Dear Prudence: Our Son's Current SO Wants Us To Disown His Ex

[minoanmiss]

Like a daughter: We took in my son’s girlfriend when she was 15, after her stepfather broke her arm and her mother threw her out because she wouldn’t lie to the police to protect him. She was the daughter people pray for: kind, respectful, and smart—she graduated fourth in her class despite everything she went through. My son and her broke up in their senior year, but she continued to live with us even while our son went off to college. (She went to community college and became a pharmacy tech.) They are both 23 now. We see her regularly and consider her part of our family. My son’s current girlfriend dislikes this. She says she will not come to visit us if we continue to have her over, and guilts my son for coming alone. He skipped Christmas and Thanksgiving last year on her orders.

This breaks my heart, but I don’t know what to do. My family is not going to give up what amounts to our foster daughter on the whims of this new girlfriend. We love and miss our son but are saddened by his cowardice here. My younger daughters are very angry with their brother and refuse to speak to him, even online. Our foster daughter has no one but us. I don’t want to lose my son over this, but I won’t let my family relationships be dictated by a girl he has been sleeping with for six months. What can I do?

Exactly what you are doing, I think. Continue to see your foster daughter regularly, gently encourage your son to reconsider his decision to allow his current girlfriend to dictate how he spends his holidays just because she’s uncomfortable with the fact that someone he dated in high school has a close relationship with his family, and let him make his own mistakes.

Commentary:

Q. Re: Like a daughter: I’d be curious to hear what the son thinks of having his ex-girlfriend around. Is he fine with her being his “foster sister,” or does it make him uncomfortable? If the son would also prefer not to hang around his ex-girlfriend, then I think maybe the letter writer should consider a more nuanced approach that incorporates her son’s feelings. I feel terribly for the ex-girlfriend/foster daughter, but if the son is uncomfortable having her around, then I think some of the family dynamics need to be reconsidered.

A: The key here, I think, is that the son never had any problem with this family dynamic until he started seeing his new girlfriend. This woman has been a part of his family now for eight years. If that wasn’t a problem until his new girlfriend showed up, then I think the issue lies not with how the letter writer interacts with the foster daughter, but how the letter writer’s son deals with conflict in his romantic relationships.

Q. Re: Like a daughter: Keep re-enforcing that he and his girlfriend are always welcome. Welcoming current girlfriends is super important. Don’t let the girlfriend get traction in telling him that you are pushing him away and that you hate her. Keep inviting them both and keep the channels of communication open.

A: Yes! Don’t get drawn into this enforced dynamic where it’s “us against them.” Continue to make it clear that your pre-existing relationship with his high school girlfriend is in no way a comment on his current girlfriend, and that she’s welcome anytime she’s ready to stop manufacturing a threat that doesn’t exist. (Maybe don’t phrase that last part in exactly the same way.)

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I cannot imagine learning that my SO's parents are so generous and kindhearted and responding by demanding they disown a girl with no other family or that my SO choose me or them. Maybe I just don't think so supremely of myself but WTF.

[conuly]

Jealousy is so unattractive in a romantic partner, and being jealous of somebody who has no other family? I hope Son wakes up soon.

[lilysea]

I have a lot of sympathy for people who are feeling insecure about someone's exes,

but the solution is to ASK YOUR PARTNER FOR REASSURANCE

not to demand that your partner's parents cut ties with the ex...

[cereta]

You know, normally, my antennae go up when I read, "My son's girlfriend/wife..." followed by much of anything, but particularly things that amount to, "are the cause of this behavior we don't like." But I think I'm going to give this LW a pass insofar as it sounds like new SO is behaving genuinely badly.

That said, you know who doesn't get a pass? Son. His new SO may be callous and indifferent to someone who, to all accounts, has done nothing to her, but Son is choosing her over someone who has not only been an at worst neutral part of his life for 8 years, but who he watched be hurt and betrayed by the one person in the world who should have protected her. He watched this girl be discarded by her own mother, and now he wants to take away the mother (and father) she found in the aftermath. That's callous from a stranger, but imagine sitting across the holiday dinner table from someone you (presumably) thought cared about you who was ready to make you relive that awful trauma, and then go on without the people who had loved you through it. I honestly think I'd be sick.

[green_grrl]

I don’t think he is telling his parents, “Get rid of my ex or I won’t come.” He’s just … not coming because ex is there and new gf doesn’t want him to be in the same room. In other words, he’s being passively unfair to his family rather than actively monstrous. I certainly hope he realizes how horribly controlling and awful new gf is.

[cereta]

I was going to argue, here, but I recognize that I can in no way be objective in a situation that...I can't even objectively describe, so I'll just say: fair enough.

[conuly]

But he's not just being "passively unfair to his family". If LW's informal foster daughter is anything like a decent person, this has to hurt her. Even if she's not that close to him anymore, she can't like knowing that her presence is the reason for him not seeing his family.

[green_grrl]

Oh, yeah, it is definitely shitty, but he’s not actively telling her, “GTFO.” And, among his many other immaturities, not realizing how cruel that is to her and the rest of his family.

[purlewe]

Yeah the son needs to take a hard look at his choices.

LW needs to keep inviting them, but if they don't come they don't come.

And I truly hope the LW has not told the foster daughter (or if they have, have framed it: we are never going to not chose you. You are family.)

[laurajv]

1. i would like to tell the LW about adult adoption
2. if someone came into my life and said my semi-brother couldn't be a part of it?? bye. not happening. wtf, Son?

[teaotter]

The fact that the SO is attempting to isolate the son from their kind and loving family is a potential red flag for control and abuse.

[lemonsharks]

I'm guessing that "formally adopt foster daughter and explicitly write her into your wills" would be considered shit-stirring in this situation. Assuming she also desires this. (She must be feeling insecure in her place in the family right now, and hurt that Son is ghosting everyone because his new GF has weird paranoid issues around exes.

I also loathe that commentary Q 1 gives immediate and unquestioned priority to the bio-son's "comfort" as telegraphed through his new GF's weird rules. (Sarcasm quotes because he never had a problem with FD before.)

[minoanmiss]

I wanted to smack that commenter, yes. Do they really think Son should ask his parents to throw this girl out of their lives?