agonyaunt | Entries tagged with personal appearance

Our 1st-grade son has been wanting to grow out his hair since around preschool. My partner and I have been supportive of this because we honestly don’t care what his hair looks like as long as he likes how it looks. His other parent has not enjoyed the long hair look and has been pretty vocal about it. They’ve taken him to get his hair cut a few times now, without notifying us first, twice explicitly against his will (where he told us both times he was very upset). A few weeks ago, he told me at bedtime that his other parent keeps bugging him about cutting his hair, which bothers him a lot. My partner and I reiterated to him that he gets to keep his hair however he wants because it’s his hair. It’s something all three parents had multiple conversations and agreements about.

(Our rules for keeping long hair are that he has to routinely shampoo and condition and use a wet brush in the shower to keep it tangle-free. He also understands the concept of dead-ends and knew he’d need a trim soon—which he was not very happy about until he realized it would make his hair healthier.)

Well, his other parent took him to get a haircut this week. They told us that our son said “yes” and was fine with it. It is not a trim. A lot got cut. The parent wanted it shorter but didn’t go shorter because our son didn’t want that. In the moment, we said explicitly (and calmly and kindly), “Please don’t cut his hair again without letting us know first, because the last time we spoke to him, he was really against a haircut and we would have wanted to hear it from him first.” Other parent explains that they had a very jokey, fun time about it. We asked our son how he felt about his hair, with all three of us with him, and he kind of brushed us off and said it was fine. It felt like he didn’t want to talk about it. When he got back to our house, we asked him again. We were super casual about it and said the answer didn’t really matter, we were just really curious and wanted to learn what made him change his mind about wanting a haircut. He said he didn’t really want it, but that his other parent told him, “I’m just going to keep asking you until you say yes,” (I imagine this was supposed to be a joke?), and so he said yes because he was annoyed and wanted it to stop. How would you proceed from here?

—Co-parents

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conuly

Dear Annie: I am a 29-year-old woman, and I've been having an ongoing debate with my boyfriend of 10 years.

I wear makeup because I am insecure about my skin and my face in general. I have tried any and all products recommended to me to help clear up my skin.

I have suffered from eating disorders in the past and have constant fixation and amplification of every flaw, so I'm aware of the fact that it might be body dysmorphia that is in part driving my anxiety about my face. I am going into therapy and seeing a dermatologist next month, and I will start my process there.

But in the meantime, when I look in the mirror at my bare face, I see a monster. Makeup takes away some of that anxiety -- gives me confidence in myself, allowing me to enjoy life a little more.

While I know that it is not healthy to be so dependent on cosmetics, they are helping me get through these feelings for now.

The problem is that my boyfriend hates that I wear makeup. He constantly insists that I stop wearing it, to the point that we regularly get in heated arguments about this. He even jokingly says he will break up with me if I continue to wear it. I tell him that not wearing makeup just doesn't work for me. I tried it once for a year. It didn't clear up my skin, and it was horrible emotionally.

I really don't know what to say to him at this point other than that I am in the process of hopefully solving this problem, but even if my blemishes clear up, the mental and emotional aspects will take time. I understand others will say: "It's just makeup. Ditch it for him if you really love him!" But I don't think people understand how much I really can't stand seeing the face I have naked in the mirror. It brings me to tears and causes anxiety attacks -- which I feel like my boyfriend would resent me even more for. He doesn't have much patience for insecurity of any kind. I'm not sure what to tell him other than, "Let's wait and see." Any advice? -- Can't Face the Mirror

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conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 23-year-old woman facing a dilemma within my friend group of four. Our group consists of two girls, including myself, and two guys. The other girl in our group enjoys wearing a significant amount of makeup. I don't mind this, as I believe everyone has the right to express themselves in a way that makes them feel confident and beautiful. However, our male friends consistently give her a hard time about her makeup choices. They go as far as telling her to take it off, claiming that she looks ugly with it on. This situation makes me uncomfortable, and I'm unsure about how to address it. I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices regarding their appearance without facing judgment from others. How can I approach my male friends to express my concerns about their comments without causing unnecessary conflict within our friend group? -- Friend Drama

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ysobel

From the Carolyn Hax chat:

Should I comment on altered appearance?

