Carolyn Hax: What if she’s only introverted around us?

[conuly]

Hi, Carolyn: My daughter-in-law has always been quiet and polite and acts like she needs a lot of alone time. I assumed she was introverted or shy and didn’t hold it against her.

I recently met a classmate of hers who described her as talkative and outgoing. Ever since then, I’ve felt resentful of how standoffish she is with me and my husband. I told her I’d met a friend who described her as very talkative, and she said politely and emotionlessly, “Yes, they’re a fun group.”

My husband said she’s two-faced and not worth the trouble, but I want her to open up to me. I know I shouldn’t feel so angry, but I feel like she pretended to be shy to avoid me.

Is there any way I can tell her that I want her to feel free to talk to me like she would a friend?

- Angry

Wow. You’ve ascribed such terrible motives to her — when there are other explanations available — that you’ve inadvertently made a strong argument for why she’s guarded around you.

She doesn’t trust you! She does trust her friends. That’s not “two-faced,” that’s sentient. She’s reading the room and choosing to hold herself back to avoid being judged.

Now, if true, the irony here is obvious, because by being reticent she has invited the very judgment she meant to avoid. But that wouldn’t make it her fault she’s being judged; that would be on you if you’re creating the judgmental environment.

Plenty of people can be both “introverted or shy” and “talkative and outgoing.” A person can easily be talkative and outgoing when she’s feeling relaxed and confident and quiet at other times. That’s not two different personalities; that’s just one personality with a well-used “pause” button.

If that’s true of your daughter-in-law, then the way to “tell” her she’s free to talk to you like she would a friend is to be warmly and consistently accepting.

Not just of her, either. You can be lovely to people and still scare them silent if you’re nice to their faces while saying horrible things about anyone else who doesn’t happen to be in the room — be it Auntie Whoever or an entire political/religious/ethnic group. Even if you have a “those darn [large group of people]” construct that you regularly form in your mind, then it is probably coming out in your speech, and that makes you a good place to keep one’s guard up except to those who agree.

Again — given the reflexive daughter-in-law bashing over one conversation, I would say it’s unlikely that you two give off a welcoming vibe.

Upshot? Be genuine, kind, open-minded — and patient. Habits run deep, but benefits start to accrue immediately once you open yourself to the possibility that you’re the one needing to change.

Comment from reader with response:

Re: Angry: I could be the shy daughter-in-law. It just takes me a while to warm up. What could definitely keep that from happening is if I’m in the company of people who seem harsh and judgmental. A father-in-law who’s quick to call someone “two-faced and not worth the trouble” definitely falls into that category. Sheesh! You’re talking about your son’s wife. A little generosity of spirit maybe??

— D.C.

D.C.: Sheesh it is, thanks.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-what-if-shes-only-introverted-around-us/2017/08/20/710c20e0-7edd-11e7-83c7-5bd5460f0d7e_story.html

Comments

[conuly]

I hope DIL reads this, recognizes her inlaws, and proceeds to remain standoffish until they die of meannness.

[azurelunatic]

It's time to make an effort to not be in the same space as them, whether that means not attending family gatherings at their place, setting up new family gatherings that do not invite them, or perhaps evaluating whether there is also a husband problem.

[misbegotten]

Is there any way I can tell her that I want her to feel free to talk to me like she would a friend?

Try being a friend instead of a judgy angry bitch.

[mirlacca]

Yeah. She needs to realize that she's NOT a friend, she's an in-law, and of an older generation at that. If she wants to be a friend, she needs to act like one, AND realize that she doesn't fit into her DIL's friend group, so it's never going to be the same kind of relationship.

[mommy]

It looks like DIL was right to be standoffish.

[azurelunatic]

MIL here has not just herself to blame, but her husband as well. What a bunch of fun, friendly people.

[eva_rosen]

My cousin is the same way, but nobody in the family takes it badly. She has her friends (she's a dancer, and so are they) and she talks and they make parties and she's a blast. In family gatherings, there's no much to talk about and so she acts accordingly. LW is an arse, and aside from that probably a bore like my family. DIL probably doesn't even dislike her in laws (though she should), perhaps she just thinks she's being polite.

[futurism]

We are missing the context of how long their DIL has been their DIL here, which would probably make an important component of why she's acting reticent around them, or at least simply hasn't opened up yet. Carolyn is right here in which it really could be the two parts of her personality and *not* her being fake, some people are ambiverts too!

Dunno, just meeting the family of your spouse and trying to get along with them is a delicate process unless everyone is doing their part to be nice, we don't know if she's anxious about keeping a good image for them or if she thinks being quiet and polite is actually for the better with them.

[minoanmiss]

What is this Earth logic and good sense?

[futurism]

Tis a mystery... she's not opening up anytime soon if they are giving her that attitude though.

[minoanmiss]

Goodness, if I were her friend I'd probably advise her to never do so, especially if I recognized her as the 'problem' of this letter. They don't deserve her vulnerability.

[tielan]

Oh, LW, NO.

[ayebydan]

wow

[oursin]

I want her to open up to me

What is LW, a KGB interrogator? Or at the very least, one of those people who asks intrusive personal questions that other people, even if connected through marriage, may not feel a civil form of conversation.

[green_grrl]

You. Must. Be. My. FRIEND! How dare you not be chatty with me, a person from a different generation you must associate with by circumstance, not individual choice!

[naath]

yes, I am chattier with my fiends than judgy assholes (in this case my parents). It's the only way I can not just swear at their judgy assholery at every turn, and maybe salvage a civil conversation. No religion, politics, social justice... bland statements about the weather and snacks.

[cereta]

Okay, first, WOW. Talk about lack of self-awareness.

Second, did it ever occur to LW that maybe the reason DIL is chatty around her friends is common interests/shared history? I've often been pretty removed at family gatherings because I have nothing to contribute to a discussion of the current Reds roster, and they've never displayed the slightest interest in the stuff I do/enjoy/think about. Also, they're mostly assholes about it, which brings me back to point the first.