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Parents I think I dislike very strongly
Sep. 2nd, 2024 01:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old who lives for choir and musical theater. She’s been taking piano lessons for four years and has never really been into it the way she is into singing.
She loves to play the piano, but she hates having to practice. I want her to keep taking piano lessons, because 1) It’s such a good companion to the choir stuff (if she decides to do music for a living, she’ll have a head start with already knowing piano and being able to read music—something they don’t study in her choir) 2) we have asked both our kids to pick and stick with a musical instrument and an organized sport or physical activity, and she has no interest in another instrument (or a sport for what it’s worth); 3) we believe strongly in the benefits of musicianship and of needing to practice and work at something. It also bothers me that her main argument for quitting piano is that her teacher makes her keep her fingernails shorter than she’d like them to be. I’m sure there are other reasons, but she’s a tween and that’s all she’s said out loud. In pretty much every other extracurricular, we’ve let the kids choose whether to participate and how much. Am I making my kid miserable because I regret quitting piano as a child? Is it reasonable to ask that the kids play music whether they want to or not?
—To Quit or Not to Quit
( Read more... )
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
We have an 8-year-old daughter, “Jess,” who does a lot of extracurricular activities. She loves what she does, tries hard, and is relatively successful at them (she represented her school for athletics, she plays the piano well, she’s at the top of her class academically, and she has won a couple of local dance competitions). We have always encouraged her to try different things and will support her as long as she puts in lots of effort (never a problem). Jess has a close friend at school, “Mia,” who has quite a few overlapping activities. Mia’s parents’ motivations are quite different from ours.
They are highly competitive and have openly said that they are pushing Mia into all of these activities to get scholarships. Mia has an elaborate schedule for study, sport, and practice of instruments. There is a strong emphasis on coming in first in everything, and unfortunately, since our daughters share so many activities, Jess seems to have become a benchmark for Mia. When we socialize with the parents, they are incredibly supportive of Jess, always mentioning how well she performed and complimenting her work ethic, etc. It does come across as a little disingenuous, and they seem to be fishing for “tricks”—how we get Jess to study and train—but at least it is positive feedback in front of Jess. Unfortunately, Mia doesn’t have much of a social filter yet, and the messages she must be getting at home have turned her into the very definition of a bad sport. When Mia wins something, she will go on and on about how she is much better than Jess at whatever they were doing. When Jess wins something, she gets a breakdown analysis about why Mia “actually won” or “should have won” and Mia makes it clear Jess wasn’t really deserving of the win. This often comes with a blow-by-blow account about how their family had gone over video footage to determine that Mia was actually better. This has escalated in the last six months, and now we’re at the point that, after competitions that Mia has not even entered, she will provide commentary about how Jess did not deserve to win. To top it off, she has started to exclude Jess from social groups, and she has begun bullying Jess when she does well at something at school.
Jess would be happy to cut ties with Mia, although she is concerned about the social implications at school. She has voiced her sadness about how her friend does not support her and seems jealous all the time. What I want to know is this: Do we leave it at that? Helping her/supporting her in distancing herself from Mia, acknowledging that this is a toxic friendship, and moving on? Or should we talk to Mia’s parents about her behavior? If I were them, I would be horrified by what my daughter was saying and doing. She is certainly revealing a lot more than is probably intended from family discussions. I’d love to let them know exactly what Mia has been saying, and I wonder if we could mitigate the behavior with a little bit of parental intervention. I would hope that maybe we could at least limit the extent to which Mia excludes Jess at school. So should I say something? If so, what? I have no idea how to tell them that I know about all the negative things they have been saying behind our backs.
—Not That Competitive
( Read more... )
I have a 12-year-old who lives for choir and musical theater. She’s been taking piano lessons for four years and has never really been into it the way she is into singing.
She loves to play the piano, but she hates having to practice. I want her to keep taking piano lessons, because 1) It’s such a good companion to the choir stuff (if she decides to do music for a living, she’ll have a head start with already knowing piano and being able to read music—something they don’t study in her choir) 2) we have asked both our kids to pick and stick with a musical instrument and an organized sport or physical activity, and she has no interest in another instrument (or a sport for what it’s worth); 3) we believe strongly in the benefits of musicianship and of needing to practice and work at something. It also bothers me that her main argument for quitting piano is that her teacher makes her keep her fingernails shorter than she’d like them to be. I’m sure there are other reasons, but she’s a tween and that’s all she’s said out loud. In pretty much every other extracurricular, we’ve let the kids choose whether to participate and how much. Am I making my kid miserable because I regret quitting piano as a child? Is it reasonable to ask that the kids play music whether they want to or not?
