Dear Prudence: My Brother's New Wife Wants Me To Take Down Pictures of His Late Wife

[minoanmiss]

My brother’s first wife, “Lynn,” was my dearest friend and my daughter’s namesake. She was murdered, and the killer was never caught. This has devastated our family for decades. My brother is in his mid-40s now and remarried. I liked my new sister-in-law “Karen” until she requested I redecorate my house. I was an artist in my youth; some of my best works involve Lynn and my daughter. I have them scattered through our home. Lynn was an artist as well and did some watercolors of my parents and our old childhood home. I have hung those paintings in my guest room for more than a decade.

Karen pulled me aside at my parents’ home to confront me. She told me that staying at my home was “morbid” for her, she saw it as a “shrine” to Lynn, and I was “undermining” her marriage by asking her to sleep in my guest room. I was shocked. I told Karen I never gave much thought to how she would feel about my house decor. This offended Karen greatly, and she told me flat-out that my brother would never be staying in my house again. At this point, I asked Karen if I should change my daughter’s name since it must offend her so. Karen turned red and left in a huff.

The topic has not come back up, but my brother has rejected invitations to visit over the summer and will be missing the celebration for my daughter going off to college. I asked my brother if staying at a motel rather in my home would make Karen more comfortable. He stuttered and ended the call. My brother has come to every major life event for all my children. He is especially close to my daughter. I have a wedding picture of my brother and Karen on the wall with the rest of the family photos. I haven’t spoken to anyone about my conversation with Karen. What should I do? My daughter is upset her uncle isn’t coming, and my sons miss him.

I feel like I’ve been getting a variation on this question every day for the past few months, and I’d like to take a second to offer a PSA to people who marry widows and widowers: If they or some of their relatives keep up some pictures or other mementos of the deceased, it’s free and easy to just let it go! Having a few fond memories of a dead partner does not mean that you’re going to be pushed out at arm’s length and treated like an also-ran. Don’t demand that your partner’s relatives tear down every old photograph or piece of art that features someone they loved who died. It’s cruel, it’s demanding, and if you feel that threatened by a simple reminder of the dead, it’s not going to actually soothe your anxieties in the long run.

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I think the best move for you here is to prepare to celebrate your daughter heading off to college without trying to rush a reconciliation with her uncle, while also making it clear to him that the door is always open. I also think it’s worth going through your brother, rather than directly to Karen, at least in part because she seems so threatened that I’m concerned she won’t be able to listen to reason when you offer it to her. Give him a call in a few weeks when you’ve both had the chance to get a little distance, and tell him that you want to try again, that you miss him and want him and Karen to visit, that you understand if they’d rather stay in a nearby hotel (this time offering sincerely what before was offered as a gibe).

“I keep those paintings up because I love to look at them and they remind me of a friend I miss very much. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about Karen or your marriage to her, and I hope you know that. I don’t know what Karen told you about our conversation, and I certainly don’t want to put you in the middle of our disagreement. But what I mostly wanted you both to know is that, while I won’t hide those paintings, I do care about your comfort and I want to spend time together whenever we can. Do you think there’s a way for us to figure out a compromise?” —D.L.

Comments

[cimorene]

This was weird and warning-sign-y enough from the headline, which made me think it was talking about photographs. But paintings? The LW's own paintings that she painted!? The absolute nerve of that SIL...!

[cereta]

Or even weirder, paintings by the late SiL, which I'm betting do not feature the artist herself. I mean, I could, actually, understand not wanting to snuggle with my spouse under the watchful eye of their late, lamented beloved, no matter how secure I was in my marriage, but a picture of a vase of flowers that was painted by said LLB? Get a grip.

[cimorene]

That's true. It still takes some guts to ask someone to redecorate, but if you're talking about a picture of your husband's ex in the guest room and you're actually staying there, it's more understandable. Especially if you just asked to have it not there in the guest room. It's not like she couldn't put it back after they left.

[melannen]

I can actually see being more uncomfortable with a room full of paintings by the dead wife than paintings of her.

"I have a whole room decorated with art made by my murdered best friend" is, actually, kind of shrinelike, LW, and that's okay! People deal with traumatic loss in different ways! Which is why asking the murder victim's other loved ones to sleep in your shrine might not be the best idea.

[ambyr]

I can see--maybe--space for expressing some discomfort at having paintings of one's husband's late wife literally hanging over the guest room bed . . . but holy shit not delivered this way.

(n.b. there is in fact a self-portrait of my partner's late partner hanging over the bed, and this doesn't bother me. In fact, there's another self-portrait of her that I deliberately chose to hang in my personal office, because it's a nice painting and wow did she leave a lot of paintings behind. But I'm open to the idea that it might bother someone else, and that it would not be completely unreasonable to ask for it to be moved to a different room or something.)

[xenacryst]

He stuttered and ended the call.

This in particular, along with everything else, is giving me some pretty strong controlling and isolating vibes coming from "Karen."

[melannen]

Hmmm. Normally I am 100% on the side of "Don't ask people to take down pictures of dead loved ones, jfc", and none of this is a good reason to cut off the nieces and nephews*.

But I gotta say, LW, "I don't care about your feelings" was probably not the best way to respond to Karen there if you wanted to preserve the connection.


