Dear Abby: Mother-in-law's "Pop Ins" Are a Problem

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law has begun doing the "pop-in." My husband passive-aggressively hinted that he wished he had known she was coming over. Her response was, "I'm your mother; I don't need to let you know when I'm coming over." I regard this as total disrespect.

She has done this plenty of times -- including popping in when I was having a dinner with my parents and children, which made her mad because she and my father-in-law hadn't been invited.

She did the pop-in again last week. My husband, four children and I were about to sit down to a family dinner when she rang the doorbell. I didn't have enough food for her and my father-in-law, which made us all uncomfortable. She made a sarcastic comment, "Gee, I guess I shouldn't have come over," then she sat in the living room staring at us as we ate.

I have begged my husband to say something, but he says it would be disrespectful. I said it is disrespectful that she comes over without checking with us first. What's your take on this? -- NO POP-INS, PLEASE

DEAR NO POP-INS: You have my sympathy. Your mother-in-law is a handful. Your husband may be so cowed by his mother that he's afraid to assert himself. You are under no obligation to entertain anyone who pops in, including her. The next time she shows up unannounced, remind her to call first and suggest that she come back some other time.

Comments

[madripoor_rose]

Or just don't answer the door.

[cereta]

To me, the biggest problem here is that whatever the LW does, they cannot count on their husband having their back, and if they can't count on that, no strategy will work. I am generally a believer in the "each partner should deal with their own family" school of in-law issues, but in this case, I would support the LW in saying flat-out, "this isn't a good time," or answering the, "Gee, I guess I shouldn't have come over," with, "If you let us know ahead of time, we can plan to make more food." But ultimately, if their husband isn't going to uphold any boundaries, then I just don't see a solution. It doesn't do any good to shut the door (literally or metaphorically) if he's just going to answer it.

Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. But it doesn't seem like he's prepared to step up and deal with the situation directly.

[xenacryst]

Yes, this. I mean, it's certainly possible that hiding behind the "it would be disrespectful" is a family history that indicates a path of action that would help them out of this situation, but usually that kind of cop-out language is, well, a cop-out. And if the mother-in-law isn't going to listen to her son, she's certainly not going to listen to anyone else. (Well, it's also possible that she'd over-listen to the point of saying she doesn't want anything to do with her son and his family and just quit them entirely in a huff, but I kinda guess that isn't the desired outcome, either.)

[watersword]

This whole family sounds like a passive-aggressive nightmare. Move to Antarctica.