Dear Prudence: "Is it wrong to do sex acts in someone’s house?"

[minoanmiss]

Is it wrong to do sex acts in someone’s house? My boyfriend “Leo” and I (two men) stayed at my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving weekend. It was really crowded and we were on an air mattress in the walk-in pantry. The house is way out in the country, so a hotel was not an option. A few older people pretended Leo and I were just friends, but everyone who really mattered liked him, and was happy I’ve been with someone so long (we met during the pandemic so this is his first time meeting the family). It went well, but he’s an introvert so by the last day he was pretty stressed. We were awake before everyone else, and … this isn’t How to Do It, so let’s just say I decided to help him out.
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My aunt burst in the pantry looking for something and caught us. I was mostly under the blanket, but it was still obvious. She raised the whole house yelling. My grandparents were a little exasperated but think it comes with the territory of hosting. My mom said it was rude but assured me she’d be equally disappointed if Leo was “Leah.” My dad thinks we shouldn’t have done it because the door doesn’t lock. My older sister and brother-in-law defended me and think my aunt should have knocked if the space was being used as a bedroom. Most people took the opinion “we’re all adults here, let’s just let it go,” but my aunt and uncle went on about immorality until my grandpa yelled at them.

We’re supposed to go see them again at Christmas. Do I need to apologize to my grandparents? How do I deal with homophobic remarks? In the holiday planning chat, my aunt has already suggested we stay in separate rooms but none of the straight couples have to do that.

— Wrong Place, Wrong Time

Dear Wrong Place,

You shouldn’t do sex acts in other people’s pantries, or any place in their home where someone might have to see or hear a sex act they don’t want to see or hear. But the reason is that to do this creates discomfort and awkwardness, not anger about immorality. When your aunt took it beyond “Whoops, sorry!” to being legitimately upset, that’s where her homophobia jumped out. Your grandparents seem to be fine. You can give them another brief apology combined with a thank you for defending you. And your script for your aunt is: “I want to talk about the Thanksgiving incident. Leo and I used bad judgment and I’m sorry you walked in on an intimate moment. What I’m not sorry for is being gay, and I am deeply hurt by your comments about immorality and your suggestion that we follow different rules than the straight couples. Those remarks are homophobic, and the whole family agrees. We expect this conversation to be closed before Christmas.”

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I don't know if Jenae is improving or that the answer here was so obvious even she couldn't miss it.

[hashiveinu]

The space was being used as a bedroom and she should have knocked.

[cimorene]

Yeah, the answer was basically correct - they probably SHOULD still apologize for the awkwardness, at least to the grandparents, even though she should have knocked - but it's by no means irrelevant that she should have knocked! Whether they had a reasonable expectation of privacy in the space or not is actually central to the whole issue.

LW was doing something that's impolite in a public space - it's not impolite to do them where you have a reasonable expectation of privacy, and when you're in your assigned guest sleeping quarters you do, even if there's not a door.

[hashiveinu]

There was a door; it just didn't lock.

[ashbet]

Yeah, this is where I am — the aunt was RUDE not to knock, and EVEN RUDER to make a scene and involve other family members.

Even an improvised bedroom has an expectation of privacy — they didn’t sneak into the pantry for a quickie, it was their assigned sleeping space for the gathering.

The aunt should have known better.

[minoanmiss]

COnsidering the aunt unleashed a torrent of homophobia, I think she did this on purpose.

[feldman]

I also suspect she went to the pantry specifically to grab a cup of outrage.

[azurelunatic]

I think that suspicion is on point.

[conuly]

Dude, they stashed you and your boyfriend in the pantry. This just raises so many questions about not just their latent homophobia levels but also your status in the family.

In the holiday planning chat, my aunt has already suggested we stay in separate rooms but none of the straight couples have to do that.

They also didn't have to sleep in the pantry. If there were hypothetical separate rooms for this couple to be roomed in, then it does seem likely there was one room they could've both shared that wasn't the pantry.

[minoanmiss]

THIS SO MUCH THIS

Put the aunt in the pantry and the LW and his BF in her guest room.

[tielan]

1. Aunt should have knocked.
2. Most likely Aunt didn't knock because of her beliefs about "immorality". She wanted to catch them in the act and cause trouble.
3. If Grandparents are okay with it, then let Aunt and Uncle swing in the wind.

I didn't notice the issue with the pantry; I am curious exactly how large is this house that has a walk-in pantry, and if it is that large, why aren't there other spaces for them to sleep in?

[conuly]

Well. To be fair - not that I want to be fair, because this is still a fucktastic situation - our house has a walk-in pantry and it's not that big.

I mean, the entire house is big, and we actually have two walk in pantries because we have two kitchens - but that's because it's a two family house! We just don't rent out the second apartment, and we have colonized the (barely half-finished) basement and attic. Each apartment is actually quite small, with two bedrooms, each of which barely fits in one modern twin-sized bed, and only one bathroom per. (Which gives us a grand total of a single working bathroom for all of us. Egads.)

But those pantries are nice.

[ethelmay]

I grew up in a huge house that had a huge walk-in pantry with a door. That pantry still wasn't wide enough to hold a full/queen blow-up mattress. It was also unheated and stone cold, which was part of the point of having a pantry - you could keep a lot of stuff fairly fresh in there unless it was super hot weather. But it was not the kind of place you'd want to, er, get fresh in. My current house (about one-third the size) has a walk-in pantry, in the sense that one person can stand in the middle and look at shelves on three sides of them, but no door, and not big enough to fit two people, even standing up.

[frenzy]

just to be safe, when i'm *ahem* helping or getting help at someone else's house, I try and go for the bathroom. easier clean up, always has a lock. it doesnt have to be shower sex, it can be before shower sex.

[conuly]

The downside is that if everybody is packed in like sardines, do you really want a whole line of people to be there to stare disapprovingly as you and your partner exit the bathroom together? And in that case, their disapproval would be valid! You're keeping other people from pooping!

[minoanmiss]

rotfl

[frenzy]

But we're saving time by showering together!!! ;p

Its different if there isnt a second commode somewhere. then, yeah, probably still shower together, but get in and out.

[frenzy]

although I also always do the "do you need the bathroom before we shower" question too. yanno, just to be safe. its just good courtesy

[lilysea]

I think sex in the bathroom is only okay if there is a seperate toilet somewhere else in the house.

Otherwise you could be causing someone else bladder pain/abdominal pain or a urine/poo accident.

[frenzy]

agreed!!

[lilysea]

It is fine to have sex in other people's houses in rooms that have been temporarily designated as your sleeping space and that have a door.

Pantry, yes.

Pull-out couch in the loungeroom with no door, no.

The only rules are:
a) there must be a closed door

b) there must not be other people in the room at the time who are not consenting to watching/hearing [am thinking here of someone I know who had a threesome in a hotel room that had 15 people sleeping in it (convention) while the threesome was happening - one nonparticipant got repeatedly kicked in the head]

c) if you make a mess, clean it up, and strip the sheets before you leave.

[shirou]

A pantry, kitchen, or other location containing food other people will eat is a bad place to have sex. Otherwise, sex in private is fine, even as a guest in someone else's house.

[likeaduck]

Um, what? Okay, well, nobody can have sex in my bachelor apartment then I guess?

[torachan]

They weren't having sex on or near the food, though. They were having sex on a mattress on the floor.

[purlewe]

My guess is the pantry was chosen over.. say they living room floor bc it *did* have a door. And that the Aunt might have actually forgotten but then promptly lost her shit bc of her homophobia and also bc she is an asshole who can't be say excuse me and leave.