A technician who has serviced out HVAC system for 15 years came today. He was wearing hoop earrings, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick. My first thought was "that's a little dramatic for daytime wear." I know that he is married and has adult children. I didn't comment on his transformation. He'll be back in six months -- should I say something then?

Carolyn Hax

"That's a great color on you." (Translation: You're safe here.) Otherwise, no.

[isa comment: I love CH's reply, no notes! but am eyebrowing hard at the LW, especially for "dramatic" and the relevance of marriage/kids]

azurelunatic

First letter:

HR won’t do anything about a coworker who’s angry about my weight loss
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/02/hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html

& original community discussion https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/594086.html

( Dramatic clothing size drop due to removal of dangerously large )

What on earth. ( More of Alison's response )

Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/update-hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
( OP lawyers up, high-up HR's response, and Aubrey's lawn tantrum )

green_grrl

Dear Amy: I have always been thin and fit. I eat well and exercise. Like most people, I have friends and family who struggle terribly with weight issues. I have read volumes about the genetic origins of obesity and want to be sensitive to this issue.

I can’t help but noticing, however, that the overweight people I know eat a lot more than I do, exercise less and generally lead far less healthy lifestyles. Am I to believe they’re genetically prone to these behaviors? Please help me to understand the science!

— Trying Not to Judge

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minoanmiss

Content advisory: fatphobia, requests for justification for bigotry. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: annoyed

minoanmiss

Work has left me too frayed to braid in additions, but I still had to award this one a ribbon. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: giggly

conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend does not believe in shaving her armpit hair, and it’s starting to become an issue. She believes that shaving armpit hair is unnatural and conformist. She didn’t have these beliefs when we first started dating, so I feel that it’s unfair for her to expect me to have no problem with it now. I’m afraid to ask her to shave because I don’t want to seem like I do not support this journey (although I do find it questionable). What can I do? -- Girlfriend Going Natural

( LW doesn't say, but I feel confident that he's a cis dude. Like, 90% sure, at least )

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

One of my daughters, who is 12, hates roller coasters. I’m not sure why, but she has always despised them. My wife will not let her just sit out the amusement park rides. When my daughter was younger, she would kick and scream, and my wife would just pick her up and put her on the ride even if she was crying. She insists “she’ll learn to enjoy them,” but so far she hasn’t. Now that our daughter is older, my wife still forces her on the rides by threatening to ground her or take away electronics. My daughter isn’t afraid of heights or prone to motion sickness. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t like roller coasters, and she just says they make her feel weird. I’ve never met anyone who dislikes roller coasters without a reason. At this point, I’m ready to just let her do something else for the day so we don’t have to deal with her attitude, but my wife is still insistent that she rides these rides. Is there a reason she’s acting like this? Is there a way to get her to enjoy them so we can finally have peace?

—Rough Rides

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m 14 and in ninth grade. I’ve gained some weight since the pandemic started. I don’t know exactly how much, but I’m still within the “healthy” range of BMI. The problem is that my mom thinks I’m really fat and last week she took all my clothes. She let me keep my pajamas and some of my sweat pants, but nothing that she thought was too small or too tight. She says that she doesn’t want me walking around looking like an overstuffed sausage. She gave me a stack of my dad’s old T-shirts and baggy cotton shorts to wear instead. I asked her if we could just go shopping and buy some new clothes in larger sizes. I even offered to pay for it myself with my allowance. She said if she let me get new clothes then that would send the message that being fat is OK. She thinks if I want to have nice clothes then I need to do a better job of taking care of my body. Before the pandemic, I was a lot more active, but I haven’t been able to play sports as much since everything got shut down last year. I’ve tried to talk to her about how embarrassed I am by the clothes she’s making me wear, but she doesn’t care. I feel so embarrassed when I leave the house now that I barely go out anymore. My dad won’t help at all; he says it’s between my mom and me. I just want to wear my normal clothes again and hang out with my friends. What should I do?

