Annie's Mailbox: Mother-in-Law Not Senioring the Way I Think she Should

[cereta]

Okay, the subject line is not exactly neutral (there wasn't one at the site), and if "adulting" can be a word, so can "senioring."


Dear Annie: My husband's parents are in their mid-70s. They are both in good health and financially stable. The problem is, my mother-in-law has a bit of hypochondria along with some anxiety. She has self-diagnosed herself with many "syndromes" (such as fibromyalgia, restless leg, irritable bowel), and she refuses to exercise. Her syndromes, which are exacerbated by her anxiety, keep her from getting out of the house, unless it involves an activity that she truly enjoys, like shopping.

My in-laws don't have a wide social circle, and Mom refuses to try to make new friends. You can't have a conversation with her without the topic turning to her various maladies. I believe this is causing her some depression. Our town has many great programs for seniors, and I know both of my in-laws would benefit from them. I have repeatedly suggested to my mother-in-law that she get outside more, get some exercise, volunteer, take classes at the senior center, etc., but she refuses.

Annie, I understand that Mom may have some physical ailments, but being home all day and inactive surely can't be making her better. It's so important to remain physically and mentally active, and it's frustrating to see a wonderful couple, a wonderful woman, throw her "golden years" away. -- Frustrated Daughter-in-Law

Dear Daughter-in-Law: Your heart is in the right place, but please don't pressure your mother-in-law to take care of herself the way you would. While exercise would be great, it only works if she's willing to do it. To some extent, she likes her various maladies and isn't ready to get rid of them. The best you can do right now is suggest that she see her doctor to be properly tested, evaluated and treated. And if you find a program at the senior center that you think she would like, offer to pick her up and go with her.

Comments

[lilysea]

To some extent, she likes her various maladies and isn't ready to get rid of them.

Flames. Flames on the side of my face!

Dear Daughter in law: Exercise may make your MIL's pain/fatigue worse. Also, exercise for her may be having a shower!

Please don't pressure her/coerce her into being more active than she feels able to, you're not the one who has to cope with the pain/fatigue flare up.

Also, read up on the boom/bust cycle, or how over-exercise in chronic pain patients can lead to an increased level of disability...

[cereta]

Seriously, until a med adjust a few days ago, just the 10-minute process of taking a bath and drying myself after left me exhausted. Have I been pushing through that to help my daughter with her homework? Will I push through my constant migraine to sell tickets to her play? Yes, because those things are super important to me, and I budget spoons and recovery time for them. And I know, I know that people see me smiling and chatting when I do thinks like that and think, well, she can't be too bad off. It's a no-win situation.

[malnpudl]

THANK YOU. (Rage-snarling at "DIL", holy crap.)

[kiezh]

YES THIS. Argh, people who assume chronic illness and chronic pain are fake/chosen and the solution is exercise and a positive attitude. *rage* Maybe she has "some depression" not because she's perversely making herself miserable, but because she's IN PAIN?

Also, these lines struck me:

You can't have a conversation with her without the topic turning to her various maladies.

Possibly the fact that LW keeps invalidating her is causing her to reassert the reality of her health problems every time they speak, in reaction to constant pressure to exercise and live right by LW's standards? (Been there, done that. I have relatives who probably think that I don't talk about anything but health problems. This is an observer effect.)

Also possibly LW has never troubled herself to learn that standard small talk like "how have you been?" is not much fun for chronic pain/chronic illness sufferers, and despite calling MIL a "wonderful woman" LW doesn't know or care what else she might be interested in talking about.

[cereta]

First, I love that you declare your in-laws to be in "good health" before you get to the part where your MiL is complaining of health issues. Nice, open mind you're displaying from the second sentence on. It makes your grudging admission that maaaaaybe she has some real physical ailments all the more special.

Look, I've been the DiL worried about her in-laws, worried about their health (both physical and mental), and frustrated because they seem to be stuck in a rut in which even they acknowledge that they need some kind of change, but never work up to making it. Boy, have I. So despite you jumping up and down on a button of mine, I have some sympathy.

But then there's that button. There are so many things I want to say to you about chronic pain and fatigue, and I kind of want to shoot icicles from my eyes at the Annies for the "enjoys her maladies," but to LW, I'm just going to say this:

Back off. It's not your decision how your MiL lives her life. Maybe she doesn't want to get out of the house. Maybe, after a lifetime of working/raising kids/etc, spending time in her own home with a minimum of company is exactly the reward she wants. Maybe she is genuinely in pain, but is (shockingly!) willing to push through that pain for something she enjoys (I know: what a weirdo!). Maybe she just wants to be left alone, but knows you won't take, "Sorry, I'd rather not today" for an answer.
In any event, leave the woman alone.

You and your husband are nearby should the need arise. Right now, though? Not your life, not your decision(s). Both you and she will be happier if you just let it go.

[ayebydan]

DIL, get your nose out and leave her alone. Period.

[cereta]

Succinctly put.

[shirou]

I’m a little more inclined to be sympathetic to the LW if it’s true that Mom’s ailments are entirely self-diagnosed. That doesn’t mean the symptoms aren’t real, but if they are, why isn’t Mom seeking professional diagnosis and treatment? What strikes me as odd is that the LW recognizes that Mom shouldn’t self-diagnose but feels perfectly free to offer a diagnosis herself, despite (based on the available information) being no more qualified to do so.

[minoanmiss]

My short reply is total agreement: I was just coming here to say much the same thing.

My longer reply would contain a story about my own personal history of self-diagnosis (long story short: I learned about PTSD, self-diagnosed and tried to use this knowledge to deal with myself, later got into therapy and had my diagnosis confirmed by a professional) and detailed consideration of the ways people dismiss others' pain.

My current reality features a kid I should get to bed. :)

[amireal]

This was my line of thought BUT ALSO LW gives us a solid picture of how she views you should behave if sick and it's pretty biased. Perhaps her mom got tired of doctors diagnosing her as a hysterical woman? Basically, we don't know enough and I'm always inclined to err on the side of believing the invisible illness.

[amireal]

Just a quick note on the "it's all she talks about" bit, someone downthread gives a good reason as to why this might be but I'd like to add my two cents. My dad is like this, he complains sometimes that illness is the bulk of my conversation... well guess what? Illness is also the bulk of my LIFE. If someone close to me wants to know how I'm doing, then I have to decide between actual details and "FINE" and my dad wonders sometimes why I shut down to "fine" when he asks me outright. Because in the NEXT BREATH he will get annoyed at how dinner is like grand rounds. My life is my illness and every single thing I do has to be accounted for with my illness. THE END.

Do I think there are times when it's not appropriate to go into detail? YES. But a parent and adult child might not be that time.