Carolyn Hax: Grandma's penchant for calling granddaughter nicknames riles mom

[cereta]

Hi, Carolyn:

My mother-in-law, "Linda," has been calling my daughter Tootsie as a nickname since the day she was born. I have no idea where this nickname came from but it drives me crazy. I have asked her to call her by her given name so she is not confused as she grows older and to avoid possible ridicule from classmates down the road. She tried to catch herself at first but now continues to call her Tootsie even with gentle reminders.

We see her about once a week, plenty of chances to correct herself, but she continues with this nickname and sometimes even comes up with other crazy ones that are really bizarre.

How do I get her to stop without causing too much tension?

-- Not a Fan of Tootsie

OMG. Let the woman call her grandchild what she wants.

"[S]o she is not confused as she grows older"? You can't have typed that with a straight face.

I'm not sure there's a person in the roiling seven billion-plus who didn't get nicknamed as a kid, and I'm reasonably confident all of them know their given names. And if there are some pet-nameless, they probably wished they'd had one because nicknaming is one of the universal currencies of affection.

Unless of course it's blatant ridicule, which Tootsie is not.

Were it not for your avoid-confusion point, I'd have spent the preceding paragraph on your "avoid possible ridicule by classmates" point, which was only a couple of degrees less acute on the see-my-own-brain scale.

When your daughter is old enough to feel the sting of classmate ridicule -- or just to have classmates -- she can tell Grandma herself that she dislikes the nickname. If for some reason she feels she can't take on Grandma on this issue, she can ask you to.

So please let's just call this what it is: You don't like Linda.

Yes? Because this is the kind of thing people forgive -- or even love -- from people they love, and complain about when they're already annoyed with someone.

If I'm wrong, then consider how your anti-Tootsie "crazy" comes across to Linda. She might think as I do.

Either way: The best approach is not, not, not to impose yourself on her relationship to your daughter or to micromanage a minor nuisance as if it's a matter of grave consequence. It is to accept that even a grandma who gets under your skin can be a gift to your child.

Let them have their own bond. It's a crucial step, if not THE step, in accepting that your daughter is a fully realized person, as opposed to a mini extension of you.

If Linda ever actually, objectively puts your daughter at risk, then you can step in. But the power of the Linda-resentment vibe I'm getting suggests you need an objective third party to help you differentiate real risks to your daughter from perceived threats to you that you spin into justifications to "protect" your daughter. This is where friends who aren't yes-friends are so valuable. They're the ones willing to tell you to chill.

Happily, readers were willing to tell us their nicknames. Thank you Booger, WooWoo, Princess Canoodles Fricky, Smidgen, Messy Bessy Knucklehead, Schmopples, Toad and Kevin. More here: http://bit.ly/BoogerBear

Comments

[cereta]

I'm curious about people's take on this. I do think LW is way overreacting about the nickname. The small fanperson was "Boo" for much of her infancy and toddlerhood, but we moved on to her name. Still, she is sometimes "Nanobot" (long story; about three steps from her name), "Babushka" (which I know makes no sense, but just kind of slips out), "Miss {Middle Name}" when she's in trouble (kind of funny given that it's my MiL's name), and of course a whole host of "sweetie/punkin/snuggaboo" sorts. And she has absolutely no confusion about her name.

Where I'm not completely sure is the extrapolation to dislike of "Linda." What do you all think?

[jadelennox]

I agree that LW was way overreacting, but I also think that Carolyn is out of line to interpret this as necessarily the LW disliking Linda. She might actually just be from a family that hates nicknames, or have her own bad experiences, or hate Dustin Hoffman, or something.

[lunabee34]

FWIW, I agree with Carolyn that this seems more motivated by dislike for Linda than any real concern for the child. I also agree that nicknaming from relatives who love you is primarily a sign of affection; if the kiddo doesn't want to be called a nickname and complains and Linda keeps doing it, then Linda is in the wrong.

It reminds me of the way my mother gnashed her teeth and wailed when I decided to keep my maiden name. "But your children will be so confused! Everyone will think you're divorced! Or that your husband is dead!" None of these things have happened, not even once. LOL

[amireal]

See, there's a good chance that "tootsie" is the straw, so to speak but yeah I also think there's not much to be done without looking like an ass. THAT BEING SAID, I wonder if this is being seen as a precursor to the child themselves asking not to be referred to by that in various situations once they are older and are worried that Linda will ignore that too, which is a much bigger and serious offense.

Basically, if this is her only offense then I'm not sure there's anything TO DO, but if there's other issues involved, this may be the one that LW is okay talking about in a public forum.


EDITED TO ADD: If the LW genuinely doesn't like Linda, that's not actually a bad thing, which Carolyn seems to imply that it is. We are allowed to not like people, even our own family. And the truth is if a parent genuinely dislikes another adult, I think that's a fairly good reason to be wary of that adult's relationship with your child.

[kiezh]

I find Carolyn's perspective pretty bizarre and unsympathetic here. People have to accept nicknames because affection? Uh, no.

At least we're all in agreement that if/when the kid has an opinion on this, theirs should be the deciding vote. But I don't actually think it's unreasonable at all to ask someone not to use a nickname you hate for your kid. Not because the kid will be confused or because of other kids or whatever, but because you hate it.

Sure, maybe LW dislikes Linda. And maybe there's a reason for that.

I have actually made requests of this type to people before: "Can you please not do [thing] around me? It drives me nuts. I get that this is a random personal quirk you are not Officially Obligated to respect, but do you really want me to be thinking about how much I hate [thing] every time we interact? I would like to interact with you without that distraction! Can you help me out here?"

If someone were to continue blithely doing [thing] with no sign of regret over the distress they are causing me... well, it doesn't mean they're an Evil Person who should be Eternally Condemned, but it is strong evidence that they don't give a shit about how I feel when we interact. Which is not going to make me like them.

So I think I'm seeing a reverse of the causal relationship others are - rather than "LW is freaking out about the nickname because LW dislikes Linda," I'm getting a vibe of "Linda is using the nickname(s) as a way to show her disdain for LW and possibly as a family power play, and this drives LW completely nuts. It probably was a much more minor issue before it became about Who Has to Respect and Defer to Whom RE: The Baby." Which is a super common point of conflict between parents and grandparents.

Also LW offers silly excuses because they (I'm getting a strong vibe of "she" but it doesn't say) have been socialized to believe that "I hate that and want you to stop" is insufficient and impolite. There has to be an external, "objective" reason. There really doesn't. You're allowed to hate a nickname Just Because and you're allowed to say so.

[ayebydan]

I do not think it is unreasonable for a parent to ask people to use the name given to their child. One of my parents greatly disliked people shortening my name because it was not the game they gave me and I respect that. In turn as I grew up and decided actually I preferred a shortened version they accepted it cause I was, you know, grown.