Pay Dirt: My Husband’s Family Keeps Telling Everyone They Bought Us a House. They’re Lying.

[minoanmiss]

My husband and I recently bought our first joint home and his granddad kindly gave him $15,000 toward the downpayment. The remainder of the downpayment ($85,000) was funded by the sale of my condo which I saved for, purchased, and renovated extensively throughout my 20s before I even met my husband. The rest of the house purchase was covered by a mortgage. My problem is twofold.

My husband’s granddad has been bragging about “buying [my husband] a house” to friends and relatives and I find this irritating because it’s inaccurate—he actually bought around 4 percent of the house—and it feels like my contribution is unacknowledged. Should I let this go and allow an elderly man his moments of pride?

The second issue is that a bunch of my husband’s relatives believe this boast and are complaining that my husband manipulated his granddad unfairly and/or my husband shouldn’t receive any further inheritance due to this. Is there a way to politely correct these misunderstandings? A couple of times I’ve replied, “We’re grateful [granddad] contributed to the downpayment” when my husband’s relatives bring it up (which happens often!) without giving specific figures. My husband never says anything and doesn’t mind if I do or don’t. Please tell me if I need to let this go, these comments annoy me more than they probably should!

—I Worked Hard for the Money

Dear I Worked Hard,

Instead of contradicting grandad when he inevitably brings up the gift, feel free to “yes, and” it. You can acknowledge his contribution and your work as well. Next time someone brings it up, try tacking on a more concrete addition to your script about how your hard work went into it. Instead of only “we’re grateful [grandad] contributed to the down payment,” add “and we’re thankful that I was able to get a good price on my old condo after all my renovations.”

When it comes to worrying about the inheritance, family members love to talk, but unless they seem to be influencing grandad, it’s just not worth debating. Only he decides how his inheritance is split, and he already knows the accurate details of his gift. It’s even possible he does consider the $15,000 of help with a down payment to be in lieu of any inheritance (unless he has stated otherwise). Be grateful for the gift, and don’t stress too much about an estate out of your control.

Comments

[movingfinger]

A good phrasing for LW would be, "Yes, we are very grateful! Granddad's $15,000 gift on top of the profit I realized from the sale of my condo enabled us to qualify for a mortgage." Be very specific about how much from granddad, because that is the number everyone gossiping about this really cares about. Be as specific as desired about the condo sale proceeds. Shining light on this kind of thing really does help cut down backbiting, and it sounds like there's some of that going on.

[cimorene]

+1 I found the advice bafflingly vague. I suppose there are subcultures/classes where explicitly naming amounts of money and things like that is rude in some or all circumstances, but surely they aren't a member of one, given the family gossip reported. And if they aren't, I see zero reason to be coy about the specifics if you're already going to contradict the impression being given.

[tielan]

Curious question: why isn't her husband saying anything?