*although I am very dubious of all letters that say "my unreasonable relatives won't travel out of state to come to my party". WE'RE STILL IN A PANDEMIC YO

[jadelennox]

*although I am very dubious of all letters that say "my unreasonable relatives won't travel out of state to come to my party". WE'RE STILL IN A PANDEMIC YO

SO MUCH THIS

[drglam]

We weren't in March 2019, when this letter was first published.

[melannen]

Ah, I didn't catch that.

Okay, never mind. Karen needs to get over herself and not put this over her niece and husband's relationship.

[lemonsharks]

Drive by man, I miss traveling to see my friends and family

[conuly]

SIL is competing with a dead woman, and apparently, she's winning. I really hope LW's brother realizes how toxic this all is, and soon.

[kindkit]

I'm slightly more sympathetic to Karen than I expected to be based on the title alone. The LW has multiple pictures of Lynn "scattered through [her] home," and multiple pictures byLynn hung in the guest room. That's . . . a lot. Especially given the tragedy of Lynn's unsolved murder. I'm not surprised that visits to this house were incredibly uncomfortable for Karen. How could she not feel under the shadow of the first Mrs. de Winter poor dead Lynn?

Karen nevertheless overreacted--undermining her marriage, really??? But so did LW: "I asked Karen if I should change my daughter's name since it must offend her so." Karen asked for an unreasonable degree of change, but this is an unreasonable, combative response.

They're both in the wrong. Karen more so, but since it's been "decades" since Lynn's murder, could LW not move some of these pieces out of the public areas and the guest room? And maybe put up more than a single picture that includes Karen? And then Karen can stop trying to erase Lynn entirely.

[lavendertook]

You stop being under the shadow of a partner’s dead earlier partner by NOT competing with them. By loving your partner’s love of them and loving them through your partner as a part of their past--a part of the whole package of the person you are accepting in your life. “There can only be one” is not a very healthy or doable way to approach your partner’s history or past and present relationships with others.

[kindkit]

The thing is, I agree with all of this, and I'm not saying Karen is in the right. But I can also understand how being in a house that's full of pictures of and by Lynn (and apparently only a single wedding picture of Karen and her husband), and having to sleep in a guest room full of Lynn's pictures, would make Karen feel unwelcome.

[lemonsharks]

But so did LW: "I asked Karen if I should change my daughter's name since it must offend her so." Karen asked for an unreasonable degree of change, but this is an unreasonable, combative response.

Considering that combative is apparently the only language Karen speaks I'm giving it a pass.

[minoanmiss]

I dunno. I don't think time is the best measure of love and its flipside, grief. Also, what Lemonsharks said.

[kindkit]

Maybe I expressed it badly. I didn't mean "After so long, LW shouldn't grieve." But I did mean "After so long, maybe LW can scale back the public display of her grief and make some room in her life (and her pictures) for Karen." Who is the person who's present now.

[melannen]

I think I really want to hear from BIL in this. If it really is a conflict entirely between Karen and LW and BIL has nothing to say... then the people ID'ing Karen as an abuser are probably right. Karen's feelings shouldn't override LWs or BIL's on this.

But especially with something like an unsolved murder, I can also see BIL being uncomfortable with LW's house, and letting Karen take point, if he still has trouble talking about it. But from just the letter, neither Karen nor LW seem the least bit interested in BIL's opinions on this, which doesn't make me sympathize with either.

[kindkit]

Yes, good point. He's notably absent in the letter.

[lavendertook]

Lynn is LW’s friend, not just Karen’s husband’s ex; they did art together whihc is a special closeness, and it’s paintings LW did of Lynn, not photos, and paintings, Lynn did of LW’s home and family. Sorry, but Karen has no business telling her to take them down no matter what anymore than she has a right to tell LW to cut off her arm or burn her work. These are LW’s memories of family and fellowship, her work and passion, and Karen needs to deal with her own issues and can stay in a motel with husband if she doesn’t want to sleep near the pics, but she needs to deal with the visits. I loved LW’s snark--Lynn needs that direct pushback to know other people exist and have their own needs. She obviously has no understanding or does not care if she’s willing to cut him form his relationship with her sister becaue she will not be obedient to her wants. Karen is a tyrant.


If Karen said she was never stayig there again, that would be one thing, nasty, but one thing, but saying LW’s brother will never stay there again is a sign that he is a thing she controls and can take away from LW--she is an abuser pure and simple. The brother’s stutter and silence is very sad--he’s in trouble. I suspect he is not allowed a picture or a mention of Lynn in his home with Karen and forbidding someone’s expression of memories is violence. Brother needs to escape this person fast.

But the first thing LW needs to do is talk with the rest of the family about that conversation and let them know who she and her her brother are dealing with, and that brother is dropping his relationship with his niece at Karen’s beheast or forbidding and the family members should try to find out which it is and try to maintain contact with him. LW needs to talk with all family members and shine light on this situation and not make it into a dysfunctional family secret. Especially Lynn who at her age needs to be able to identify abusers and resist anyone who tells her she has to cut off or coverup any elemtn of her past and who she is, hide pictures, or keep family secrets, and to not assume that someone is rejecting her, which is what she must think without being told that her relationship with her uncle is being held hostage for somethign that has nothing to do with her. Poor kid--she does not need her mother’s silence on what’s really going on.

[lemonsharks]

This this all of this

If Karen had written in to r/AITA she'd have received a well deserved smackdown but if Brother has written in he'd have gotten a big pile of resources for recognizing and escaping domestic violence