agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Pay Dirt,

In May, I traveled 1,000 miles at my own expense to attend my niece’s wedding. The invitation was unclear about the dress code, specifying formal cocktail attire for a 4 p.m. event. I texted her for clarification providing a list of possible sartorial choices from suit and tie, to polo shirt and khakis, to board shorts and flip-flops. She replied, “The attire is cocktail just no jeans or tennis shoes.” Based on that, I wore black dress shoes, black slacks, and a hand-screen, silk-blend Hawaiian-style shirt that resembled Fred Flintstone’s outfit. I thought it was dressy for cocktail, but fun to recognize the celebratory nature of the event and the time of day.

Shortly after my arrival, the bride’s mother approached me and demanded I change. She said I was too informally dressed and would “ruin” the wedding. I told her this was the outfit I’d brought and I didn’t have anything with me I could change into. She continued to harangue me until I cut off the conversation. She had someone bring a medium-sized black t-shirt to put on instead. I weigh 320 pounds at 5’8”. I looked like a badly filled sausage and couldn’t breathe it was so tight. I changed back into my original clothes. No one could tell me where I could quickly buy a new outfit. And I hadn’t rented a car but arrived at the site by car service. The venue person then told me I had to leave or she’d call the police. I told her to call them as I was a guest of the bride and my brother had paid the bill (he and the bride’s mother had long since divorced). Then my nephew, the bride’s brother, came and told me to leave, that was the bride’s wish. I used the app and arranged for a car service to take me back to my hotel.

I am outraged and deeply hurt by how I was treated. I inquired about dress and received very specific instructions that I obeyed. The bride chose not to specify something from my list. She is 29, will turn 30 this year, and acted like a petulant teen. I am out thousands of dollars for hotel, meals, and air travel. I haven’t heard from her, my brother, or anyone else in my family. I am an attorney by trade and, thus, am tempted to sue the bride and the venue, but don’t think that will help settle the matter well, but make matters worse. So, what do I do?

—Banished By the Bride

Dear Banished,

There’s a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on here. For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen a Fred Flintstone-inspired, Hawaiian shirt at a formal cocktail event, much less a wedding. Sure, dress codes are notoriously unclear, but a quick Google Image search could’ve told you what to expect. All of which is to say, your family might have seen your clothing choice as a passive-aggressive reaction to not getting the response you wanted from your niece. On the other hand, I’ve never heard of a Hawaiian shirt ruining anyone’s wedding, and it seems over-the-top to kick someone out over it. I can see why that would be hurtful after you spent so much money to attend the wedding.

For the sake of your peace of mind, it might help to give your family the benefit of the doubt. A wedding can be a stressful time, and there’s a lot of pressure for things to be perfect. “Formal cocktail” is pretty standard dress code language, and it’s likely your niece and her family were hyper focused on making the day special. When it erupted in tension and conflict—well, things escalated from there.

Using your upper hand as an attorney to sue your family might make you feel vindicated in the moment, but ultimately, what good would that do? It would likely only confirm to them that they made the right choice in asking you to leave the wedding. I think the best course of action here is to leave things alone, give the situation some time, and not make any impulsive decisions you might regret later.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Even presuming the extremely thin possibility that LW is accurately representing the family's reaction, my reaction to his own opening paragraph was

In May, I traveled 1,000 miles at my own expense to attend my niece’s wedding.

Oh I dislike you.

The invitation was unclear about the dress code, specifying formal cocktail attire for a 4 p.m. event. I texted her for clarification providing a list of possible sartorial choices

You complete knobwaffle.

from suit and tie, to polo shirt and khakis, to board shorts and flip-flops.

Oh fuck all the way off.

She replied, “The attire is cocktail just no jeans or tennis shoes.” Based on that, I wore black dress shoes, black slacks, and a hand-screen, silk-blend Hawaiian-style shirt that resembled Fred Flintstone’s outfit.

The rest of your family would be within their rights to have your genome forcibly rewritten so you no longer shared any relationship with you.

Seriously. Kicking him out might have been an overreaction, but WOW, what an asshole. And suing them? I'm sort of curious as to what basis he'd have for that.

There's gotta be something else in this backstory.

yeah, this wasn't exactly "missing reasons" but I felt there was clear history here. Even the initial weird toxic text from him -- is that just bad pedantry sense of humor, or is there something unspoken before that?

Uh "formal cocktail attire" is...pretty clear to me. And a 'Fred Flintstone-inspired shirt' does not fit the bill.

*scratches head*

I'm glad I'm not related to any of these people. LW is ridiculous but so are the bride's crew. Police? Lawsuits? What the fuck.

I have never been to a cocktail hour. I'm not fully sure what I would wear to a cocktail hour. I am, however, very certain that Fred Flintstones cosplay is not it.

Okay, slacks, dress shoes, and a nice Hawaiian shirt is actually pretty standard afternoon formal dress if the wedding is in, say, Hawaii, or even maybe some other tropical destinations and if you are someone who doesn't do well in standard formal it wouldn't be entirely off-target to a) ask for clarification and b) assume the niece's vague response meant that Island Formal was OK. It might even be OK for someone to wear that style of formal to an afternoon cocktail event in the summer in much of the US, if the host OK'd being flexible about the dress code, because men deserve to be allowed to wear colors and dress for the weather. I know there are plenty of men in my area who would assume guayaberas were au courant for afternoon cocktails in summer, and we aren't even particularly tropical.

But there is no universe in which suggesting "board shorts and flip-flops" is asking about formal in good faith, and I've got no idea where Fred Flintstone is suppose to come in. One kind of suspects there may have been a great many existing tensions here.

Edited 2024-06-14 17:01 (UTC)

Yeah, to me this hinges on how much the shirt looked like Fred Flintstone's outfit. If it was a nice aloha shirt with a repeating triangle pattern in a different color scheme, I think it would be okay? If it literally looks like a cosplay, probably not. And since they switched LW into a T-shirt, it does seem like it probably was closer to the cartoon cosplay side of things.

But also, everyone was being far more belligerent than necessary. It doesn't sound like LW was in the wedding party, so I don't think them being underdressed would Ruin the wedding. But LW was also making things worse (and obviously suing is ridiculous).

Yeah, also Fred Flintstone's outfit is knee-length so if he went for that it might be a bit tougher to pull off.

But if the suggested approved alternative was a black t-shirt I don't think a tasteful print was the main problem here. (Also I think it's quite likely the bride's version of this story would be completely different.)

The bride and family are ridiculous. He showed up in black slacks, black shoes, and a fancy aloha shirt. Why did they make a big deal out of this?

He's 5'8" and 320lbs. The aloha shirt was bright and comfortable and unless he had a massive tuft of hair emerging from every opening, it was fine. If the bride and groom meant "black tie" they should have written "black tie" which is a term generally understood to mean "black tie," which appears to be what they meant.