—To Quit or Not to Quit
( Read more... )
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
We have an 8-year-old daughter, “Jess,” who does a lot of extracurricular activities. She loves what she does, tries hard, and is relatively successful at them (she represented her school for athletics, she plays the piano well, she’s at the top of her class academically, and she has won a couple of local dance competitions). We have always encouraged her to try different things and will support her as long as she puts in lots of effort (never a problem). Jess has a close friend at school, “Mia,” who has quite a few overlapping activities. Mia’s parents’ motivations are quite different from ours.
They are highly competitive and have openly said that they are pushing Mia into all of these activities to get scholarships. Mia has an elaborate schedule for study, sport, and practice of instruments. There is a strong emphasis on coming in first in everything, and unfortunately, since our daughters share so many activities, Jess seems to have become a benchmark for Mia. When we socialize with the parents, they are incredibly supportive of Jess, always mentioning how well she performed and complimenting her work ethic, etc. It does come across as a little disingenuous, and they seem to be fishing for “tricks”—how we get Jess to study and train—but at least it is positive feedback in front of Jess. Unfortunately, Mia doesn’t have much of a social filter yet, and the messages she must be getting at home have turned her into the very definition of a bad sport. When Mia wins something, she will go on and on about how she is much better than Jess at whatever they were doing. When Jess wins something, she gets a breakdown analysis about why Mia “actually won” or “should have won” and Mia makes it clear Jess wasn’t really deserving of the win. This often comes with a blow-by-blow account about how their family had gone over video footage to determine that Mia was actually better. This has escalated in the last six months, and now we’re at the point that, after competitions that Mia has not even entered, she will provide commentary about how Jess did not deserve to win. To top it off, she has started to exclude Jess from social groups, and she has begun bullying Jess when she does well at something at school.
Jess would be happy to cut ties with Mia, although she is concerned about the social implications at school. She has voiced her sadness about how her friend does not support her and seems jealous all the time. What I want to know is this: Do we leave it at that? Helping her/supporting her in distancing herself from Mia, acknowledging that this is a toxic friendship, and moving on? Or should we talk to Mia’s parents about her behavior? If I were them, I would be horrified by what my daughter was saying and doing. She is certainly revealing a lot more than is probably intended from family discussions. I’d love to let them know exactly what Mia has been saying, and I wonder if we could mitigate the behavior with a little bit of parental intervention. I would hope that maybe we could at least limit the extent to which Mia excludes Jess at school. So should I say something? If so, what? I have no idea how to tell them that I know about all the negative things they have been saying behind our backs.
—Not That Competitive
( Read more... )
Dear Abby: Man take mean pictures of wife
Aug. 5th, 2023 04:19 pmceretaDEAR ABBY: I'm an older woman. My husband and I have been married eight years but were together 15 years prior to our marriage. He is a wonderful, caring man in most ways. But from time to time, he snaps extremely unflattering photos of me, sends them to everyone we know and even orders enlargements made for me.
I have a mouth condition that makes smiling painful, so unless I know a picture is being taken, I look really old and grumpy. I have asked him PLEASE not to do this because it's humiliating when he sends them out to friends and family members. I think it's unkind and disrespectful and have told him so, yet he persists.
I'm to the point that this has become a deal-breaker in our marriage, and he knows it. He claims he loves me and is proud of me. And yes, we have been to counseling about our relationship in general because of the many times he has humiliated me in public. But he won't stop. How can I handle this going forward? -- HUMILIATED AND HURTING
DEAR HUMILIATED: It appears your "wonderful, caring" husband has a mean streak. He's getting his kicks by embarrassing you. One way to handle it going forward would be to ignore him when he does it. It won't be easy, but when he realizes he can't get the desired reaction from you, he may do it less often. Another way to deal with it would be to discuss privately with a licensed therapist whether his behavior really has become a deal-breaker. The choice is yours.
I have a mouth condition that makes smiling painful, so unless I know a picture is being taken, I look really old and grumpy. I have asked him PLEASE not to do this because it's humiliating when he sends them out to friends and family members. I think it's unkind and disrespectful and have told him so, yet he persists.
