A few letters involving very small children (and one pregnancy)

[conuly]

1. Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law wants a much closer relationship with me than I feel comfortable with. She began calling me “mom” when she and my son first got engaged. I’ve told her several times that I would prefer to be called by my first name, but she still calls me mom.

A few months after the wedding, she began dropping by my house unannounced. I asked her to stop; she acted like I was kidding. The issue came to a head one day when she dropped by while I was in the shower. She let herself in with a key she had copied from my son’s keychain. I let my anger get the best of me and I spoke harshly to her. Later that day she sent a long email about how hurt she is that I “play favorites” by allowing my college-age son to come and go as he pleases, but I want her to call first.

Now she is pregnant, and it’s gotten worse. She texts me multiple times a day in the voice of the baby. “Good Mowning Grammy! I kept my mommy up all night with the burpies. Did my daddy ever do that when he was in your belly?” She wants me and her mother to go to her appointments and be in the delivery room. I have no idea how to manage my relationship with her in a way that doesn’t cause strife in my son’s marriage.

– Overwhelmed by Affection

Dear Affection: She’s eager and probably struggling to figure you out, but it’s time to say night-night to some of these widdle habits.

Coming into your house unannounced with a key she wasn’t given isn’t a whoopsie daisy. She’s an adult and can understand that ignoring boundaries isn’t a sign of love.

In a calm moment, talk to her about respect. Explain that you love her and want to build a relationship with her, but when she does these things, it feels disrespectful to you.

If she interprets your boundaries as slights against her or jokes, that’s a red flag. It’s manipulative.

She may not have had good models for this kind of relationship (unclear what’s going on with her own mom), but if she’s not open to hearing you, you can’t build something healthy. Ask your son for insight but frame your talk around what you want your relationship to be, not what you have problems with.

Forcing yourself to go to appointments will only create more resentment. So, decline. “I don’t think that works for me, but I can’t wait for the baby shower.” As to the baby talk texts … oh my goo-goo-gah-gah; I can’t believe I’m going to write this … ignore it for now. You can’t win them all.

Link 1

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2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband has been sharp-edged as long as I have known him, and I have known him for nearly 40 years.

Our son learned at a young age that his father is not the easiest guy to put up with, but also that underneath it all, he is a good man, a good provider, loves his family above everything else, and would do anything to keep us safe and sound.

My daughter-in-law grew up in what couldn’t be a more different family. Her parents are quiet, soft-spoken, and the sort who, even with a family of six kids, apparently never yelled or lost their temper. (Although I find that hard to believe!)

The last time we all got together, her family and ours, my husband made a comment about how soft our son and daughter-in-law were being on their toddler. She has no limits, and I agree she gets away with many things our kids never would have so much as tried.

My daughter-in-law got very offended, and she and my husband got into a row about how children should be raised. He basically told her she was doing it all wrong, that children need limits and discipline, and she called him a nasty old man who terrorized his own son when he was growing up.

I tried to make some sort of peace, but the visit ended with us leaving their house and my daughter-in-law saying we were not to be anywhere near her daughter because she was afraid my husband would yell at her or worse if she did anything any normal toddler would do.

I know my husband would never hurt his granddaughter, and I have been her most regular babysitter. Now I am barred from doing what I love in caring for her and what I know gave our son and his wife a break they, like any young parents, require.

Do you think it is fair that I am being punished because my husband spoke his mind? --- I DID NOTHING WRONG

DEAR I DID NOTHING WRONG: You mentioned your daughter-in-law’s reaction to your husband’s comment, but not how your son responded.

While you believe he long ago figured his father has a soft interior wrapped up in a rough exterior, your daughter-in-law’s statement makes me think it’s possible your son doesn’t see your husband in the same light as you do, and therefore shares his wife’s opinion.

I think you, your son, and daughter-in-law need to have an open discussion about the ban on your babysitting. It might not change anyone’s opinion about your husband, but perhaps you’ll have the opportunity to make your case for being allowed to be around and care for your granddaughter.

Hopefully, they’ll welcome your return to babysitting for them, even if it needs to be just you for at least the time being.

Link 2

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3. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been catching it from my wife and daughter about my not wanting to change diapers or bathe or feed my new granddaughter.

