minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
minoanmiss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2023-03-30 04:33 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2023-03-30 04:33 pm
Entry tags:
That Bad Advice: Help! My Girlfriend Is Being Super Weird About Various Members of My Family...
Help! My Girlfriend Is Being Super Weird About Various Members of My Family Bursting In When We're Fucking And Calling Her Names
How To Do It, Slate, 29 March 2023:
I’m from a big, tight-knit family where everyone is in each other’s business. Even though I live alone, my parents, siblings, cousins, etc. have keys to my apartment, and sometimes drop by. About a month ago, my new girlfriend “Becca” and I were having sex on the kitchen floor when my mom walked in unexpectedly. My mom was shocked and called her a rude name in surprise, and Becca pretty much ran for the shower and left me to deal with things.
The conversation was awkward, but things only got more awkward when they left. Becca now is weird about sex at my apartment at all, and if I initiate she will insist it has to be in the bedroom with the door locked. I tried to talk to her about calming down on this since awkward moments happen to everyone. I even told her how my dad walked in on me with an ex a couple of years ago, but she only got more upset and said I needed to start deadbolting the apartment when she was over if I was going to share my keys.
My family has come over multiple times when we’re just watching TV or making dinner when they should have been fine to come in but are locked out and teased me about the deadbolts. Becca has told me she’ll walk away if she doesn’t feel like there’s enough privacy. I feel like I’m caught in the middle between two pushy sides. How do I get them to leave me alone? I’m 35! — Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
Oh buddy, you really are in a pickle here! Sit down kiddo, and let’s talk through this to see if we can’t find a solution! Someday you’ll be all grows up, and you’ll need to be able to tackle life’s frownies all by yourself as a big boy.
It can be really hard when our mommies and our girlfriends are in conflict with each other, and of course it’s even harder when there’s no real “right” or “wrong” on either side! Of course your girlfriend can’t be expected to understand the special bond you have with family members for whom the experience of regularly barging into your home to find you banging women in every room and at every hour of the day has not inspired them to call ahead! And course your mommy wants to be able get a big ole’ eyeful of her widdle wuvbug going to poundtown at any time of day or night no matter what!
Sometimes it can help to try to see things through another person’s perspective, but it seems like somebody really important is being left out here: your siblings and cousins! Have you asked them about the terrible impact of finding a deadbolt where they’re used to finding a welcome mat? What might happen to them if they have to knock before entering your home? Will it be possible to repair the damage done to these important co-generational relationships if the people in your familial peer group must wait ten, twenty, maybe as long as thirty seconds longer than usual to get inside your house so that your girlfriend has a few fleeting moments to cover up her bare cooter?
Every family is different, but you should think seriously about whether you have a future with Becca and her understandable — if bizarre — obsession with knowing who is inside her house, and when, and where. If you were to cohabitate or get married, would Becca take it upon herself to use the deadbolt when you are not home, denying her in-laws beautiful bonding opportunities such as catching her while she’s the shower, or taking a big shit, or just living her life without the constant anxiety that someone else is going to demand her time and attention? Imagine your relationship progresses, and in your golden years, you are faced with this quandary once again, but in the other direction. Will you be able to respect a pushy, boundaries-challenged wife who doesn’t walk in on her children fucking all the time like a normal parent?
I think you can explain to Becca that until you’re ready to start making your own way in the world, you and your family and your package are a package deal. It will be hard, but not every relationship works out. I’m sure there’s a woman out there who’s just right for you! In fact, she may be coming over shortly to drop off a casserole and your new inhaler.
How To Do It, Slate, 29 March 2023:
I’m from a big, tight-knit family where everyone is in each other’s business. Even though I live alone, my parents, siblings, cousins, etc. have keys to my apartment, and sometimes drop by. About a month ago, my new girlfriend “Becca” and I were having sex on the kitchen floor when my mom walked in unexpectedly. My mom was shocked and called her a rude name in surprise, and Becca pretty much ran for the shower and left me to deal with things.
The conversation was awkward, but things only got more awkward when they left. Becca now is weird about sex at my apartment at all, and if I initiate she will insist it has to be in the bedroom with the door locked. I tried to talk to her about calming down on this since awkward moments happen to everyone. I even told her how my dad walked in on me with an ex a couple of years ago, but she only got more upset and said I needed to start deadbolting the apartment when she was over if I was going to share my keys.
My family has come over multiple times when we’re just watching TV or making dinner when they should have been fine to come in but are locked out and teased me about the deadbolts. Becca has told me she’ll walk away if she doesn’t feel like there’s enough privacy. I feel like I’m caught in the middle between two pushy sides. How do I get them to leave me alone? I’m 35! — Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
Oh buddy, you really are in a pickle here! Sit down kiddo, and let’s talk through this to see if we can’t find a solution! Someday you’ll be all grows up, and you’ll need to be able to tackle life’s frownies all by yourself as a big boy.
