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minoanmissHaving MSN as my work launch page is bad for my soul but it delivers several advice columns. Content advisory: LW is extremely apprehensive about pregnancy. ( Read more... )
minoanmiss
green_grrlDear Amy: I have always been thin and fit. I eat well and exercise. Like most people, I have friends and family who struggle terribly with weight issues. I have read volumes about the genetic origins of obesity and want to be sensitive to this issue.
I can’t help but noticing, however, that the overweight people I know eat a lot more than I do, exercise less and generally lead far less healthy lifestyles. Am I to believe they’re genetically prone to these behaviors? Please help me to understand the science!
— Trying Not to Judge
( Read more... )
I can’t help but noticing, however, that the overweight people I know eat a lot more than I do, exercise less and generally lead far less healthy lifestyles. Am I to believe they’re genetically prone to these behaviors? Please help me to understand the science!
— Trying Not to Judge
( Read more... )
minoanmissDear How to Do It,
I’ve recently become “official” with a guy I’ve been with for a few months (hetero, in our 20s). He’s a little bro-y, you could say—he was in a frat, his friends are mostly loud men, he likes beer and football on the weekends, and so on. Not my usual type, but he’s quite sweet and attentive to me behind closed doors, especially in bed. However, there’s one thing that keeps getting to me: He often says things about other women that are crude at best and misogynistic at worst. ( Read more... )
I’ve recently become “official” with a guy I’ve been with for a few months (hetero, in our 20s). He’s a little bro-y, you could say—he was in a frat, his friends are mostly loud men, he likes beer and football on the weekends, and so on. Not my usual type, but he’s quite sweet and attentive to me behind closed doors, especially in bed. However, there’s one thing that keeps getting to me: He often says things about other women that are crude at best and misogynistic at worst. ( Read more... )
Dear Prudence: Offputting Gym Instructor
Feb. 21st, 2020 05:35 pmminoanmissDear Prudence,
I’ve been going to my gym for a little over a year now; I like it because it’s convenient, affordable, and offers a lot of community programs. I typically take whatever class is available at the time I stop by because I need the class format to keep me motivated, and that’s worked for me until about a few months ago, when an instructor I can’t stand started taking over most of the usual classes. She switches between positive/negative/condescending reinforcement with stunning rapidity and yells for most of the class—things like “Sweat is your fat crying” and “Think of all the food you’ll get to eat later! Crab legs, pizza, chocolate…”
I don’t know if I’m being oversensitive here. I know this is common talk in the fitness world, but I find it insulting as a fat woman and I thought this particular gym would be a more comfortable space than the name-brand fitness options. Also, being reminded of pizza in the middle of a high-intensity workout makes my stomach churn. Should I talk to her about it directly? She says she’s open to feedback, but she also says things like, “If you don’t hate me by the end of this class, then I’m not doing my job.” Write an anonymous letter to the gym? Start going to a gym farther away with different instructors?
–Combative Instructor
“I’m open to feedback” rings a bit hollow when it’s preceded by things like “I want you to hate me” and “Imagine your fat crying,” doesn’t it? If you’re feeling up to it, I’d recommend speaking to her directly: “I’d appreciate it if you’d stop telling us our fat is crying or to imagine eating junk food in the middle of a workout because we’ve ‘earned’ it; I’m working out to stay active, not to lose weight or hear comments about my body.” But given her track record, you may want to go straight to management first if you’re worried she’ll get defensive and say something like, “You need me to yell at you about your body fat.” I imagine you are not the only gymgoer who would feel sufficiently motivated if she stopped describing phantom medieval banquets or trying to make their body fat cry. There’s still plenty of things she can say! Describe the next movement, suggest a possible adjustment, offer encouragement that doesn’t rely on promises that you’ll hate her later, etc. But I don’t think writing an anonymous letter would be more effective than simply asking to talk to whoever supervises the class instructor roster and explaining your problem. In the meantime, maybe you can look for a gym buddy who’s willing to hit the free weights section or join you doing laps in the pool so you get the same sense of accountability a class would provide without the attendant yelling and smorgasbord fantasies.
