Carolyn Hax: Grandma sees living next door as reason to challenge DiL's rules

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: I am a single 75-year-old woman who has recently had the good fortune to move into a house that my oldest son bought for me next door, so that I could spend time with my young grandkids. I moved from another state and I am part of their lives generally every day, a win-win for me, grandkids, and parents alike. I loved being a mother and homemaker, carry this same joy into my grandparenting, and feel this is where I shine.

My problem concerns my daughter-in-law. Even though I feel many of her rules concerning her kids are too rigid, unnecessary, and are a killjoy for them and for me, I believe I need to honor these rules. But there is one area that has long annoyed me and that, now that I live nearby and have some control over it, I would like your opinion on.

When I mailed gifts, they often would not get opened on the day of, and were sometimes opened weeks later. I can appreciate her rules about when things get opened, and that sometimes this is challenging and delays things, but where my gifts are concerned I just feel a lack of urgency in general. She calls the shots on how things go down in that household and the focus is largely on her own family. It really takes away from my joy.

Now that I live next door, I would like to give my own gifts on the day of, at my own home. I am anticipating resistance from my daughter-in-law. Sometimes I feel my hands are tied in so many ways with regard to the kids and we could have so much fun if not for my daughter-in-law’s frequent disapprovals. Of note: When I was their guest, I was not allowed to wash dishes, fold the laundry, put away the toys, etc., and I’m certain it was because I didn’t do it to her standards. She has her good qualities too, of course, and my son seems happily married, but the body language and facial expressions toward so many of us are an annoyance I’m going to have to fight every day.

— Next Door

Next Door: If I understand you correctly, you see living next door as an exciting new opportunity to finally win some power struggles with your rigid daughter-in-law.

I.e., to celebrate your Powerball win by trying to shoplift some candy.

Your place in this family is not only solid, it’s solid beyond the wildest dreams of anyone who has a daughter-in-law on the flinty side. I hope you’ll take my inbox’s word on this.

And although I accept your position 100 percent that you have been kept at a tight-lipped distance when it comes to her Ways of Doing Domestic Things — and I feel your resulting frustrations — the bigger arc of your story just doesn’t ring true.

Principally, I can’t buy into an assertion that “she calls the shots” and favors her own kin in a marriage that acquired the house next door for her mother-in-law who obviously isn’t her biggest fan.

You see where I’m coming from here, yes?

I hope so, because the stakes of your relationship with your son's family were already high and just got higher — access to your grandchildren, love, inclusion, community, shelter, care as you age — and because in the same move, the already-small stakes of the whole timing-of-gift-unwrappage thing just got microfreakingscopic.

Please trust me on this, too. As sympathetic as I am to the emotional power of our self-definitions, and as vulnerable as you are to her “frequent disapprovals,” using your proximity to try to claw back some control over family rituals sounds dreadfully misguided. Her resistance isn’t personal, even; you say yourself she’s like this with “so many of us.”

Instead, I urge you use your maternal talents in a more profound way: to encourage them not to regret moving you next door. (I kid.) Use them to think bigger and become the mother (-in-law) your son and daughter-in-law need. Don’t throw away your self-image or dull your shine, just tweak them both to reflect the role you play now in the family yours has become.

From where I sit, the couple have made it clear what they welcome: They want you close, they want you involved daily with the kids — and they want you to leave their towel-folding, toy-filing, gift-opening systems alone. Such clarity might not be as impressive as buying you a home, but it too is a generous gift.

In case you’re wondering: I have my opinions on “her rules.” But what I think of them is irrelevant unless and until they ask me what I think.

You can take that exact position yourself with real conviction; not just, “I need to honor these rules,” but, “Whew, I get to be the daily Grandma and I’m off the hook for dishes!” Isn’t that in the “joy” column, too? Or can’t it be, at least, if you deliberately put it there?

And choose to drop the gift thing completely? I can’t recall a battle that has ever begged harder not to be picked.

Comments

[cereta]

Carolyn says most of what I would say, except for one big one:

Lady, for all that is holy, find something to do with (some of) your time and energy that isn't related to your grandchildren. Volunteer. Take craft classes at your local Michaels. Get into college football. Watch true crime shows or listen to horror podcasts. Just find something that isn't all about being a grandmother. Everyone, but particularly you, will benefit from this.

[cora]

This. LW sounds like someone who threw herself into her mother identity and is now throwing herself into her grandmother identity. Perhaps LW is from a generation (or socio economic class) where that was the only option available to women, after all, it was perfectly legal to fire a pregnant employee until 1978. No matter the "why" - the world has since changed. LW is allowed to have a life and exist outside of house chores and childcare/child bonding.

A garden would also be a good hobby, and it is something she could do with the grandkids if she so desired. LW could also take up hobbies that are all about experiences and bring the kids along (craft classes, going to museums, that painting class that was a fad a while back, cooking classes, etc). Gifts don't have to be tangible things, they can be experience/time.

If LW truly feels like being a caregiver is where she shines and that is something she would rather be doing over any other hobby in the world,, volunteering at schools or libraries would also be a good choice. It gives her more places to spread her energy around without causing potential friction with her son & his wife, and allows her to care/dote on more kids.

[minoanmiss]

Excellent advice. I dearly hope it's followed.

I was thinking about the ... trope, I guess? of forbidding people to put things away in homes that aren't theirs. AS my vision declines I more and more need for items to "live" certain places so I can find them quickly, and I understand more and more why some people want to manage this by controlling who puts things away. Soon I may need to enforce this just so I can find things. I'm not looking forwward to it.

[katiedid717]

I've found it frustrating enough when people put things away in the wrong places without having any kind of medical/physical reasons for needing things in certain places, I can't imagine how much worse it would be in your situation!

