which it sounds like LW wasn't interested in doing anyway) and, specifically, that she couldn't bear to have her grandkids have a Christmas tree... and you decide to invite her to her fully decked halls for Christmas? JFC. And, you know, I can't exactly blame LW for wanting to get revenge for the way MIL took over the wedding, but you've gotta be honest with yourself about your motivations. "Gracious" my ass.
LW needs therapy, probably Husband does as well, and in the meantime LW needs to tell Husband that his relationship with his parents is his relationship and she wants no part of it.
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...yeah my eyebrows rose. Why shove Christmas in the face of an Orthodox Jewish lady, if not out of some antisemitic sense of superiority -- why not just do a family gathering with her?
(oh wait that would involve respect, my bad)
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"...I was genuinely sad that our daughters would never have the wonderful, life-enriching relationships I enjoyed with my grandparents." Too bad LW didn't think of that before behaving badly to her inlaws!
LW married into a very conservative religious family and disrespected all their traditions and boundaries, is my take, and her husband should be handling them on his own. Because they really don't need to deal with her.
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I don't think she would ever choose someone who could do this, but I wish that whoever LW goes to for therapy can explain some things about Judaism to her.
I do not agree with how LW's MIL has treated her but knowing what little I know I don't think MIL could have done elsewise, and LW seems never to haev understood why beyond "my MIL doesn't like me", especially with that horrifying Christmasvaganza.
As for the increasingly common situation of And Now The Elderly Relatives Need Help And So The Reckoning Is Due, I agree with the columnist and everyone else here: let the husband handle it because these are his parents, and he should not expect some kind of redemption for it.
(I hope SOMEONE has taught those daughters about their heritage.)
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You are ABSOLUTELY right and I should have included the husband in my analysis.
One of the most painful and kindest things someone ever did was when a particular ex of mine gave me this explanation for why he couldn't marry me.
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LW screws up a lot, here, but MIL:
you're a shande far di goyim, MIL. Do many jews treat gerim with suspicion? Shamefully, yes, especially if they are Black or POC. Do some congregations have shit attitudes about conversions done by anyone else's rabbi? Also, quite shamefully, yes. But halacha is quite clear about the theological need to respect gerim as jews, regardless of human assholery.
Now, the Christmasvaganza makes it clear LW never wanted to convert and wanted to raise her kids in her own traditions (which is her right! especially if Husband didn't object) and any conversion from her would have likely been BS. But if MIL really said that, she sucks.
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Look, if someone tells you that they don't celebrate/observe Christmas,
the solution is not to Christmas Harder At Them.
I wonder if LW could have had a better relationship with MIL if instead of Christmassing at her
she had instead asked her husband to facilitate husband/LW/their kids attending MIL's Passover.
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