I’ve been going to my gym for a little over a year now; I like it because it’s convenient, affordable, and offers a lot of community programs. I typically take whatever class is available at the time I stop by because I need the class format to keep me motivated, and that’s worked for me until about a few months ago, when an instructor I can’t stand started taking over most of the usual classes. She switches between positive/negative/condescending reinforcement with stunning rapidity and yells for most of the class—things like “Sweat is your fat crying” and “Think of all the food you’ll get to eat later! Crab legs, pizza, chocolate…”
I don’t know if I’m being oversensitive here. I know this is common talk in the fitness world, but I find it insulting as a fat woman and I thought this particular gym would be a more comfortable space than the name-brand fitness options. Also, being reminded of pizza in the middle of a high-intensity workout makes my stomach churn. Should I talk to her about it directly? She says she’s open to feedback, but she also says things like, “If you don’t hate me by the end of this class, then I’m not doing my job.” Write an anonymous letter to the gym? Start going to a gym farther away with different instructors?
–Combative Instructor
“I’m open to feedback” rings a bit hollow when it’s preceded by things like “I want you to hate me” and “Imagine your fat crying,” doesn’t it? If you’re feeling up to it, I’d recommend speaking to her directly: “I’d appreciate it if you’d stop telling us our fat is crying or to imagine eating junk food in the middle of a workout because we’ve ‘earned’ it; I’m working out to stay active, not to lose weight or hear comments about my body.” But given her track record, you may want to go straight to management first if you’re worried she’ll get defensive and say something like, “You need me to yell at you about your body fat.” I imagine you are not the only gymgoer who would feel sufficiently motivated if she stopped describing phantom medieval banquets or trying to make their body fat cry. There’s still plenty of things she can say! Describe the next movement, suggest a possible adjustment, offer encouragement that doesn’t rely on promises that you’ll hate her later, etc. But I don’t think writing an anonymous letter would be more effective than simply asking to talk to whoever supervises the class instructor roster and explaining your problem. In the meantime, maybe you can look for a gym buddy who’s willing to hit the free weights section or join you doing laps in the pool so you get the same sense of accountability a class would provide without the attendant yelling and smorgasbord fantasies.
Dear Social Q’s: Wardrobe Policing
Nov. 10th, 2017 02:59 pmlilyseaQuestion: My nephew recently married a lovely woman. His parents, who are fond of her, are socially conservative. They notice that she often wears low-cut tops, even to family dinners, which makes them uncomfortable. They mentioned this to their son, who, perhaps ill-advisedly, told his wife. Now, hurt feelings abound. How can they be friends again? And how would you have addressed this issue?
ANONYMOUS
Answer: What’s the magic word? Keep guessing if you thought, “please.” The only truly magic syllables are “sorry.” And that’s what your nephew’s parents should say to their daughter-in-law. They have insulted her in a couple of ways. First, if they don’t like low-cut blouses, they should not wear them — ever, even if they’re marked down 75 percent. But no need for them to police the wardrobes of other adults. (“Uncomfortable” with someone else’s top? Unless there’s an office dress code, get a real problem.)
An apology may also fix the bad dynamic they fostered. Criticizing their new daughter-in-law, behind her back, as if their son controlled her and her wardrobe, was a low-probability shot. Now that they know that Sonny won’t play — and good for him! — they should only tell him things about her that they would say to her face. And unless they revel in estrangement, I’d accentuate the positive.
ANONYMOUS
Answer: What’s the magic word? Keep guessing if you thought, “please.” The only truly magic syllables are “sorry.” And that’s what your nephew’s parents should say to their daughter-in-law. They have insulted her in a couple of ways. First, if they don’t like low-cut blouses, they should not wear them — ever, even if they’re marked down 75 percent. But no need for them to police the wardrobes of other adults. (“Uncomfortable” with someone else’s top? Unless there’s an office dress code, get a real problem.)
An apology may also fix the bad dynamic they fostered. Criticizing their new daughter-in-law, behind her back, as if their son controlled her and her wardrobe, was a low-probability shot. Now that they know that Sonny won’t play — and good for him! — they should only tell him things about her that they would say to her face. And unless they revel in estrangement, I’d accentuate the positive.
lilyseaDEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a woman for the last 30 years. Our children are the same age. My daughter, who is in her late 20s, has a number of tattoos on her arm that she can cover with clothing if she chooses. However, she doesn't cover them often because she likes them and they mean something to her.
Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.
I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS
DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.
Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.
I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS
DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.