It can be really hard when our mommies and our girlfriends are in conflict with each other, and of course it’s even harder when there’s no real “right” or “wrong” on either side! Of course your girlfriend can’t be expected to understand the special bond you have with family members for whom the experience of regularly barging into your home to find you banging women in every room and at every hour of the day has not inspired them to call ahead! And course your mommy wants to be able get a big ole’ eyeful of her widdle wuvbug going to poundtown at any time of day or night no matter what!
Sometimes it can help to try to see things through another person’s perspective, but it seems like somebody really important is being left out here: your siblings and cousins! Have you asked them about the terrible impact of finding a deadbolt where they’re used to finding a welcome mat? What might happen to them if they have to knock before entering your home? Will it be possible to repair the damage done to these important co-generational relationships if the people in your familial peer group must wait ten, twenty, maybe as long as thirty seconds longer than usual to get inside your house so that your girlfriend has a few fleeting moments to cover up her bare cooter?
Every family is different, but you should think seriously about whether you have a future with Becca and her understandable — if bizarre — obsession with knowing who is inside her house, and when, and where. If you were to cohabitate or get married, would Becca take it upon herself to use the deadbolt when you are not home, denying her in-laws beautiful bonding opportunities such as catching her while she’s the shower, or taking a big shit, or just living her life without the constant anxiety that someone else is going to demand her time and attention? Imagine your relationship progresses, and in your golden years, you are faced with this quandary once again, but in the other direction. Will you be able to respect a pushy, boundaries-challenged wife who doesn’t walk in on her children fucking all the time like a normal parent?
I think you can explain to Becca that until you’re ready to start making your own way in the world, you and your family and your package are a package deal. It will be hard, but not every relationship works out. I’m sure there’s a woman out there who’s just right for you! In fact, she may be coming over shortly to drop off a casserole and your new inhaler.
The actual reply fwiw
Not to pigeonhole you, but I’m getting hardcore, New York tri-state area Italian from your description of your family dynamic. There’s something very Vinny from Jersey Shore about it. But even if I haven’t figured out your precise cultural background, you are nonetheless in the middle of a culture clash: Your family has one culture and Becca has another. I don’t know how you’re going to set boundaries in a family that seems to have few, save moving a few states over and creating an actual physical one. It’s you against the many, who have ingrained expectations and patterns of behavior.
But I do know that Becca has a right to her privacy. She has a right to have sex with you without being interrupted and called names. What you describe goes beyond “awkward moments,” and Becca is only “pushy” by your family’s invasive standards. I think you are less sympathetic to her requests (that read to me as entirely reasonable) because this is the environment you were raised in. It’s not your fault, but you do have an opportunity in front of you, should you choose to take advantage of it, to learn how other people live. Privacy is actually a fairly commonplace ideal in Western culture. Becca has given you an ultimatum, and now the ball is in your court.
ADVERTISEMENT
Disclaimer
*Optimizes your engine's performance from the harmful effects of deposits caused by minimum detergent fuels. Requires continuous use. Results depend on what you drive and how you drive. Comparison made for fuels with the same ethanol content.
Drive for a Cleaner Engine
Sponsored By bp and Amoco
Learn more
How do you get your family to leave you alone? Well, you can start by asking them to leave you alone. You can tell them that Becca wasn’t raised in the same environment that you were and she values her privacy. Not exactly rocket science, and yet you’re resisting putting on your big boy pants, or are being lulled by your family into never having to. If you genuinely don’t want to change your family dynamic, you’re better off finding someone who has been raised in a similar one and already has experience navigating it or simply doesn’t care when her boyfriend’s mother walks in on her having sex and calls her a rude name (good luck with that one!). Maybe ask your mom if she knows any nice Italian (or whatever it may be) girls?
Re: The actual reply fwiw
Re: The actual reply fwiw
Wow, so much BS to unpack from that columnist with that response. Stereotype much?
Apropos of nothing, I fucking hate Jersey Shore.
Re: The actual reply fwiw
no subject
no subject
There's your problem. I mean just how dim and not thinking things through do you have to be to go on doing this?
(Personally, I feel coming over while people are watching TV and making dinner without calling first is also Fearfully Poor Ton.)
no subject
no subject
I didn't write the snarky answer -- there's a wonderful Internet presence called That Bad Advice who writes replies to truly egregious letters.
no subject
no subject
They are hilarious. The first link goes to their Tumblr.