Dear Prudence: Help! Our Family Could Be Financially Set for Life....

[minoanmiss]

...All We Need Is to Agree to My Great Aunt’s One Horrifically Annoying Condition.




My 98-year-old great aunt, “Gemma,” is in failing health and doesn’t have much time left. She never had children, but she is quite wealthy thanks to a hefty stock portfolio. She has a 6-year-old dachshund, “Alfie,” whom she wants provided for after she passes. Aunt Gemma has offered to make me her sole beneficiary on the condition that my husband, “Clay,” and I take Alfie upon her death and care for him for the rest of his life. Clay is all for it. I am decidedly against it. I don’t care for dogs to begin with, and this dog is yappy, high-strung, bad-tempered toward anyone other than Aunt Gemma, and destructive. He isn’t even completely housebroken. In addition, this breed of dog can live up to 15 years or longer, and we have a 9-month-old.

My husband thinks we can work something out where we will be able to keep them separated. Our child is only going to become more mobile as he gets older and I am not comfortable gambling with his safety. Clay says I’m “throwing away” a chance at financial security for our family, and it’s driving a real wedge between us. My instincts are telling me that having this dog around would not be worth it, but given the uncertain times we live in, I’m starting to wonder if my husband has a point and whether we really could find a way to accommodate Alfie. What should I do here?

—Dog Days Ahead?

Dear Ahead,

You should trust your instincts. For even the most organized, resourceful households, having an infant and a high-maintenance dog to care for at the same time is an exhausting reality. (Just read the viral essay from The Cut about how even the best pet parents start having very complicated feelings about their pets when there’s a baby in the picture.)

If you’re already not on board with this idea—and admittedly, your husband’s “solutions” are pretty lackluster—I think taking Alfie on strictly for the money is a disservice to both this dog and to your Aunt Gertie’s memory. I don’t think the money is worth the daily resentment—toward Alfie, and quite possibly toward your husband when things start getting chaotic. It’s not fair to Alfie either. He deserves to be in a home where he’s fully wanted.

I think you should be straightforward with Aunt Gemma: Tell her that, with a 9-month-old on your hands, you simply won’t be able to give Alfie the attention and care that she would want him to have. Thank her for her generous offer, and tell her you’d like to help find him a loving home after she’s gone. Perhaps she’ll kick you over a finder’s fee; perhaps not. But the best thing you can do for yourself (and your family) is to do right by her wish for Alfie to be well cared for.

Comments

[conuly]

Would this hefty inheritance cover long-term boarding?

[lilysea]

Or building a fenced and roofed outdoor dog enclosure + a heated kennel + someone to do walks twice a day

[conuly]

The dog probably needs more interaction than that.

[princessofgeeks]

OMG with all the money they would get, they could HIRE SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF THE DOG. And that person could take the dog to obedience school, etc!!!

It sounds like a life-changing amount of money!!!

As you know, I am NOT a pet person and I would do this!

[dissectionist]

100% with you. Accept the money, line up someone good to take care of him, and then pay them. It would still result in the lion’s share of the money staying with the family.

[dine]

yes, so much yes to this.

make the agreement, find a suitable caretaker for Alfie, paying them out of the inheritance, and make your family secure financially.

[ioplokon]

Agreed. Also, the condition doesn't seem like it is a personal vendetta. It is understandable this women wants her dog taken care of & not abandoned. (I was expecting this to be one of those cases where the wealthy relative is trying to shame or extort the would-be beneficiary, but that doesn't seem to be the case here, just that Aunt doesn't want her dog sent to the pound or euthanized)

[carbonel]

I am not a dog person (I like cats), and I would also do this. Depending, of course, on what "life-changing amount of money" actually is. For $100K, no. For $1 million or more, definitely yes. I'm not sure where in the middle would be my dividing line.

