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I Can’t Believe Why My Husband Won’t Send Our Son to Public School
My husband and I are having some difficulty agreeing where to “send” our 5-year-old to school in the fall.
My husband comes from a small-minded family that wants to avoid Black people moving into the neighborhood, still refers to Black people by the N-word (never in front of our children), and generally acts as though people of other races/ethnicities/cultures are less than they are. My husband, unfortunately, absorbed some of these qualities, but I’ve been adamant that he be at least neutral towards BIPOC in front of our children and me, and he has been respectful of that so far. He went to private school from kindergarten until graduation.
I was raised primarily by my mom and grandparents, and when I was 10 my mom and I moved to a town that was split 65 percent African American, 30 percent white, and 5 percent other races. While there was some gang activity, by and large I had a very successful outcome from the public school system.
Now it’s approaching time for our 5-year-old to begin school, and my husband and I are butting heads on whether he should attend the private or public school in our town. By and large I am in favor of the public school, just based on the facts that it’s free and they are better equipped to serve a special needs child (our son has ADHD). I’m not entirely opposed to the private school, but I want us to make an informed and educated decision. I also admit that I am prejudiced against the private school because I don’t think he’ll receive the same quality education, and I also think this particular private school exists mainly for white flight and further perpetuates the necessity of the Black Lives Matter movement. My family supports the use of public schools.
However, the same can’t be said for my husband, who is being largely influenced by his family. He is strongly against public school, and thinks our son will turn out to be a “thug”—his words verbatim. I feel like he’s refusing to acknowledge the struggles we’ve already faced by having our son in a day care affiliated with a private school: elitism, exclusion, and a lack of willingness to accommodate his mental health needs. His family really doesn’t want our son in public school, and are discouraging my husband from “letting me” send him there.
Can you weigh in on the pros and cons of both school systems and perhaps weigh in on your thoughts?
If it matters, we are in a small town in South Carolina, about 45 minutes south of the state capital.
—At an Impasse
Dear At an Impasse,
Honestly? I doubt that your husband will be persuaded by a pros-and-cons argument of private versus public education. Your husband wants to send your son to a private school despite the increased cost, the lack of services for students with ADHD, the previous negative experiences you had with private preschool, and the fact that you yourself received an excellent education from public school. Why? Because he’s racist. That’s why he’s refusing to acknowledge the issues you’ve raised with private schooling; for him, the most important factor is keeping your son in a de facto segregated school. What could I possibly say to counteract that?
Look, maybe you will convince your husband that public school is the right choice. But ask yourself: Will he continue to button up his racism for the next 13 years? If your son has a Black teacher, will your husband respect her? If your son makes Black friends, will your husband be kind and welcoming to them? Will your husband learn to acknowledge the humanity and worth of Black people, Indigenous people, people of color? I sincerely hope so, but it’s also possible the opposite will happen; he could start to behave like the rest of his family. Even if he continues to be “neutral” toward BIPOC, as you say, I find it hard to believe that your children will not eventually pick up on his true feelings. Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for.
In saying this, I’m not trying to push you into the private school, honestly. I believe wholeheartedly in the mission and promise of public schools. Public education isn’t only about “what’s best for my kid”; it’s about what’s best for all of us. Our society is better off with strong public schools, and our public schools would be stronger if we all sent our kids to them, if we invested in them equitably, if we treated them like the cornerstone of democracy they are.
Unfortunately, I don’t think your disagreement over this issue will be limited to school. You and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart—perhaps with the help of a professional—about your values as individuals and as parents, about the kind of person you want your son to become, and the best way to prepare him for the future that awaits him. I will be thinking of you, Impasse.
—Ms. Holbrook (high school teacher, Texas)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/02/husband-private-school-racism-advice.html
My husband comes from a small-minded family that wants to avoid Black people moving into the neighborhood, still refers to Black people by the N-word (never in front of our children), and generally acts as though people of other races/ethnicities/cultures are less than they are. My husband, unfortunately, absorbed some of these qualities, but I’ve been adamant that he be at least neutral towards BIPOC in front of our children and me, and he has been respectful of that so far. He went to private school from kindergarten until graduation.
I was raised primarily by my mom and grandparents, and when I was 10 my mom and I moved to a town that was split 65 percent African American, 30 percent white, and 5 percent other races. While there was some gang activity, by and large I had a very successful outcome from the public school system.