I used to rent out my guest bedroom for some passive income, and the last tenant I had was HORRIBLE about moving things around because she didn't like where I stored them. I ended up terminating her lease after two months because of the frustration of not being able to find things that I needed because she decided to store them in different places or, a couple times, just threw them away because she didn't know what they were.

[conuly]

Man, it's always the daughter-in-law's fault, isn't it.

[ambyr]

My favorite part is that the son, singular, bought her the home.

I guess it’s possible her son and daughter in law have completely separate finances, but it seems unlikely? But god forbid her daughter in law get partial credit for doing something generous and welcoming.

[cereta]

Seriously. The son bought her the house, the DiL is the one with the rules.

[ioplokon]

? I thought it was expected/polite to not let guests do chores? but then the guest also has to be like, no let me do something. But you have to not let them because they are the guest?

I feel like that's probably the reason vs judging the quality of housework.

[laurajv]

Many (but not all) families consider visiting family to not "count" as guests and therefore allowed to do light chores. This is true in my family & the one I married into -- it would be Very Weird if my mother-in-law, mother, or siblings prevented me from, say, doing dishes in their house if they'd had me over for dinner.

But in a friend's house, I'd have to be VERY good friends with the hosts for them to accept an offer of cleanup help.

[ellen_fremedon]

Yeah, I got the impression that the conflict is at least partially over whether a guest is someone outside the household (daughter-in-law) or outside the family (LW). Daughter-in-law is attempting to be polite and LW is reading it as a rejection of the relationship.

[mildred_of_midgard]

I am reminded of one of the Outlander books, where Claire's sister-in-law gives her the "guest" treatment:

There was a large pitcher of hot water standing by the ewer, gently steaming, and a fresh cake of soap laid alongside it.

I picked it up and sniffed. Fine-milled French soap, perfumed with lily of the valley, it was a delicate comment on my status in the household—honored guest, to be sure; but not one of the family, who would all make do as a matter of course with the usual coarse soap made of tallow and lye. “Right,” I muttered. “Well, we’ll see, won’t we?”

[katiedid717]

I think it depends on the relationship and length of stay.

My father used to get very annoyed with one of my sisters because she would go to the house for the weekend a couple times a month and complain about being hungry, ask what time they were eating, etc but not do anything to help with meal prep, dinner cleanup, etc. She only lived about an hour a day and still had a bedroom at the house because she'd only moved out a couple months prior - my dad was finally like "you are not a guest, you're a grown adult. If you're hungry, you know where the kitchen is."

A friend's mother-in-law recently spent three weeks visiting her from the UK (we're in the US). MIL was staying in a short-term rental on the same property but would walk across to my friend's place at 8 am and just...linger while friend and husband got ready for work, fed the baby, etc. Finally my friend was like "Please tell your mother than we are both working and that we cannot keep her entertained 24/7."

[ioplokon]

right & one should always offer/be happy to help, but if someone refused to let me do chores, I would assume it's because I was a guest rather than that it was some kind of personal critique (it also sounds in the letter that this was when she was still coming in from out of state...)

[katiedid717]

Yes, exactly. I visited my sister last week, she's currently single momming it while her husband is stationed overseas. She didn't want me to cook while i was there but she was fine with me emptying the dishwasher and putting things away if I could figure out where they went or leaving them neatly stacked on the counter if I didn't know. I wasn't offended by her not wanting me to cook because she and I are both of the mindset that it's more fun to cook for somebody else than it is to just cook for yourself and she doesn't really get that option very much right now. I appreciated having someone else make a meal for me

[misbegotten]

>>She calls the shots on how things go down in that household and the focus is largely on her own family.<<

LW, do you hear yourself? She wants to be responsible for how her children are handled. The horror!

>>and I’m certain it was because I didn’t do it to her standards<<

By all means, assume that it's a criticism! That will improve your relationship!

>>the body language and facial expressions toward so many of us are an annoyance<<

Who are the mysterious other people to which you are referring? Perhaps your DIL seems to radiate an uncomfortable air because she senses your constant criticisms and overreaching.

[laurajv]

I read "focus is largely on her own family" not as a focus on her children, but as a focus on her parents/siblings over MIL.

[conuly]

Which is pretty typical for our culture. LW likely was the same.

[cimorene]

Even in the unlikely situation that this DIL is legitimately awful, I still feel bad for her.

[castiron]

I can see the annoyance over the gifts -- I would be annoyed if I put a lot of effort into picking out and mailing something I thought my grandkid would like for their birthday and then their parent didn't even give it to them until weeks later. (Holding it for a couple days so that kid isn't overwhelmed with gifts on the day of, sure; weeks is ridiculous. That said, in that situation I'd ask my kid and kid-in-law if they would rather I not mail gifts or if I'm giving gifts that are actually unwanted.

And if they're buying me a house? I can be happy and cheerful in my house and mind my own business.

[p_cocincinus]

My sister-in-law, who is otherwise a lovely human, persistently bought LARGE gifts for my kid (one that jumps to mind is a pop-up tent that attached to a ball pit via a tunnel) and could not seem to grasp the fact that we lived in AN APARTMENT. My brother frequently bought gifts that were a couple of years too old for my kid (until he had his own, and now he's much better at it!). I wonder if DIL is postponing the opening of gifts because she's aware that they're inappropriate in some way and wishes she could wait until, for example, one or the other kid is older because she doesn't want to worry about anyone swallowing Legos/Orbees/Barbie shoes. Grandma strikes me as the sort who decides what she's getting for her grandbabies without accepting any feedback about it.

[castiron]

That sounds plausible too.