[melannen]

That The Cut article Prudie mentioned is terrifying. Dear The Cut author: if having a baby means you start actively mistreating your pet, if your only modes of interaction with another living creature are "in love with" and "resentful", you probably shouldn't have had a baby either. (Also: if your husband is unable to even make sure the cat's litter box is emptied and water bowl is full during your maternity leave, you probably shouldn't have a husband either.)

Anyway, this is tough, because you absolutely won't be able to provide the level of care Aunt Gemma is expecting if you resent the dog and your husband isn't being realistic about what it would involve. On the other hand, if this dog is bad-tempered, not housebroken at age six, and destructive, he's probably not got better options - nobody will choose this dog if given a choice of a different dog, and the odds somebody else doing it for the money will love him more than you are low.

So, yeah: take the money, use some of it to get Alfie a reasonably comfy home of his own that can be completely separated from your home, and either think of yourselves as his paid petsitter who checks in twice a day or hire someone to do it. It won't be ideal, but also a 90+ year old woman adopting a long-lived puppy she can't train properly was going to result in a bad outcome for the dog regardless.

If the money's not realistically enough to do that and leave enough left over to be worth the trouble of setting that up, turn it down.

[annotated_em]

For heck's sake, take the money, use some of it to send Alfie to obedience training, hire dogwalkers, build him the most glorious kennel a dog could desire, and then use the balance to improve your own lives. I am emphatically not a dog person but good lord, I can't even believe this is a question.

[resonant]

Send him to boarding school!

[zana16]

Do you know how much childcare costs these days? Unless you are independently wealthy, you need this money, LW!

[movingfinger]

This LW doesn't deserve Alfie or the money.

[ethelmay]

This letter struck me as a likely fake, but I am not entirely sure why.

[full_metal_ox]

Because it has the strong aroma of a wholesome family movie premise (probably incorporating the song “What’s It All About, Alfie?”)

(Whose box-office success would then promote a fad run on dachshunds that kids wouldn’t be prepared to care for.)

[minoanmiss]

giggles ferociously

[frenzy]

dude, i dont really have a dog-style life, but i'd make it work, especially with money for doggie day care and obedience lessons and even private dog training! How can these three people not see what everyone else in the thread can clearly see!

[laurajv]

It took exactly 1 month for my sister and her husband to turn his late mother's 4 yr old untrained, unvaccinated, human-food-only, unsocialized purse chihuahua into a polite, house- and crate-trained, kibble-eating, walking-on-a-leash, vaccinated family pet comfortable with children from toddlerhood upwards.

It took about $1000 in vet care, one dog training course (another $100 or so), one dog crate (xs size, only about $25), and consistent behavior in the house and with the leash.

Dogs very much want to please the people they interact with, and most of them can learn something new easily as long as they get consistent communication about what is expected.

[full_metal_ox]

Dogs very much want to please the people they interact with, and most of them can learn something new easily as long as they get consistent communication about what is expected.

Spoiler: the same is true of human children.

[conuly]

Our chihuahua had no leash training when we got her, and within six months she was walking without pulling, and all we did was stop walking if she pulled too much. Some dogs have bigger issues that take longer, but mostly, yeah, you're right.

[full_metal_ox]

Mythbusters examined the adage that You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks; within a week, under the supervision of professional trainers, Jamie and Adam taught two seven-year-old shelter Malamutes (a large, boisterous, and headstrong breed) with no prior training to sit, heel, down, shake, and stay.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_QnshpcxWc

[laurajv]

Yes -- some dogs have issues that are very difficult to resolve! But I agree -- most dogs just need to be taught expectations and they will learn just fine. I have a 12 yr old dog and sometimes she needs to be taught about a new situation; it works fine!

[full_metal_ox]

(Just read the viral essay from The Cut about how even the best pet parents start having very complicated feelings about their pets when there’s a baby in the picture.)

Since Prudence didn’t include a link: https://archive.ph/wKSww

[michelel72]

My guess is the LW senses on some level that the husband's "it'll be easy!" is actually "it'll be easy for me" because literally all work of dealing with the dog will be left to the LW. (How involved a parent is the husband to the child? How much of the housework does he do?)