Now it’s approaching time for our 5-year-old to begin school, and my husband and I are butting heads on whether he should attend the private or public school in our town. By and large I am in favor of the public school, just based on the facts that it’s free and they are better equipped to serve a special needs child (our son has ADHD). I’m not entirely opposed to the private school, but I want us to make an informed and educated decision. I also admit that I am prejudiced against the private school because I don’t think he’ll receive the same quality education, and I also think this particular private school exists mainly for white flight and further perpetuates the necessity of the Black Lives Matter movement. My family supports the use of public schools.
However, the same can’t be said for my husband, who is being largely influenced by his family. He is strongly against public school, and thinks our son will turn out to be a “thug”—his words verbatim. I feel like he’s refusing to acknowledge the struggles we’ve already faced by having our son in a day care affiliated with a private school: elitism, exclusion, and a lack of willingness to accommodate his mental health needs. His family really doesn’t want our son in public school, and are discouraging my husband from “letting me” send him there.
Can you weigh in on the pros and cons of both school systems and perhaps weigh in on your thoughts?
If it matters, we are in a small town in South Carolina, about 45 minutes south of the state capital.
—At an Impasse
Dear At an Impasse,
Honestly? I doubt that your husband will be persuaded by a pros-and-cons argument of private versus public education. Your husband wants to send your son to a private school despite the increased cost, the lack of services for students with ADHD, the previous negative experiences you had with private preschool, and the fact that you yourself received an excellent education from public school. Why? Because he’s racist. That’s why he’s refusing to acknowledge the issues you’ve raised with private schooling; for him, the most important factor is keeping your son in a de facto segregated school. What could I possibly say to counteract that?
Look, maybe you will convince your husband that public school is the right choice. But ask yourself: Will he continue to button up his racism for the next 13 years? If your son has a Black teacher, will your husband respect her? If your son makes Black friends, will your husband be kind and welcoming to them? Will your husband learn to acknowledge the humanity and worth of Black people, Indigenous people, people of color? I sincerely hope so, but it’s also possible the opposite will happen; he could start to behave like the rest of his family. Even if he continues to be “neutral” toward BIPOC, as you say, I find it hard to believe that your children will not eventually pick up on his true feelings. Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for.
In saying this, I’m not trying to push you into the private school, honestly. I believe wholeheartedly in the mission and promise of public schools. Public education isn’t only about “what’s best for my kid”; it’s about what’s best for all of us. Our society is better off with strong public schools, and our public schools would be stronger if we all sent our kids to them, if we invested in them equitably, if we treated them like the cornerstone of democracy they are.
Unfortunately, I don’t think your disagreement over this issue will be limited to school. You and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart—perhaps with the help of a professional—about your values as individuals and as parents, about the kind of person you want your son to become, and the best way to prepare him for the future that awaits him. I will be thinking of you, Impasse.
—Ms. Holbrook (high school teacher, Texas)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/02/husband-private-school-racism-advice.html
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(Also? He's a grown-ass man. Stop excusing his bigotry with "unfortunately, he absorbed it from his parents", like a nasty smell from the fridge, to extend this butter metaphor.)
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Fun fact: my sister lived with a guy for years before finding out that he was a racist because she thought discussing politics or morals was a downer, or something, and it somehow never came up at all until the Ferguson protests, when she found out because he asked why she was crying and failed to understand her explanation when she explained. The relationship did not last long after that. This lady probably needed to do what my sister did subsequently, which was thoroughly discuss the values that are important to you at least once before getting married, even if it's a downer.
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LW can point out that she went to a diverse public school and didn’t turn out to be a “thug,” but frankly, her husband needs to fix his heart and mind, and she can’t do that for him.
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But I don't think that's the actual issue here. The actual issue here, LW, is whether your husband shares your values, which it seems clear he doesn't, and what you want to do about that. My sympathies.
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(Though given the overlap of schooling, you could argue that our experiences are less representative of private school in general. 😂 Still, my elementary was nothing like yours.)
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This isn’t going to go well and you’re going to lose your mind jumping through the hoops of denial if you stay with him. Plus your enabling of him will allow him to be the hero in the mind of many people just as proto-Trumpist as him, when he should be regarded as a satirical figure of how horrible right wing white people are. Divorce now and go live with Maude. You won’t get better advice than this.
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"And then there's Maude...!"
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