I'm to the point that this has become a deal-breaker in our marriage, and he knows it. He claims he loves me and is proud of me. And yes, we have been to counseling about our relationship in general because of the many times he has humiliated me in public. But he won't stop. How can I handle this going forward? -- HUMILIATED AND HURTING
DEAR HUMILIATED: It appears your "wonderful, caring" husband has a mean streak. He's getting his kicks by embarrassing you. One way to handle it going forward would be to ignore him when he does it. It won't be easy, but when he realizes he can't get the desired reaction from you, he may do it less often. Another way to deal with it would be to discuss privately with a licensed therapist whether his behavior really has become a deal-breaker. The choice is yours.
azurelunaticFirst letter:
HR won’t do anything about a coworker who’s angry about my weight loss
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/02/hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
& original community discussion https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/594086.html
Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/update-hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
( OP lawyers up, high-up HR's response, and Aubrey's lawn tantrum )
HR won’t do anything about a coworker who’s angry about my weight loss
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/02/hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
& original community discussion https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/594086.html
( Dramatic clothing size drop due to removal of dangerously large )
What on earth. ( More of Alison's response )
Update:
https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/update-hr-wont-do-anything-about-a-coworker-whos-angry-about-my-weight-loss.html
( OP lawyers up, high-up HR's response, and Aubrey's lawn tantrum )
Carolyn Hax: It's Called Bullying
Nov. 29th, 2022 08:37 amceretaDear Carolyn: My younger brother — we are both adults — calls me by an old name — one I was given at birth, and have loathed since age 3, and have not willingly used since I was 10.
The name I use — on my passport, paychecks, everything — is a shortened version of the given one. My other five siblings call me by the name I prefer.
Brother does this with the sole aim of irking me. He won't stop. He interrupts me when I'm introducing myself to people, to say, "She's really [old name]," which I grit my teeth and smilingly correct for the new (confused) friend.
I have asked him politely to stop; he laughs and says, "Okay, [old name]." I have addressed him by distortions of his own name, awfully childish and doesn't work anyway. I have laughed it off; this makes him laugh and continue to misname me. I've snapped, "Grow up already." I've deleted Facebook posts where he calls me by this name.
I have a lot of built-up, unwanted anger at this; I feel like I'm being bullied and disrespected. My objections are "overruled" as "oversensitive." I believe I am entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. I know it's a tiny problem in this big world of racism, sexual harassment, war and pestilence, and maybe it "shouldn't" bother me, but it does.
How do I get him to just stop it, without causing some kind of rift? We get along well except for this.
— Not in Fourth Grade Anymore
Not in Fourth Grade Anymore: This is not a tiny problem!
Seriously.
It is a tiny expression of a serious problem, the same problem behind every serious sub-problem you list — abuse of power. Racism and sexual harassment are abuses of power. War, an abuse of power and/or an effort to stop some other entity’s abuse of power. Pestilence? Longer story, but worsened by abuses of power.
Your brother sees power in your discomfort and seizes it whenever he can. Thus your anger: It’s a natural response to a sense of powerlessness, especially when it involves your very identity. You feel unable to define yourself on your terms, because your brother uses his leverage to grab that power from you. I felt rage on your behalf just reading your letter today.
Often methods like yours suffice to thwart bullies — yes, your brother is one — or a bully just gets bored and moves on. But since your brother apparently retains his full appetite for putting you down, you’ll need to work the levers to reclaim your authority.
First, remain calm. He feeds off your distress.
Second, be plainly truthful, without emotion, to people who witness your brother’s embarrassing act. You already have the words: “I believe I’m entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. My brother thinks otherwise.” Facts only, to fill in the salient blank: Is this warmhearted sib-roasting? No. It is not. “I apologize for my brother” is fine shorthand, calm as a pond on a windless day.
Third, trust that good people will make the connection, especially if he “overrules” you as “oversensitive” — as in, gaslights you — and don’t engage your brother on this one bit beyond your stated position. Pointedly, let him make a name for himself.
The name I use — on my passport, paychecks, everything — is a shortened version of the given one. My other five siblings call me by the name I prefer.
Brother does this with the sole aim of irking me. He won't stop. He interrupts me when I'm introducing myself to people, to say, "She's really [old name]," which I grit my teeth and smilingly correct for the new (confused) friend.
I have asked him politely to stop; he laughs and says, "Okay, [old name]." I have addressed him by distortions of his own name, awfully childish and doesn't work anyway. I have laughed it off; this makes him laugh and continue to misname me. I've snapped, "Grow up already." I've deleted Facebook posts where he calls me by this name.
