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Dear Annie: Controlling Daughter-in-Law
Dear Annie: The problem is not with our son, but his wife. They dated in high school and college, and she was friendly and nice to us during those periods, visiting us quite often. They were married after living together for more than five years, and during that time we had good relations with them. They would visit us once a week.
My son and daughter-in-law are well-educated, and they now have two young daughters, ages 6 and 3. The girls are very attached to us. But our daughter-in-law controls the girls and they rarely visit us.
When they do visit, their mother won't let the kids out of her sight. The other day, my wife showed the children the strawberries that had grown in our backyard. Their mother immediately told them not to eat them, even though my wife had said they would be washed. Their mother said no.
We helped our son and his wife financially to buy their house. They live around 10 minutes' drive from our house. Yet we go to their house only two times a year to attend our granddaughters' birthdays. Otherwise, they never invite us. Being in our 60s, we are not young. It seems odd, but even when we want to babysit, she refuses to have them stay with us. Yet her parents babysit all the time.
When he is alone with us, our son is happy to chat, but once she arrives, he becomes a totally changed person -- as if he is her puppy.
Once a week, we insist that our son have lunch with us at a restaurant during his lunch break from work. But if we bring up any issues involving his wife's attitude toward us or our grandchildren, he gets very mad, so we don't even discuss it.
We have another son and we have no problems; he and his wife let my wife babysit, and we meet with them often.
We are sad about the son whose wife has become unfriendly, and we are turning to you for advice. -- Questioning Grandparents
Dear Questioning Grandparents: Keeping your grandchildren away from you and your husband not only hurts you, but it also hurts the children. Grandparents can provide security and wisdom to their grandchildren. They can tell them stories of what their dad was like when he was their age. Kids always get a kick out of that. It is understandable that you crave a loving relationship with them. Grandkids can help grandparents to stay mentally sharp and stave off depression or loneliness.
Your daughter-in-law seems to be a controlling person, and that is creating problems for your relationship with your and for your son. So continue to tread lightly and appreciate the time you get with your son and his children, however limited it is. Also, watch that you don't try to control your own son by saying "we insist" that he have lunch with you once a week.
Keep talking to your son about your desire to have a close relationship, and explain all of the mutual benefits. Ask what would make your son and daughter-in-law more comfortable visiting or letting you babysit. Get interested in her concerns. At the same time, continue to nurture your relationship with your other son's kids and enjoy being terrific grandparents.
My son and daughter-in-law are well-educated, and they now have two young daughters, ages 6 and 3. The girls are very attached to us. But our daughter-in-law controls the girls and they rarely visit us.
When they do visit, their mother won't let the kids out of her sight. The other day, my wife showed the children the strawberries that had grown in our backyard. Their mother immediately told them not to eat them, even though my wife had said they would be washed. Their mother said no.
We helped our son and his wife financially to buy their house. They live around 10 minutes' drive from our house. Yet we go to their house only two times a year to attend our granddaughters' birthdays. Otherwise, they never invite us. Being in our 60s, we are not young. It seems odd, but even when we want to babysit, she refuses to have them stay with us. Yet her parents babysit all the time.
When he is alone with us, our son is happy to chat, but once she arrives, he becomes a totally changed person -- as if he is her puppy.
Once a week, we insist that our son have lunch with us at a restaurant during his lunch break from work. But if we bring up any issues involving his wife's attitude toward us or our grandchildren, he gets very mad, so we don't even discuss it.
We have another son and we have no problems; he and his wife let my wife babysit, and we meet with them often.
We are sad about the son whose wife has become unfriendly, and we are turning to you for advice. -- Questioning Grandparents
Dear Questioning Grandparents: Keeping your grandchildren away from you and your husband not only hurts you, but it also hurts the children. Grandparents can provide security and wisdom to their grandchildren. They can tell them stories of what their dad was like when he was their age. Kids always get a kick out of that. It is understandable that you crave a loving relationship with them. Grandkids can help grandparents to stay mentally sharp and stave off depression or loneliness.