—Fourteen and Fat

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These are from the same column, and I sincerely hope they're fake and nobody is this abusive: https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/07/buying-vibrator-stepdaughter-care-and-feeding.html

commodorified

I’m a twentysomething man who has been dating a woman for a few months now. We’re both river guides and have known each other for a few years, but it wasn’t until this summer that things really started to click. She’s funny, adventurous, and beautiful. I’ll call her Lily.
I’m embarrassed to admit this problem to anyone, but this is an anonymous advice column, so here goes.
The thing is, Lily doesn’t shave her armpits. Intellectually, I’m drawn to the fact that she’s confident enough to rock body hair. I know a million reasons why Lily’s natural body hair isn’t unsexy. But when we’re making out, and her shirt comes off, it’s a complete turnoff to me. Seeing that hair just ruins the mood.
I know that if I’d grown up in a culture where women’s armpit hair was more normal, it wouldn’t bother me. I know it’s shallow, and I feel terrible that I can’t just get over this. Am I being a jerk if I tell her how I feel? I don’t want to ask her to change for me.

( Look, you should never feel terrible about how your body responds to things. Your body does what it does, and what matters is how you decide to act on it. )

minoanmiss

[Sorry for posting from AAM a lot, but I'm there almost every day as I continue working on my job-hunt.]

A Reader Writes: (#2 at the link)

My hair is naturally thick, curly, and voluminous. I do my best to keep it in neat spirals, but every once in awhile it gets a mind of its own and starts to frizz. When this happens, I pull it back into a ponytail (even though that makes it look like I have a bush growing out of my head). I used to straighten it when I was in college, but it was very damaging and took many hours a week to maintain, so I’ve learned to live with the curls.

I am a receptionist at a university in a wealthy and conservative area. On a recent humid day, my hair began to frizz mid-day. Before I got the chance to grab a ponytail holder from my bag, I interacted with a parent who told me my hair looked unprofessional and I later found out complained to my boss about it. My boss told me this wasn’t the first time he’s gotten a complaint about my hair and asked me to do something to make it look more “normal.” I’m stumped on what to do. I don’t want to spend a ton of time or money straightening it. Updos aren’t a great option because my hair tends to be too thick for pins or clips to hold for extended periods of time. Are daily ponytails my best bet? I would love to hear if you and your readers have guidelines on professional hair or experience with this. Also, in case readers are wondering, my hair texture is not indicative of any ethnicity or culture that might get my boss in hot water for his “normal” hair comment.

I am a pale white girl from the southern U.S.

People are complaining to your boss about your hair? And a parent even complained to your face about it? Unless your hair is a crazed rat’s nest, this is ridiculous.
You have voluminous hair. That’s how your hair is. As long as you’re keeping it reasonably well groomed, a little bit of frizz is not offensive or unprofessional. You certainly don’t need to straighten it!
The one thing I’ll note is that you didn’t say how long your hair is. It’s true that long hair — whether curly or straight — sometimes does look more professionally polished when it’s pulled back, and ponytails are a good option for that. If you’re working around people who are the type of complain about other people’s hair (and apparently you are) and you feel like you need to mollify them, ponytails might be your answer.
But truly, if your boss makes any more comments about “normal” hair, it’s reasonable to point out that this is your normal hair.

Current Mood: curious

lilysea

Question: My nephew recently married a lovely woman. His parents, who are fond of her, are socially conservative. They notice that she often wears low-cut tops, even to family dinners, which makes them uncomfortable. They mentioned this to their son, who, perhaps ill-advisedly, told his wife. Now, hurt feelings abound. How can they be friends again? And how would you have addressed this issue?
ANONYMOUS

Answer: What’s the magic word? Keep guessing if you thought, “please.” The only truly magic syllables are “sorry.” And that’s what your nephew’s parents should say to their daughter-in-law. They have insulted her in a couple of ways. First, if they don’t like low-cut blouses, they should not wear them — ever, even if they’re marked down 75 percent. But no need for them to police the wardrobes of other adults. (“Uncomfortable” with someone else’s top? Unless there’s an office dress code, get a real problem.)

An apology may also fix the bad dynamic they fostered. Criticizing their new daughter-in-law, behind her back, as if their son controlled her and her wardrobe, was a low-probability shot. Now that they know that Sonny won’t play — and good for him! — they should only tell him things about her that they would say to her face. And unless they revel in estrangement, I’d accentuate the positive.

lilysea

( Creepy man is busybody )

lilysea

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a woman for the last 30 years. Our children are the same age. My daughter, who is in her late 20s, has a number of tattoos on her arm that she can cover with clothing if she chooses. However, she doesn't cover them often because she likes them and they mean something to her.

Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.

I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS

DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.