I have a lot of built-up, unwanted anger at this; I feel like I'm being bullied and disrespected. My objections are "overruled" as "oversensitive." I believe I am entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. I know it's a tiny problem in this big world of racism, sexual harassment, war and pestilence, and maybe it "shouldn't" bother me, but it does.
How do I get him to just stop it, without causing some kind of rift? We get along well except for this.
— Not in Fourth Grade Anymore
Not in Fourth Grade Anymore: This is not a tiny problem!
Seriously.
It is a tiny expression of a serious problem, the same problem behind every serious sub-problem you list — abuse of power. Racism and sexual harassment are abuses of power. War, an abuse of power and/or an effort to stop some other entity’s abuse of power. Pestilence? Longer story, but worsened by abuses of power.
Your brother sees power in your discomfort and seizes it whenever he can. Thus your anger: It’s a natural response to a sense of powerlessness, especially when it involves your very identity. You feel unable to define yourself on your terms, because your brother uses his leverage to grab that power from you. I felt rage on your behalf just reading your letter today.
Often methods like yours suffice to thwart bullies — yes, your brother is one — or a bully just gets bored and moves on. But since your brother apparently retains his full appetite for putting you down, you’ll need to work the levers to reclaim your authority.
First, remain calm. He feeds off your distress.
Second, be plainly truthful, without emotion, to people who witness your brother’s embarrassing act. You already have the words: “I believe I’m entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. My brother thinks otherwise.” Facts only, to fill in the salient blank: Is this warmhearted sib-roasting? No. It is not. “I apologize for my brother” is fine shorthand, calm as a pond on a windless day.
Third, trust that good people will make the connection, especially if he “overrules” you as “oversensitive” — as in, gaslights you — and don’t engage your brother on this one bit beyond your stated position. Pointedly, let him make a name for himself.
(no subject)
Jul. 8th, 2021 05:45 amconulyQ. Stuck in the middle: My father has always been a smart aleck who loves practical jokes and discreetly needling people. My husband has been one of his favorite targets for stupid pranks and comments about his choice in clothing, hairstyle, shoes, or whatever else stands out. For many years, I’ve warned my father that my husband disliked him and that his behavior was causing real animus.
It never registered for him until recently, when my husband—whom I had never previously seen angry—lost it completely. One moment we were saying hello, then my dad said something, and then my husband got in his face, shoved him up against a wall, and put a fist straight through the brick work, all while roaring death threats. My father was absolutely terrified and is now deeply upset and demanding an apology. My husband, meanwhile, is completely unrepentant, blames me for not managing my parents, and is refusing to ever speak to or see that side of my family again. He has also said that he does not want our children exposed to them again and inferred that should I wish to contest, that we can discuss it in a custody hearing.
I am angry with both of them. My father sort of had it coming, but my husband has no business threatening to kill a 76-year-old man, which he does every time I mention his name. That divorce is starting to look pretty damn tempting, as is never seeing my father again, but I love everybody involved and really want to resolve this. What can I do? Am I in the wrong here for asking my husband to deal with my dad? Does my dad actually deserve an apology? Is there a universe where I get to knock both their heads together repeatedly?
( Read more... )
It never registered for him until recently, when my husband—whom I had never previously seen angry—lost it completely. One moment we were saying hello, then my dad said something, and then my husband got in his face, shoved him up against a wall, and put a fist straight through the brick work, all while roaring death threats. My father was absolutely terrified and is now deeply upset and demanding an apology. My husband, meanwhile, is completely unrepentant, blames me for not managing my parents, and is refusing to ever speak to or see that side of my family again. He has also said that he does not want our children exposed to them again and inferred that should I wish to contest, that we can discuss it in a custody hearing.
I am angry with both of them. My father sort of had it coming, but my husband has no business threatening to kill a 76-year-old man, which he does every time I mention his name. That divorce is starting to look pretty damn tempting, as is never seeing my father again, but I love everybody involved and really want to resolve this. What can I do? Am I in the wrong here for asking my husband to deal with my dad? Does my dad actually deserve an apology? Is there a universe where I get to knock both their heads together repeatedly?
( Read more... )
livI really liked Nicole Chung's response to a tricky parenting question.
( racist bullying of an Asian-American child by another child )
( racist bullying of an Asian-American child by another child )