Your daughter-in-law seems to be a controlling person, and that is creating problems for your relationship with your and for your son. So continue to tread lightly and appreciate the time you get with your son and his children, however limited it is. Also, watch that you don't try to control your own son by saying "we insist" that he have lunch with you once a week.
Keep talking to your son about your desire to have a close relationship, and explain all of the mutual benefits. Ask what would make your son and daughter-in-law more comfortable visiting or letting you babysit. Get interested in her concerns. At the same time, continue to nurture your relationship with your other son's kids and enjoy being terrific grandparents.
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She doesn't say if the other grandparents babysit by going to the kids' house, and the difference is that she insists on the kids coming to hers, but... that seems likely. It also sounds like the proposed babysitting is on Grandma's schedule, not Mom's.
And I am almost never "invited" to relatives' houses in a formal way except on holidays, we just sort of chat about how we should see each other and it works out. It kind of sounds like a) she sees them a lot, just not at their house, and b) she's expecting "invites" but not actually communicating that she wants invites (especially if she won't go there to babysit. Maybe Mom assumes Grandma doesn't *want* to go to her house.)
Anyway, reading between the lines, a) Mom is overprotective of the kids in general and b) Grandma is certain everything should be about her always and c) nobody (including the husbands) is willing to do anything proactive to resolve conflict between the two of them.
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Especially given I know multiple grown-up adults who are grossed out by the idea of eating anything that came from "outside" because it's "dirty". If the mom has never experienced food coming from anywhere other than a store before the inlaws' garden, and is very protective of her kids' eating habits and/or cleanliness, it's exactly the sort of thing I'd expect her to freak out about. And there are a surprising number of grown-ass adults in my country who don't really deep-down understand that all fruit and vegetables and grains come from plants grown in dirt. Even in relatively rural areas.
(And if there's even the slightest level of distrust about 'would the grandparents tell the truth about whether their garden is 100% organic' - and tbh this sounds like the kind of grandparents who might not, if they didn't think it mattered - the protectiveness is going to multiply that a lot.)
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Still though, in my experience, I've run across way more parents who won't let their children eat things between meals, or based on how sweet they are, than based on being grown outside.
But the 'organic' bit is perhaps the most likely, now you mention it. I can just picture my aunt and several other people of my acquaintance saying that the garden isn't food-safe because the neighbors use weedkiller and the rainwater contains traces of animal poop.
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Grandparents might have sprayed chemical weedkillers everywhere I guess, or maybe the child is allergic to strawberries and grandma is just eliding that.
I see enough advice answers with 'draw clear boundaries and 'you don't have to keep trying with your horrid relatives that I really wish advice answers to people on the receiving end of clear boundary setting and desire for less close contact would be more clearly 'you just have to GET OVER IT because you can't force people to like you'. It's not fun to be cut out of someone's life, but that it happens is a necessary consequence of believing that people have a right to set their own limits, and people really need to just learn to deal.
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Well said!
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I'm pretty sure my MIL thinks that I'm controlling access to the grandkids/her son, but in fact what happened is that her son wanted to reduce their contact. And of course it's easier to blame me for it than to blame either her son or herself.
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That advice SHOULD have started with "Okay, dear LW, before we tackle the situation you've outlined, you need to stop and do some genuine reflection on yourself and your wife, and your history with your son and his wife. You have to ask yourself do they have any reason to feel this way? Is this them - or us? Because if you don't ask yourself that, and be genuinely open to the answer (even - especially! - if it's one you don't like), then no amount of Columnist Advice is going to help you solve this problem."
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yeah this letter reminds me of the aunt and uncle i no longer speak to. years before that rift occurred, their oldest child set a boundary that they could not be around the kids alone. it set off a huge family feud! (weaponizing the other family members to call and badger them about this decision, etc.) BUT it turns out both aunt and uncle are dealing rather unsuccessfully with alcoholism, getting drunk around children, having blackouts, etc. AND ALSO that uncle has a history of sexual assault. Sooooo I think there is definitely more to this story than LW is letting on.