Truth is my wife did all those things for our own babies without hardly any help from me because the nature of my work meant she had to carry most of the childcare load. Even when I got out of the service while our kids were still little, I went to work for a long-haul trucking company, which I stayed at until I retired.

I have tried to pitch in some when we have our granddaughter over, but I get told I am not doing it right, so between that and being lacking in experience, I find it is much easier to step back and let the ladies do their thing. And then I get in trouble for that too!

I really do want to help, especially because this is my chance to do the baby duty I missed out on all those years ago. But what is a new Grandpa to do? --- NEW GRANDPA

DEAR NEW GRANDPA: I think it’s time you openly tell your wife and daughter that you truly want to help but feel less than prepared for the job of caring for your baby granddaughter.

You can still probably expect them to give you a little flack, but hopefully they’ll also provide you with some necessary on-the-job-training.

Don’t be shy about asking why things are or aren’t done a certain way. Such questions may prove useful to you and provide the ladies with a chance to explain the reasons behind what they do.

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Comments

[conuly]

1. If Son gave this woman the key then it's time to change the locks entirely. He absolutely should not have done that.

At any rate, LW needs to suddenly have a lot of plans that will, sadly, keep her from doing things with this person. She doesn't need to disclose that those plans are "keeping the hell away from you, you weirdo".

2. I notice LW doesn't bother to tell us what, exactly, Toddler does that LW's children would "never have tried".

Anyway, LW certainly did do something wrong if she enabled abuse and is now continuing to defend it.

3. You don't exactly need a doctorate to change diapers or bathe the baby. So either LW is really playing up how incompetent he is, or his family members are wildly overprotective of their role as Baby Carers. Could go either way, honestly.

But what I don't understand is why "letting the ladies do their thing" means he's just "standing back". I'm sure he wouldn't get this level of criticism if while they were bonding with Baby, he was doing the laundry and prepping lunch. And then he'd be free to play with Baby in the downtime.

[full_metal_ox]

Now she is pregnant, and it’s gotten worse. She texts me multiple times a day in the voice of the baby. “Good Mowning Grammy! I kept my mommy up all night with the burpies. Did my daddy ever do that when he was in your belly?”

“I don’t think that works for me, but I can’t wait for the baby shower.” As to the baby talk texts … oh my goo-goo-gah-gah; I can’t believe I’m going to write this … ignore it for now. You can’t win them all.

What I can’t wait for is the point where Pwecious Widdle Angel is in a position to start ad-libbing their own Mommy-unscripted dialogue, complete with non sequiturs, SHRIIIIIEKS, embarrassing household revelations, squirmily awkward questions, and where the @#$*&%! did they learn that word?

[conuly]

I don't think it will help much.

[mrissa]

Yeah, sadly I have known several kids who picked up cutesy-wutesy baby talk from parental expectations and held onto it far too long. Doesn't mean that they didn't shriek and come out with non sequiturs ALSO, but awkward questions PLUS performative baby voice are unlikely to make "Grammy" less annoyed.

[katiedid717]

One of my friends has a son named Henry - she calls him "Hennies," her father is "Gampa," her mother-in-law is "Gamma," and one of her brother is "Uncle Jeppy" (he's always gone by Jeff or Jeffrey). I seriously wonder if his teachers are going to think he has a speech impediment in a year or so.

[mrissa]

1. I feel like LW has been a bit too kid gloves with DIL. "You're playing favorites!" "You're right, I'm not treating you like YoungerSon...because you're not! He is in college and we are his parents. You are a grown-ass adult and we are your parents-in-law. Not the same, not gonna treat you the same, doesn't mean I don't care about you, but that's a very weird expectation to have." You can say it out loud. It's fine.

2. I think it's the totalizing nature of the description of her DIL's family that really sets me off here. They can't just be more soft-spoken and gentler than LW's own nightmare of a husband, they have to be pretending, falsely, to be perfect. This is the kind of commentary I have seen way too many times from people who are trying to justify the abuser in their own home, whether it's themselves or someone else: that if you snap at your kids once in their childhood, you're basically all the same as the abusive screamer and have no grounds to ask for better treatment.

LW is conspicuously silent about how she behaved when her DIL and her husband were having their fight, which probably would tell us a lot about why she's suffering for "his" behavior.

