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agonyaunt2023-09-23 10:38 am
I have questions
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a woman in my late thirties who never had the opportunity for children of my own. I have a sister who is seven years younger and gave me a BEAUTIFUL niece two years ago who I couldn’t love more. My sister and I have never been very close and it’s always bothered me; I must say I feel I’ve made tons of effort, to no avail. I am willing to accept this now as I can’t make someone like me. Of course, there’s still a great deal of love. Now, the issue is that I crave a close and significant relationship with my niece. My sister tends to turn me down any time I try to ask to see my niece. Am I being unreasonable wanting this connection? Should I find a way to move on from it? Is there a way I can ensure that I am in my niece’s life without being a pain?
—Estranged Auntie
Dear Estranged Auntie,
Unfortunately, it’s virtually impossible to have a relationship with a child who is not your own without having a good relationship with their parents. You have to continue trying to mend the bond with your sister if you want to have access to her daughter. Let her know that it bothers you that you aren’t closer and that you are willing to do what it takes to try and make that happen. Explain that you want to get to know her daughter and to be a constant part of her life. Ask her what it would take to make things better between the two of you. Hopefully, she’ll be receptive, though it may take some time to get through to her. If not, unfortunately, there’s no way that you can spend time with your niece without finding some sort of peace with her mother. You’re not unreasonable for craving this connection. It’s an unfortunate situation, and you may have to accept not having the closeness with your niece that you want to have. It really all depends on how you’re able to mend fences with your sister.
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I am also a person without children who wishes I were closer to my niblings than I am, but the phrasing "I have a sister who ... gave me a BEAUTIFUL niece two years ago" makes me cringe so hard.
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The rest of the letter is inoffensive, and I think the LW is trying and has good intentions (at least from what we’re given here), but that phrase makes me wonder about boundary issues.
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I don't think anyone is entitled to a relationship with their nibling, and certainly not if they don't get along with the sibling who is their parent.
This sounded very much to me like, "I wanted children but couldn't have them, there is a small child in my extended family, therefore I want a relationship so I can hang out with a small child", rather than someone with any interest in getting on better with their sister, or indeed in the interests of the kid in all this.
(I could be wrong. But it got my back up a bit.)
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Now why doesn't LW's sister feel the same? Whether as breathing space time or yay another adult with my kid, definitely needs to have the sibling relationship mended first, before aunt/niece time.
Seriously, two year olds are cute, but they usually need diapers yet and have low emotional regulation. What does LW's sister know about wannabe Auntie as an older figure?
Yeah that sister gave me a BEAUTIFUL niece line gives me hives. LW, how did you treat your seven year younger sibling when she was three, and you were ten?
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THIS. I have eight years on my brother; even with parents who discouraged the 'big sister=free nanny' assumption, the maturity difference meant that some functional alloparenting was part of the sibling dynamic, for good and ill. This was something we discussed as we bookended our twenties, when we were FINALLY in the same life phase together long enough to connect as peers.
Mother of nibling knows what she's rejecting and protecting her kid from.
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Like everyone else I'm wondering what's going on with the LW that her sister wouldn't take her up on free babysitting, and that "gave me a BEYOOOTIFYL NEICE" line gives indicative hives.
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