Also, stop trying to make yourself the martyr, LW. "I'M just giving them their MUCH-NEEDED break, I'm the GOOD GUY!" Yeah, it's not a break when people are worried about what abusive shit their kids are being subjected to in their absence, that's not actually relaxing, own up.

3. Maybe they're telling you you're doing it wrong because you're doing it wrong, LW. Maybe you need to get comfortable with the idea that you don't know everything but can learn, rather than shutting down. Because by your own admission you're going with what's easier for you, not what's better for your relationship with anyone in your family. AMAB people are allowed to admit they don't know things and then learn them. It's fine.

[lokifan]

Yes to all of this.

[katiedid717]

Not to mention that with #1, LW's house is most likely still Younger Son's permanent address

[conuly]

It's not clear to me that there are multiple sons. It seems possible that the son who is in college and comes and goes is the same one married to this overbearing nitwit. College-aged is not too young to marry and/or have a baby.

[katiedid717]

Y'know, you would think I had considered that option since one of my sisters got married two weeks after her freshman year of college ended! I guess I made the assumption that there was a second son since marrying at college age is not the norm where I am

[redbird]

Partway through the second letter, I was reminded of Captain Awkward's statement that she will no longer answer any letters from women asking what their husband/boyfriend/any other man should be doing. That's not exactly what's going on here, with the "tried to make some kind of peace," but the answer to "my husband and my daughter-in-law had a huge fight" should at least include something like "that's between them, stop trying to be the intermediary."

That one has a "first I will defend my husband fron accusations you haven't made" energy, before it gets to admitting that both she and her husband think their son and daughter-in-law are raising their daughter wrong. I suspect that her attempts to defend/justify his actions made them worry about what she might be doing or saying as a babysitter. She admits in passing that this toddler "gets away with" things their children wouldn't even have tried. If I were the son or daughter-in-law, I'd be wondering, if not asking, what LW would do if the toddler did something like that hile she was babysitting.

[castiron]

1. Tonstant weader fwowed up. (Also, where is son in all this?)

2. From listening to relatives, I definitely let my small kids "get away with" behavior that the older relatives wouldn't have been allowed to do. Those behaviors are things like asking questions, expressing unhappiness with what they're told to do, and not immediately dropping what they're doing and attending to me at an age/brain wiring where they need 5-10 seconds to switch attention and it's not an emergency. I didn't let them get away with hitting people, damaging property, or ignoring a direct command from me, but I didn't expect, say, instant and uncomplaining obedience.

So I'd really like to know specifics of what LW2 thinks her grandkids are getting away with.

3. LW, there's a big difference between "well, doing it wrong, guess I'm not even going to try" and "well, doing it wrong, so what do I need to do differently?"

[jadelennox]

re: 1. Amazing how she foretold the arrival of LW's DIL 95 years ago.

[sporky_rat]

I wonder if Number Three has tried to ask, "What am I doing wrong" and the parent/his wife take over and don't actually show him.

I know A Lot of people don't learn unless they're hands on, and it's Easier (sarcasm) to just take the thing and do it quickly and correctly instead of teaching.

[azurelunatic]

I wonder if framing it differently could help? Specifically:

You are the new recruit here; your wife is the seasoned old drill instructor, and your daughter has recently graduated boot camp. Instead of sulking when you're told you're doing it wrong, please ask for a demonstration, and ideally the instructions in writing, so you can refer to them when you're doing it on your own. The consequences of getting a diaper on wrong don't seem like life and death, but it could mean that the grossest pile of liquid shit that you've seen since that morning with your hungover friend escapes into the crib, or all down your shirt and on a couch that can't be washed while you're holding the little angel. Feeding the baby wrong could mean she swallows too much air, which could lead to hours and hours of high-pitched screaming.

[full_metal_ox]

Exactly. Even if you’re seventy when you first set foot in the dojo, you have to bow to the Sensei’s ten-year-old kid as a senior classmate.

[movingfinger]

"...he is a good man, a good provider, loves his family above everything else, and would do anything to keep us safe and sound."

NARRATOR VOICE: This man probably is not a good man.

[conuly]

Yeah, any time "good provider" comes so early in the list you know it bodes ill for the man himself.

[minoanmiss]

1 I wonder why DIL is being so clingy but that is really not LW's problem.

2 UGH.

3 way to weaponize that incompetence.